800 Years To Get It Right
800 Years To Get It Right
Fic title: 800 Years To Get It Right
Author name: smalltrolven
Genre: Wincest, Fix!It!Fic, Established Relationship
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: barely PG
Word count: 3,800
Characters: Sam, Dean
Warnings: Barely any sexual content, set immediately following “Shut Up Dr. Phil” episode 7.05.
Summary: Sam doesn’t give up on getting Dean to talk about what’s bugging him. Dean doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would.
Disclaimer: I only own these words, that’s it, nothing else.
Authors Note: This is only going to be an interesting read until the next episode airs, but I hope something like this happens. Written because I know Sam is not going to give up on getting Dean to talk.
Read on AO3 right here.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sam slowly comes back to awareness, cracking one eye open just to see what position he’d managed to get himself crammed into this time. It wasn’t one of the bad ones, but he could tell he was sore, feeling like one big bruise from all the tossing around the Starks had pulled while they were arguing, oh and don’t forget getting choked by Leviathan guy. He slowly sits up and unfolds a little, looking over at Dean who turns and smiles his ¼ apology smile at him. “Hey” Sam says tentatively, not sure if they are back to talking yet or not.
“Hey, how’re you feeling?”
“Like one big bruise, you?”
“’’Bout the same.”
“Where are we?” Sam the navigator is instantly back on duty.
“Should be another two hours ‘til we’re at the meeting spot with Bobby.”
Sam turned around to eye the Leviathan guy chained up and apparently comatose lying on the back seat. “He hasn’t moved or anything right?”
“Yep, guess Don knew what he was doing.”
Sam remembers more clearly now why he’d fallen asleep. It hadn’t been because he was tired, it was because Dean wasn’t speaking to him after his attempt to get him to talk over the roof of the Impala as they’d been leaving the motel. But now he was. So in Dean-ese that means that he’s been thinking about what they were talking about, having a conversation with himself in his head while Sam slept. Sam knows that he can’t give up on trying to get Dean to open up and unload whatever’s bugging him so much, he senses that it’s too important, but he needs to dance around it and present the question a different way than he’s tried before.
“So those Starks were really something weren’t they? I was just dreaming about them.”
“Just a regular dream right, not the special kind?”
“No, just regular, I don’t get those special ones anymore, you know that.”
“Just checking. Who knows what’s changed with the whole soul-reintegrating thing. But yeah, the Starks were definitely something.”
“Hard to imagine being with someone for 800 years isn’t it?” Sam asks, as nonchalantly as possible.
“Hah! Yeah, you could say that. I’m surprised they hadn’t offed each other earlier.”
“They really loved each other a lot though don’t you think?”
“Guess so, who knows though, they were witches.”
“What would you do if we were together for 800 years?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Just humor me, what do you think it would be like if we were together for 800 more years Dean?”
Dean takes a while to answer as he scrambles in his mind to come up with something that will satisfy Sam and not reveal too much of what he really thinks. “As long as I didn’t have to be a witch to do it, I guess it would be pretty cool. Think of all the evil sons of bitches we could take out in 800 years.”
Sam smiles widely at this answer, Dean just admitted he wouldn’t mind being with him for 800 more years. “Yeah, that would be something, I know I wouldn’t mind it at all, being with you for that much longer. Wonder if you’d still be calling me Lance Armstrong in 800 years?”
Dean snorts “Probably something else by then, but who knows right? We’ll be able to read minds or something by then with a chip in our brain so we won’t even have to talk anymore.”
“I hope not. I don’t know if I’d want to be able to read your mind Dean. And I’d really miss it."
“Oh c’mon, you wouldn’t want to be able to read my mind, isn’t that why you’re always asking me questions? And what would you miss?”
“Dean, I’d miss talking to you, just like this, having a conversation, I just, really like it is all. And I wouldn’t want to be able to read your mind because it would take all the fun and challenge out of figuring you out.”
“Oh I’m hard to figure out huh?”
“Sometimes. But not always.”
“Well over the course of 800 years maybe that would be different, right?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, we’d have time to develop our own code language. Make conversing more fast and efficient.”
“You don’t think we have that already? Remember how mad Dad would get at us for talking without talking?”
“Oh, yeah, I guess there’s that isn’t there, but just think how much better we would be at it. Well, I wish I could read your mind sometimes. It sure would make things easier in a lot of ways.”
“How so?”
“Just, I’d know ahead of time what kind of stuff you’d want to talk about, so I could prepare.”
“You want to prepare before talking to me? Why?”
