Fic: Heaven or Something (Sam/Dean, R) Part 2 of 2
Back to Part 1
****
Sam jumped in surprise, slipping and flailing in the tub. Dean steadied himself against the cold tile wall and caught him, gathering him into his arms. “I’ve got you,” he murmured into Sam’s chest. He licked at the water a little, admiring how the tattoo that they shared looked on the impressive expanse of Sam’s chest. “God, I love how built you are, Sammy.”
Sam’s hands scrabbled against his back, like he was still in danger of slipping and Dean held onto him tighter. He looked up and saw the surprise and something else. Was it fear in Sam’s eyes?
“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.
“We don’t…uh, we don’t usually do this, Dean,” Sam said, his face sad now, like he knew it was disappointing Dean to hear this news, but maybe he was sad about it too.
“Well, I really think we should, from here on out,” Dean said, kissing his way up to the base of Sam’s neck. He enjoyed feeling Sam harden against him.
“It’s not fair, not when you don’t have your memories, I can’t, I shouldn’t. You’d never forgive me,” Sam said.
“You heard the thing, back in that awful house before you chopped its head off like the complete badass that you are. You heard what it said, this is what I wished for. The only reason for you not to go there and do this, is the issue of what it is that you want. If you don’t want me like I want you-then I’ll get out of this shower right now and we’ll never talk about it again.”
“Stop…I do, of course I do, Dean, I mean obviously. But it’s…” Sam trailed off, his hands finally resting on Dean’s lower back instead of frantically scrabbling.
Dean moved his hips just so, lining them up and thrust a few times against the planes of Sam’s ripped abs. It felt so good, Dean couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips.
Sam loomed over him then, blocking out all light as he came down over Dean, his lips finally reaching Dean’s, feeling so hot against all the water. Dean felt like he was being consumed, his last slightly coherent thought was that this was what they meant by becoming one.
Of course there was a lot of movement, careful and slow tugs and thrusts and Sam’s fingers inside of him, deep where it counted. Finally Sam was shutting off the water and drying him off with a towel. He hesitated once he had Dean laying on the bed, hovering above him, like he was reconsidering.
“If you want me to sign something giving you permission, I totally will. Otherwise, dude, you have like ten seconds to get inside of me,” Dean said, curling his feet around the back of Sam’s legs to pull him closer.
Sam’s smile was slow and timed to his movements as he lowered himself sliding their naked still-damp bodies together in a thrilling tacky glide. He was just the right amount of hairy in just the right places. Dean crunched himself up to jam his nose into the edge of Sam’s armpit, inhaling deeply and licking at the hair.
Sam giggled which surprised them both.
“If you’re too ticklish, I’ll stop,” Dean said, lips moving against Sam’s warm skin.
“No, you’re good, just surprised me,” Sam said.
“Never have anyone into your armpits, huh? That’s a damn shame, because with your arms and your chest and you like this, it’s goddamn irresistible,” Dean said, diving back in for another lungful of the perfect scent. He couldn’t wait to do this when Sam wasn’t just out of the shower. Maybe after a long sweaty hunt. Mmmmm, that’d be good.
Sam moaned at the feeling, especially once Dean’s hand found his nipple, tugged on it in the same rhythm as his lips on his skin. He could feel Sam getting even harder and bigger. He was already so damn big, he couldn’t wait to feel him inside. “Need you in me now, please, Sammy, c’mon.”
Sam shook all that beautiful hair, spraying Dean with droplets that shocked and refreshed him, bringing him out of the heat-soaked daze he’d found himself falling in. There was something about not having a brain full of memories that made this being in the moment thing a whole lot easier to achieve. The smile on Sam’s face though, those dimples blazing out like the best prize Dean could ever hope to win. Making Sam smile that much was his life long quest, he knew that was the truth of his life.
“Love it when you smile like that, Sammy,” Dean said, caressing each dimple with his thumbs, he pulled and tugged until Sam curved over him, bringing their lips together. Joining them as one as he had in the shower, taking over all his senses, what was left of his mind, and then Sam entered him. All in a long pulsing glide, it was painful, the best kind of painful, Dean tried to breathe through it, to not panic, he had never hoped for anything as glorious as this. Not that he could remember anyway.
From that moment on, Sam took over, setting the pace, pushing and pulling Dean into a position where he was practically in Sam’s lap, sprawled wide, one leg over Sam’s shoulder, split wide open, and taking every last inch of him, deep inside where it counted, where he needed it most. He lost the train of any thought then, it all went to not gray this time but white instead, a beautiful pulsing white that sparkled through him from head to toe, rushing out of him as he came.
The next time he woke up, he knew everything, without even opening his eyes to confirm. He knew why he was in a Texas motel room, he knew who he was, and most importantly who the man was in the bed next to him. The man wrapped around him, holding him close, just like he had always wanted and never let himself hope for. His not so very little after all brother. He didn’t want to move from this bed just in case it broke the spell. Dean didn’t want to have to explain himself or make excuses, he just wanted to soak up the last moments of this bliss he’d never expected.
