more self discovery
Months later, and I still struggle with the same issue, though I have come leaps and bounds.
I've gotten much better at avoiding nit-picking on Brandon or overreacting if he brings up a friend, family or ex. I've learned that he needs autonomy as much as I do, and that hanging out with Tom/his mom/Michelle/anybody isn't some kind of declaration that Tom takes precedent over me.
Sure there was a time when probably Tom and basically anyone else did take precedent over me, but that was during a rough time in our relationship where my insatiable need for attention and praise was putting strain on our relationship, and my insecurity was causing me to look for problems so that I could almost sabotage my relationship before it imploded on its own.
But overall, Brandon's been a great boyfriend. He obviously has some flaws but that would be true of any person. Dispite his potential to sometimes play the martyr or his frequent thoughts that he works harder than most, he has been incredibly supportive emotionally, and financially as well. He's seen me through this difficult time in my life: realizing that if I don't make a strong effort to change myself and my behaviors, I will end up on the same victimizing, anxiety-ridden, depressed path as my mother.
Seeing her over the weekend again re-affirmed for me what I don't want to become. I can see that some of the things she does, I STILL do, despite being much better than I was. But the negative side-comments and the need to bring down others in my dad's life (so that my mom stays center of attention) are strong reminders of how my much less damaging, but still present in smaller degrees flaws need to be checked.
I know that I occasionally am too honest or too quick to point out flaws in Brandon's friends' or familys' lives. But who am I to talk about that when my family is completely dysfunctional as well? For every glass of wine Brandon's mom drinks, my mom starts a fight. And if I didn't watch it, I'd be right there along with her. The reason I do that is because of my insecurity. Obviously, I've come a long way. However, there are times when I still feel threatened by the presence of someone more important than me and I attempt to bring them down. I do it without even realizing it, or occasionally, I do realize what I'm doing but the urge to make myself feel more important takes over.
It's a matter of self-control at that point. The urge needs to be squashed because I think what I'll see is that if I hold my tongue, that sense of urgency will soon be gone and I won't feel some pressing need to say something negative. And what I'll also see is that I won't be ridden with guilt like I often am, because I won't have said the negative, and only partially-true thing. I'll feel better about myself because I won't have hurt someone I love, Brandon will feel better not having heard it at all, and I'll realize that those little comments...those little "flaws" I'm pointing out are nothing more than distractions from the fact that I was having a moment of insecurity and I needed my "fix." I think when that becomes blaringly obvious on a regular basis, it's easier to identify and stage intervention.
What recently worried me was it's clear my boss thinks I should be on some medication. Part of me thinks that would certainly make it easier, but perhaps not for the right reasons. See, there's no pill designed to build confidence. It would probably just have the effect on me that alcohol has (without the occasional over-emotional outburst, which alcohol has but a mood-stabilizer wouldn't)- my cognition would be lowered and I wouldn't really have the will to think as excessively as I do now. And hey, maybe that would help. It's definitely something to consider, and could be something to help me along in the meant time. My biggest worry with that though, is that I'd become dependent on those medications and never tackle the issue at heart. I could take pills forever and never feel an ounce more confident. The only difference is that instead of taking the the time to worry about not being confident or worry about small things and what they "mean" like I do, I'd just forget it. I need to get to the point where I can do that without chemical intervention- when I can refuse to think about that negativity, the same way I refuse to eat cupcakes right now. The less I think about those things, and the longer I push it away, the less urgency it has and the better I feel.
But the root of the issue is my insecurity, plain and simple. And it causes me to act immature and child-like, at the cost of my own confidence and the sanity of others. I've watched my mom push away every single person in her life because of her need to be "on top" and take others down. The fact is, every time I tear someone else down, I tear myself down too. The end result is I feel bad about myself because the insult to another person didn't tackle the issue that I don't feel great about myself, and it certainly made me feel worse because I'm logical enough to know how wrong I am. So then I just feel stupid and like I'm out of control.
The fact is, I could take an anti-anxiety pill or anti-depressent. But all that does is the same exact thing the little insults and side-commments do- it makes me feel better temporarily and pushes aside the issue. But long-term, I'd feel inadequate because I couldn't solve the issue myself or out of control. Or maybe I wouldn't really be capable of thinking that way. But I certainly don't want to dumb down my emtotions to lose my passion and drive. I need to be able to turn some switches on and some off...and I'm not going to achieve that OR build confidence by swallowing a pill each day, unless it's one of metaphorical nature.
The pill I need to swallow is that I need to constantly monitor myself. I will always be a work in progress and for me, it's going to take a little more work. But hey, I expend a shit-load of energy putting myself down, putting others down, judging people...whatever...why not divert that energy into monitoring myself and helping myself to do the right thing and to FEEL the right thing? And why not practice this in all aspects of my life? Avoiding making negative comments at work about coworkers, or to more gossipy friends about others. I always, always, always feel guilty and it never serves a purpose other than to make me ruminate on negativity.
I am a great person who has a lot of amazing qualities. I am lovable and I am worth it. I have flaws and maybe I was born with inherent confidence issues. But much of that was learned and I'm a GREAT learner- I can do this on my own, but I have to be dedicated.
And most of all, I have to realize how worth it I am. I need to make these changes for other people, but more importantly, I need to make them for myself. I WANT to feel happy and confident to the point where I don't need negativity as a crutch. I want to be able to smile when Brandon hangs out with friends or brush off the fact that maybe his friends don't want to be my BFF.
The first step is affirmations: I'm a great person who is capable of change, love and happiness. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to love myself so much that I don't need other people's love, nor do I need to tear them down to put myself higher.
I'm smart, intuitive, well-rounded, a good listener, wise, well-spoken, adaptive, exhuberant and capable.
