(no subject)
Title: Her Last Chance
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic set right before Lead. Alex's reaction to getting called back to SVU.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this series.
Alex shut the door and leaned back against it, needing something to support her. She shut her eyes and breathed in deeply, willing the sound of gunshots to go away for just one moment so she could think.
She swallowed hard, starting a slow count in her mind and when she hit seventeen, the sounds finally faded into nothingness, leaving her mind eerily silent.
She opened her eyes and stared at her office.
SVU.
Just when she was sure that she was finally moving on with her life, making a place for herself in her vastly altered reality, Jack called to tell her SVU needed an ADA. He wanted her to fill in until they could find a replacement.
Alex moved shakily towards the couch and collapsed on it. He obviously had no idea what he was asking. She rubbed her hands over her face. Not a damn clue.
She got up and walked over to her phone, prepared to tell him that he needed to find another fill in, that SVU was no longer her responsibility and that she had worked hard for her position at Appeals and preferred to keep it. But she knew that it was a lame excuse. He’d assure her that her space in Appeals would always be saved. She could slip right back in as soon as her time with SVU finished again.
She paced the floor, running a hand through her hair. Why? Why did he have to ask her? But the answer was obvious. She was the one with the experience. He was under the wrong assumption that the team would be grateful to have someone competent to man the ship until further notice.
Alex sighed and shook her head. She knew they would have taken a rookie over her any day. Something deep within her knew that she wasn’t welcome there anymore. She’d been gone too long. She’d abandoned them. She’d written them out of her life and she was sure that they’d given her the same courtesy. The past was shut, locked away in a steel vault that no one even dared touch.
But Jack had. Jack, who had nothing to do with SVU, who had probably barely batted an eye when she was “murdered,” who had certainly not batted one when she returned, was going to be the breech in their security.
Already, the memories had hit Alex full force. She’d barely been able to make it from his office to her own without collapsing as it all flooded back. With therapy, she’d been able to rid herself of some of the emotional triggers, but this… this was one she never could have prepared herself for. The messages from Olivia and Elliot had been bad enough, though she’d forced herself to listen to every word, even as her mind sent her reeling into the past. This was different. She knew Jack would be unhappy if she turned him down. This was a job, an obligation that was shoving her full force into the world she’d assured herself she was better off without. And they were better off without her. Everyone had finally moved on. The calls from Elliot and Olivia had stopped almost a year ago.
So why now?
Was it some kind of sign? Some last reminder from the powers that be that Alex Cabot was still incomplete? If she was being honest with herself, she certainly had unfinished business. Barely a day passed without some thoughts of what her life had been, what it could be like.
Olivia. She swallowed hard. She’d caught her name in the paper a couple of times, kept tabs on her through the courtroom grapevine. She’d even seen her once, months ago, walking into the courtroom. She’d panicked and hidden behind a pillar outside, waiting for the detective to pass. Olivia was curvier, her hair longer than Alex had ever seen it. She was still the most beautiful woman Alex had ever laid eyes on.
Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Would Olivia say the same thing about her? Would she loathe her very existence? Or worse, would she not even care anymore?
And then there was Hannah. Alex wondered if she could really go back to the team and say with any amount of confidence that she had a three-year-old daughter. What would they even think of her? She knew none of them would say it but the accusations would be there. She’d cheated on Olivia.
Alex felt herself growing slightly indignant towards the imagined accusations, the judgment. She’d been lonely. No one could fault her for that. And there’d been no telling if she’d ever get out of the program. Either way, Hannah certainly hadn’t been planned and she wasn’t about to regret the birth of her beautiful baby girl. Even as she thought that, Alex knew she’d be keeping Hannah’s existence a secret from them for as long as possible. There was no need for them to know.
She breathed shakily and stared at the phone. This was her chance. She wondered if the detectives had been informed that she’d been offered the position. In her heart, she knew that no matter what, this was her last chance. If she turned this down, she had no right to ever go back to them. She would be abandoning them for the last time.
Alex swallowed hard. Hand shaking, she reached for the phone and dialed, waiting as the phone rang.
