drama dump
I guess I only write in this thing when I feel upset. Oh well.
I don't know what to do about Brandon. I think my friends think I should break up with him, and a large part of me does too.
It's just frustrating to have the same conversations over and over. The conversation where I tell him I feel like he never really wants to spend time with me. The conversation where I explicity, and as clearly as I can, tell him what's bothering me. Where I explain that the fact that probably since my birthday he hasn't taken me on a real date, where he suggested it, he paid, he treated me...makes me feel like he's just not interested in being with ME. Where I try to make it plain to him that the fact that the only thing he ever seems interested in doing is visiting his family or watching sports/drinking/gambling with Tom worries me because those aren't things that involve me. The fact that ANY time Tom wants to hang out, Brandon is willing to drop me on my ass like a bad habit for him...is bothersome.
I just don't get it. Who is he trying to forge a life with? His mom? Tom? Tom's girlfriend, Ashley? It SHOULD be me, but I always end up feeling like I'm just an accessory to him.
Since probably June I've talked and talked to him about this issue and I'm to the point where I shouldn't HAVE to force him to want to spend time with me...to want to be with me...to want to show me that doing something I like is just as important as doing things he'd like. I've talked so much and he hasn't even done the most simple, rudimentary thing he could do- ask me on a date. Even THAT is too hard for him. And this is since June.
I mean, it shows me just how selfish he is and I'm not convinced that's something you can change. I don't WANT to hang out with Tomshley all the time, but I end up doing it and sometimes even suggesting it becaue I know Brandon enjoys it. If Brandon and I have plans or if I know he wants to hang out with me, even when something "better" comes along, I still say no. And I don't tell him or bring it up to him. I just do it, because I KNOW that if I point out to him that there's something else I'd rather do he'll feel like he's forcing me to hang out with him and he'll feel like I don't want to be with him.
But he can never afford me the same courtesy. ANY time something more "appealing" (which 9 times out of 10 involves Tom or sports) comes along, he brings it up. He can never just sacrifice what HE wants to do, and bite his tongue and humor me. A great example is the most recent occurance.
He asked me what I wanted to do over the weekend. This came off of a talk we had where I once again told him I needed him to initiate romantic things with me every so often- I'm not asking for grandiose gifts, expensive dinners or fabulous trips, I'm asking him to fucking ask me one ONE date...something he hasn't done and apparently, refuses to do, since probably April. We'd even talked earlier this week and I'd suggested iPic or one of those and he'd told me about some restaurant. So I thought he was actually going to try. Logic would tell him and any guy with a brain that if he wants to make me happy, he should suggest something to do that involves just us. If he'd suggested THAT first, then nothing he said after would've bothered me.
But instead he leads with this:
"Well, my parents mentioned dinner but I didn't think you'd want to do that."
"I really want to watch football, but I don't think you want to do that either."
"I should probably see Tom this weekend, but I know you wouldn't like that."
So in essense, he essentially only thought of THREE things to do, NONE involving him and I but all involving sports, his parents, or Tom- the usual suspects. To top it off, he STILL brought it up even though he didn't think I'd want to go and the kicker is, he made me feel BAD for not wanting to do that stuff....for wanting to just go on a date with him.
Then, when I got mad, he pulled the "I'm afraid to talk to you and you're a ticking time bomb" bit, which makes me feel guilty and bad about myself. I mean, YES, I have been waaaaaaaay negative with him and waaaaay too short-fused but it's for a reason. I'm not just some negative, diva who wants it all. I want him to ask me on ONE FUCKING DATE....something apparently cannot be acheived in FOUR months. Literally he's had FOUR months since I brought this off and something that seems SO simple and easy to fix, he can't do. And then he acts like I'm always telling him he does everything wrong but the truth is, he refuses to do ONE thing (I've literally only asked him to do one thing) RIGHT. Instead, he just half-asses it. Every time we have these talks, he'll text me a little more, say things like "I love you" more...etc. Which is great and usually suffices...until a month passes and I realize he hasn't made ANY action. He was blaming it on money but somehow has the money to play black jack and go to Laughlin.
