(no subject)
People usually find it odd that the Smiths are one of, if not, my favorite bands. Whenever anyone asks me what I'm doing after school, it's become standard to reply "lying around in the dark and listening to the smiths with my cats." I've recently realized that I'm not kidding. That I haven't grown up that much from middle school. That no one has.
That I still fucking need this. How do I still need this?
A is still depressed. I'd really like to introduce her to Tom Cruise. And I would do it, would she not bite my head off for trying. That girl is living, breathing proof that chemical imbalances exist. She's got perfect grades, good looks, a good-looking, intelligent boyfriend that cares about her a lot, tons of friends, and she's an ultra talented singer and actress (one of the best in our relatively large school.) And yet she's as insecure and depressed as she ever was. Superfically, it doesn't make sense, but she just hates herself so much without any reason to. And I have not acknowledged at all how much we've really drifted... it's just after these last couple days when she has felt that everyone important ditched her, that she's really been turning to me. And I don't feel bad about it because it's not like I call, make plans with, or depend on her. But I'm just so, so worried. I don't want her to be left alone... she SAID she can't be left alone and if anything happens I don't even know what I'll do with myself. We're going away for the weekend and to be honest, I'm not that excited for our plans, just grateful I'll be there and he'll be there and a bunch of our neutral, non-antagonizing friends as well. It's funny to think that her relationship with B is at the very core of this. But then again, no one is very happy with her right about now.
B has been in "full-on bitch mode" as C put it so eloquently today. I can't even remember the last time we talked; she sits across the room from A and I in trig now, never IMs me, doesn't call, doesn't stop to say hello in the hallways. She's even moved over a few feet from where we usually gather in the cafeteria. And then thing is, I have no idea if it's me, or if I've just been lumped into association with A. Even at prom, she seemed distant. And I felt awful for C, as he was positively geeked to be her date, and then the whole night, he complained about "never seeing her." And it was the same way with me... I mean... I am number one on her top 8 (oh yeah, I just referenced Myspace) and she just launches into a silent treatment unprovoked. That semes to be going around lately.
D has definitely been into that. Which means I am most certainly at that point in our relationship where I just fucking hate his guts. I keep thinking that I will miss him when he leaves, but it will probably be less stressful. I just can't stand how he can't seem to shy away from extremes with me. He has to be either completely obsessed with me or ignore me, outright. And I can't believe this has been going on for a YEAR AND A HALF. I've been fielding "are you dating?" questions, enduring awkward smarm attempts, and wondering wtf is his problem for eighteen months now. I'll admit I've most certainly pushed boundaries a little much, but just about every time it has been completely his fault. When our friends went out of town, it was easy to forget that people would hear about shit later and all, but he was the one that called me every day, that came to my house incessently, that jumped on me every single time E left the room. He was the one that asked me to prom. The one that did all the planning. The one that ranted and raved to everyone that would listen about how beautiful I was. The one that used to IM me all the song lyrics that reminded him of me at the time. I just don't get how I could have any role in this other than not-quite-innocent victim. The victim term is still in there, though. It definitely is. I can't like him of course; if I did, I wouldn't feel so icky when E told everyone about everything.
E is the strangest person. I have never gotten as close to someone so fast as I have to him. It's strange to think that we've only been friends for a month and he's done with school in a few weeks. Even stranger to think that he's going off to Connecticut for college. Hell, it's odd enough to think that someone from around here, yet alone someone who's a pretty close friend of mine, is going to fucking Yale. But I guess we just kind of 'get' each other, lame as that may sound. But everything we say to each other just seems to make sense. I love how I can just call him any time and he'll drive across the damn country to come hang out for half an hour. But I've still got my suspicions that F fancies him a little bit.