“Jack? I’ll do it.”
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic set right before Lead. Alex's reaction to getting called back to SVU.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this series.
Alex shut the door and leaned back against it, needing something to support her. She shut her eyes and breathed in deeply, willing the sound of gunshots to go away for just one moment so she could think.
She swallowed hard, starting a slow count in her mind and when she hit seventeen, the sounds finally faded into nothingness, leaving her mind eerily silent.
She opened her eyes and stared at her office.
SVU.
Just when she was sure that she was finally moving on with her life, making a place for herself in her vastly altered reality, Jack called to tell her SVU needed an ADA. He wanted her to fill in until they could find a replacement.
Alex moved shakily towards the couch and collapsed on it. He obviously had no idea what he was asking. She rubbed her hands over her face. Not a damn clue.
She got up and walked over to her phone, prepared to tell him that he needed to find another fill in, that SVU was no longer her responsibility and that she had worked hard for her position at Appeals and preferred to keep it. But she knew that it was a lame excuse. He’d assure her that her space in Appeals would always be saved. She could slip right back in as soon as her time with SVU finished again.
She paced the floor, running a hand through her hair. Why? Why did he have to ask her? But the answer was obvious. She was the one with the experience. He was under the wrong assumption that the team would be grateful to have someone competent to man the ship until further notice.
Alex sighed and shook her head. She knew they would have taken a rookie over her any day. Something deep within her knew that she wasn’t welcome there anymore. She’d been gone too long. She’d abandoned them. She’d written them out of her life and she was sure that they’d given her the same courtesy. The past was shut, locked away in a steel vault that no one even dared touch.
But Jack had. Jack, who had nothing to do with SVU, who had probably barely batted an eye when she was “murdered,” who had certainly not batted one when she returned, was going to be the breech in their security.
Already, the memories had hit Alex full force. She’d barely been able to make it from his office to her own without collapsing as it all flooded back. With therapy, she’d been able to rid herself of some of the emotional triggers, but this… this was one she never could have prepared herself for. The messages from Olivia and Elliot had been bad enough, though she’d forced herself to listen to every word, even as her mind sent her reeling into the past. This was different. She knew Jack would be unhappy if she turned him down. This was a job, an obligation that was shoving her full force into the world she’d assured herself she was better off without. And they were better off without her. Everyone had finally moved on. The calls from Elliot and Olivia had stopped almost a year ago.
So why now?
Was it some kind of sign? Some last reminder from the powers that be that Alex Cabot was still incomplete? If she was being honest with herself, she certainly had unfinished business. Barely a day passed without some thoughts of what her life had been, what it could be like.
Olivia. She swallowed hard. She’d caught her name in the paper a couple of times, kept tabs on her through the courtroom grapevine. She’d even seen her once, months ago, walking into the courtroom. She’d panicked and hidden behind a pillar outside, waiting for the detective to pass. Olivia was curvier, her hair longer than Alex had ever seen it. She was still the most beautiful woman Alex had ever laid eyes on.
Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Would Olivia say the same thing about her? Would she loathe her very existence? Or worse, would she not even care anymore?
And then there was Hannah. Alex wondered if she could really go back to the team and say with any amount of confidence that she had a three-year-old daughter. What would they even think of her? She knew none of them would say it but the accusations would be there. She’d cheated on Olivia.
Alex felt herself growing slightly indignant towards the imagined accusations, the judgment. She’d been lonely. No one could fault her for that. And there’d been no telling if she’d ever get out of the program. Either way, Hannah certainly hadn’t been planned and she wasn’t about to regret the birth of her beautiful baby girl. Even as she thought that, Alex knew she’d be keeping Hannah’s existence a secret from them for as long as possible. There was no need for them to know.
She breathed shakily and stared at the phone. This was her chance. She wondered if the detectives had been informed that she’d been offered the position. In her heart, she knew that no matter what, this was her last chance. If she turned this down, she had no right to ever go back to them. She would be abandoning them for the last time.
Alex swallowed hard. Hand shaking, she reached for the phone and dialed, waiting as the phone rang.
“Jack? I’ll do it.”