Thoughts, Part II: Faith
This is something that has been on my mind to a great degree lately, and I have been reluctant to voice it due to the response that it may create, and I would be very VERY wary of discussing it with my father. Fortunately for me, he does not read my blog on MySpace or LiveJournal.
I am having serious doubts regarding what has been my declared religion to this point (Christianity, for those who may not already know.)
This is not by a long shot a sudden thing; it has been floating and growing somewhere, bobbing right on the border between my conscious and subconscious; just a sense that there are perfectly logical scientific and psychological explanations for phenomena that are supposedly explained within the Christian reasoning; a sense that there is just a bit too much self-reinforcing logic. For a long time, I simply pushed away those thoughts, thinking “I am a Christian, and I should not be thinking like that.” This continued for a while, and I was only slightly troubled by it. Christian faith just “felt” correct, so this was “obviously” the Holy Spirit assuring me of my faith.
But then came this line of thought: I was raised in the church. Since day one, I have been at church every Sunday. At home, Christian faith and morals have been absolute law, and enforced strictly. Assuming that there is no external spiritual force acting on me to provide me with morals, I would still have the sense that my faith is absolutely correct due to very strong psychological conditioning.
This is when I start worrying. The only strong conviction I have of my faith now has a very strong secular explanation. At this point, I merely consider the thought of officially becoming an ex-Christian, and immediately get an unbelievably strong sense of fear. In a split second I get the complete thought of “By ceasing my belief, I forfeit eternal salvation.” This holds me back from retracting my beliefs. That is a risk I cannot take.
But then, isn’t that just the same thing as before? If I have been conditioned to believe this, then wouldn’t it make perfect sense for that to be my gut reaction?
This point then combined itself with some other similar thoughts. I have never felt any kind of strong “love” for God. I have never had a strong, burning desire to read the bible and “know God more”. If I ever did read, it was out of shame of not doing it. Now, let’s say that I did have that strong desire. Just by the fact that I mentioned that I did not feel that, I realize that at some point I have been conditioned to think that I should. It would be easy to manufacture that kind of emotion if you believe that you should be feeling it.
Within Christianity (at least in the case of Protestantism), a major part is personal interaction or communication with God. Through the Holy Spirit, one can receive advice and guidance. When someone is having difficulty with this, it is invariably suggested that they 1, Read the bible more, and 2, Open their mind more to God’s voice. By reading the bible more, you subconsciously learn it, and its frame of thought. Then, when you “open your mind more”, you let down your guard of thinking that you may just be making it up, and thus, the subconscious fragments of the Bible, “God’s Word”, float to the surface, creating a very real, believable sense that God is speaking to you.
People who follow Christian morals tend to be friendly people who do a good job of what they do. This one is obvious. Regardless of what radical social liberals may have to say about it, the Christian moral sense (at least the teachings of Jesus and Paul), when followed closely, naturally develops traits that are seen as “good” in Western culture’s eyes (and probably most other cultures as well, for that matter.)
So, all of these thoughts, and a few more which I may add later have contributed to my doubts. I’ve run out of mental energy for the moment.
I am having serious doubts regarding what has been my declared religion to this point (Christianity, for those who may not already know.)
This is not by a long shot a sudden thing; it has been floating and growing somewhere, bobbing right on the border between my conscious and subconscious; just a sense that there are perfectly logical scientific and psychological explanations for phenomena that are supposedly explained within the Christian reasoning; a sense that there is just a bit too much self-reinforcing logic. For a long time, I simply pushed away those thoughts, thinking “I am a Christian, and I should not be thinking like that.” This continued for a while, and I was only slightly troubled by it. Christian faith just “felt” correct, so this was “obviously” the Holy Spirit assuring me of my faith.
But then came this line of thought: I was raised in the church. Since day one, I have been at church every Sunday. At home, Christian faith and morals have been absolute law, and enforced strictly. Assuming that there is no external spiritual force acting on me to provide me with morals, I would still have the sense that my faith is absolutely correct due to very strong psychological conditioning.
This is when I start worrying. The only strong conviction I have of my faith now has a very strong secular explanation. At this point, I merely consider the thought of officially becoming an ex-Christian, and immediately get an unbelievably strong sense of fear. In a split second I get the complete thought of “By ceasing my belief, I forfeit eternal salvation.” This holds me back from retracting my beliefs. That is a risk I cannot take.
But then, isn’t that just the same thing as before? If I have been conditioned to believe this, then wouldn’t it make perfect sense for that to be my gut reaction?
This point then combined itself with some other similar thoughts. I have never felt any kind of strong “love” for God. I have never had a strong, burning desire to read the bible and “know God more”. If I ever did read, it was out of shame of not doing it. Now, let’s say that I did have that strong desire. Just by the fact that I mentioned that I did not feel that, I realize that at some point I have been conditioned to think that I should. It would be easy to manufacture that kind of emotion if you believe that you should be feeling it.
Within Christianity (at least in the case of Protestantism), a major part is personal interaction or communication with God. Through the Holy Spirit, one can receive advice and guidance. When someone is having difficulty with this, it is invariably suggested that they 1, Read the bible more, and 2, Open their mind more to God’s voice. By reading the bible more, you subconsciously learn it, and its frame of thought. Then, when you “open your mind more”, you let down your guard of thinking that you may just be making it up, and thus, the subconscious fragments of the Bible, “God’s Word”, float to the surface, creating a very real, believable sense that God is speaking to you.
People who follow Christian morals tend to be friendly people who do a good job of what they do. This one is obvious. Regardless of what radical social liberals may have to say about it, the Christian moral sense (at least the teachings of Jesus and Paul), when followed closely, naturally develops traits that are seen as “good” in Western culture’s eyes (and probably most other cultures as well, for that matter.)
So, all of these thoughts, and a few more which I may add later have contributed to my doubts. I’ve run out of mental energy for the moment.