(no subject)
i was 12 when i got my first pubic hair and my boobs begin to grow. i was 14 when i finally got a period. most girls lived for these days, but i dreaded them. i didn't want to go into puberty because i didn't want to deal with my reproductive system. my whole life has been a relatively healthy one. i am lucky that way. but it seems like every time something does go wrong, it goes wrong, "down there." i told my mom when i was age five, "i would rather have puppies than babies." mom thought i was considering giving birth to puppies and made sure i was aware that i could only give birth to humans. i said, "i know mama. i am going to have a field of puppies. all different kinds. i would be happier that way."
my last boyfriend left me. he said he knew that i wasn't right for him because i didn't want children and "quite frankly i doubt you can get pregnant anyway." i guess there is that possibility that i am infertile. maybe that is what extinguishes my desire to procreate. perhaps it was because he was damaged and i couldn't imagine him being the father of my children. instead, i spent many hours thinking...he wants kids. he is going to talk me into it. then he is going to leave and i am going to be stuck being a single mom. i am quite sure, 5 years later, this is still the case with him. he doesn't know how to love anyone else but himself. he is the center of his universe.
today, i had to take out my copper IUD. i have gained 12 pounds in two months and no one (aside from my wise friends and family) accepts that the IUD had anything to do with it because "it isn't hormone based." it made me depressed to take it out. my body rejects everything...contact lenses, pollen, foods, and iuds. i feel like my body also rejects children....or whatever is revolving around them. in the past 2 months i have been to PP 7 times. i guess you could surmise i am a PP junkie or frequent flyer. I went in for a simple STD screen for my new boyfriend and came out with HPV. I went in for a culposcopy and got my period on the table. I went back in for a culpo and then back in two times for an IUD because the first time they lost my chart and forgot about me. Now, i went back to take it out because it gave me 12 extra pounds, cramps to high hell, and a period for two months. i feel like a failure. i feel like my body fails at anything female related. and i am angry at him. furious maybe. mostly because he doesn't have to deal with one iota of this mess. he gets free fucking out of this deal. i got residual cramps that even 1000mg of advil didn't cure. he hasn't spent 3 or 4 hours at a time waiting for the PP clinicians to see him. he doesn't have to take plan B or the pill. he doesn't have sore boobs or raging emotions. he just gets to fuck me freely, without repercussions.
i hate my reproductive system. i hate being female. i hate being responsible for situations. i hate the fact that i don't want kids and yet my entire world revolves around avoiding having them. i don't want to be stuck in this gender. and thus, i am considering permanently altering my body so i cannot accidentally get pregnant and so that i too, can finally fuck freely without the weekly trips to PP to deal with the consequences.
my last boyfriend left me. he said he knew that i wasn't right for him because i didn't want children and "quite frankly i doubt you can get pregnant anyway." i guess there is that possibility that i am infertile. maybe that is what extinguishes my desire to procreate. perhaps it was because he was damaged and i couldn't imagine him being the father of my children. instead, i spent many hours thinking...he wants kids. he is going to talk me into it. then he is going to leave and i am going to be stuck being a single mom. i am quite sure, 5 years later, this is still the case with him. he doesn't know how to love anyone else but himself. he is the center of his universe.
today, i had to take out my copper IUD. i have gained 12 pounds in two months and no one (aside from my wise friends and family) accepts that the IUD had anything to do with it because "it isn't hormone based." it made me depressed to take it out. my body rejects everything...contact lenses, pollen, foods, and iuds. i feel like my body also rejects children....or whatever is revolving around them. in the past 2 months i have been to PP 7 times. i guess you could surmise i am a PP junkie or frequent flyer. I went in for a simple STD screen for my new boyfriend and came out with HPV. I went in for a culposcopy and got my period on the table. I went back in for a culpo and then back in two times for an IUD because the first time they lost my chart and forgot about me. Now, i went back to take it out because it gave me 12 extra pounds, cramps to high hell, and a period for two months. i feel like a failure. i feel like my body fails at anything female related. and i am angry at him. furious maybe. mostly because he doesn't have to deal with one iota of this mess. he gets free fucking out of this deal. i got residual cramps that even 1000mg of advil didn't cure. he hasn't spent 3 or 4 hours at a time waiting for the PP clinicians to see him. he doesn't have to take plan B or the pill. he doesn't have sore boobs or raging emotions. he just gets to fuck me freely, without repercussions.
i hate my reproductive system. i hate being female. i hate being responsible for situations. i hate the fact that i don't want kids and yet my entire world revolves around avoiding having them. i don't want to be stuck in this gender. and thus, i am considering permanently altering my body so i cannot accidentally get pregnant and so that i too, can finally fuck freely without the weekly trips to PP to deal with the consequences.