Now, he has no excuses but he blames me and says that when I act out like I have been, he doesn't like being around me.
It's such a catch-22. I'm sure I have been a pain in the ass. And I KNOW I created tension with us because I was reall upset and didn't know how to deal with it, so I just fumed at him all the time. So, in some respect, I know that my blowing up has caused him NOT to want ot be with me. But the fact is, the solution is so simple and he can't even give me that.
The example I gave above is the kicker. Because he could've just said to himself, yeah I want to do all that but what's important to Ashlie is that we go out. And he could've just asked me to dinner and never even brought that stuff up.
But he doesn't want to do that.
He's selfish and sacrificing one night of football/Tom was too hard. So instead, he brought it up in a way that tried to manipulate me into thinking that he understood what I wanted but was actually hoping I'd just feel guilty and change my mind.
I know it sounds like I'm bashing him a lot and I am. Trust me, if this was the whole story I'd obviously have no problem dumping him. But he CAN be really great. He DOES have qualities that I've never had before. I love how verbal he is and he usually DOES alter his behavior enough where I know he's listening.
But the problem...and likely the reason for the demise of his relationship with the last girl...is that he's too selfish. He's been babied by his mom his whole life and was basically an only child...and got what he wanted all the time. The thing that compounds the situation is that his dad like, NEVER takes his mom out and basically sits on his ass watching sports and yelling 90% of the time. So, he's grown up in a family where the parents are distant.
Those are the things that worry me the most. Something as small as him asking me on dates seems SO simple to fix but I worry that it's SO counterintuitive to him. He comes from a family where the parents basically do nothing romantic together and his dad completely disrespects his mom. She basically hangs out with her friends 50% of the time, or drinks wine the other 50%. He's selfish because he was raised to be selfish. So I worry that I'm hitting a brick wall with him. Yes, he's great in so many ways and yes he has POTENTIAL (that evil word) but it'll be hard to undo 27 years of selfishness and a family whose idea of a relationship is separate but equal. I feel like he understands what I want, but doesn't want the same things. So he ends up only giving me what he's willing, which is only half of what I want. And how can I change that? I can't.
I've decided that my strategy is this: the ultimate deadline is the end of December. And that's not a "if he doesn't shape up by January, he's out" deadline. It's a, "maybe we can finally resolve our MUTUAL issues." If not, then why should I waste another second being between 50-70% happy.
I'm going to work really hard on being pleasant and avoiding bringing up negative energy. Even though the root of my problem is justified, the exploading and the nit-picking are NOT. I'm getting mad at him for things that I shouldn't be concerned with. Obviously it all goes back to me feeling like he just doesn't want to be with me/I'm an accessory, but I'm unjustified in how I handle it. Plus, I've TOLD him the issue, in depth, and as clearly as I'm capable, at least 3-5 times. Talking it out is not going to solve much more at this point. So, instead of talking, I'm just going to let it go. I'm going to let it roll off my back- not forever, but for the next three months.
My hope is that if I can get it to the point where I'm giving him what he wants- less drama and more pleasantry- then maybe if there's not tension between us, he'll WANT to spend time with me. At this point, I don't blame him for avoiding alone time with me...but it just continues the cycle of me getting more mad and acting out more. But if I"m pleasant, then that's no excuse. Hopefully if I'm giving him a more loving atmosphere, he'll finally give me what I want- attention.
If after I go through that, and I try really hard to stay happy and let drama roll off...if he STILL won't initiate anything, then I KNOW it's not just because of how I've been acting- it's because he either doesn't care about me (somehow I doubt that though, since the more I found out, the more I think these same issues existed with the last girl) or that he's just too selfish and not someone I'd want to try to forge more of a relationship with anyway.
I just don't have the energy for this anymore. Brandon was supposed to be different. And he WAS- for 3 months. Then he got comfortable.
If the result is positive, then as scary as it is to be single in a place where I have no family and my friends are all attached, I'll just have to do it. Because the longer I stay with him and feel like he doesn't care about what I want, the worse I"ll feel about myself and the less time I'll spend trying to figure out how to occupy myself and finding a guy who DOES want what I want.
