(mind_the_muse) "Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?"

[smart_alec494]

- Have you ever been betrayed by someone you love dearly? He sat. Unmoving. He wasn't sure for how long. All time was the same for him. He'd lost them. Slipped right through his blood slicked fingers

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[idontdig_graves]

Leaving Elle had thought was for everyone's own good. Too much pain had already come to them all, and she felt there was a risk if she stayed behind as well. Still now she felt like it had been a mistake to leave. All the promises she'd made to Dean to take care of Sam, to not let him lose himself if he lost him... Elle knew that she'd been selfish in her reasons for leaving. She knew it was time to go back, but she wasn't even sure if she could just say she was sorry and come back. Sam had asked her to be behind him during the battle, and somehow instead she allowed herself to be left behind instead. Now there were so many words of sorry being expressed that there was no way she wanted to add another one to the pile.

When she called Ruby she knew that it was already too late for any more apologies, and in a way it was too late for most of it. Ruby told her to come back to New Harmony for Alec. That Sam was taking Dean and her and they were heading out. It wasn't that Elle didn't understand the reasoning behind it, she knew that Sam was stubborn and that he wasn't going to just give up Dean. But Elle didn't understand how Sam could do this without realizing what else he was giving up by leaving.

Still she promised Ruby she'd go, and so she said her goodbye to Adam, thanking him for everything... apologizing for things she should've apologized for a while ago. But still just being grateful that despite everything he'd been there when she needed someone else.

When the cab pulled up to the hotel her stomach turned a bit seeing Alec sitting there outside on the sidewalk. Part of her saw Dean... but the other part of her saw pain. It was something she knew pretty well considering everything. Getting out of the cab and paying the fare she headed over toward where he was and took up refuge beside him. The concrete felt cool beneath her as she drew her knees up closer to her self. Folded arms rested there letting her chin settle atop her hands as she leaned against him already feeling that comforting warmth that rolled off of him.

"Hey," she started out knowing that really there were no words to put to the moment. Elle wanted to reach out, to wrap her arm around him and hold him because part of her wanted to be held too. Instead she just let the pressure of her body rest to his side for the moment knowing even that might be too much.

[smart_alec494]

There was an impression of blonde hair. Ozone, not sulfur. Lightning not matches. Warmth. It wasn't who he wanted, but it also wasn't someone he didn't want.

The sound of breathing besides his own was nice. It meant he was real. The emptry places didn't ever have faces. Especially not caring ones.

He finally remembered to thumb the safety back onto the gun. He didn't think he was who she wanted either. Not her husband. Not her Batman either. Just an expensive after showroom mock-up. He'd let her down to.

He let his forehead rest against his drawn up knees. After a while he said the only think he could think of. "Sorry."

[idontdig_graves]

Hearing the click of the safety put Elle's mind at ease a bit more. She wasn't afraid of guns, in fact she'd been shot by one before, but she was more worried about just what could make Alec think that he needed the gun. That single gesture though made her take in a deep breath and let it out because it was the sort of action that took strength, and she knew it.

Elle was beginning to hate that word, more than contract and more than the word soul. Sorry. Everyone was sorry, and it never did anything to fix it. People were always going to be sorry for something and after saying it for years to her father the word just started to lose meaning after a while.

But she knew that Alec didn't mean anything by it, but she also knew he didn't have anything to be sorry for. All of them had been there, they fought until they were bleeding and broken and screaming inside, but it was never going to be enough.

Sitting up straighter beside Alec she let her hand run across his back, just giving that presence that she was there, even if it wasn't who he wanted to be there. She couldn't smart off to him and smile at the end and make it all better again. She didn't have on the designer boots and the blackness inside of her that Elle knew Alec loved about Ruby. All she had was current, and a worn out muddied pair of Pumas on her feet.

"You don't have to apologize to me Alec. I'm the one that should be doing that, I'm the one that left," her hand rested between his shoulders for a moment, "I'm the one that gave up so easily when it got hard to manage."