“To make sure I don’t, say it all wrong, oh I don’t know…”
Dean starts to shift around uncomfortably, in Dean-ese Sam knows that means he’s gotten too close to something Dean doesn’t want to talk about so he switches over to what he really wants answered anyways.
“Dean did you really think all that stuff we told the Starks was crap?”
“Some of it yeah, but no, now that I’ve thought about it for a while, we actually made some pretty good points. I think we did well. We got them talking so they didn’t do something drastic to each other or any other people. Don seemed to appreciate it anyways.”
“I think you’re right, he did appreciate it. Plus his wife didn’t kill him, right? Hey, I’m sorry I made you so mad, back at the motel before we left. I hate driving when you’re not speaking to me.” Sam tries to sound as apologetic as possible.
“Well, I’m speaking now aren’t I? And I wasn’t really mad Sam.” Dean sounds a little exasperated, not a lot, yet.
Sam makes the connection with what Dean was telling him before, “Just unprepared?”
“Yeah, I guess, like I was saying before, I like to be able to think out what I’m going to say to you, especially about this important stuff.”
“Important stuff?”
“You know our relationship” Dean says with the somewhat sarcastic air quotes, “all that stuffs really important to you, and I don’t want to mess that up by saying something the wrong way.”
“Dean that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in a really long time. Thanks.”
“Uh, you’re welcome I guess. Thanks for what?”
“For recognizing that this “relationship stuff” is important to me. Because you’re right, it really is. ‘sides if we’re going to be together for 800 years, it’d probably be a good idea to get a few things straightened out, make the time fly by, you know?”
“Well, you know it’s important to me too, right? This right here,” Dean gestures between them with one hand, “it’s all I’ve got. And yeah, 800 years would be a long time to not have things straight between us.”
Sam recovers quickly from that surprising openness from his brother, “It’s all I’ve got too, that makes two of us in this. “ (Which is one of the biggest things Sam wants Dean to get out of this conversation.) “What do you think we need to get straightened out? Thought you said we were good when we were talking back at the motel.”
“We are, we’re good. Just, I heard what you said to the Starks, “Whatever you have, you’re bonded” and I wondered if you think that’s how we are?” Dean asks with such open curiosity in his voice that Sam sits up a little straighter, realizing that this is the opening he was looking for.
“Huh, I don’t know if I’ve ever used that term before, but yeah, in a lot of ways, probably most of the ways that really count we are definitely bonded. Bonded to me means there’s an unconscious aspect to the relationship, it just is, it isn’t a choice to be made anymore. Why?”
“Just wondering. Do you think that’s why we’re like this?”
Sam laughs “Like what? Together? Yeah, that’s part of it, but it’s not the only thing, at least not for me it’s not.”
“What else is there?”
“Dean, I’m with you for a whole ton of reasons besides just our being bonded or that you’re my brother or that we’re soul mates. You really want to hear what they are? You know I’ll be happy to tell you.”
“Um, sure, just a couple though, save a few for the next 800 years to lay on me.”
Sam’s really surprised by that answer, Dean actually wants to keep talking, now what does he say? Thank god they’re in the car is all he can think to himself, because he’s just going to go for it, why the hell not? He turns in his seat so he’s facing Dean as fully as he can,
“Well, I’d say the main reason I’m with you is because of how much I love you. It’s just, when you love someone like I love you, your life doesn’t make sense if you’re apart from them.”
“Me too” Dean says quietly. Oh so it’s like this Sam thinks to himself, in Dean-ese this means that Dean wants to tell him mushy stuff, but can’t bring himself to say the words, but he’ll say me too to what Sam puts out there. Which is fine, because Sam knows Dean needs to hear all this from him, over and over again until he really gets it.
“And another reason is because of the sex. Never been that good with anyone else dude, ever, not even close.”
Dean preens a little, loving the sex-god acclaim he always feels is his due, “Same here Sammy.” Dean looks over quickly at him with one of those trademark grin/leers that makes Sam glad he’s already sitting down. Sam reaches over and squeezes Dean’s upper thigh, tracing his fingertips on his brother’s inseam just for a moment, just until Dean shivers.
“How about one more? Can you take it?” Sam figures it’s worth a shot to get as much of this out there for Dean to hear as he can get away with.
“Sure, why not? I’m a big boy, hit me.”
“Another reason is that I love how you take care of me and that I get to take care of you.”
“Huh, hadn’t thought of it that way. But yeah, I say me too to that one.”
“That enough reasons for you, or do you want to hear more?”
“I’ve got nothing better to do, I’m just sitting here driving, go on if you want to.”
“Huh, well, how about, you’re an awesome partner. We just suit each other really well, and I wouldn’t want to do this job with anyone but you.”
