(musesandlyrics) "Something is scratching its way out. Something you want to forget abou
"The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not."- Grey's Anatomy
(Co-written with Dean's (jstliketherifle) mun. Angeline is Dean's NPC. This is a small part of a much bigger piece with can be found HERE)
She paused for a moment, confused at the response, before brushing it off. "Is there anythin' else you'd like to see, darlin'?"
He shook his head. "I remember it all anyway." Which was funny because he hadn't a few minutes ago.
Not so funny to her. She knew the human mind was a little tricky sometimes. She paused again, trying to figure out how exactly to word this. "Mind helpin' me with somethin'? Before we go home?"
He shrugged, more of a gangly teen no. "Sure."
She straightened so that she was standing again, before starting to lead him back down the hallway. She stopped in front of the jammed door, watching more of his face than the door itself. "Alec, where does this door go?" She asked it as gently as possible, though she knew that it was going to be hard to get an answer.
He was pressed back against the other wall. "I. . I don't know this room."
"No?" she asked, raising an eyebrow slightly as she placed a hand on the door lightly. Pain and fear radiated through it, but she didn't know why, and she knew it scared him on some level. "I've been in a few minds in my day, honey. Doors aren't supposed to be jammed like this."
Leave it. Please" He shuddered violently when she set her hand on the handle.
"No." She turned around to face him, no longer trying to coax him out and play nice, but now facing him with the facts. This may be his mind, but she knew minds, and knew that having something stuck like this was hurting, rather than helping him. "What's behind the door, Alec?"
"I don't know." But he knew it was bad. Awful.
"Listen to me, sugar." She moved closer to him, placing her hands on the side of his face lightly. "They may have done awful things to you, may have taken things from you, but this is your mind. Yours, no one else's. You shouldn't not know what's behind those doors. Now, it might be bad, but it's yours. Good or bad, you're allowed to have that. And until you know what's behind that door, you won't know how good or bad it is."
"It's bad." He knew. He was sure. It was more than bad.
"How do you know it's bad if you don't know what it is?" she asked, the eyebrow still challenging, before moving back over to the door again, her hand landing on the handle. There was something about it that felt familiar -- like a kindred cousin -- but whatever it was, was natural. The way this door was closed wasn't. "It's part of you, Alec. Naturally. It's meant to be here. Why do you think that it's bad?"
"If. . if they don't like how you are," He swallowed like he might be sick. "They take it away. They take everything away." His head hurt and the heel of his hand came up to press at his temple.
"Well, they aren't here anymore," she said with a firm look. "The people you're with now? They won't care about what's behind this door. They love you, darlin'. Unconditionally. No matter what. I can help you get this back."
"Won't they love me without whatever it is?" He asked desperately. He didn't want her to open that door.
"Of course they will," she sighed. "But this isn't about them, honey. This isn't about anyone else but you. They took this from you. All consequences aside, don't you want to get that back?"
"I'll never get it back." He wasn't sure what was missing but he knew that it wouldn't be coming back.
"Don't you want to at least know what it was?"
"Why would that make it better?" He was mortally afraid she'd have an answer.
She was quiet for a moment, before gesturing to the door. "Doors like this aren't meant to be in someone's head. When they get jammed like this -- it hurts you, mentally. If you open it, getting it to flow better for you, you'll feel better. I promise." She paused for a moment, before moving over to rest a hand on his shoulder. "You can open the door yourself, or I can do it, but I can't leave knowing you've got this -- block here. Not when I have the power to do somethin' about it."
He shook his head "I'm broken. Nothing will change that."
"Just because you're broken, darlin', doesn't mean ya can't be fixed, and if you wanna be fixed?" She turned and pointed back towards the door. "That door is a step in a right direction."
He curled in on himself. "It's bad. It'll hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore."
"Sometimes the best things in the world have to hurt first," Angeline sighed. "Trust me. I know."
He slapped a hand flat against the wall. "This isn't one of those things." There was a spark on anger there.
"How. Do. You. Know."
"I just do!" He was definitely angry now. "I lived it! You didn't! Once was enough!"
Angeline looked at him firmly, before crossing her arms in front of her. "I know there's pain. And I know it will hurt at first. But there is something good behind that door. Something that you need, and I'm not going to let you go without it." She moved back towards the door, placing her hand on the handle again. "Last chance, Alec. Either you do it or I will."
He bared his teeth at her. He couldn't stop her and he knew it. But that didn't mean he could be bullied either. He wouldn't do this to himself.
"Fine," she said firmly, before starting to turn the handle. She paused for a moment, focusing whatever power was there and then pulling, retching the door open slowly, but surely.
He was trying hard, the more the door opened the sicker he felt. Eventually his knees gave and he ended up on floor.
Angeline glanced back at him for a moment, before looking back at what was happening behind the door. She was masochistic that way -- she needed to understand why this room scared him so much, even if she wound up regretting it.