[smart_alec494]

He shivers hard. Like an electrical shock. But like most things right now it was inside that was haywire. Nothing from Elle's hand but the urge to lean into it.

He wanted to. Wanted her to tell him what to do. He wanted to lean, but that need made people leave. Left him alone. He knew what to do. 'Come home.' And it was Elle's home to.

"Glad you weren't here. It was all off the rails. Better you didn't see it." He didn't look up. He just sat next to her. Another casualty of war.

[idontdig_graves]

When he shivers her hand hesitates a bit, wondering if she hadn't noticed what she was doing, or if she'd done something wrong. He didn't pull away from her touch though so she let her hand settle a bit heavier against him. It had to be constant she figured, something that stayed because she knew how it was to have no one want to touch you, to have that fear rolling off of people as you walked by them. It made her sick to think of how it used to be... before she came here. With clinical stares and clipboards making notations, and fathers that were never quite pleased enough.

Swallowing she nodded, trying to hear logic in her not being there, but it didn't matter if it was bad... she promised Dean she would stay with Sam. She promised Sam she wasn't going anywhere so many times.

"I should've seen it though... I promised... I promised I wouldn't leave him, and the first chance I get I just... let it all leave without me." Elle sighed heavily letting her feet stretch out away from her body, toes pointed out watching the laces hang onto the pavement a bit. "I was too scared... of what that was going to do to me... to the control I have over my ability? I didn't want to hurt anyone, but now I just hurt."

[smart_alec494]

He did lean a little then. For both of them. He shakes his head a little against his knees, hiding in the darkness behind his eyelids.

"You couldn't have stopped them. He wouldn't have seen you and she wouldn't have cared." He hunched in on himself farther if that was even possable. "I was here. Right here. The whole time. Sam was gone for just as long. And Ruby went with him." And there it was. The hurt. That traitorous selfish feeling.

[idontdig_graves]

It was almost an impossibility for Alec to lean into her and still seem to pull away, but it seemed that was the easiest thing for Elle to understand. That need to be close even though you want to be as far away as possible. It was the kind of hurt, that echoed and Elle hated that someone else felt that way too. When he finally let out a small part of what was bothering him Elle felt him pull in further.

It was the truth, the ones they loved... the ones they cared about left. Elle could reason that she left first, but she couldn't even think of how it felt for Alec. She had called Ruby, and she was sure Sam knew she was coming back, but they were already going to be gone by then.

So now what were they left to do but hate themselves for not being enough. For not being able to be enough, when it was supposed to count.

Elle understood the gun now, but it scared her more now that she could understand.

"We can't stay here Alec," Elle tried to reason with him a bit. Staying here wasn't going to make them come back, and it wasn't going to make up for the fact that they were alone. "You can't stay here... you stayed too long already."

[smart_alec494]

He shivers again, and turns his face a little, temple to knee. He finally opens his eyes and looks at her. "I know."

He hefts the cell phone a little. He feels weak now that he's feeling at all again. Boney wrist. He knew he'd never have the muscle Dean had, but now he thought he might look more like a spindly teenaged girl. He almost laughed, but then realized it's what Dean would say and wanted to cry instead. Hadn't been taking care of himself.

"Ally said come home." He's quiet for a long minute. "But." He swallows. He hadn't had to say it when it had been just him. "What if she leaves too?" He didn't doubt her, he doubted himself. He felt like a wounded animal. Cornered, afraid and hurt. He wanted some place small and dark to hide. He also wanted his sister. He wanted to be back in Manticore. Were the pain was canstanct because he knew how to deal with that.

[idontdig_graves]

Elle was trying to be strong enough for both of them, but she didn't have enough practice at it. All the emotions she was feeling she'd never had to deal with before, her father would come in and just take them all from her. This was real, and it was so real that all she could do was just breathe and try to push through it. But looking into his eyes Elle could see not just the pain, but the fear that she knew Alec strove to keep hidden.