“You’re right, we are a helluva team. Sometimes I wish…” Dean trails off, looking a little wistful.
“Wish what Dean?”
“I wish Dad could see us hunting together like this. I just think he’d be pleased that all the stuff he taught us finally worked.”
“Yeah, I know I wish that too sometimes.”
“Uh, I’ve got a reason, if you want to hear it.” Dean adds, a little more quietly.
Sam tries and fails not to show his excitement at his brother’s sudden participation “Uh sure, of course I do.”
“One of the reasons I’m with you is because I trust you Sam, I trust you with my life, every day.”
“Me too Dean. I’m glad that’s one we can agree on finally.”
“Yeah, I know, it was tough there for a while, but hey when you’re going to be together for 800 years, there’s gonna be a few rough patches right?”
“No doubt brother of mine, no doubt.”
Dean clears his throat and takes a big breath, “Hey Sam?’
“Yeah, Dean, what?”
“I’m glad we’re still together after all this time. Biggest joy of my life is you being with me like this. Guess maybe you’re right about the talking thing.” Dean says it so matter-of-factly and plainly, like it's no big deal.
Hearing this hits Sam so hard, so viscerally, that he can barely breathe for a second, he’s just able to grit out, “Dean pull over, up there, can you pull over.”
“What, are you okay?” Dean’s confused and a little alarmed at Sam’s use of the Dad/command voice which he can’t help but obey instantly.
Sam takes off his seatbelt and Dean’s as the car rolls to a stop and pulls Dean over onto his lap in an embrace that some would call a bear hug. “Yeah I’m okay. More than okay. Just needed to do this.” Sam’s lips find his brother’s right away enclosing them in soft wet heat, licking into his mouth he tries to put all the joy he feels at hearing his brother’s words into this kiss. “Love you so much Dean.” He whispers as he kisses over to Dean’s ear, biting and sucking his way down his brother’s sensitive neck. “Love you too Sammy.” Dean starts to get with the program, feeling his way up under his brother’s many shirt layers until he feel the skin of his strong warm back. He rubs back and forth just like always, over the biggest scar there right in the middle. They kiss and touch each other earnestly with increasing heat and abandon for a while before they both realize that this really can’t go anywhere since there’s a freaking Leviathan dude in the back seat.
Dean pulls back a little getting off of Sam’s lap, but still held in his arms, jerking his head towards the back seat. “Guess we better cool it ‘til we deal with Mr.Oozy back there.”
Sam’s reluctant to stop, but he has to agree, “I know, but I just had to”
“Was that my reward for doing the talking thing?”
“Mmmh,uh huh, yeah it was.” Sam mumbles as he leans over and continues kissing and biting up and down Dean’s neck.
“Well, then I’m definitely doing that more often from here on out.” Dean tips his head back enjoying the attention from his brother, even if he’s going to have to drive the rest of the way uncomfortably hard.
“Good, you do that. I’ll definitely reward you, however you want.” Sam’s reveling in this closeness this short conversation has produced between them. This is how he wants it to be with Dean, not all the time of course, but this easy back and forth affection is what he wants, it’s something that’s helping him deal with the hallucinations and memories of the Cage. He starts to say something about that, but then he feels Dean tighten up in his embrace though, and pulls back to look at him, to make sure everything is alright.
“Sam, I don’t know if it’s the right time or not. But I gotta tell you something that I really don’t want to.” Which in Dean-ese means he’s worried that whatever he’s about to say will be so bad that Sam will leave him again. Sam despairs of ever getting Dean to believe him that he’s not going anywhere without him, ever again. Maybe whatever this is he’s about to say, is what’s been bugging him so much, Sam hopes so because he doesn’t think he can take much more of the drinking Dean’s been doing.
“Dean, you know you can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what, okay?” Sam squeezes his shoulders gently, hoping it comes off as encouraging and pre-empts the worry of being abandoned that he knows his brother always holds.
“I went back and killed Amy Pond and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Dean says all in one breath obviously wanting it to be over quickly.
“You what?!” Sam drops his hands away from Dean’s shoulders and pulls away in surprise, staring at Dean in shocked disappointment.
“I had to Sam.” Dean looks over at him, pleading with his eyes and body for Sam to understand.
“But you said you trusted me, when we talked about it back in Spokane.”
“Yeah, and I did, I do. Sam I do trust you. I just didn’t trust her.” Dean grabs for Sam’s hands trapping them between his, trying to connect physically so that Sam will listen and not pull away.