I've gotten much better at avoiding nit-picking on Brandon or overreacting if he brings up a friend, family or ex. I've learned that he needs autonomy as much as I do, and that hanging out with Tom/his mom/Michelle/anybody isn't some kind of declaration that Tom takes precedent over me.
Sure there was a time when probably Tom and basically anyone else did take precedent over me, but that was during a rough time in our relationship where my insatiable need for attention and praise was putting strain on our relationship, and my insecurity was causing me to look for problems so that I could almost sabotage my relationship before it imploded on its own.
But overall, Brandon's been a great boyfriend. He obviously has some flaws but that would be true of any person. Dispite his potential to sometimes play the martyr or his frequent thoughts that he works harder than most, he has been incredibly supportive emotionally, and financially as well. He's seen me through this difficult time in my life: realizing that if I don't make a strong effort to change myself and my behaviors, I will end up on the same victimizing, anxiety-ridden, depressed path as my mother.
Seeing her over the weekend again re-affirmed for me what I don't want to become. I can see that some of the things she does, I STILL do, despite being much better than I was. But the negative side-comments and the need to bring down others in my dad's life (so that my mom stays center of attention) are strong reminders of how my much less damaging, but still present in smaller degrees flaws need to be checked.
I know that I occasionally am too honest or too quick to point out flaws in Brandon's friends' or familys' lives. But who am I to talk about that when my family is completely dysfunctional as well? For every glass of wine Brandon's mom drinks, my mom starts a fight. And if I didn't watch it, I'd be right there along with her. The reason I do that is because of my insecurity. Obviously, I've come a long way. However, there are times when I still feel threatened by the presence of someone more important than me and I attempt to bring them down. I do it without even realizing it, or occasionally, I do realize what I'm doing but the urge to make myself feel more important takes over.
It's a matter of self-control at that point. The urge needs to be squashed because I think what I'll see is that if I hold my tongue, that sense of urgency will soon be gone and I won't feel some pressing need to say something negative. And what I'll also see is that I won't be ridden with guilt like I often am, because I won't have said the negative, and only partially-true thing. I'll feel better about myself because I won't have hurt someone I love, Brandon will feel better not having heard it at all, and I'll realize that those little comments...those little "flaws" I'm pointing out are nothing more than distractions from the fact that I was having a moment of insecurity and I needed my "fix." I think when that becomes blaringly obvious on a regular basis, it's easier to identify and stage intervention.
What recently worried me was it's clear my boss thinks I should be on some medication. Part of me thinks that would certainly make it easier, but perhaps not for the right reasons. See, there's no pill designed to build confidence. It would probably just have the effect on me that alcohol has (without the occasional over-emotional outburst, which alcohol has but a mood-stabilizer wouldn't)- my cognition would be lowered and I wouldn't really have the will to think as excessively as I do now. And hey, maybe that would help. It's definitely something to consider, and could be something to help me along in the meant time. My biggest worry with that though, is that I'd become dependent on those medications and never tackle the issue at heart. I could take pills forever and never feel an ounce more confident. The only difference is that instead of taking the the time to worry about not being confident or worry about small things and what they "mean" like I do, I'd just forget it. I need to get to the point where I can do that without chemical intervention- when I can refuse to think about that negativity, the same way I refuse to eat cupcakes right now. The less I think about those things, and the longer I push it away, the less urgency it has and the better I feel.
But the root of the issue is my insecurity, plain and simple. And it causes me to act immature and child-like, at the cost of my own confidence and the sanity of others. I've watched my mom push away every single person in her life because of her need to be "on top" and take others down. The fact is, every time I tear someone else down, I tear myself down too. The end result is I feel bad about myself because the insult to another person didn't tackle the issue that I don't feel great about myself, and it certainly made me feel worse because I'm logical enough to know how wrong I am. So then I just feel stupid and like I'm out of control.
The fact is, I could take an anti-anxiety pill or anti-depressent. But all that does is the same exact thing the little insults and side-commments do- it makes me feel better temporarily and pushes aside the issue. But long-term, I'd feel inadequate because I couldn't solve the issue myself or out of control. Or maybe I wouldn't really be capable of thinking that way. But I certainly don't want to dumb down my emtotions to lose my passion and drive. I need to be able to turn some switches on and some off...and I'm not going to achieve that OR build confidence by swallowing a pill each day, unless it's one of metaphorical nature.
The pill I need to swallow is that I need to constantly monitor myself. I will always be a work in progress and for me, it's going to take a little more work. But hey, I expend a shit-load of energy putting myself down, putting others down, judging people...whatever...why not divert that energy into monitoring myself and helping myself to do the right thing and to FEEL the right thing? And why not practice this in all aspects of my life? Avoiding making negative comments at work about coworkers, or to more gossipy friends about others. I always, always, always feel guilty and it never serves a purpose other than to make me ruminate on negativity.
I am a great person who has a lot of amazing qualities. I am lovable and I am worth it. I have flaws and maybe I was born with inherent confidence issues. But much of that was learned and I'm a GREAT learner- I can do this on my own, but I have to be dedicated.
And most of all, I have to realize how worth it I am. I need to make these changes for other people, but more importantly, I need to make them for myself. I WANT to feel happy and confident to the point where I don't need negativity as a crutch. I want to be able to smile when Brandon hangs out with friends or brush off the fact that maybe his friends don't want to be my BFF.
The first step is affirmations: I'm a great person who is capable of change, love and happiness. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to love myself so much that I don't need other people's love, nor do I need to tear them down to put myself higher.
I'm smart, intuitive, well-rounded, a good listener, wise, well-spoken, adaptive, exhuberant and capable.