A Fabulous Proposal for the Homosexual Phenomenon: A Satire
A little over a week ago the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, spoke at Columbia University in New York. He was invited to speak as a politician and as a scholar and, I believe, as a humanitarian. Pulled from this event to the forefront of the public eye is President Ahmadinejad’s statement, “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who told you that we have it.” This statement was met with much laughter from the audience; it would seem they did not believe him.
Not too long ago in Iran, the government discovered a quick, cost-effective way to increase morality, boost spiritual fitness, expand nuclear weapons research and improve job availability. They began the immediate eradication of the queers.
A reliable source tells us that Iran once had the homosexual phenomenon, with homosexuals running amok in their society. This was until a strict regime against homosexuality was imposed. Homosexuals were found, whipped and occasionally tortured and then executed by either a public hanging in front of the entire neighborhood, or a private one in which only close friends and family were invited. If a man was even caught naked and in bed with another man who was not his blood relation, this punishment was often arranged for him. After only a short period of time, Iran had eradicated all homosexuals from their country. Suddenly, the women were more submissive, the oil reserves doubled and nuclear weapons materials were made harder to find. Essentially; after the gays were gone, life got good.
Apparently, the United States government has vastly underestimated the relationship between homosexuals and the quality of life for their countrymen. What I am saying is thus: in the last few years moral has been extremely low, a multitude of natural disasters have occurred and political tensions have been high. The US does not have the vast oil reserves of Iran, nor do we have the singular mindset of its people. Iran has a national language, a national religion, they even regulate what can and can’t be written about in their newspapers to ensure that they will always act, speak and even think as one nation. This is a strong country, spiritually and politically and culturally. In the US, however, criticism is prevalent in our society. We don’t have a national language and we barely have a common one. We can’t even come together and agree spiritually. Obviously, this is because of the homos.
We have relied on our homosexuals far too much. They style our hair, apply our make-up, entertain us on stage, tell us what not to wear and are almost a pivotal part of our society. They have even begun convincing us that they should be allowed to intrude upon one of the most holy of all ceremonies - marriage - which is obviously defined in every religious document as being between a man and a woman. This cannot be allowed to continue; this deviance is the root of all of our problems. Homosexuals are obviously the reason our lives here in the United States of America are made so much more difficult on a daily basis by our lack of uniformity and clarity in judgment. Without them, there would have been no Hurricane Katrina, there would be more oil reserves, there would be more job opportunities, our country would have a national religion and its people would be in political, spiritual and linguistic agreement.
I propose that we follow in our good friend Iran’s steps and get rid of our gays. My reliable source tells me that they have found ways around the missing hairstylists and interior decorators. The way the people of Iran dress does not necessitate the need for style in hair or accessories. Their women even cover their entire face to keep from needing make up. Their dress is modest and functional, for they do not need the flash and flair that American society’s homosexuals currently demand. In Iran, their homes are simple and decorated only with mementos at most. They do not want for more than they need, which is sure to have contributed to how small their country’s national debt is - especially when compared to the United States’ national debt. As far as entertainment goes, I hear that the stoning of scholars, academics and other insurgents is both practical and enjoyable. Perhaps the best information I have gathered on their society is that their women are docile and know how to behave.
Their methods of treatment for these deviant men in their society have obviously worked to its fullest potential. They no longer even acknowledge the homosexual phenomenon within their country’s boundaries. Now, I have thought about this quite a bit, and in my calculations, if the United States were to begin arresting and executing (publicly or otherwise) our own queer population then in less than seven years our nation would be almost completely free of the fags. A few laws would have to go into effect and a few “rights” might have to be taken away, but I believe the nation would finally recognize that this would all be happening for their benefit and would even rejoice. Perhaps someday public stonings could be popular here as well - MTV could create a television show entitled “Target Practice.”
I dream of someday when we are united in our language and our religion. Someday when we can all agree politically and culturally. Someday when marriage is not under attack and little Suzie isn’t testing out dental dams. Someday when nuclear weapons research can continue on unhindered in all countries of the world and job opportunities will abound. I dream of this someday when we are not beguiled and overrun with the homosexual phenomenon and we have attained the enlightenment of our good friend and dutiful teacher, Iran. God Bless.
