now you know the crevices of places i hide from you

[smallwhitebike]

so i just love how life throws the shit ive been denying for so long, in my face. like the fact that ive never really been needed or wanted by anyone, anywhere. that the cop outs i refused to truly see are still there. that boys will be boys and they will try not to hurt you to keep up a good reputation. that of a good friend and good guy. when the things they use to keep away are the same that pull them in the other direction. boys ruin me. so i will ruin boys. im starting to think that maybe the reason i chase after boys i know i could never have are because i like to be ruined. i used to crave that painful crush just because i was sure id lost the ability to feel anything for anyone, now i wish i was numb again. just numb to people and life and love and everything, but now i feel it all and it reminds me why i hate feeling. oh i so hate being this way. i hate wanting to be kissed and not being kissed and just really wanting to. i hate being picky and naive and innocent and so hurtable. those were the last three reasons on my lists why i shouldnt like him. 8. ill just get hurt. 9. i always get hurt. 10. im so hurtable. i tried to find good reasons, but they were all just my own flaws. i hate being flawed. i hate wishing i was anyone and everyone else. im so tired. i want to sleep forever.

::sarah::