it's one of those days...
where you feel like a piece of shit no matter how blessed or how hard you are trying. Abbey's getting older and so are we; I feel like time is slipping by and although we are blessed considering how others have it, I still will like to be able to have more, not greedy more, just more stability. A more steady job or even do something that I would actually love like writing. My book is done; I just need to proof read it which I could only do so much, if I wanted to hire someone to do it for me it'll cost me around $200 which I don't have. There's also the copy righting I need to do plus all the introduction letters and queries I must write to try to get someone to say "hey let's give this girl a chance" although she holds so experience of education in the matter. It totally blows; and I'm not even gonna fool myself about school and trying to pretend I'm gonna go back because I know that school wasn't meant for me. I wonder if what you see in movies, like the pursuit of happiness is actually achievable. I know it's a true story but still that's kinda winning the lottery in a way. The rest of us just get to work in a million unsteady jobs trying to make ends meet and trying their hardest not to go insane while adding the bills and whatnot. The only thing that I see in my mind is Abbey's face; smiling up at me...somehow trusting that she'll always have what she needs because mommy will make that happen, it brings tears to my eyes to be here right now and only PRAY that actually happens. I know that it'll be okay, I know that she will have a great life and that she already has so many things I never had when I was her age or EVER and I know that it'll be okay. I just can't help but to feel annoyed at times with how things are. I still see a bright future though, somehow I see it. I guess I just have to take it one step at a time; continue to work here, start proof reading my own book with Ry's help and write the letters I need to write and just go fishing, see who bites my book and gives me that illusive break.