Dean was embarrassed to make a sort of purring sound as he snuggled closer into Sam’s embrace. He felt more than heard Sam’s rumbling chuckle as it echoed through his massive chest. The one that Dean’s cheek was plastered against. He slowly edged closer to Sam’s armpit, taking one last inhale of that scent. It was even more intoxicating after a night of the most amazing sex he’d ever experienced. It had been a long time coming, haha.
“You’re finally awake, and you remember,” Sam said, the rumble of the words setting off an earthquake of feelings rumbling through Dean, surprise, worry, love and lust all at once.
“I’ll get off of you, give me a sec,” Dean grumbled, pushing himself up to sit and turning away quickly. He didn’t want to see the look on Sam’s face. How could he know his memory was back?
Sam’s hand was on the curve of his lower back, a touch so gentle that it made Dean shiver. Apology, or forgiveness, which was it going to be? He didn’t want either of those things.
“I didn’t mean that you have to get up, Dean. I was enjoying laying here and waiting for you to wake up.”
Dean sighed and looked at the ceiling, so it was going to be forgiveness then? He stood up and walked to the bathroom, a little more bow-legged than usual, grimacing at the pull of mostly unused muscles.
Sam was in his space in a flash, before he’d even heard him moving, supporting him with an arm around his waist, one hand hovering over his chest.
Dean batted at Sam’s hands and stepped away, shutting the door in-between them.
“I’m going to go get us some breakfast,” Sam said through the door. Dean didn’t respond except for a non-committal grunt. As he heard the door to the room open and close, he wondered if he should take off, make it easier for both of them. But he needed a shower, he couldn’t drive smelling like this. And it wouldn’t be fair to leave Sam stranded in Texas without a car. It would be a tough day stuck together in the car, but he could do it, drop Sam off at the bunker, pick up some of his stuff and then go. That’d be best for everyone.
All of that went through his head as he showered. Trying not to remember last night in this very spot where he’d practically jumped his own brother. Where he’d insisted on ignoring Sam’s hesitations and pushed for his own selfish desires to be fulfilled. Sure, Sam hadn’t really seem too worried while he was plowing my ass, or while I was doing the same to him, but he was caught up in the moment or whatever. Several times, ahem.
Dean shut the shower off and used the last towel, a small hand towel, because they’d left the bath towels in a damp heap at the edge of the bed last night. You remember, Dean, right before he’d laid you down and taken you to the heights and back again.
Dean leaned his cheek against the mirror and breathed out a cloud to steam up his own image from the nose up, he couldn’t look at himself in the eye. He shaved while concentrating on just the skin of his chin and cheeks. He heard the door open and close and wished he’d brought some clothes in with him, now he’d have to parade himself naked in front of his brother, like it or not. He opened the door and without looking at Sam, marched to his duffel, yanking on his clothes roughly, not paying attention to whether what he’d grabbed was clean or matched or whatever. Who cared at that point.
Sam sat at the rickety motel table, not eating his breakfast or drinking his coffee. Just staring off into the middle distance, where his rapey big brother wasn’t such an issue, Dean concluded.
“Thanks for getting this,” Dean mumbled taking a coffee and wrapped breakfast sandwich over to the bed that hadn’t been defiled. He wished the tv remote was closer, just to have some noise in the room besides the sighing that Sam was doing over there.
“Yeah, no problem,” Sam said, finally unwrapping his sandwich and taking a bite.
Dean tried his hardest not to watch his brother for signs of the impending explosion. But he couldn’t help himself, he knew Sam, how bad this was going to be, he was just trying to be prepared. That’s when he saw the glint of tears on his brother’s cheeks. Sam was eating his eggs and muffin mechanically, chewing and swallowing, then draining the rest of his coffee like he wasn’t even tasting it. The last straw was seeing Sam wiping the tears away with his napkin. Dean wanted more than anything to make the hurting stop, make Sam stop, make him go back to last night. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t do that to him. It wasn’t right then, and it wouldn’t be any more right now.
“I’m gonna shower real quick, and then we can go,” Sam said, standing up in a rush, grabbing his duffel and retreating to the bathroom.
The door snicked shut with the addition of the lock thudding into place. Might as well have been an arrow right to Dean’s heart. How had he screwed them up so completely all in the space of a few fucking hours? Hours of fucking would do that, he answered himself. Dean scooped up all of his belongings, stuffing them into his duffel and considered bailing again. Sam could rent a car or whatever, that’d be fine.
“If you fucking ditch me while I’m in the shower, I’ll never forgive you,” Sam said in a threatening growl through the still closed and locked door.
Dean set his duffle down on the bed and sunk into it, he finished his coffee and tried not to think about anything except for how Sam could do that, was he a mind-reader now in addition to the whole witchy thing?