“Dean I was vouching for her, I thought you got that when you said you trusted me.” Sam tries to twist away from his brother, but Dean just pulls him closer, holds him firmly in place.
“I did, I really did, I swear I did. I trusted you that you believed that about your friend. But I just couldn’t trust she wouldn’t ever kill again. No matter what she promised you or did for you when you were kids. What if her kid had gotten ill again? She would have done the same thing and you know that.”
“What happened to her kid, you kill him too?” Sam spits out, with so much venom Dean is taken aback and answers slowly, “No, of course not. I let him go.”
Sam is silent for a long while, not able to even look at Dean. Dean shifts uncomfortably, takes a deep breath and squeezes Sam’s hands in his grip.
“Sam, can you forgive me?” he asks quietly, not begging, just asking, hoping the answer won’t hurt too much.
Sam doesn’t answer, can’t answer, he’s so angry he can barely think straight. There isn’t anything he can do about this now that she’s dead. He gets that Dean is mostly right, that his reasons for doing it were logical, but he feels really betrayed here, really hurt. He knows he’s got to be careful here, that if he overreacts then it will confirm for Dean that he should have kept it to himself even longer.
Sam sighs, giving up on holding onto the anger for now, what’s the point, he’ll work it out later, “I don’t know Dean, I’ll work on it, I’ll try.”
“’’kay, I’m really sorry Sam. For not telling you. I really am.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Sam answers, blowing off the excess apology with a scoffing tone.
“Shit, don’t do that.” Dean says, sounding really hurt.
“Do what?” Sam asks, genuinely curious.
“Whatever me like that. Just don’t. Look, you wanted me to unload my baggage, well there it is. At least the most recent addition. See, this is why all this talking stuff doesn’t work for me.”
Sam gets his hands out of Dean’s grip and grasps his wrists, circling his thumb over each pulse slowly, “Dean this happened weeks ago, what’s it been doing to you all this time, not telling me? That work for you?”
Dean stops fidgeting and freezes, Sam can practically see his mind whirring going over all that’s happened since Spokane, he hopes whatever he says is the truth. “No. It really hasn’t. Thought Osiris was going to bring her out as the third witness, that’s why I said yes that I was guilty.”
“Wait a minute, you mean you were willing to have Osiris kill you instead of telling me this? Really? Do you see why that’s a little messed up Dean?” Sam didn’t think he could get any angrier, but somehow he is, his whole body tightened up and rigid.
“Yeah, I do. Course I do. I just couldn’t disappoint you like that Sam. Like how you are right now. Look, I didn’t think you could take the argument at the time when I took care of her. You were still, you know seeing Lucifer a lot and doing the hand thing all the time. I wanted to keep the load of it off of you as long as I could.”
“But Dean, you chose dying, leaving me instead of telling me the truth. I thought you said just a second ago that you trusted me, with your life. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.” Sam stops himself from saying more, from ranting and raving at him like he wants to. He knows this is the important part here, he knows what his brother is going to say before he even hears it.
“I didn’t want you to leave me again. There I said it, happy?” Dean sounds so defeated, like he knows the worst is still to come.
“So what, you thought you’d leave me first by dying? Nice, that’s just real nice.”
Dean shakes his head and doesn’t meet Sam’s eyes.
“Hey, you know what? If you don’t get it by now, that I wouldn’t leave you over something like this, then maybe we shouldn’t be together. I don’t know how else to prove it to you man. Either you believe me that I’m with you for good or you don’t. You pick.” Sam says with a heavy finality, laying it all out there. He hates to do this to Dean, but sometimes he has to put things harshly like this to get him to come around.
“Sam. C’mon. That’s not what it meant, you know that.” Dean looks over at him to see if that’s enough, Sam just raises one skeptical eyebrow. “Okay fine. I’ll pick. I believe that you’re with me for good.”
“Okay then, good pick there.”
“So do you forgive me or what?”
“I said I’ll work on it.”
“’kay, thanks.”
“Dean, can we please not have to do this again?”
“Do what again?”
“Just, if you trust me like you say you do, you gotta trust me with your words too. When I say you can tell me anything and I’ll never leave you, I need you to really believe that. Otherwise this is just going to happen again and maybe you’ll end up dead (again). And then I’ll figure out some way to bring you back so I can kick your ass.”
“Yeah, ok Sammy. I’ll work on it.”
“Good. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“We good then?”
“Better than good. 800 years good.”
Dean pulls out back onto the highway smiling and feeling lighter than he has in weeks. Maybe Sam won’t forgive him for killing Amy for a while, or ever, but at least he isn’t going to leave him. He believes that now. And that’s all Sam could hope for or expect.