Her own features fall at his words, her brow knitting with the slightest of confusion as her hand moves from between his shoulder blades into his hair her thumb straying against his other temple, "She's not going to leave Alec, and if she does? I'm not going anywhere. Not anymore. We'll go together, and that'll be better than here."

[smart_alec494]

What was it with blonde women knowing just how to handle him? Just how to touch so it wasn't to much. He didn't know Elle very well, and in that moment he thought maybe that was a real diservise to her. She was trying so hard. he could see it. He was observent, remember? And she was trying hard for him.

"Thank you." He was saying it for a lot of things. For her trying for him. For her showing up. For her telling him that not everyone would leave him. He hadn't realized how desperately he needed that until she said it. Thanking her for not being angry with him for his failures. She was trying for him. He needed to do the same for her. At least as best he could.

[idontdig_graves]

It was a slight give, she could see it but more than that she could hear it in the way he thanked her. She didn't think she deserved it, but still she was going to take it because it was offered. Her fingers scritched lightly at his scalp before she stood up beside him. Her jeans had bunched up around her knees a bit, and tugging them back into place she knelt down to retie her shoes for a moment. When she stood back up this time she exhaled lightly, just letting her body settle for a moment. They could do this, it wasn't as difficult as it felt, but it felt like this was so much more than she even realized.

Extending her hand out to Alec her head tilted to try and meet his eyes again, which wasn't so easy since he was still sort of hunched inward. Shifting her feet a bit on the pavement she moved until she could look at him, "Either give me your hand or the phone, I don't want the gun." Her own had been tucked at the small of her back anyway, Dean had given it to her and she wasn't going to leave it behind. Sure it had been a slight issue on the plane, but she was still registered to carry a weapon... just no one ever assumed she was the weapon.

"We're gonna go home Alec, Ally's waiting."

[smart_alec494]

He looked up at her final words, then her extended hand. He slipped the phone into his back pocket and then slowly took his hand. In his head it was more than a hand up. It was an agree ment to leave the others to fend for themselves. Like he had been left.

He did his best to haul his own weight up. He was lighter than he should be, but still he outweighted her. He swallowed. "I have John's truck." He tucked the gun away and his hands shook again. "I think you should drive." He didn't feel so well.

[idontdig_graves]

Elle wasn't going to argue with him, she wasn't going to say that he didn't look so hot either. She was pretty sure Ally'd kick his ass anyway if something was really wrong with him. Still she knew that there was something different about Alec beyond the pain and the broken of him. Taking the keys to John's truck she felt like a torch had been passed. It wasn't as if she was going to do anything wrong, but she wasn't even allowed to start the Impala... which she could've done without the keys.

She made sure the hotel room was empty, finding a few bags from when they'd headed out there for the fight. Those last remainders of all of them as a group were hard to toss into the back of the truck, but she did it. She did it so that Alec didn't have to.

Once they were both in the truck Elle started it up and headed out onto the road back to Terminal City. She didn't play the radio, or any of the tapes that were scattered about the dash. The silence was fine for now, and it was going to be a long ride.

[smart_alec494]

He did feel terrable. He hadn't been taking his pills they way he should. Hadn't been eating the way he should. X5s burned calories like they were going out of style. Alec apparently felt eating regularly was going out of style.

Psycholgists would talk about things like self punishment and secondary gain. About how he didn't eat or take his meds as a sort of passive suicide. The gun, active suicide, was more in keeping with the statistics of male suicide. About how if he was sick then some one would take care of him instead of the other way around. Or that his life was out of control and this he could control. If anyone had asked him the answer would have been simply that he didn't feel like it or that he didn't know.

He watched Elle move the bags and was glad she'd had the brains to do it. Because he hadn't. The truck wasn't the same sacred thing that the Impala was. Alec had driven it while John was alive. So had Ally. But it was still a safe place for Alec. He could still smell John in the seats. It was bulky, steady and strong the was John had been. Like the Impala was slick and feirce, like Dean.

Alec climbed in and curled up in the seat. Back against the door the toes of his boots tresting carefully against Elle's thighs. Just to stay connected.