He heard the shower shut off and the frustrated groan as Sam noticed the absence of towels. He scooped up the almost dry towels from last night and knocked on the bathroom door. “You want these? They’re almost dry.” The door opened up just enough for Sam’s hand to shoot out and grab them from Dean.
Dean paced the room instead of sitting back down. It was going to be a hell of a long day in the car. Or maybe he should just stay here and let Sam take her. He was the one at fault here, so he probably should at least make the offer. He changed his mind once he saw the state Sam was in.
Sam came out fully dressed, with his emotional armor back in place, his mouth a thin line that matched the crease in his forehead. They got in the car and were out on the highway without a word spoken, it continued that way for several excruciating hours. Baby’s tank was getting low so Dean pulled off to refuel. Sam slammed out of the car and stalked into the mini-mart, leaving Dean to handle the pumps. He came back with a paper bag, and a more relaxed look. Maybe he’d just had to pee and hadn’t wanted to talk to Dean and ask him to stop. There were unspoken rules that they followed for the silent treatment after all these years riding together.
Dean got back into the driver’s seat after he’d made his own pitstop. Sam reached in the paper bag on the seat between them, rustled around and brought out a bag of peanut M&M’s, he handed them over to Dean along with a hint of a smile. Dean tried his best to smile back. He ripped open the bag and popped a few of the bright candies in his mouth. The sweetness, the salt of the peanuts was his favorite combination. And Sam knew it, so this was a sorry this time. And that meant Sam was thinking about this whole thing all bass-ackward.
Before he started the car, Dean turned in his seat, looked at Sam straight in the eye for a long moment. He took a deep breath and couldn’t think of what the hell to say. His mind went blank, well not as blank as it had been yesterday, but what the hell could he say here? It wasn’t like he could rattle off: I’m sorry if I made you do something last night that you didn’t really want to. I’m sorry I’m that needy little bitch we both know I am. I’m sorry I want you like that, all the time, always have. I’m sorry that I love you the way that I do. None of that could be said out loud and Dean knew it. Sam wouldn’t believe a bit of it anyway, or at the very least he shouldn’t.
“I’m not sure what I can say here,” Dean finally said. Damn that was lamer then lame.
“Say what about what?” Sam asked with one eyebrow raised.
“Why we’re not talking to each other,” Dean said.
“Oh, I thought you weren’t talking to me,” Sam said. “You couldn’t even look at me earlier at the motel.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. By the way you’re wrong. About all of it,” Dean said.
“Tell me what I’m wrong about, besides everything,” Sam said.
“Are you clear on what that genie thing made me believe? Let’s start there,” Dean said.
“Why don’t you tell me?” Sam asked.
Dean took another deep breath, looking up to the right furthest corner of the Impala interior to figure out how to phrase it. “The genie thing read my mind, and pulled out the thing I’ve wanted the most for the longest time.”
“Right, and what was that?” Sam asked, a small smile beginning to show on one side of his face.
“You and me, together,” Dean said, hoping that’d be enough of an explanation.
“We’re already together, so you mean together together, right?” Sam asked, his face so open and hopeful.
Dean nodded, he couldn’t speak, he wanted this so much, wanted Sam to understand how much he needed it. But he couldn’t ask.
“And you thought that would be a surprise or a problem for me?” Sam asked.
“Uh, yeah, Sam, I was pretty fucking sure it would be for both things,” Dean said.
“For such a smart guy, you’re an idiot a lot of the time,” Sam said.
“So what, just like that, you’re on board, you and me, together together?”
“I…I am yeah, it’s been a long time coming. I was just waiting for you to make a move,” Sam said.
“And I did last night, and you tried to stop me,” Dean said.
“I tried to stop you, because I didn’t want to take the choice away from you, the real you with all your memories. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to more than anything,” Sam said.
“But I pushed and you gave in and let me,” Dean said.
“Let you? Dean, no that’s not…can you ever forgive me? I didn’t even tell you we were brothers when you had no memory of us, how can you forgive that?” Sam asked, looking down at his hands twined together in his lap.
Dean reached out and laid a hand over Sam’s, stilling the movement, he squeezed gently until Sam looked up at him. “There’s nothing to forgive, Sammy, really. Like the genie thing said, it was my deepest desire, the thing I’ve worked the hardest to hide from you.”
Sam smiled and didn’t say anything.
“But you already knew, didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t mention the brother thing?” Dean asked.
“I did, yeah, I’ve known for a while,” Sam said.
“Why didn’t you ever, you know, push me?” Dean asked.
“I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted you to ask for what you wanted, because you always give in when I ask, and then I’d never know if you were just doing your self-sacrificing thing or doing what you wanted for yourself for once.”
Dean sighed and shook his head. “We could have, god, we wasted all this time. You holding out some test I didn’t know about and me assuming you’d never want a dead-end drop-out like me.”
“What?”
“You’re a lot better actor than you give yourself credit for, Sammy.”