F doesn't like to admit to stuff like that. Then again, which of us does? But there are little things, like her writing in her livejournal about D and I not wanting to go to prom together and "everyone else stealing my date"... like she didn't physically break us up halfway through the Zoot Suit Riot. But not-so-deep down, I'm sure she's more than a little fond of E, and I do feel guilty for kind of dancing with him a whole lot and hanging out with him too much, but she does know that I love HER a lot, too, right?
I could go on.
I could go on and on.
I could go on about how I can't believe how much hanging around smart, good-looking, talented people has actually raised my confidence. How I actually HAVE confidence all of a sudden. How my social calendar seems so full and yet I'd so much rather be alone with felines and music. How I just can't have that low of self-image when not only am I A's confidante (everyone thinks she's perfect), but I am B's #1 Myspace friend (she loathes everyone alive with a passion), C actually thinks I'm a worthwhile person (he's a huge elitist), D asked me to prom (after rant after rant about how dances are a waste of time and money and there aren't any girls he could ever like enough to bother with), E always wants to hang out with and talk to me (he's the most intelligent person to have gone to our school, statistically speaking), and F can tolerate me most of the time (I'm one of a very, very select few.)
Hell, I have no reason to be antisocial at all.
Because I haven't even touched on G, whose hatred is reserved for "all the hos," except me, of course. And H, who according to most people is the most arrogant boy alive, comes over all the time and described me as "one of (his) favorites," how I just can't even think of anyone that particularly doesn't like me.
How J suddenly wants to talk to me all the time. How he wanted ME to help him study yesterday. How he flirted with ME today at the game. How... how the hell could that even happen? How could I randomly select a boy I don't know at the beginning of school to be in love with, knowing that there's no way I could be let down or disappointed and have him actually decide to come around, despite little to no effort from me, aside from taking my skirt off.
Um. Well. That wasn't as bad as it sounded, I swear.
Anyway, I just can't find any reason to complain about my own situation except that everyone around me seems to be having such a terrible time and I have too much goddamn homework that I'm never gonna get around to doing. Bah.
I can't believe I wrote in here.
I can't believe I look decent in group photos.
I can't believe how many pictures people now have of D and I being affectionate.
I can't believe J actually seems to be showing some sort of interest.
I can't believe how much I love every song the Smiths ever did.
Especially this one.
That I still fucking need this. How do I still need this?
A is still depressed. I'd really like to introduce her to Tom Cruise. And I would do it, would she not bite my head off for trying. That girl is living, breathing proof that chemical imbalances exist. She's got perfect grades, good looks, a good-looking, intelligent boyfriend that cares about her a lot, tons of friends, and she's an ultra talented singer and actress (one of the best in our relatively large school.) And yet she's as insecure and depressed as she ever was. Superfically, it doesn't make sense, but she just hates herself so much without any reason to. And I have not acknowledged at all how much we've really drifted... it's just after these last couple days when she has felt that everyone important ditched her, that she's really been turning to me. And I don't feel bad about it because it's not like I call, make plans with, or depend on her. But I'm just so, so worried. I don't want her to be left alone... she SAID she can't be left alone and if anything happens I don't even know what I'll do with myself. We're going away for the weekend and to be honest, I'm not that excited for our plans, just grateful I'll be there and he'll be there and a bunch of our neutral, non-antagonizing friends as well. It's funny to think that her relationship with B is at the very core of this. But then again, no one is very happy with her right about now.
B has been in "full-on bitch mode" as C put it so eloquently today. I can't even remember the last time we talked; she sits across the room from A and I in trig now, never IMs me, doesn't call, doesn't stop to say hello in the hallways. She's even moved over a few feet from where we usually gather in the cafeteria. And then thing is, I have no idea if it's me, or if I've just been lumped into association with A. Even at prom, she seemed distant. And I felt awful for C, as he was positively geeked to be her date, and then the whole night, he complained about "never seeing her." And it was the same way with me... I mean... I am number one on her top 8 (oh yeah, I just referenced Myspace) and she just launches into a silent treatment unprovoked. That semes to be going around lately.