~Fin~
Fic title: 800 Years To Get It Right
Author name: smalltrolven
Genre: Wincest, Fix!It!Fic, Established Relationship
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: barely PG
Word count: 3,800
Characters: Sam, Dean
Warnings: Barely any sexual content, set immediately following “Shut Up Dr. Phil” episode 7.05.
Summary: Sam doesn’t give up on getting Dean to talk about what’s bugging him. Dean doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would.
Disclaimer: I only own these words, that’s it, nothing else.
Authors Note: This is only going to be an interesting read until the next episode airs, but I hope something like this happens. Written because I know Sam is not going to give up on getting Dean to talk.
Read on AO3 right here.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sam slowly comes back to awareness, cracking one eye open just to see what position he’d managed to get himself crammed into this time. It wasn’t one of the bad ones, but he could tell he was sore, feeling like one big bruise from all the tossing around the Starks had pulled while they were arguing, oh and don’t forget getting choked by Leviathan guy. He slowly sits up and unfolds a little, looking over at Dean who turns and smiles his ¼ apology smile at him. “Hey” Sam says tentatively, not sure if they are back to talking yet or not.
“Hey, how’re you feeling?”
“Like one big bruise, you?”
“’’Bout the same.”
“Where are we?” Sam the navigator is instantly back on duty.
“Should be another two hours ‘til we’re at the meeting spot with Bobby.”
Sam turned around to eye the Leviathan guy chained up and apparently comatose lying on the back seat. “He hasn’t moved or anything right?”
“Yep, guess Don knew what he was doing.”
Sam remembers more clearly now why he’d fallen asleep. It hadn’t been because he was tired, it was because Dean wasn’t speaking to him after his attempt to get him to talk over the roof of the Impala as they’d been leaving the motel. But now he was. So in Dean-ese that means that he’s been thinking about what they were talking about, having a conversation with himself in his head while Sam slept. Sam knows that he can’t give up on trying to get Dean to open up and unload whatever’s bugging him so much, he senses that it’s too important, but he needs to dance around it and present the question a different way than he’s tried before.
“So those Starks were really something weren’t they? I was just dreaming about them.”
“Just a regular dream right, not the special kind?”
“No, just regular, I don’t get those special ones anymore, you know that.”
“Just checking. Who knows what’s changed with the whole soul-reintegrating thing. But yeah, the Starks were definitely something.”
“Hard to imagine being with someone for 800 years isn’t it?” Sam asks, as nonchalantly as possible.
“Hah! Yeah, you could say that. I’m surprised they hadn’t offed each other earlier.”
“They really loved each other a lot though don’t you think?”
“Guess so, who knows though, they were witches.”
“What would you do if we were together for 800 years?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Just humor me, what do you think it would be like if we were together for 800 more years Dean?”
Dean takes a while to answer as he scrambles in his mind to come up with something that will satisfy Sam and not reveal too much of what he really thinks. “As long as I didn’t have to be a witch to do it, I guess it would be pretty cool. Think of all the evil sons of bitches we could take out in 800 years.”
Sam smiles widely at this answer, Dean just admitted he wouldn’t mind being with him for 800 more years. “Yeah, that would be something, I know I wouldn’t mind it at all, being with you for that much longer. Wonder if you’d still be calling me Lance Armstrong in 800 years?”
Dean snorts “Probably something else by then, but who knows right? We’ll be able to read minds or something by then with a chip in our brain so we won’t even have to talk anymore.”
“I hope not. I don’t know if I’d want to be able to read your mind Dean. And I’d really miss it."
“Oh c’mon, you wouldn’t want to be able to read my mind, isn’t that why you’re always asking me questions? And what would you miss?”
“Dean, I’d miss talking to you, just like this, having a conversation, I just, really like it is all. And I wouldn’t want to be able to read your mind because it would take all the fun and challenge out of figuring you out.”
“Oh I’m hard to figure out huh?”
“Sometimes. But not always.”
“Well over the course of 800 years maybe that would be different, right?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, we’d have time to develop our own code language. Make conversing more fast and efficient.”
“You don’t think we have that already? Remember how mad Dad would get at us for talking without talking?”
“Oh, yeah, I guess there’s that isn’t there, but just think how much better we would be at it. Well, I wish I could read your mind sometimes. It sure would make things easier in a lot of ways.”
“How so?”
“Just, I’d know ahead of time what kind of stuff you’d want to talk about, so I could prepare.”
“You want to prepare before talking to me? Why?”