“And you’re even more self-loathing than I thought you were, Dean.”
“Self-loathing, ahhh fuck you,” Dean said.
“It’s true, you’re the best man I’ve ever known, Dean. Anyone would be lucky to get any part of your time or attention, and I never thought I deserved all of it, not like that.”
“Well, you do, bitch,” Dean said.
“Well, if I do, then you do too, jerk,” Sam said.
“That’s settled, should we head home?” Dean asked.
“What was your plan, drop me off and leave, right?” Sam asked.
Dean frowned, briefly thought about lying and then nodded.
Sam sighed. “You’d really just leave me like that?”
“No, never, not now that I know,” Dean said.
“Promise?” Sam asked.
“If you promise, yeah,” Dean said.
Sam leaned over the paper bag between them and pressed his lips to Dean’s, sealing the agreement, making the start to this new thing a reality. Dean closed his eyes and kissed Sam back, vigorous and demanding in his acquiescence. His heart was screaming yes, and he didn’t know if he’d be able to drive.
“You okay to drive?” Sam asked, once he pulled back from that amazing kiss.
Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes, saw the laughter he was holding back and grimaced. How was Sam doing that, was it mind reading or what? “You reading minds now?”
Sam rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Let’s just say it wouldn’t take a genius to figure that one out. There’s a motel right across the street.” Sam pointed at the vintage motel sign that was lit up in gaudy neon, Trail’s Rest. “Maybe it’ll be one of those cowboy ones you dig so much.”
“What are you…I…do not,” Dean sputtered.
Sam interrupted, “Dude, don’t even try to deny it.”
Dean started up the car with a harrumph to himself, something mumbled about little brothers and their know-it-all ways. This was a good sign, that things maybe wouldn’t change between them all that much. He whipped a u-turn and pulled into the motel parking lot quickly enough that Sam had to brace himself against the dashboard. Hah, that shut him up.
“I’ll get us a room,” Dean said, jumping out of the car and pocketing the car keys. He didn’t look back to see whether Sam approved or not. He wasn’t ready though, when the clerk asked the standard question, “King or two queens?” Two paths here, one assuming they were one thing versus giving Sam one more chance to change his mind.
He knew he’d chosen the right path when Sam wrapped his arm around his waist from behind as they entered the room and tossed him into the center of the king bed.
Sam stood above him, strange look of desire and something else on his face. “You…didn’t-“ He stopped, like the words were stuck in his throat.
“Is that surprise on your face, little brother?” Dean asked, grinning one-sided and slow, warming up as Sam’s eyes darkened. “It just didn’t seem like you were up for more second guessing. I can go get us two queens, if you’d rather.”
Sam’s clothes were off before he finished the sentence, and his brother was swarming over him, pinning him to the bed. “You’re not going anywhere, big brother.”
Dean relaxed into Sam’s hold, giving up any pretense of resistance. “I don’t want to go anywhere, this is right where I want to be.”
Sam kissed him, deep and searching, the whole time he writhed on top of Dean, rubbing himself against his jeans, Dean could feel how hard he was. He snuck a hand between them and stroked him several times. Sam stopped kissing him and paused all his movement. There wasn’t much more to say then, they were in this together now. And that’s just how it was. Sam was making frustrated noises and tugging at Dean’s clothes.
“You have too many clothes on, god, c’mon, get this off,” Sam said, tugging Dean’s shirt over his head, trapping his wrists and holding them.
“Well, I need the use of my hands to do anything about the rest of it,” Dean said.
Sam gripped his wrists in one giant palm and Dean got the message. He lifted his hips oh so helpfully when Sam had his jeans undone. Finally they were skin to skin, both knowing it all, who they were, the choice they were making, the love, the need, all of it a big push of energy bringing them together into one. This was how they were supposed to be, the thought flitted through Dean’s head as Sam pounded into him, churning and thrusting, hitting him where he sparked with that deep sharp pleasure.
It was almost too good, almost too much, and then it wan’t even close, he could never slake his thirst for this, for having Sam like this, pliant and yet in control, his and always his and on and on. That was all he thought for a while, going into the blissful state of un-thinking, becoming a creature made only of pleasure that his Sam was giving him. He knew it was the same for Sam, just by how his brother was talking, in a constant low urgent growling whisper, all the possessive and sweet and sexy words Dean had always imagined hearing, all pouring out of his brother, filling him up inside where the small amount of doubt still resided. There was no room left for that, Sam was taking up all the space inside of him now, no more rambling around an empty room alone, Sam was there in the center of him where he was meant to be.
“Yeah, Dean, yeah, meant-to-be,” Sam said, thrusting harder and deeper on each word.
Dean lost it then, either Sam was reading his mind or he was spewing his thoughts out loud because of how damn good this felt. “Never thought we would, that you would,” Dean said, leaving out half of what he was saying because his brain was so not cooperating at the moment.
