(no subject)
I made it through the weekend. And honestly, I think it was actually kinda good for us. I actually heard from him a bit more than I expected to while he was away. I also think I finally got my head on straight, as far as outlooks went for the weekend. I set it up so that I fully expected not to hear from him. And I was actually...kind of okay with that? I figured he was with friends, with many people, at a concert, enjoying herbs, and music. He's busy. It wasn't like he was just sitting around, ignoring me or chosing not to text me. I was okay with long time slots inbetween texts. However, now that he's home, I'm a little nervous for those same reasons. I expect to not hear from him much when he's away and busy. But now that he's home, and not busy.. to not hear from him much still would sort of make me feel on edge again. But so far, so good. Today when he was home, he told me he missed me a couple times. And we made plans to hang out tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to.
The Tonys were tonight, and Once won over Newsies. bleh. Mike had more people over than I think have ever been over. Maria and Gaska came. that was nice. Spring Awakening rehearsals are going okay but I'm still a little torn about them. They're super productive, and I'm actually looking forward to being able to do runs of the first act soon. however, today was the first and only day so far that I've really just wanted rehearsal to be over with, hours before it was. I'm sure it was just that it was nice out.
I have to figure out how to let Mike down... I've stopped all physical things with him, but I know thats not enough. It's just that we've had so many chats about it, that I don't know how to bring up what needs to be said, without sounding repetitive. I feel differently than before. In October, when I broke things off..it was 70% because of Michael. But when I didn't have him in my life, I missed having him in that aspect. But the passiveness doesn't change, and weird things annoy me about him. And that's not fair for him. But the way I know that this time is different, is the possessive aspect. When I didn't have him in my life back in December/January, my jealousy definitely took over. I remember crying at a party because he was glued to his phone all night, and kept smiling at the texts he was getting. I wanted to die, wondering who he was talking to, and knowing that I used to be the one to cause his smile. But now... when he was texting Lauren in Cortland... I just felt.. nothing. Like, I didn't care that he was talking to her, or if anything was going on with them. I really didn't. And that stood out to me, that I literally had 0 feelings of possessiveness or jealousy. I can't really say that its much better or healthier that Andrew's at the completely opposite end of the spectrum. The mere idEA of him talking to, or seeing another girl, now has me in tears, in the bathroom, and in an insane assylum. I don't think thats really a good thing either...but at least its clearer to me, that I want him around and I want him to be mine. I'm just not sure about our differences about the future. It's just weird that the future is our main problem. Something that hasn't even happened yet, bridges we haven't even crossed, and things that don't even exsist yet. so strange.
The Tonys were tonight, and Once won over Newsies. bleh. Mike had more people over than I think have ever been over. Maria and Gaska came. that was nice. Spring Awakening rehearsals are going okay but I'm still a little torn about them. They're super productive, and I'm actually looking forward to being able to do runs of the first act soon. however, today was the first and only day so far that I've really just wanted rehearsal to be over with, hours before it was. I'm sure it was just that it was nice out.
I have to figure out how to let Mike down... I've stopped all physical things with him, but I know thats not enough. It's just that we've had so many chats about it, that I don't know how to bring up what needs to be said, without sounding repetitive. I feel differently than before. In October, when I broke things off..it was 70% because of Michael. But when I didn't have him in my life, I missed having him in that aspect. But the passiveness doesn't change, and weird things annoy me about him. And that's not fair for him. But the way I know that this time is different, is the possessive aspect. When I didn't have him in my life back in December/January, my jealousy definitely took over. I remember crying at a party because he was glued to his phone all night, and kept smiling at the texts he was getting. I wanted to die, wondering who he was talking to, and knowing that I used to be the one to cause his smile. But now... when he was texting Lauren in Cortland... I just felt.. nothing. Like, I didn't care that he was talking to her, or if anything was going on with them. I really didn't. And that stood out to me, that I literally had 0 feelings of possessiveness or jealousy. I can't really say that its much better or healthier that Andrew's at the completely opposite end of the spectrum. The mere idEA of him talking to, or seeing another girl, now has me in tears, in the bathroom, and in an insane assylum. I don't think thats really a good thing either...but at least its clearer to me, that I want him around and I want him to be mine. I'm just not sure about our differences about the future. It's just weird that the future is our main problem. Something that hasn't even happened yet, bridges we haven't even crossed, and things that don't even exsist yet. so strange.