“To make sure I don’t, say it all wrong, oh I don’t know…”
Dean starts to shift around uncomfortably, in Dean-ese Sam knows that means he’s gotten too close to something Dean doesn’t want to talk about so he switches over to what he really wants answered anyways.
“Dean did you really think all that stuff we told the Starks was crap?”
“Some of it yeah, but no, now that I’ve thought about it for a while, we actually made some pretty good points. I think we did well. We got them talking so they didn’t do something drastic to each other or any other people. Don seemed to appreciate it anyways.”
“I think you’re right, he did appreciate it. Plus his wife didn’t kill him, right? Hey, I’m sorry I made you so mad, back at the motel before we left. I hate driving when you’re not speaking to me.” Sam tries to sound as apologetic as possible.
“Well, I’m speaking now aren’t I? And I wasn’t really mad Sam.” Dean sounds a little exasperated, not a lot, yet.
Sam makes the connection with what Dean was telling him before, “Just unprepared?”
“Yeah, I guess, like I was saying before, I like to be able to think out what I’m going to say to you, especially about this important stuff.”
“Important stuff?”
“You know our relationship” Dean says with the somewhat sarcastic air quotes, “all that stuffs really important to you, and I don’t want to mess that up by saying something the wrong way.”
“Dean that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in a really long time. Thanks.”
“Uh, you’re welcome I guess. Thanks for what?”
“For recognizing that this “relationship stuff” is important to me. Because you’re right, it really is. ‘sides if we’re going to be together for 800 years, it’d probably be a good idea to get a few things straightened out, make the time fly by, you know?”
“Well, you know it’s important to me too, right? This right here,” Dean gestures between them with one hand, “it’s all I’ve got. And yeah, 800 years would be a long time to not have things straight between us.”
Sam recovers quickly from that surprising openness from his brother, “It’s all I’ve got too, that makes two of us in this. “ (Which is one of the biggest things Sam wants Dean to get out of this conversation.) “What do you think we need to get straightened out? Thought you said we were good when we were talking back at the motel.”
“We are, we’re good. Just, I heard what you said to the Starks, “Whatever you have, you’re bonded” and I wondered if you think that’s how we are?” Dean asks with such open curiosity in his voice that Sam sits up a little straighter, realizing that this is the opening he was looking for.
“Huh, I don’t know if I’ve ever used that term before, but yeah, in a lot of ways, probably most of the ways that really count we are definitely bonded. Bonded to me means there’s an unconscious aspect to the relationship, it just is, it isn’t a choice to be made anymore. Why?”
“Just wondering. Do you think that’s why we’re like this?”
Sam laughs “Like what? Together? Yeah, that’s part of it, but it’s not the only thing, at least not for me it’s not.”
“What else is there?”
“Dean, I’m with you for a whole ton of reasons besides just our being bonded or that you’re my brother or that we’re soul mates. You really want to hear what they are? You know I’ll be happy to tell you.”
“Um, sure, just a couple though, save a few for the next 800 years to lay on me.”
Sam’s really surprised by that answer, Dean actually wants to keep talking, now what does he say? Thank god they’re in the car is all he can think to himself, because he’s just going to go for it, why the hell not? He turns in his seat so he’s facing Dean as fully as he can,
“Well, I’d say the main reason I’m with you is because of how much I love you. It’s just, when you love someone like I love you, your life doesn’t make sense if you’re apart from them.”
“Me too” Dean says quietly. Oh so it’s like this Sam thinks to himself, in Dean-ese this means that Dean wants to tell him mushy stuff, but can’t bring himself to say the words, but he’ll say me too to what Sam puts out there. Which is fine, because Sam knows Dean needs to hear all this from him, over and over again until he really gets it.
“And another reason is because of the sex. Never been that good with anyone else dude, ever, not even close.”
Dean preens a little, loving the sex-god acclaim he always feels is his due, “Same here Sammy.” Dean looks over quickly at him with one of those trademark grin/leers that makes Sam glad he’s already sitting down. Sam reaches over and squeezes Dean’s upper thigh, tracing his fingertips on his brother’s inseam just for a moment, just until Dean shivers.
“How about one more? Can you take it?” Sam figures it’s worth a shot to get as much of this out there for Dean to hear as he can get away with.
“Sure, why not? I’m a big boy, hit me.”
“Another reason is that I love how you take care of me and that I get to take care of you.”
“Huh, hadn’t thought of it that way. But yeah, I say me too to that one.”
“That enough reasons for you, or do you want to hear more?”
“I’ve got nothing better to do, I’m just sitting here driving, go on if you want to.”
“Huh, well, how about, you’re an awesome partner. We just suit each other really well, and I wouldn’t want to do this job with anyone but you.”