D has definitely been into that. Which means I am most certainly at that point in our relationship where I just fucking hate his guts. I keep thinking that I will miss him when he leaves, but it will probably be less stressful. I just can't stand how he can't seem to shy away from extremes with me. He has to be either completely obsessed with me or ignore me, outright. And I can't believe this has been going on for a YEAR AND A HALF. I've been fielding "are you dating?" questions, enduring awkward smarm attempts, and wondering wtf is his problem for eighteen months now. I'll admit I've most certainly pushed boundaries a little much, but just about every time it has been completely his fault. When our friends went out of town, it was easy to forget that people would hear about shit later and all, but he was the one that called me every day, that came to my house incessently, that jumped on me every single time E left the room. He was the one that asked me to prom. The one that did all the planning. The one that ranted and raved to everyone that would listen about how beautiful I was. The one that used to IM me all the song lyrics that reminded him of me at the time. I just don't get how I could have any role in this other than not-quite-innocent victim. The victim term is still in there, though. It definitely is. I can't like him of course; if I did, I wouldn't feel so icky when E told everyone about everything.
E is the strangest person. I have never gotten as close to someone so fast as I have to him. It's strange to think that we've only been friends for a month and he's done with school in a few weeks. Even stranger to think that he's going off to Connecticut for college. Hell, it's odd enough to think that someone from around here, yet alone someone who's a pretty close friend of mine, is going to fucking Yale. But I guess we just kind of 'get' each other, lame as that may sound. But everything we say to each other just seems to make sense. I love how I can just call him any time and he'll drive across the damn country to come hang out for half an hour. But I've still got my suspicions that F fancies him a little bit.
F doesn't like to admit to stuff like that. Then again, which of us does? But there are little things, like her writing in her livejournal about D and I not wanting to go to prom together and "everyone else stealing my date"... like she didn't physically break us up halfway through the Zoot Suit Riot. But not-so-deep down, I'm sure she's more than a little fond of E, and I do feel guilty for kind of dancing with him a whole lot and hanging out with him too much, but she does know that I love HER a lot, too, right?
I could go on.
I could go on and on.
I could go on about how I can't believe how much hanging around smart, good-looking, talented people has actually raised my confidence. How I actually HAVE confidence all of a sudden. How my social calendar seems so full and yet I'd so much rather be alone with felines and music. How I just can't have that low of self-image when not only am I A's confidante (everyone thinks she's perfect), but I am B's #1 Myspace friend (she loathes everyone alive with a passion), C actually thinks I'm a worthwhile person (he's a huge elitist), D asked me to prom (after rant after rant about how dances are a waste of time and money and there aren't any girls he could ever like enough to bother with), E always wants to hang out with and talk to me (he's the most intelligent person to have gone to our school, statistically speaking), and F can tolerate me most of the time (I'm one of a very, very select few.)
Hell, I have no reason to be antisocial at all.
Because I haven't even touched on G, whose hatred is reserved for "all the hos," except me, of course. And H, who according to most people is the most arrogant boy alive, comes over all the time and described me as "one of (his) favorites," how I just can't even think of anyone that particularly doesn't like me.
How J suddenly wants to talk to me all the time. How he wanted ME to help him study yesterday. How he flirted with ME today at the game. How... how the hell could that even happen? How could I randomly select a boy I don't know at the beginning of school to be in love with, knowing that there's no way I could be let down or disappointed and have him actually decide to come around, despite little to no effort from me, aside from taking my skirt off.
Um. Well. That wasn't as bad as it sounded, I swear.
Anyway, I just can't find any reason to complain about my own situation except that everyone around me seems to be having such a terrible time and I have too much goddamn homework that I'm never gonna get around to doing. Bah.
I can't believe I wrote in here.
I can't believe I look decent in group photos.
I can't believe how many pictures people now have of D and I being affectionate.
I can't believe J actually seems to be showing some sort of interest.
I can't believe how much I love every song the Smiths ever did.
Especially this one.