In the room 494 struggled against doctors and scientists, fighting them but to bound by fear to actually kill them. He struggled and babbled about how he had done anything, and he was sorry. Whatever they didn't like he was sorry. He ended up on the table anyway and from there it just got worse. The whole room was a wash of dark reds of his own terror and the gritty brown-grey of the doctors. They didn't care at all. He wasn't a person so it didn't matter if he was frightened or hurt.
Angeline started to back away as she watched, moving to sink down against the wall next to him. It was worse than she thought it was going to be, but there had to be something good on the other side. There had to be. There always was.
If there was he didn't know about it. He curled up where he had fallen hands pressed to his temple and cried. There was no way to hide it. "It wasn't theirs to take." The words were muffled and sobbed out. In the room what they couldn't do with chemicals they eventually hard did with knives. And that mental wailing in Alec's own voice bled out of the room and into the hallway.
Angeline did the only thing she could think of at the moment, and she shifted enough so that she could pull him in closer, holding him and trying to provide whatever comfort she could. "No, baby. It wasn't theirs to take at all."
He stayed pressed close to her bawling his eyes out and shaking like the epileptic he was. After a few more minute the wailing cut off abruptly and the world lost it's color.
"Shhhh, shhhh," she murmured softly. "It's alright. I gotcha. I'm not lettin' go, remember." The loss of color saddened her more than anything else. Because she had an idea of what was taken and she couldn't imagine what made them think that they could inflict that kind of trauma on a child.
He shook his head. It wasn't okay. He remembered now. About how he couldn't understand people any more. About how he stumbled around because the world didn't look right. The hurt in his head that had lasted for months. About the seizures which was so much worse now. About how they had hurt. Not just hurt him but taken something which wasn't theirs. Except it was. Because he belonged to them.
Angeline considered remembering better than not. She didn't say that, though, just kept him close, rubbing his back lightly and letting him cry himself out.
He did eventually and was utterly exhausted. He wanted the door to close. The smell of the blood was making him feel sick.
Him and her both. She waited until he was finished, before starting to get up again slowly, closing the door quietly and making sure it didn't stick.
He watched her and didn't say a word. Talking had only gotten him in trouble now that he could understand people properly any more.
She paused once the door was closed, before making her way over to him and extending her hand again. "Wanna go home, sugar?"
He nodded. He very much did want to go home.
She nodded as well, before tilting her head towards the way out. "Let's go, then. It's not far."
He nodded again and stood to follow, wobbling a bit, but held onto the wall to get his bearings.
Angeline led the way back out to where she had propped the door open, pausing long enough to let him get out ahead of her and back into the house, before removing the doorstop and letting it close.
Alec followed her out into the house, and the space felt more familiar with every step he took. But it also seemed a little dulled to him to. Now that he knew what was missing. How things should have been. The bedrooms should have been overlaid with the emotions of the people who used them, and there was nothing. He'd watch Angeline's footsteps and where they should have had a brief second of color before fading to tell him how she felt, there was nothing.
She stopped at the front door of the house, before turning back around to face him again. "Well, this is my stop. You gonna be alright, honey?"
He shrugged, honestly not knowing. Here he wouldn't lie and say yes. He bit his lip, swallowed and took a minute to work up the words. "Can tell Dad anything but about me twin. Doesn't need to know. He can't fix any of it."
"I wasn't goin' to tell him anythin' anyway. Not my place." She nodded. "Your secret's safe with me."
He shrugged and gave her a small smile making it clear that he really didn't mind his father or family knowing most of his secrets. Except for 493. He reached out and opened the front door for her politely, offering the courtesy as a thank you.
She smiled back, murmuring a thank you of her own before making her way out the door and back through the glass and barbed wire again. Once she was safe beyond the traps, she pulled back entirely, settling herself back into her own mind, and it was a few minutes before she opened her eyes and started to sit up again.
Alec closed the door behind her gently then leaned against it and eventually slid down until his butt hit the floor. He sat there for a good few minutes trying to convince himself that having hysterics really wasn't going to make things better. Especially not here, and especially not alone.
Slowly but surely, she pushed herself up from the couch she was sitting on. Using her abilities like that, especially with someone so emotional, was always a tiring process, but she needed to make sure Alec hadn't retreated on her again once she had left. She pushed herself up and moved forward, placing a hand on his arm lightly. "Alec?"
It was a long minute be he did open his eyes and actually look at her. He didn't say anything but he did make actual eye contact. One hand came up to wipe the tears of his face and the other buried itself in the fur of the giant dog that was suddenly right there.
She gave him a small smile, before nodding. "Your daddy's out front with his car, if you want to see him. I'm gonna go take a nap, alright?"
