um wow....
I have no idea what has gotten into me.
For some reason, I have become the person I wished never to be. I have become very sarcastic, very bitchy, very cold. I hate that person.
What happened to the caring, warm, accepting person that I used to be? I would kill to be that person again.
I think it is possible to be there, to regain my status as a good person, but it will be hard.
UM WOW...so, I went to update my LJ, and this popped up on my screen when I hit yes to 'restore draft'.
I have no idea when I wrote this, but it was sometime last month I know.
That's funny though, when things from the past come back to slap you in the face. And to make you remember them. I need to print this page out and put it on my bathroom mirror. Regain your innocence, see the GOOD in all people and in every thing. Don't focus on the negative, but on the good.
Life lessons we all should learn.
Before I get to the meat of this post (well, what is aparently part 2 of this post) is that I've come to think that the olympics are the closest thing that we ever get to world peace. Think about it. No one is terribly bitter when another country wins the medals, everyone is happy to be able to compete, the world is together in one place, or in millions of places with one common focus: the thrill of watching people do what they're best at. I'm glad the olympics happen every 2 years. I dread the day that they stop. Pray that they never end...
Anyway, here's the meat of the post:
I know I'm supposed to be a pastor, in my heart. Lately though, my head has been tricking me into thinking something different. I think, rather regularly, that maybe I'm too 'out there' to be a pastor. I mean, my theology is very close to Lutheranism, everyone has a personal theology that is different from any institution's theology, and Lutheranism is where mine land's closest to. But aside from that, do people see me as a pastor? I mean, I drink, I swear, I am gay, I do drag, read the top of this post! I mean, I'm a regular human being, so when people look at me, they're not inclined to agree with me when I tell them I want to be a pastor. So that leaves me with a dilemma. Do I conform to the pious religious institution and abandon who I am? Or do I stay who I am and risk not being hired because I'm 'too radical'? I mean, I think that now is the time for change, now is the time to show the world that 'radical' is the norm, that there is nothing wrong with pastors who are people. I mean, the only reason pastors exist is to interpret the word of God for people, and to guide people on their spiritual journeys. They're not meant to be 'better' than anyone else, but does the world see that? and more importantly, does the ELCA see that? and if the ELCA does as a whole, do individual synods? How do I balance my life, with the life of a stereotypical pastor? Do I need to?
I mean, sure there are things that I probably need to change about myself to become a pastor. But here is the question. How do I incorporate my life now with my life then. or Do I? Like, being a drag queen. Is that something that I'll just have to block out of my life? Will it be one of those skeleton in the closet situations? If someone asks me what crazy things I did in college, how will I be able to tell them "well I did Drag" without losing all credibility based on people preconceived notions about stuff like that? Should I stop swearing, stop drinking, stop being in a relationship with a man just to reach my goals in life? I'm very much about living in the moment, but there are times when you have to plan ahead. Is this one of those times?
I just want nothing more in life than to be able to share with the world that Jesus loves them, and that people care about them, and that they can be the Light of the world by being themselves, as long as that self is centered in Christ.
Maybe there's my answer. Being centered in Christ. i'll admit, I haven't gone to church at all last quarter, and I haven't since Summer started. I will have the chance to this Sunday, and I'm terribly excited. I also haven't been reading my bible like I should be, and I forget to pray. I'm further from God and Christ than I have been in a long time, and I don't like where it's taken me, but it is too easy to get in a comfortable Spirit-less routine. I need to take an active role in fixing that. But living in a Christ-like way. Does that mean giving up drag, giving up swearing, giving up drinking, giving up my way of life? I don't think necessarily, but I think it does mean reevaluating some stuff.
......hmm......
For some reason, I have become the person I wished never to be. I have become very sarcastic, very bitchy, very cold. I hate that person.
What happened to the caring, warm, accepting person that I used to be? I would kill to be that person again.
I think it is possible to be there, to regain my status as a good person, but it will be hard.
UM WOW...so, I went to update my LJ, and this popped up on my screen when I hit yes to 'restore draft'.
I have no idea when I wrote this, but it was sometime last month I know.
That's funny though, when things from the past come back to slap you in the face. And to make you remember them. I need to print this page out and put it on my bathroom mirror. Regain your innocence, see the GOOD in all people and in every thing. Don't focus on the negative, but on the good.
Life lessons we all should learn.
Before I get to the meat of this post (well, what is aparently part 2 of this post) is that I've come to think that the olympics are the closest thing that we ever get to world peace. Think about it. No one is terribly bitter when another country wins the medals, everyone is happy to be able to compete, the world is together in one place, or in millions of places with one common focus: the thrill of watching people do what they're best at. I'm glad the olympics happen every 2 years. I dread the day that they stop. Pray that they never end...
Anyway, here's the meat of the post:
I know I'm supposed to be a pastor, in my heart. Lately though, my head has been tricking me into thinking something different. I think, rather regularly, that maybe I'm too 'out there' to be a pastor. I mean, my theology is very close to Lutheranism, everyone has a personal theology that is different from any institution's theology, and Lutheranism is where mine land's closest to. But aside from that, do people see me as a pastor? I mean, I drink, I swear, I am gay, I do drag, read the top of this post! I mean, I'm a regular human being, so when people look at me, they're not inclined to agree with me when I tell them I want to be a pastor. So that leaves me with a dilemma. Do I conform to the pious religious institution and abandon who I am? Or do I stay who I am and risk not being hired because I'm 'too radical'? I mean, I think that now is the time for change, now is the time to show the world that 'radical' is the norm, that there is nothing wrong with pastors who are people. I mean, the only reason pastors exist is to interpret the word of God for people, and to guide people on their spiritual journeys. They're not meant to be 'better' than anyone else, but does the world see that? and more importantly, does the ELCA see that? and if the ELCA does as a whole, do individual synods? How do I balance my life, with the life of a stereotypical pastor? Do I need to?
I mean, sure there are things that I probably need to change about myself to become a pastor. But here is the question. How do I incorporate my life now with my life then. or Do I? Like, being a drag queen. Is that something that I'll just have to block out of my life? Will it be one of those skeleton in the closet situations? If someone asks me what crazy things I did in college, how will I be able to tell them "well I did Drag" without losing all credibility based on people preconceived notions about stuff like that? Should I stop swearing, stop drinking, stop being in a relationship with a man just to reach my goals in life? I'm very much about living in the moment, but there are times when you have to plan ahead. Is this one of those times?
I just want nothing more in life than to be able to share with the world that Jesus loves them, and that people care about them, and that they can be the Light of the world by being themselves, as long as that self is centered in Christ.
Maybe there's my answer. Being centered in Christ. i'll admit, I haven't gone to church at all last quarter, and I haven't since Summer started. I will have the chance to this Sunday, and I'm terribly excited. I also haven't been reading my bible like I should be, and I forget to pray. I'm further from God and Christ than I have been in a long time, and I don't like where it's taken me, but it is too easy to get in a comfortable Spirit-less routine. I need to take an active role in fixing that. But living in a Christ-like way. Does that mean giving up drag, giving up swearing, giving up drinking, giving up my way of life? I don't think necessarily, but I think it does mean reevaluating some stuff.
......hmm......