“You’re right, we are a helluva team. Sometimes I wish…” Dean trails off, looking a little wistful.
“Wish what Dean?”
“I wish Dad could see us hunting together like this. I just think he’d be pleased that all the stuff he taught us finally worked.”
“Yeah, I know I wish that too sometimes.”
“Uh, I’ve got a reason, if you want to hear it.” Dean adds, a little more quietly.
Sam tries and fails not to show his excitement at his brother’s sudden participation “Uh sure, of course I do.”
“One of the reasons I’m with you is because I trust you Sam, I trust you with my life, every day.”
“Me too Dean. I’m glad that’s one we can agree on finally.”
“Yeah, I know, it was tough there for a while, but hey when you’re going to be together for 800 years, there’s gonna be a few rough patches right?”
“No doubt brother of mine, no doubt.”
Dean clears his throat and takes a big breath, “Hey Sam?’
“Yeah, Dean, what?”
“I’m glad we’re still together after all this time. Biggest joy of my life is you being with me like this. Guess maybe you’re right about the talking thing.” Dean says it so matter-of-factly and plainly, like it's no big deal.
Hearing this hits Sam so hard, so viscerally, that he can barely breathe for a second, he’s just able to grit out, “Dean pull over, up there, can you pull over.”
“What, are you okay?” Dean’s confused and a little alarmed at Sam’s use of the Dad/command voice which he can’t help but obey instantly.
Sam takes off his seatbelt and Dean’s as the car rolls to a stop and pulls Dean over onto his lap in an embrace that some would call a bear hug. “Yeah I’m okay. More than okay. Just needed to do this.” Sam’s lips find his brother’s right away enclosing them in soft wet heat, licking into his mouth he tries to put all the joy he feels at hearing his brother’s words into this kiss. “Love you so much Dean.” He whispers as he kisses over to Dean’s ear, biting and sucking his way down his brother’s sensitive neck. “Love you too Sammy.” Dean starts to get with the program, feeling his way up under his brother’s many shirt layers until he feel the skin of his strong warm back. He rubs back and forth just like always, over the biggest scar there right in the middle. They kiss and touch each other earnestly with increasing heat and abandon for a while before they both realize that this really can’t go anywhere since there’s a freaking Leviathan dude in the back seat.
Dean pulls back a little getting off of Sam’s lap, but still held in his arms, jerking his head towards the back seat. “Guess we better cool it ‘til we deal with Mr.Oozy back there.”
Sam’s reluctant to stop, but he has to agree, “I know, but I just had to”
“Was that my reward for doing the talking thing?”
“Mmmh,uh huh, yeah it was.” Sam mumbles as he leans over and continues kissing and biting up and down Dean’s neck.
“Well, then I’m definitely doing that more often from here on out.” Dean tips his head back enjoying the attention from his brother, even if he’s going to have to drive the rest of the way uncomfortably hard.
“Good, you do that. I’ll definitely reward you, however you want.” Sam’s reveling in this closeness this short conversation has produced between them. This is how he wants it to be with Dean, not all the time of course, but this easy back and forth affection is what he wants, it’s something that’s helping him deal with the hallucinations and memories of the Cage. He starts to say something about that, but then he feels Dean tighten up in his embrace though, and pulls back to look at him, to make sure everything is alright.
“Sam, I don’t know if it’s the right time or not. But I gotta tell you something that I really don’t want to.” Which in Dean-ese means he’s worried that whatever he’s about to say will be so bad that Sam will leave him again. Sam despairs of ever getting Dean to believe him that he’s not going anywhere without him, ever again. Maybe whatever this is he’s about to say, is what’s been bugging him so much, Sam hopes so because he doesn’t think he can take much more of the drinking Dean’s been doing.
“Dean, you know you can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what, okay?” Sam squeezes his shoulders gently, hoping it comes off as encouraging and pre-empts the worry of being abandoned that he knows his brother always holds.
“I went back and killed Amy Pond and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Dean says all in one breath obviously wanting it to be over quickly.
“You what?!” Sam drops his hands away from Dean’s shoulders and pulls away in surprise, staring at Dean in shocked disappointment.
“I had to Sam.” Dean looks over at him, pleading with his eyes and body for Sam to understand.
“But you said you trusted me, when we talked about it back in Spokane.”
“Yeah, and I did, I do. Sam I do trust you. I just didn’t trust her.” Dean grabs for Sam’s hands trapping them between his, trying to connect physically so that Sam will listen and not pull away.
“Dean I was vouching for her, I thought you got that when you said you trusted me.” Sam tries to twist away from his brother, but Dean just pulls him closer, holds him firmly in place.