Muse: Alec McDowell/X5-494
'Verse: Wayward Sons
Fandom: Dark Angel
Word count: 2,143
(Co-written with Dean's (jstliketherifle) mun. Angeline is Dean's NPC. This is a small part of a much bigger piece with can be found HERE)
She paused for a moment, confused at the response, before brushing it off. "Is there anythin' else you'd like to see, darlin'?"
He shook his head. "I remember it all anyway." Which was funny because he hadn't a few minutes ago.
Not so funny to her. She knew the human mind was a little tricky sometimes. She paused again, trying to figure out how exactly to word this. "Mind helpin' me with somethin'? Before we go home?"
He shrugged, more of a gangly teen no. "Sure."
She straightened so that she was standing again, before starting to lead him back down the hallway. She stopped in front of the jammed door, watching more of his face than the door itself. "Alec, where does this door go?" She asked it as gently as possible, though she knew that it was going to be hard to get an answer.
He was pressed back against the other wall. "I. . I don't know this room."
"No?" she asked, raising an eyebrow slightly as she placed a hand on the door lightly. Pain and fear radiated through it, but she didn't know why, and she knew it scared him on some level. "I've been in a few minds in my day, honey. Doors aren't supposed to be jammed like this."
Leave it. Please" He shuddered violently when she set her hand on the handle.
"No." She turned around to face him, no longer trying to coax him out and play nice, but now facing him with the facts. This may be his mind, but she knew minds, and knew that having something stuck like this was hurting, rather than helping him. "What's behind the door, Alec?"
"I don't know." But he knew it was bad. Awful.
"Listen to me, sugar." She moved closer to him, placing her hands on the side of his face lightly. "They may have done awful things to you, may have taken things from you, but this is your mind. Yours, no one else's. You shouldn't not know what's behind those doors. Now, it might be bad, but it's yours. Good or bad, you're allowed to have that. And until you know what's behind that door, you won't know how good or bad it is."
"It's bad." He knew. He was sure. It was more than bad.
"How do you know it's bad if you don't know what it is?" she asked, the eyebrow still challenging, before moving back over to the door again, her hand landing on the handle. There was something about it that felt familiar -- like a kindred cousin -- but whatever it was, was natural. The way this door was closed wasn't. "It's part of you, Alec. Naturally. It's meant to be here. Why do you think that it's bad?"
"If. . if they don't like how you are," He swallowed like he might be sick. "They take it away. They take everything away." His head hurt and the heel of his hand came up to press at his temple.
"Well, they aren't here anymore," she said with a firm look. "The people you're with now? They won't care about what's behind this door. They love you, darlin'. Unconditionally. No matter what. I can help you get this back."
"Won't they love me without whatever it is?" He asked desperately. He didn't want her to open that door.
"Of course they will," she sighed. "But this isn't about them, honey. This isn't about anyone else but you. They took this from you. All consequences aside, don't you want to get that back?"
"I'll never get it back." He wasn't sure what was missing but he knew that it wouldn't be coming back.
"Don't you want to at least know what it was?"
"Why would that make it better?" He was mortally afraid she'd have an answer.
She was quiet for a moment, before gesturing to the door. "Doors like this aren't meant to be in someone's head. When they get jammed like this -- it hurts you, mentally. If you open it, getting it to flow better for you, you'll feel better. I promise." She paused for a moment, before moving over to rest a hand on his shoulder. "You can open the door yourself, or I can do it, but I can't leave knowing you've got this -- block here. Not when I have the power to do somethin' about it."
He shook his head "I'm broken. Nothing will change that."
"Just because you're broken, darlin', doesn't mean ya can't be fixed, and if you wanna be fixed?" She turned and pointed back towards the door. "That door is a step in a right direction."
He curled in on himself. "It's bad. It'll hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore."
"Sometimes the best things in the world have to hurt first," Angeline sighed. "Trust me. I know."
He slapped a hand flat against the wall. "This isn't one of those things." There was a spark on anger there.
"How. Do. You. Know."
"I just do!" He was definitely angry now. "I lived it! You didn't! Once was enough!"
Angeline looked at him firmly, before crossing her arms in front of her. "I know there's pain. And I know it will hurt at first. But there is something good behind that door. Something that you need, and I'm not going to let you go without it." She moved back towards the door, placing her hand on the handle again. "Last chance, Alec. Either you do it or I will."
He bared his teeth at her. He couldn't stop her and he knew it. But that didn't mean he could be bullied either. He wouldn't do this to himself.
"Fine," she said firmly, before starting to turn the handle. She paused for a moment, focusing whatever power was there and then pulling, retching the door open slowly, but surely.
He was trying hard, the more the door opened the sicker he felt. Eventually his knees gave and he ended up on floor.
Angeline glanced back at him for a moment, before looking back at what was happening behind the door. She was masochistic that way -- she needed to understand why this room scared him so much, even if she wound up regretting it.
