Who's gonna save my soul now
I did something today, something that I haven't done in months. My mom is still friends with Michael on facebook, and when we first split and I de-friended, I used to log onto her name and see what he was up to. I used to do it a lot. I don't know what stopped it, but I haven't done it in months. There have been times when I've been curious, but not knowing how it would make me feel, felt like too much of a risk to check up. So I haven't, in a long time. Until today.
I want to write about it, because I really don't want to let it linger in my mind. In a way, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There's been one post from Grace, and about 4 pictures of them. That's nothing really. They still don't look like a couple to me. Even the way they hug, there's like a weird gap between them. When we'd hug, he's squeeze me so tightly that I felt my lungs would explode. His new residence is a double wide. I did like that. It looks nicely kept, but its still a double-wide. Ha.
I think the only part that really strikes me the way it does, is just how little we know about each other now. I honestly love the fact that he doesn't know anything about my life. And I never think about him enough to wonder what I'm missing in his. Which is great, it's wonderful progress and not once today have I felt a single fondness during my expedition. But scrolling down his timeline, I was confronted face-to-face with all that I don't know. And I didn't/don't feel sad, or angry, or tense. I really don't. I just feel strange. I see girls posting on his wall, and wondered who they are to him. I see friendships with guys that are completely unknown to me. I used to know all his friends. It's just strange. a completely different life.
I feel more comfort at the idea of him dating someone other than Grace. I know that isn't entirely fair for me to say, because I'm sure Grace is a nice boring ginger girl, and she really didn't do anything wrong--it was all him. But because of that, their relationship..sorry, "relationship", together..its just so vile to me. It's a relationship based on poison, because it came about (both times) during the time he was still with me. I can't take that seriously, knowing that their foundation came out of such scandalous emotional infidelity. It makes me feel better to see that letter he wrote to.. whoever Katie is, because I don't know her. She's fresh, and untouched by any tainted business that happened with us.
I probably shouldn't have looked. It doesn't make me miss him, or anything. So much of what we had wasn't real. And I've learned so much about that relationship, the more I'm not in it. So many lessons have come to light, even without having any contact. But I shouldn't have done it anyways, just because it's made me think about it even if just long enough to write this entry. The end.
I want to write about it, because I really don't want to let it linger in my mind. In a way, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There's been one post from Grace, and about 4 pictures of them. That's nothing really. They still don't look like a couple to me. Even the way they hug, there's like a weird gap between them. When we'd hug, he's squeeze me so tightly that I felt my lungs would explode. His new residence is a double wide. I did like that. It looks nicely kept, but its still a double-wide. Ha.
I think the only part that really strikes me the way it does, is just how little we know about each other now. I honestly love the fact that he doesn't know anything about my life. And I never think about him enough to wonder what I'm missing in his. Which is great, it's wonderful progress and not once today have I felt a single fondness during my expedition. But scrolling down his timeline, I was confronted face-to-face with all that I don't know. And I didn't/don't feel sad, or angry, or tense. I really don't. I just feel strange. I see girls posting on his wall, and wondered who they are to him. I see friendships with guys that are completely unknown to me. I used to know all his friends. It's just strange. a completely different life.
I feel more comfort at the idea of him dating someone other than Grace. I know that isn't entirely fair for me to say, because I'm sure Grace is a nice boring ginger girl, and she really didn't do anything wrong--it was all him. But because of that, their relationship..sorry, "relationship", together..its just so vile to me. It's a relationship based on poison, because it came about (both times) during the time he was still with me. I can't take that seriously, knowing that their foundation came out of such scandalous emotional infidelity. It makes me feel better to see that letter he wrote to.. whoever Katie is, because I don't know her. She's fresh, and untouched by any tainted business that happened with us.
I probably shouldn't have looked. It doesn't make me miss him, or anything. So much of what we had wasn't real. And I've learned so much about that relationship, the more I'm not in it. So many lessons have come to light, even without having any contact. But I shouldn't have done it anyways, just because it's made me think about it even if just long enough to write this entry. The end.