“Me either, but this is it from here on out, you and me,” Sam said.
****
The End
****
Sam jumped in surprise, slipping and flailing in the tub. Dean steadied himself against the cold tile wall and caught him, gathering him into his arms. “I’ve got you,” he murmured into Sam’s chest. He licked at the water a little, admiring how the tattoo that they shared looked on the impressive expanse of Sam’s chest. “God, I love how built you are, Sammy.”
Sam’s hands scrabbled against his back, like he was still in danger of slipping and Dean held onto him tighter. He looked up and saw the surprise and something else. Was it fear in Sam’s eyes?
“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.
“We don’t…uh, we don’t usually do this, Dean,” Sam said, his face sad now, like he knew it was disappointing Dean to hear this news, but maybe he was sad about it too.
“Well, I really think we should, from here on out,” Dean said, kissing his way up to the base of Sam’s neck. He enjoyed feeling Sam harden against him.
“It’s not fair, not when you don’t have your memories, I can’t, I shouldn’t. You’d never forgive me,” Sam said.
“You heard the thing, back in that awful house before you chopped its head off like the complete badass that you are. You heard what it said, this is what I wished for. The only reason for you not to go there and do this, is the issue of what it is that you want. If you don’t want me like I want you-then I’ll get out of this shower right now and we’ll never talk about it again.”
“Stop…I do, of course I do, Dean, I mean obviously. But it’s…” Sam trailed off, his hands finally resting on Dean’s lower back instead of frantically scrabbling.
Dean moved his hips just so, lining them up and thrust a few times against the planes of Sam’s ripped abs. It felt so good, Dean couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips.
Sam loomed over him then, blocking out all light as he came down over Dean, his lips finally reaching Dean’s, feeling so hot against all the water. Dean felt like he was being consumed, his last slightly coherent thought was that this was what they meant by becoming one.
Of course there was a lot of movement, careful and slow tugs and thrusts and Sam’s fingers inside of him, deep where it counted. Finally Sam was shutting off the water and drying him off with a towel. He hesitated once he had Dean laying on the bed, hovering above him, like he was reconsidering.
“If you want me to sign something giving you permission, I totally will. Otherwise, dude, you have like ten seconds to get inside of me,” Dean said, curling his feet around the back of Sam’s legs to pull him closer.
Sam’s smile was slow and timed to his movements as he lowered himself sliding their naked still-damp bodies together in a thrilling tacky glide. He was just the right amount of hairy in just the right places. Dean crunched himself up to jam his nose into the edge of Sam’s armpit, inhaling deeply and licking at the hair.
Sam giggled which surprised them both.
“If you’re too ticklish, I’ll stop,” Dean said, lips moving against Sam’s warm skin.
“No, you’re good, just surprised me,” Sam said.
“Never have anyone into your armpits, huh? That’s a damn shame, because with your arms and your chest and you like this, it’s goddamn irresistible,” Dean said, diving back in for another lungful of the perfect scent. He couldn’t wait to do this when Sam wasn’t just out of the shower. Maybe after a long sweaty hunt. Mmmmm, that’d be good.
Sam moaned at the feeling, especially once Dean’s hand found his nipple, tugged on it in the same rhythm as his lips on his skin. He could feel Sam getting even harder and bigger. He was already so damn big, he couldn’t wait to feel him inside. “Need you in me now, please, Sammy, c’mon.”
Sam shook all that beautiful hair, spraying Dean with droplets that shocked and refreshed him, bringing him out of the heat-soaked daze he’d found himself falling in. There was something about not having a brain full of memories that made this being in the moment thing a whole lot easier to achieve. The smile on Sam’s face though, those dimples blazing out like the best prize Dean could ever hope to win. Making Sam smile that much was his life long quest, he knew that was the truth of his life.
“Love it when you smile like that, Sammy,” Dean said, caressing each dimple with his thumbs, he pulled and tugged until Sam curved over him, bringing their lips together. Joining them as one as he had in the shower, taking over all his senses, what was left of his mind, and then Sam entered him. All in a long pulsing glide, it was painful, the best kind of painful, Dean tried to breathe through it, to not panic, he had never hoped for anything as glorious as this. Not that he could remember anyway.
From that moment on, Sam took over, setting the pace, pushing and pulling Dean into a position where he was practically in Sam’s lap, sprawled wide, one leg over Sam’s shoulder, split wide open, and taking every last inch of him, deep inside where it counted, where he needed it most. He lost the train of any thought then, it all went to not gray this time but white instead, a beautiful pulsing white that sparkled through him from head to toe, rushing out of him as he came.
The next time he woke up, he knew everything, without even opening his eyes to confirm. He knew why he was in a Texas motel room, he knew who he was, and most importantly who the man was in the bed next to him. The man wrapped around him, holding him close, just like he had always wanted and never let himself hope for. His not so very little after all brother. He didn’t want to move from this bed just in case it broke the spell. Dean didn’t want to have to explain himself or make excuses, he just wanted to soak up the last moments of this bliss he’d never expected.