Not too long ago in Iran, the government discovered a quick, cost-effective way to increase morality, boost spiritual fitness, expand nuclear weapons research and improve job availability. They began the immediate eradication of the queers.
A reliable source tells us that Iran once had the homosexual phenomenon, with homosexuals running amok in their society. This was until a strict regime against homosexuality was imposed. Homosexuals were found, whipped and occasionally tortured and then executed by either a public hanging in front of the entire neighborhood, or a private one in which only close friends and family were invited. If a man was even caught naked and in bed with another man who was not his blood relation, this punishment was often arranged for him. After only a short period of time, Iran had eradicated all homosexuals from their country. Suddenly, the women were more submissive, the oil reserves doubled and nuclear weapons materials were made harder to find. Essentially; after the gays were gone, life got good.
Apparently, the United States government has vastly underestimated the relationship between homosexuals and the quality of life for their countrymen. What I am saying is thus: in the last few years moral has been extremely low, a multitude of natural disasters have occurred and political tensions have been high. The US does not have the vast oil reserves of Iran, nor do we have the singular mindset of its people. Iran has a national language, a national religion, they even regulate what can and can’t be written about in their newspapers to ensure that they will always act, speak and even think as one nation. This is a strong country, spiritually and politically and culturally. In the US, however, criticism is prevalent in our society. We don’t have a national language and we barely have a common one. We can’t even come together and agree spiritually. Obviously, this is because of the homos.
We have relied on our homosexuals far too much. They style our hair, apply our make-up, entertain us on stage, tell us what not to wear and are almost a pivotal part of our society. They have even begun convincing us that they should be allowed to intrude upon one of the most holy of all ceremonies - marriage - which is obviously defined in every religious document as being between a man and a woman. This cannot be allowed to continue; this deviance is the root of all of our problems. Homosexuals are obviously the reason our lives here in the United States of America are made so much more difficult on a daily basis by our lack of uniformity and clarity in judgment. Without them, there would have been no Hurricane Katrina, there would be more oil reserves, there would be more job opportunities, our country would have a national religion and its people would be in political, spiritual and linguistic agreement.
I propose that we follow in our good friend Iran’s steps and get rid of our gays. My reliable source tells me that they have found ways around the missing hairstylists and interior decorators. The way the people of Iran dress does not necessitate the need for style in hair or accessories. Their women even cover their entire face to keep from needing make up. Their dress is modest and functional, for they do not need the flash and flair that American society’s homosexuals currently demand. In Iran, their homes are simple and decorated only with mementos at most. They do not want for more than they need, which is sure to have contributed to how small their country’s national debt is - especially when compared to the United States’ national debt. As far as entertainment goes, I hear that the stoning of scholars, academics and other insurgents is both practical and enjoyable. Perhaps the best information I have gathered on their society is that their women are docile and know how to behave.
Their methods of treatment for these deviant men in their society have obviously worked to its fullest potential. They no longer even acknowledge the homosexual phenomenon within their country’s boundaries. Now, I have thought about this quite a bit, and in my calculations, if the United States were to begin arresting and executing (publicly or otherwise) our own queer population then in less than seven years our nation would be almost completely free of the fags. A few laws would have to go into effect and a few “rights” might have to be taken away, but I believe the nation would finally recognize that this would all be happening for their benefit and would even rejoice. Perhaps someday public stonings could be popular here as well - MTV could create a television show entitled “Target Practice.”
I dream of someday when we are united in our language and our religion. Someday when we can all agree politically and culturally. Someday when marriage is not under attack and little Suzie isn’t testing out dental dams. Someday when nuclear weapons research can continue on unhindered in all countries of the world and job opportunities will abound. I dream of this someday when we are not beguiled and overrun with the homosexual phenomenon and we have attained the enlightenment of our good friend and dutiful teacher, Iran. God Bless.