oh
still have money problems. boyfriend problems. apartment problems. body problems. knee problems, mental problems, drinking problems. joint problems, breathing problems. work problems. addictive problems. love problems. the word problems looks like it's not even a word anymore, and all these problems makes me feel like i'm not even happy anymore, which is silly for me to say now because i know it won't last. tonight i'll feel great, unless ryan and i keep fighting, in which case i'll spend the evening with a friend who will make me feel better. i know i get over things really quickly, so don't think this is me getting all depressed or anything, it's just that everything is happening at once. ryan doesn't think he can live with me anymore?! because of the same habits i've always had, the same habits i said i would change and have been working on, and the same habits he has accepted and was apparently okay with. i don't explode on him and yell at him about the qualitites about him that i dislike. at least not all the time. he treats me like a child so often and is constantly reminding me of my faults. you think i'm not aware of my faults? because i really, really am. he often gets upset with me for things that he does just as much as i do, and doesn't realize or admit to it when i call him on it. i tell him how proud i am of him and he thinks i don't respect him. i just don't fucking get it. i can't not live with him, where the fuck would i go? what the fuck would i do? i know this will all pass, but why the fuck do we start arguing over stupid shit? and then it all escalates back to the same thing. this whole fucking argument began over some cat shit. are you fucking kidding me?
we owe my dad money that we don't have right now. i hope we can pay for our apartment, not to mention rent at our new apartment and bills that are behind. my body is a peice of shit that i am uncomfortable with and i'm so inflexible and out of shape and constantly sore. my knees hurt badly all the time and i still have to keep using them. i can't bring myself to change things i know i need to change because i'm a fucking creature of bad habits. i drink too much. my joints are creaking and that's fucking weird. i can't breathe right now because i'm so upset. i hate working full time and the lady i work with treats me like a fucking child. i don't know dude, i hope this will all pass, but right now i can't fucking stand it. i just want to run away to the beach with my friends that i never have to worry about upsetting or being upset by. i almost wish i was living single again and didn't have these extra problems and matt and i were pretending to be married and living at my parents house where we had no worries. i wish i was a child and didn't have to worry about all this shit, and then the way people treated me sometimes would be fitting. i wish i was floating around in space right now with nothing, not even gravity, nothing to make me want to cry.