Dean was embarrassed to make a sort of purring sound as he snuggled closer into Sam’s embrace. He felt more than heard Sam’s rumbling chuckle as it echoed through his massive chest. The one that Dean’s cheek was plastered against. He slowly edged closer to Sam’s armpit, taking one last inhale of that scent. It was even more intoxicating after a night of the most amazing sex he’d ever experienced. It had been a long time coming, haha.
“You’re finally awake, and you remember,” Sam said, the rumble of the words setting off an earthquake of feelings rumbling through Dean, surprise, worry, love and lust all at once.
“I’ll get off of you, give me a sec,” Dean grumbled, pushing himself up to sit and turning away quickly. He didn’t want to see the look on Sam’s face. How could he know his memory was back?
Sam’s hand was on the curve of his lower back, a touch so gentle that it made Dean shiver. Apology, or forgiveness, which was it going to be? He didn’t want either of those things.
“I didn’t mean that you have to get up, Dean. I was enjoying laying here and waiting for you to wake up.”
Dean sighed and looked at the ceiling, so it was going to be forgiveness then? He stood up and walked to the bathroom, a little more bow-legged than usual, grimacing at the pull of mostly unused muscles.
Sam was in his space in a flash, before he’d even heard him moving, supporting him with an arm around his waist, one hand hovering over his chest.
Dean batted at Sam’s hands and stepped away, shutting the door in-between them.
“I’m going to go get us some breakfast,” Sam said through the door. Dean didn’t respond except for a non-committal grunt. As he heard the door to the room open and close, he wondered if he should take off, make it easier for both of them. But he needed a shower, he couldn’t drive smelling like this. And it wouldn’t be fair to leave Sam stranded in Texas without a car. It would be a tough day stuck together in the car, but he could do it, drop Sam off at the bunker, pick up some of his stuff and then go. That’d be best for everyone.
All of that went through his head as he showered. Trying not to remember last night in this very spot where he’d practically jumped his own brother. Where he’d insisted on ignoring Sam’s hesitations and pushed for his own selfish desires to be fulfilled. Sure, Sam hadn’t really seem too worried while he was plowing my ass, or while I was doing the same to him, but he was caught up in the moment or whatever. Several times, ahem.
Dean shut the shower off and used the last towel, a small hand towel, because they’d left the bath towels in a damp heap at the edge of the bed last night. You remember, Dean, right before he’d laid you down and taken you to the heights and back again.
Dean leaned his cheek against the mirror and breathed out a cloud to steam up his own image from the nose up, he couldn’t look at himself in the eye. He shaved while concentrating on just the skin of his chin and cheeks. He heard the door open and close and wished he’d brought some clothes in with him, now he’d have to parade himself naked in front of his brother, like it or not. He opened the door and without looking at Sam, marched to his duffel, yanking on his clothes roughly, not paying attention to whether what he’d grabbed was clean or matched or whatever. Who cared at that point.
Sam sat at the rickety motel table, not eating his breakfast or drinking his coffee. Just staring off into the middle distance, where his rapey big brother wasn’t such an issue, Dean concluded.
“Thanks for getting this,” Dean mumbled taking a coffee and wrapped breakfast sandwich over to the bed that hadn’t been defiled. He wished the tv remote was closer, just to have some noise in the room besides the sighing that Sam was doing over there.
“Yeah, no problem,” Sam said, finally unwrapping his sandwich and taking a bite.
Dean tried his hardest not to watch his brother for signs of the impending explosion. But he couldn’t help himself, he knew Sam, how bad this was going to be, he was just trying to be prepared. That’s when he saw the glint of tears on his brother’s cheeks. Sam was eating his eggs and muffin mechanically, chewing and swallowing, then draining the rest of his coffee like he wasn’t even tasting it. The last straw was seeing Sam wiping the tears away with his napkin. Dean wanted more than anything to make the hurting stop, make Sam stop, make him go back to last night. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t do that to him. It wasn’t right then, and it wouldn’t be any more right now.
“I’m gonna shower real quick, and then we can go,” Sam said, standing up in a rush, grabbing his duffel and retreating to the bathroom.
The door snicked shut with the addition of the lock thudding into place. Might as well have been an arrow right to Dean’s heart. How had he screwed them up so completely all in the space of a few fucking hours? Hours of fucking would do that, he answered himself. Dean scooped up all of his belongings, stuffing them into his duffel and considered bailing again. Sam could rent a car or whatever, that’d be fine.
“If you fucking ditch me while I’m in the shower, I’ll never forgive you,” Sam said in a threatening growl through the still closed and locked door.
Dean set his duffle down on the bed and sunk into it, he finished his coffee and tried not to think about anything except for how Sam could do that, was he a mind-reader now in addition to the whole witchy thing?