“I did, I really did, I swear I did. I trusted you that you believed that about your friend. But I just couldn’t trust she wouldn’t ever kill again. No matter what she promised you or did for you when you were kids. What if her kid had gotten ill again? She would have done the same thing and you know that.”
“What happened to her kid, you kill him too?” Sam spits out, with so much venom Dean is taken aback and answers slowly, “No, of course not. I let him go.”
Sam is silent for a long while, not able to even look at Dean. Dean shifts uncomfortably, takes a deep breath and squeezes Sam’s hands in his grip.
“Sam, can you forgive me?” he asks quietly, not begging, just asking, hoping the answer won’t hurt too much.
Sam doesn’t answer, can’t answer, he’s so angry he can barely think straight. There isn’t anything he can do about this now that she’s dead. He gets that Dean is mostly right, that his reasons for doing it were logical, but he feels really betrayed here, really hurt. He knows he’s got to be careful here, that if he overreacts then it will confirm for Dean that he should have kept it to himself even longer.
Sam sighs, giving up on holding onto the anger for now, what’s the point, he’ll work it out later, “I don’t know Dean, I’ll work on it, I’ll try.”
“’’kay, I’m really sorry Sam. For not telling you. I really am.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Sam answers, blowing off the excess apology with a scoffing tone.
“Shit, don’t do that.” Dean says, sounding really hurt.
“Do what?” Sam asks, genuinely curious.
“Whatever me like that. Just don’t. Look, you wanted me to unload my baggage, well there it is. At least the most recent addition. See, this is why all this talking stuff doesn’t work for me.”
Sam gets his hands out of Dean’s grip and grasps his wrists, circling his thumb over each pulse slowly, “Dean this happened weeks ago, what’s it been doing to you all this time, not telling me? That work for you?”
Dean stops fidgeting and freezes, Sam can practically see his mind whirring going over all that’s happened since Spokane, he hopes whatever he says is the truth. “No. It really hasn’t. Thought Osiris was going to bring her out as the third witness, that’s why I said yes that I was guilty.”
“Wait a minute, you mean you were willing to have Osiris kill you instead of telling me this? Really? Do you see why that’s a little messed up Dean?” Sam didn’t think he could get any angrier, but somehow he is, his whole body tightened up and rigid.
“Yeah, I do. Course I do. I just couldn’t disappoint you like that Sam. Like how you are right now. Look, I didn’t think you could take the argument at the time when I took care of her. You were still, you know seeing Lucifer a lot and doing the hand thing all the time. I wanted to keep the load of it off of you as long as I could.”
“But Dean, you chose dying, leaving me instead of telling me the truth. I thought you said just a second ago that you trusted me, with your life. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.” Sam stops himself from saying more, from ranting and raving at him like he wants to. He knows this is the important part here, he knows what his brother is going to say before he even hears it.
“I didn’t want you to leave me again. There I said it, happy?” Dean sounds so defeated, like he knows the worst is still to come.
“So what, you thought you’d leave me first by dying? Nice, that’s just real nice.”
Dean shakes his head and doesn’t meet Sam’s eyes.
“Hey, you know what? If you don’t get it by now, that I wouldn’t leave you over something like this, then maybe we shouldn’t be together. I don’t know how else to prove it to you man. Either you believe me that I’m with you for good or you don’t. You pick.” Sam says with a heavy finality, laying it all out there. He hates to do this to Dean, but sometimes he has to put things harshly like this to get him to come around.
“Sam. C’mon. That’s not what it meant, you know that.” Dean looks over at him to see if that’s enough, Sam just raises one skeptical eyebrow. “Okay fine. I’ll pick. I believe that you’re with me for good.”
“Okay then, good pick there.”
“So do you forgive me or what?”
“I said I’ll work on it.”
“’kay, thanks.”
“Dean, can we please not have to do this again?”
“Do what again?”
“Just, if you trust me like you say you do, you gotta trust me with your words too. When I say you can tell me anything and I’ll never leave you, I need you to really believe that. Otherwise this is just going to happen again and maybe you’ll end up dead (again). And then I’ll figure out some way to bring you back so I can kick your ass.”
“Yeah, ok Sammy. I’ll work on it.”
“Good. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“We good then?”
“Better than good. 800 years good.”
Dean pulls out back onto the highway smiling and feeling lighter than he has in weeks. Maybe Sam won’t forgive him for killing Amy for a while, or ever, but at least he isn’t going to leave him. He believes that now. And that’s all Sam could hope for or expect.
~Fin~