I don't know what to do about Brandon. I think my friends think I should break up with him, and a large part of me does too.
It's just frustrating to have the same conversations over and over. The conversation where I tell him I feel like he never really wants to spend time with me. The conversation where I explicity, and as clearly as I can, tell him what's bothering me. Where I explain that the fact that probably since my birthday he hasn't taken me on a real date, where he suggested it, he paid, he treated me...makes me feel like he's just not interested in being with ME. Where I try to make it plain to him that the fact that the only thing he ever seems interested in doing is visiting his family or watching sports/drinking/gambling with Tom worries me because those aren't things that involve me. The fact that ANY time Tom wants to hang out, Brandon is willing to drop me on my ass like a bad habit for him...is bothersome.
I just don't get it. Who is he trying to forge a life with? His mom? Tom? Tom's girlfriend, Ashley? It SHOULD be me, but I always end up feeling like I'm just an accessory to him.
Since probably June I've talked and talked to him about this issue and I'm to the point where I shouldn't HAVE to force him to want to spend time with me...to want to be with me...to want to show me that doing something I like is just as important as doing things he'd like. I've talked so much and he hasn't even done the most simple, rudimentary thing he could do- ask me on a date. Even THAT is too hard for him. And this is since June.
I mean, it shows me just how selfish he is and I'm not convinced that's something you can change. I don't WANT to hang out with Tomshley all the time, but I end up doing it and sometimes even suggesting it becaue I know Brandon enjoys it. If Brandon and I have plans or if I know he wants to hang out with me, even when something "better" comes along, I still say no. And I don't tell him or bring it up to him. I just do it, because I KNOW that if I point out to him that there's something else I'd rather do he'll feel like he's forcing me to hang out with him and he'll feel like I don't want to be with him.
But he can never afford me the same courtesy. ANY time something more "appealing" (which 9 times out of 10 involves Tom or sports) comes along, he brings it up. He can never just sacrifice what HE wants to do, and bite his tongue and humor me. A great example is the most recent occurance.
He asked me what I wanted to do over the weekend. This came off of a talk we had where I once again told him I needed him to initiate romantic things with me every so often- I'm not asking for grandiose gifts, expensive dinners or fabulous trips, I'm asking him to fucking ask me one ONE date...something he hasn't done and apparently, refuses to do, since probably April. We'd even talked earlier this week and I'd suggested iPic or one of those and he'd told me about some restaurant. So I thought he was actually going to try. Logic would tell him and any guy with a brain that if he wants to make me happy, he should suggest something to do that involves just us. If he'd suggested THAT first, then nothing he said after would've bothered me.
But instead he leads with this:
"Well, my parents mentioned dinner but I didn't think you'd want to do that."
"I really want to watch football, but I don't think you want to do that either."
"I should probably see Tom this weekend, but I know you wouldn't like that."
So in essense, he essentially only thought of THREE things to do, NONE involving him and I but all involving sports, his parents, or Tom- the usual suspects. To top it off, he STILL brought it up even though he didn't think I'd want to go and the kicker is, he made me feel BAD for not wanting to do that stuff....for wanting to just go on a date with him.
Then, when I got mad, he pulled the "I'm afraid to talk to you and you're a ticking time bomb" bit, which makes me feel guilty and bad about myself. I mean, YES, I have been waaaaaaaay negative with him and waaaaay too short-fused but it's for a reason. I'm not just some negative, diva who wants it all. I want him to ask me on ONE FUCKING DATE....something apparently cannot be acheived in FOUR months. Literally he's had FOUR months since I brought this off and something that seems SO simple and easy to fix, he can't do. And then he acts like I'm always telling him he does everything wrong but the truth is, he refuses to do ONE thing (I've literally only asked him to do one thing) RIGHT. Instead, he just half-asses it. Every time we have these talks, he'll text me a little more, say things like "I love you" more...etc. Which is great and usually suffices...until a month passes and I realize he hasn't made ANY action. He was blaming it on money but somehow has the money to play black jack and go to Laughlin.