He heard the shower shut off and the frustrated groan as Sam noticed the absence of towels. He scooped up the almost dry towels from last night and knocked on the bathroom door. “You want these? They’re almost dry.” The door opened up just enough for Sam’s hand to shoot out and grab them from Dean.
Dean paced the room instead of sitting back down. It was going to be a hell of a long day in the car. Or maybe he should just stay here and let Sam take her. He was the one at fault here, so he probably should at least make the offer. He changed his mind once he saw the state Sam was in.
Sam came out fully dressed, with his emotional armor back in place, his mouth a thin line that matched the crease in his forehead. They got in the car and were out on the highway without a word spoken, it continued that way for several excruciating hours. Baby’s tank was getting low so Dean pulled off to refuel. Sam slammed out of the car and stalked into the mini-mart, leaving Dean to handle the pumps. He came back with a paper bag, and a more relaxed look. Maybe he’d just had to pee and hadn’t wanted to talk to Dean and ask him to stop. There were unspoken rules that they followed for the silent treatment after all these years riding together.
Dean got back into the driver’s seat after he’d made his own pitstop. Sam reached in the paper bag on the seat between them, rustled around and brought out a bag of peanut M&M’s, he handed them over to Dean along with a hint of a smile. Dean tried his best to smile back. He ripped open the bag and popped a few of the bright candies in his mouth. The sweetness, the salt of the peanuts was his favorite combination. And Sam knew it, so this was a sorry this time. And that meant Sam was thinking about this whole thing all bass-ackward.
Before he started the car, Dean turned in his seat, looked at Sam straight in the eye for a long moment. He took a deep breath and couldn’t think of what the hell to say. His mind went blank, well not as blank as it had been yesterday, but what the hell could he say here? It wasn’t like he could rattle off: I’m sorry if I made you do something last night that you didn’t really want to. I’m sorry I’m that needy little bitch we both know I am. I’m sorry I want you like that, all the time, always have. I’m sorry that I love you the way that I do. None of that could be said out loud and Dean knew it. Sam wouldn’t believe a bit of it anyway, or at the very least he shouldn’t.
“I’m not sure what I can say here,” Dean finally said. Damn that was lamer then lame.
“Say what about what?” Sam asked with one eyebrow raised.
“Why we’re not talking to each other,” Dean said.
“Oh, I thought you weren’t talking to me,” Sam said. “You couldn’t even look at me earlier at the motel.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. By the way you’re wrong. About all of it,” Dean said.
“Tell me what I’m wrong about, besides everything,” Sam said.
“Are you clear on what that genie thing made me believe? Let’s start there,” Dean said.
“Why don’t you tell me?” Sam asked.
Dean took another deep breath, looking up to the right furthest corner of the Impala interior to figure out how to phrase it. “The genie thing read my mind, and pulled out the thing I’ve wanted the most for the longest time.”
“Right, and what was that?” Sam asked, a small smile beginning to show on one side of his face.
“You and me, together,” Dean said, hoping that’d be enough of an explanation.
“We’re already together, so you mean together together, right?” Sam asked, his face so open and hopeful.
Dean nodded, he couldn’t speak, he wanted this so much, wanted Sam to understand how much he needed it. But he couldn’t ask.
“And you thought that would be a surprise or a problem for me?” Sam asked.
“Uh, yeah, Sam, I was pretty fucking sure it would be for both things,” Dean said.
“For such a smart guy, you’re an idiot a lot of the time,” Sam said.
“So what, just like that, you’re on board, you and me, together together?”
“I…I am yeah, it’s been a long time coming. I was just waiting for you to make a move,” Sam said.
“And I did last night, and you tried to stop me,” Dean said.
“I tried to stop you, because I didn’t want to take the choice away from you, the real you with all your memories. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to more than anything,” Sam said.
“But I pushed and you gave in and let me,” Dean said.
“Let you? Dean, no that’s not…can you ever forgive me? I didn’t even tell you we were brothers when you had no memory of us, how can you forgive that?” Sam asked, looking down at his hands twined together in his lap.
Dean reached out and laid a hand over Sam’s, stilling the movement, he squeezed gently until Sam looked up at him. “There’s nothing to forgive, Sammy, really. Like the genie thing said, it was my deepest desire, the thing I’ve worked the hardest to hide from you.”
Sam smiled and didn’t say anything.
“But you already knew, didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t mention the brother thing?” Dean asked.
“I did, yeah, I’ve known for a while,” Sam said.
“Why didn’t you ever, you know, push me?” Dean asked.
“I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted you to ask for what you wanted, because you always give in when I ask, and then I’d never know if you were just doing your self-sacrificing thing or doing what you wanted for yourself for once.”
Dean sighed and shook his head. “We could have, god, we wasted all this time. You holding out some test I didn’t know about and me assuming you’d never want a dead-end drop-out like me.”
“What?”
“You’re a lot better actor than you give yourself credit for, Sammy.”
