Preparing to be proud of myself.
I was planning on turning this entry into a Profound Piece of Reasoned Thought but my ADHD is in high gear and I don't have any Adderall. So feel free to read (or skip) this half-baked stream of 'consciousness'.
As a militant left-hander, I am getting ready to prance on down to the Capital Left-Handed Pride festivities. Every year I ask myself why I bother. The short answer is that it is a great excuse to throw down with concentrated ratios of fellow left-handers. The long answer is that while most of us will never suffer the horrid fate of Matt Shepherd at the hands of violent, knuckle-dragging fuckwits, we still still have to fight for equal protection under the law. Some of us still live in places where we can be legally discriminated against because of the hand we use to write with. Every day of the year, we get bombarded with the following pieces of twisted logic:
As a militant left-hander, I am getting ready to prance on down to the Capital Left-Handed Pride festivities. Every year I ask myself why I bother. The short answer is that it is a great excuse to throw down with concentrated ratios of fellow left-handers. The long answer is that while most of us will never suffer the horrid fate of Matt Shepherd at the hands of violent, knuckle-dragging fuckwits, we still still have to fight for equal protection under the law. Some of us still live in places where we can be legally discriminated against because of the hand we use to write with. Every day of the year, we get bombarded with the following pieces of twisted logic:
- “Left Handedness is a SIN! Look, it says so RIGHT HERE (pointing with the right hand) in the book of Gurglezog…right next to the prohibition on eating shellfish. Oooh, crab cakes! Yummy!”
- “The Left Handed Lifestyle is an abomination. Why? Because I said so. The burden is on them to prove me wrong.”
- “I don’t mind left-handers. Some of my best friends are left-handers. It’s just that they eat, they open doors, and they even insist on writing right in front of you! It’s disgusting!”
- “Left-handers can’t reproduce so they have to recruit. See that guy over there? Look at the hand he is using to open the car door…ewww! Careful or he will steal your children. Yes, I know the 99% of literary crimes involving children are committed by right-handed people. What's your point?”
- “Left-handedness is a learned behavior! All those so-called scientists would have you believe otherwise, but we know they are just wrong. Oh, that study? And that one? And even that one over there…those are all bunk. I know because God told me so. By the way, Earth is only about 6000 years old, the known universe was created in 6 days, and our predisposition toward curiosity of the world around us is immoral and should not be taught in schools. How do I know? It’s right here in the book of Gurglezog.”
- “As a group, left-handers suffer higher rates of depression and suicide. They are not happy people. That’s why the Ex Left Hander program is so valuable. See? They strap you in this chair and ask you to write a letter. Every time you use your left hand they send 700 volts through you. Pretty soon, you can’t write at all…but at least you’ll stop using your left hand.”
- “Of course I love you. You’re my son; but I do not approve of your left-handedness. No, I’m sorry, I am just not ready to meet any of your left-handed friends. I don’t think I could handle it. And if you do find a fellow left-hander you will be writing at separate desks as long as you’re in my house. So…when are you coming to visit?” -- From the woman who has written her share of abstracts in her time and is on her second dissertation. But it’s OK because they were all written with the right hand.
- “Left-handers are a detriment to society as we know it. We must do everything we can to prevent their peaceful coexistence. Equal protection only applies to right-handed people. Yes, I have a reasoned defense of this argument that I will be happy to share with you…just as soon as I finish this Left-Handed Eye for the Right-Handed Guy marathon.”