"It was a hailstorm of self-loathing and misery"
My grandfather sent me an email. He told me that he supported me in whatever I decided to do with my life, but that he hoped I would continue on and become a doctor. He said that there aren't enough compassionate doctors anymore and he thought I would make a great one.
He's a doctor - retired, but still a doctor. I think he was one of the best radiation oncologists in Indianapolis when he was still practicing. Which is saying something, considering that their teaching hospital is in the top fifty of the United States. Which is a lot.
I'm sick right now. I went to class and lab and everything and I came home and watched Grey's and I thought about Mark and found out that he's going to movies with his new boyfriend and friends and he's not lonely and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that I'm lonely and tired and needy and I miss him. I miss his laugh and talking to him on my bad days and on my good days and telling him about things like me sleeping on a couch in the student union today and I hate that I'm not over him yet. He misses me. How much can he miss me when he's got someone holding him every time he feels sad and lonely.
So I slept. I was sleeping for a long time. And when I woke up? I was still sad. Then I remembered what I read sometime last night.
I don't feel better. I miss him... constantly. I am scary. I am damaged. I am dark and twisty Zack. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm compassionate. I am dedicated. I have goals.
I don't need men. Not to say that right now it doesn't totally feel like I do. But I know that ultimately don't. And someday I will find a man who I do not need. A man I want. A man who will treat me like who I am. Who won't run away when it gets tough or rough. Someone who will want to give up everyone else for me. And I for him. Because I'm freaking worth it.
You know, we watch all of these shows on television and see all these crazy relationships. They talk about true love and they mimic feelings and situations that can and will happen in real life. We watch them and we judge them and we discuss them. But when it comes to our own lives? We suck! Its ironic, really. We just suck.
So I think that quite possibly it would be intelligent to not have anything to do with men. Perhaps not even sex. I need to be alone for a while. During this time that I'm alone, at least in the beginning, I'm going to need friends. Serious friends.
The problem with this whole thing is that this relationship pretty much made me realize that I want a relationship that'll last. A long term one. A real one. Because I want a family someday. And there's no reason to waste time with flings. Because they are a waste of time and energy. I don't know, I think I'm talking out of my ass right now, soooo goodnight livejournal!
He's a doctor - retired, but still a doctor. I think he was one of the best radiation oncologists in Indianapolis when he was still practicing. Which is saying something, considering that their teaching hospital is in the top fifty of the United States. Which is a lot.
I'm sick right now. I went to class and lab and everything and I came home and watched Grey's and I thought about Mark and found out that he's going to movies with his new boyfriend and friends and he's not lonely and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that I'm lonely and tired and needy and I miss him. I miss his laugh and talking to him on my bad days and on my good days and telling him about things like me sleeping on a couch in the student union today and I hate that I'm not over him yet. He misses me. How much can he miss me when he's got someone holding him every time he feels sad and lonely.
So I slept. I was sleeping for a long time. And when I woke up? I was still sad. Then I remembered what I read sometime last night.
I don't feel better. I miss him... constantly. I am scary. I am damaged. I am dark and twisty Zack. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm compassionate. I am dedicated. I have goals.
I don't need men. Not to say that right now it doesn't totally feel like I do. But I know that ultimately don't. And someday I will find a man who I do not need. A man I want. A man who will treat me like who I am. Who won't run away when it gets tough or rough. Someone who will want to give up everyone else for me. And I for him. Because I'm freaking worth it.
You know, we watch all of these shows on television and see all these crazy relationships. They talk about true love and they mimic feelings and situations that can and will happen in real life. We watch them and we judge them and we discuss them. But when it comes to our own lives? We suck! Its ironic, really. We just suck.
So I think that quite possibly it would be intelligent to not have anything to do with men. Perhaps not even sex. I need to be alone for a while. During this time that I'm alone, at least in the beginning, I'm going to need friends. Serious friends.
The problem with this whole thing is that this relationship pretty much made me realize that I want a relationship that'll last. A long term one. A real one. Because I want a family someday. And there's no reason to waste time with flings. Because they are a waste of time and energy. I don't know, I think I'm talking out of my ass right now, soooo goodnight livejournal!