“And you’re even more self-loathing than I thought you were, Dean.”
“Self-loathing, ahhh fuck you,” Dean said.
“It’s true, you’re the best man I’ve ever known, Dean. Anyone would be lucky to get any part of your time or attention, and I never thought I deserved all of it, not like that.”
“Well, you do, bitch,” Dean said.
“Well, if I do, then you do too, jerk,” Sam said.
“That’s settled, should we head home?” Dean asked.
“What was your plan, drop me off and leave, right?” Sam asked.
Dean frowned, briefly thought about lying and then nodded.
Sam sighed. “You’d really just leave me like that?”
“No, never, not now that I know,” Dean said.
“Promise?” Sam asked.
“If you promise, yeah,” Dean said.
Sam leaned over the paper bag between them and pressed his lips to Dean’s, sealing the agreement, making the start to this new thing a reality. Dean closed his eyes and kissed Sam back, vigorous and demanding in his acquiescence. His heart was screaming yes, and he didn’t know if he’d be able to drive.
“You okay to drive?” Sam asked, once he pulled back from that amazing kiss.
Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes, saw the laughter he was holding back and grimaced. How was Sam doing that, was it mind reading or what? “You reading minds now?”
Sam rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Let’s just say it wouldn’t take a genius to figure that one out. There’s a motel right across the street.” Sam pointed at the vintage motel sign that was lit up in gaudy neon, Trail’s Rest. “Maybe it’ll be one of those cowboy ones you dig so much.”
“What are you…I…do not,” Dean sputtered.
Sam interrupted, “Dude, don’t even try to deny it.”
Dean started up the car with a harrumph to himself, something mumbled about little brothers and their know-it-all ways. This was a good sign, that things maybe wouldn’t change between them all that much. He whipped a u-turn and pulled into the motel parking lot quickly enough that Sam had to brace himself against the dashboard. Hah, that shut him up.
“I’ll get us a room,” Dean said, jumping out of the car and pocketing the car keys. He didn’t look back to see whether Sam approved or not. He wasn’t ready though, when the clerk asked the standard question, “King or two queens?” Two paths here, one assuming they were one thing versus giving Sam one more chance to change his mind.
He knew he’d chosen the right path when Sam wrapped his arm around his waist from behind as they entered the room and tossed him into the center of the king bed.
Sam stood above him, strange look of desire and something else on his face. “You…didn’t-“ He stopped, like the words were stuck in his throat.
“Is that surprise on your face, little brother?” Dean asked, grinning one-sided and slow, warming up as Sam’s eyes darkened. “It just didn’t seem like you were up for more second guessing. I can go get us two queens, if you’d rather.”
Sam’s clothes were off before he finished the sentence, and his brother was swarming over him, pinning him to the bed. “You’re not going anywhere, big brother.”
Dean relaxed into Sam’s hold, giving up any pretense of resistance. “I don’t want to go anywhere, this is right where I want to be.”
Sam kissed him, deep and searching, the whole time he writhed on top of Dean, rubbing himself against his jeans, Dean could feel how hard he was. He snuck a hand between them and stroked him several times. Sam stopped kissing him and paused all his movement. There wasn’t much more to say then, they were in this together now. And that’s just how it was. Sam was making frustrated noises and tugging at Dean’s clothes.
“You have too many clothes on, god, c’mon, get this off,” Sam said, tugging Dean’s shirt over his head, trapping his wrists and holding them.
“Well, I need the use of my hands to do anything about the rest of it,” Dean said.
Sam gripped his wrists in one giant palm and Dean got the message. He lifted his hips oh so helpfully when Sam had his jeans undone. Finally they were skin to skin, both knowing it all, who they were, the choice they were making, the love, the need, all of it a big push of energy bringing them together into one. This was how they were supposed to be, the thought flitted through Dean’s head as Sam pounded into him, churning and thrusting, hitting him where he sparked with that deep sharp pleasure.
It was almost too good, almost too much, and then it wan’t even close, he could never slake his thirst for this, for having Sam like this, pliant and yet in control, his and always his and on and on. That was all he thought for a while, going into the blissful state of un-thinking, becoming a creature made only of pleasure that his Sam was giving him. He knew it was the same for Sam, just by how his brother was talking, in a constant low urgent growling whisper, all the possessive and sweet and sexy words Dean had always imagined hearing, all pouring out of his brother, filling him up inside where the small amount of doubt still resided. There was no room left for that, Sam was taking up all the space inside of him now, no more rambling around an empty room alone, Sam was there in the center of him where he was meant to be.
“Yeah, Dean, yeah, meant-to-be,” Sam said, thrusting harder and deeper on each word.
Dean lost it then, either Sam was reading his mind or he was spewing his thoughts out loud because of how damn good this felt. “Never thought we would, that you would,” Dean said, leaving out half of what he was saying because his brain was so not cooperating at the moment.
“Me either, but this is it from here on out, you and me,” Sam said.
****
The End