In the room 494 struggled against doctors and scientists, fighting them but to bound by fear to actually kill them. He struggled and babbled about how he had done anything, and he was sorry. Whatever they didn't like he was sorry. He ended up on the table anyway and from there it just got worse. The whole room was a wash of dark reds of his own terror and the gritty brown-grey of the doctors. They didn't care at all. He wasn't a person so it didn't matter if he was frightened or hurt.
Angeline started to back away as she watched, moving to sink down against the wall next to him. It was worse than she thought it was going to be, but there had to be something good on the other side. There had to be. There always was.
If there was he didn't know about it. He curled up where he had fallen hands pressed to his temple and cried. There was no way to hide it. "It wasn't theirs to take." The words were muffled and sobbed out. In the room what they couldn't do with chemicals they eventually hard did with knives. And that mental wailing in Alec's own voice bled out of the room and into the hallway.
Angeline did the only thing she could think of at the moment, and she shifted enough so that she could pull him in closer, holding him and trying to provide whatever comfort she could. "No, baby. It wasn't theirs to take at all."
He stayed pressed close to her bawling his eyes out and shaking like the epileptic he was. After a few more minute the wailing cut off abruptly and the world lost it's color.
"Shhhh, shhhh," she murmured softly. "It's alright. I gotcha. I'm not lettin' go, remember." The loss of color saddened her more than anything else. Because she had an idea of what was taken and she couldn't imagine what made them think that they could inflict that kind of trauma on a child.
He shook his head. It wasn't okay. He remembered now. About how he couldn't understand people any more. About how he stumbled around because the world didn't look right. The hurt in his head that had lasted for months. About the seizures which was so much worse now. About how they had hurt. Not just hurt him but taken something which wasn't theirs. Except it was. Because he belonged to them.
Angeline considered remembering better than not. She didn't say that, though, just kept him close, rubbing his back lightly and letting him cry himself out.
He did eventually and was utterly exhausted. He wanted the door to close. The smell of the blood was making him feel sick.
Him and her both. She waited until he was finished, before starting to get up again slowly, closing the door quietly and making sure it didn't stick.
He watched her and didn't say a word. Talking had only gotten him in trouble now that he could understand people properly any more.
She paused once the door was closed, before making her way over to him and extending her hand again. "Wanna go home, sugar?"
He nodded. He very much did want to go home.
She nodded as well, before tilting her head towards the way out. "Let's go, then. It's not far."
He nodded again and stood to follow, wobbling a bit, but held onto the wall to get his bearings.
Angeline led the way back out to where she had propped the door open, pausing long enough to let him get out ahead of her and back into the house, before removing the doorstop and letting it close.
Alec followed her out into the house, and the space felt more familiar with every step he took. But it also seemed a little dulled to him to. Now that he knew what was missing. How things should have been. The bedrooms should have been overlaid with the emotions of the people who used them, and there was nothing. He'd watch Angeline's footsteps and where they should have had a brief second of color before fading to tell him how she felt, there was nothing.
She stopped at the front door of the house, before turning back around to face him again. "Well, this is my stop. You gonna be alright, honey?"
He shrugged, honestly not knowing. Here he wouldn't lie and say yes. He bit his lip, swallowed and took a minute to work up the words. "Can tell Dad anything but about me twin. Doesn't need to know. He can't fix any of it."
"I wasn't goin' to tell him anythin' anyway. Not my place." She nodded. "Your secret's safe with me."
He shrugged and gave her a small smile making it clear that he really didn't mind his father or family knowing most of his secrets. Except for 493. He reached out and opened the front door for her politely, offering the courtesy as a thank you.
She smiled back, murmuring a thank you of her own before making her way out the door and back through the glass and barbed wire again. Once she was safe beyond the traps, she pulled back entirely, settling herself back into her own mind, and it was a few minutes before she opened her eyes and started to sit up again.
Alec closed the door behind her gently then leaned against it and eventually slid down until his butt hit the floor. He sat there for a good few minutes trying to convince himself that having hysterics really wasn't going to make things better. Especially not here, and especially not alone.
Slowly but surely, she pushed herself up from the couch she was sitting on. Using her abilities like that, especially with someone so emotional, was always a tiring process, but she needed to make sure Alec hadn't retreated on her again once she had left. She pushed herself up and moved forward, placing a hand on his arm lightly. "Alec?"
It was a long minute be he did open his eyes and actually look at her. He didn't say anything but he did make actual eye contact. One hand came up to wipe the tears of his face and the other buried itself in the fur of the giant dog that was suddenly right there.
She gave him a small smile, before nodding. "Your daddy's out front with his car, if you want to see him. I'm gonna go take a nap, alright?"
Muse: Alec McDowell/X5-494
'Verse: Wayward Sons
Fandom: Dark Angel
Word count: 2,143