i wish i was special
why do things never work out? why why why why? all i wanted was a little happiness and security and where does that get me? it gets me wide awake at a quarter to five alone and desperate and watching as what i could have had slips through my fingers. all i can do now is shiver and cry and wonder when it will be my turn. i have no control. i am as good as invisible. for a good time, sure, i'm here. for forever, well that they find elsewhere. i'm convenient. yes i am. right here, just a short walk away. and a walk away is what inevitably happens. no strings attached? there's always strings, and now they're big ugly nasty strings, ones that are wrapped around me and severed and limp and bleeding. i'm getting choked to death by them all. it's always the same. i should be prepared for this. it never changes. even when i thought i had a good thing going, i go and fuck it up by my inability to communicate. give me your second-choice, your heartbroken, your lonely, your horny, but heaven forbid you ever give me your genuine. no, the genuine are reserved for the good at heart and i am just cold and dirty. it's bad enough to be deprived of what i want most, but even worse to watch it slip away permanently. so what else is new? i'm just so confused right now on so many levels i can't think anymore. *cries and cries and cries till there's nothing left*