Now, he has no excuses but he blames me and says that when I act out like I have been, he doesn't like being around me.
It's such a catch-22. I'm sure I have been a pain in the ass. And I KNOW I created tension with us because I was reall upset and didn't know how to deal with it, so I just fumed at him all the time. So, in some respect, I know that my blowing up has caused him NOT to want ot be with me. But the fact is, the solution is so simple and he can't even give me that.
The example I gave above is the kicker. Because he could've just said to himself, yeah I want to do all that but what's important to Ashlie is that we go out. And he could've just asked me to dinner and never even brought that stuff up.
But he doesn't want to do that.
He's selfish and sacrificing one night of football/Tom was too hard. So instead, he brought it up in a way that tried to manipulate me into thinking that he understood what I wanted but was actually hoping I'd just feel guilty and change my mind.
I know it sounds like I'm bashing him a lot and I am. Trust me, if this was the whole story I'd obviously have no problem dumping him. But he CAN be really great. He DOES have qualities that I've never had before. I love how verbal he is and he usually DOES alter his behavior enough where I know he's listening.
But the problem...and likely the reason for the demise of his relationship with the last girl...is that he's too selfish. He's been babied by his mom his whole life and was basically an only child...and got what he wanted all the time. The thing that compounds the situation is that his dad like, NEVER takes his mom out and basically sits on his ass watching sports and yelling 90% of the time. So, he's grown up in a family where the parents are distant.
Those are the things that worry me the most. Something as small as him asking me on dates seems SO simple to fix but I worry that it's SO counterintuitive to him. He comes from a family where the parents basically do nothing romantic together and his dad completely disrespects his mom. She basically hangs out with her friends 50% of the time, or drinks wine the other 50%. He's selfish because he was raised to be selfish. So I worry that I'm hitting a brick wall with him. Yes, he's great in so many ways and yes he has POTENTIAL (that evil word) but it'll be hard to undo 27 years of selfishness and a family whose idea of a relationship is separate but equal. I feel like he understands what I want, but doesn't want the same things. So he ends up only giving me what he's willing, which is only half of what I want. And how can I change that? I can't.
I've decided that my strategy is this: the ultimate deadline is the end of December. And that's not a "if he doesn't shape up by January, he's out" deadline. It's a, "maybe we can finally resolve our MUTUAL issues." If not, then why should I waste another second being between 50-70% happy.
I'm going to work really hard on being pleasant and avoiding bringing up negative energy. Even though the root of my problem is justified, the exploading and the nit-picking are NOT. I'm getting mad at him for things that I shouldn't be concerned with. Obviously it all goes back to me feeling like he just doesn't want to be with me/I'm an accessory, but I'm unjustified in how I handle it. Plus, I've TOLD him the issue, in depth, and as clearly as I'm capable, at least 3-5 times. Talking it out is not going to solve much more at this point. So, instead of talking, I'm just going to let it go. I'm going to let it roll off my back- not forever, but for the next three months.
My hope is that if I can get it to the point where I'm giving him what he wants- less drama and more pleasantry- then maybe if there's not tension between us, he'll WANT to spend time with me. At this point, I don't blame him for avoiding alone time with me...but it just continues the cycle of me getting more mad and acting out more. But if I"m pleasant, then that's no excuse. Hopefully if I'm giving him a more loving atmosphere, he'll finally give me what I want- attention.
If after I go through that, and I try really hard to stay happy and let drama roll off...if he STILL won't initiate anything, then I KNOW it's not just because of how I've been acting- it's because he either doesn't care about me (somehow I doubt that though, since the more I found out, the more I think these same issues existed with the last girl) or that he's just too selfish and not someone I'd want to try to forge more of a relationship with anyway.
I just don't have the energy for this anymore. Brandon was supposed to be different. And he WAS- for 3 months. Then he got comfortable.
If the result is positive, then as scary as it is to be single in a place where I have no family and my friends are all attached, I'll just have to do it. Because the longer I stay with him and feel like he doesn't care about what I want, the worse I"ll feel about myself and the less time I'll spend trying to figure out how to occupy myself and finding a guy who DOES want what I want.