(no subject)
This is because I don't know what else to do. If you don't want to deal with my incoherent ramblings, I'm sorry, just skip over it. It's nothing new, I'm sure.
My Dad might have cancer. there is a swelling in his thyroid gland, and the doctors don't know what it is yet. He told me today that my grandmother is in the emergency room because of an eye anurism and a blood infection. I don't know what i would do if she died. if my dad died. My family means everything to me and if I don't have them, i don't know what i'll do.
School is tough. i've skipped two classes in the past three days, simply because i've been too exhausted physically and emotionally to deal with spanish or anthropology. it's hard enough when i'm not crying my eyes out, but to add on the emotional stress of everything is too much. i'm going to fail, and i don't want to fail. i hate being a failure.
swimming. i hate it and i love it. it doesn't make me happy but i feel accomplished after i've done with it. does it get easier after this week? i hope so, if i decide to do it, that is. i'm not on the team to make friends, i don't want to travel, and i'm there to compete at home and stay in shape. i'm graceful in the water, i'm in my element, and nothing can go wrong. but the leg cramps, the soreness, the exhaustion, is it worth it?
Brent. we go around in circles, i don't know if we're dependant on each other or what. i know i care about him deeply, and i'm happy with him when we're not talking about this kind of stuff. i feel stupid that i brought up the whole "what are we, what is this?" topic yet again last night, because every time i do, it ends and i end up heartbroken, only to feel elated afterwards because he kisses me and my problems go away. i hate that i'm so dependant on this one boy, this one person to bring me happiness and comfort, especially since i feel like i can't and don't bring anything to the table in our friendship/relationship, except for the fact that i occasionally make him feel good physically. so what to do? he doesn't know what he wants, i know that i want this to continue, but is it because i feel we can't be friends w/o fooling around, or because i'm dependant on him, or because i just a reassurance that i am worthy of having a boy. but it hurts knowing that we both thought everything was fine and solid during fall break, and then after sunday everything went to shit, and i don't know why. he feels badly about fooling around outside of a relationship, but he's not looking for a relationship. i don't know if that's just a line he's using to make me feel better b/c he doesn't want a relationship with me, or what. i dont' know what to think anymore, and neither does he. it sucks though, because i thought this weeked was going to be perfect. it's not going to be though, now that i don't have someone to wake up next to on saturday morning after a night of dancing at a party. i'm not about to hook up with a random guy, i'm done with that. i want Brent, i really need him, and i care about him a lot.
things need to go well for me, just once. is that too much to ask?
~Steph
My Dad might have cancer. there is a swelling in his thyroid gland, and the doctors don't know what it is yet. He told me today that my grandmother is in the emergency room because of an eye anurism and a blood infection. I don't know what i would do if she died. if my dad died. My family means everything to me and if I don't have them, i don't know what i'll do.
School is tough. i've skipped two classes in the past three days, simply because i've been too exhausted physically and emotionally to deal with spanish or anthropology. it's hard enough when i'm not crying my eyes out, but to add on the emotional stress of everything is too much. i'm going to fail, and i don't want to fail. i hate being a failure.
swimming. i hate it and i love it. it doesn't make me happy but i feel accomplished after i've done with it. does it get easier after this week? i hope so, if i decide to do it, that is. i'm not on the team to make friends, i don't want to travel, and i'm there to compete at home and stay in shape. i'm graceful in the water, i'm in my element, and nothing can go wrong. but the leg cramps, the soreness, the exhaustion, is it worth it?
Brent. we go around in circles, i don't know if we're dependant on each other or what. i know i care about him deeply, and i'm happy with him when we're not talking about this kind of stuff. i feel stupid that i brought up the whole "what are we, what is this?" topic yet again last night, because every time i do, it ends and i end up heartbroken, only to feel elated afterwards because he kisses me and my problems go away. i hate that i'm so dependant on this one boy, this one person to bring me happiness and comfort, especially since i feel like i can't and don't bring anything to the table in our friendship/relationship, except for the fact that i occasionally make him feel good physically. so what to do? he doesn't know what he wants, i know that i want this to continue, but is it because i feel we can't be friends w/o fooling around, or because i'm dependant on him, or because i just a reassurance that i am worthy of having a boy. but it hurts knowing that we both thought everything was fine and solid during fall break, and then after sunday everything went to shit, and i don't know why. he feels badly about fooling around outside of a relationship, but he's not looking for a relationship. i don't know if that's just a line he's using to make me feel better b/c he doesn't want a relationship with me, or what. i dont' know what to think anymore, and neither does he. it sucks though, because i thought this weeked was going to be perfect. it's not going to be though, now that i don't have someone to wake up next to on saturday morning after a night of dancing at a party. i'm not about to hook up with a random guy, i'm done with that. i want Brent, i really need him, and i care about him a lot.
things need to go well for me, just once. is that too much to ask?
~Steph