It feels wrong to give up sometimes.
So I did it. I think.
I think I walked away from Andrew. for good, and for real.
To write about the reasons why would only make me feel sick again. All I'll say is that a lot had to do with trust, not feeling like I believed him about a girl he works with. And the rest had to do with little things...little neglectful things that Michael used to do to me. It's hard to recognize that they are the same actions, and its even tougher to "learn" from the past and make the first move. I'm usually left. I hold on far too long, clinging on with bloody fingernails to what clearly isn't there anymore. I'm never the one to see it and say "this isn't working". I think what hurt a lot was the fact that I did see it here. I saw it, and I never thought I would with him. I never thought it would get to this point. We've been happy so many different times before this. It's hard to feel like it's really over.
It feels wrong to give up sometimes.
it feels like it got a little easier than before, however. In relationships, it's really Really easy to walk away if the guy fucks up. You simply say, What an asshole! I can find better than that! It's a little bit less easy when its something that You've done. True, I did not "fuck up" except in my own mind. However, his words, telling me that this is my fault and that I'm the reason he is the way he is now, resonated in my head for quite a while. I was beginning to think I'd go crazy over the fact that I lost this and had no one to blame but myself. But over time... it's gotten easier. Not by much, let me tell you, but a fraction of an amount. The thing of it is.. I don't want to walk around in a relationship constantly feeling like I have to "make up" for the fact that I wasn't ready. I don't want to have this overwhelming feeling all the time that anything I may or may not do, might make some kind of impressionable sign on him. That's unhealthy, and it's no way to go about things. Yes, there's a lot I should have done differently. I have to live with that. But I don't want someone who's going to make me "pay" for it.
It's not always this easy. I feel okay right now, but many times its not. This just happened last night, so it's still early. I have no idea what I'll feel like in an hour, tonight, tomorrow, next week. We had 2 days where we didn't talk before he brought it up. And we ended up having a good day because of it. And then this. I've never been a huge lover of roller coasters.
It makes me cry a lot. A lot. I cried at school today. I shared a really heartbreaking moment with his mom in her office. She holds nothing against me, of course, and she'll always be there for me. But I felt the need to thank her. So many times she felt like my own 2nd mother. So many times, I wanted her to be. Even thinking about that right now makes me cry. Mostly because I still have all these feelings for him. And a lot of that has to do with wondering if I'm chasing something that no longer exsists, or if I've only pushed him this far temporarily. I think a lot of people go through both of those things, and they hang on--just like I do--hoping it's the 2nd. I'm terrified that I'll never see him again, speak to him, kiss him, hug him, anything him again. It's scary to take that chance that he'll take this lack of communication very well, find someone new (at work) and be happier than he was with me. It could happen. But there's a sliver, I feel...if just that, a sliver.. that this isn't the absolute end for us. I'm sure I'm just hoping it isn't. Sometimes I really hope it isn't. I still feel like I love him. a lot.
who knows what will happen. These fall months have never been very kind to me when it comes to love.
I think I walked away from Andrew. for good, and for real.
To write about the reasons why would only make me feel sick again. All I'll say is that a lot had to do with trust, not feeling like I believed him about a girl he works with. And the rest had to do with little things...little neglectful things that Michael used to do to me. It's hard to recognize that they are the same actions, and its even tougher to "learn" from the past and make the first move. I'm usually left. I hold on far too long, clinging on with bloody fingernails to what clearly isn't there anymore. I'm never the one to see it and say "this isn't working". I think what hurt a lot was the fact that I did see it here. I saw it, and I never thought I would with him. I never thought it would get to this point. We've been happy so many different times before this. It's hard to feel like it's really over.
It feels wrong to give up sometimes.
it feels like it got a little easier than before, however. In relationships, it's really Really easy to walk away if the guy fucks up. You simply say, What an asshole! I can find better than that! It's a little bit less easy when its something that You've done. True, I did not "fuck up" except in my own mind. However, his words, telling me that this is my fault and that I'm the reason he is the way he is now, resonated in my head for quite a while. I was beginning to think I'd go crazy over the fact that I lost this and had no one to blame but myself. But over time... it's gotten easier. Not by much, let me tell you, but a fraction of an amount. The thing of it is.. I don't want to walk around in a relationship constantly feeling like I have to "make up" for the fact that I wasn't ready. I don't want to have this overwhelming feeling all the time that anything I may or may not do, might make some kind of impressionable sign on him. That's unhealthy, and it's no way to go about things. Yes, there's a lot I should have done differently. I have to live with that. But I don't want someone who's going to make me "pay" for it.
It's not always this easy. I feel okay right now, but many times its not. This just happened last night, so it's still early. I have no idea what I'll feel like in an hour, tonight, tomorrow, next week. We had 2 days where we didn't talk before he brought it up. And we ended up having a good day because of it. And then this. I've never been a huge lover of roller coasters.
It makes me cry a lot. A lot. I cried at school today. I shared a really heartbreaking moment with his mom in her office. She holds nothing against me, of course, and she'll always be there for me. But I felt the need to thank her. So many times she felt like my own 2nd mother. So many times, I wanted her to be. Even thinking about that right now makes me cry. Mostly because I still have all these feelings for him. And a lot of that has to do with wondering if I'm chasing something that no longer exsists, or if I've only pushed him this far temporarily. I think a lot of people go through both of those things, and they hang on--just like I do--hoping it's the 2nd. I'm terrified that I'll never see him again, speak to him, kiss him, hug him, anything him again. It's scary to take that chance that he'll take this lack of communication very well, find someone new (at work) and be happier than he was with me. It could happen. But there's a sliver, I feel...if just that, a sliver.. that this isn't the absolute end for us. I'm sure I'm just hoping it isn't. Sometimes I really hope it isn't. I still feel like I love him. a lot.
who knows what will happen. These fall months have never been very kind to me when it comes to love.