Life Changes
So, I'm super nervous about my life. I have only twelve weeks until I graduate. When I first started student teaching I was just soaking it up but I think now that I'm nearing the end, the pressure of my life is getting to me. This is what I think about daily.
1. Getting an apartment. Whether it will be during the summer only or for a year and how it will relate when I find a job. How far will I end up commuting if I end up getting a 12 month lease.
2. Getting a teaching job. Where will it be? Will it be near Bryan or my apartment? Will it be at a good school or not? Will I even like teaching?
3. Being on my own for the summer. Surviving without a real job... and my goal is to try and not ask my parents for money.
4. Finding a good summer job. I put in an early app for a place my sister is working and the job would be good but quite a commute. I do work at victoria's secret but that won't work, I will need a full time job for the summer. What would I do if I don'tget this job.
5. Finishing Student Teaching. Am I going to get an A? I know I won't get lower than a B. I've worked really hard and I have only recently started getting some criticism... I will pass but how well will I grade? My hope is no lower than an A- but I'm ready to be done so I can know!
6. The musical... next week is going to be hell but OMG it's my last week. I'm going crazy thinking about it.
7. Thank you cards and gifts. I have to find a sneaky way to figure out what my teachers favorite lotion is at Bath and Body works again, she told me but I forgot... I'm thinking I might say something like "Remember when we were talking about lotions at Bath and Body works. I forgot what lotion you mentioned before and I wanted to try it out, my skin has been so dry lately." Think that will work? Other than that I can't think of anything to get her but paper clips LMAO! That's so lame! Maybe I'll just get her that chapstick she mentioned, that would be cheaper too. Maybe three of them or something, I have a discount there, that's why I think its a great idea.
8. Affording food... my meal plan ends wednesday so I will have to suffice with the small amount I'm making at VS for the next week and a half... oh dear.
9. Taxes... when will I have time to go home and figure out taxes?!
10. My mom might have cancer...
11. My mom moving...
12. Bryan working 10 days in a row and being cranky already because he hasn't been sleeping much.
13. Moving out.
14. Teaching 4th grade tomorrow and tuesday and friday... - they are my teachers favorite so I think I feel more pressure about enjoying them as much as she does, because she says they are great... but I don't really think they are... >.< and Dr. C gave me a bad evaluation last time I taught them. I'm going to wake up earlier tomorrow to wake up more before teaching them and think through everything I'm going to say and how I'm going to make all this work and whatnot... I'm hoping I'm more calm tomorrow.
15. Being in love... without knowing if the other person loves you. Bryan is very open but I do feel like he hides some emotion because he doesn't want to get hurt as much as I don't want to get hurt. I also am not good at moving slow in relationships. Though I am very glad Bryan is... he's amazing, I think this is why I love him already. I know hes the right guy for me. I hope I'm the right girl for him.
16. Accidentally cutting myself with a razor... yes.. somehow I accidentally cut myself. Its no fun if you don't mean to harm yourself! In any case, I still have to come up with a good explanation of how I hurt myself. They kinda look like cat scratches so I have... my friend's cat scratched me and with a bandaid - I ran into something and ripped off a few layers of skin, you don't want to see, its gross. They should heal fast but I'm kinda panicky because I dont' want Bryan to notice... and I think he knows that I used to cut, I kinda hinted at it. But it does look like I was cutting but I didn't feel the skin breaking, I didn't intend to actually cut myself, I was just imagining it before i threw away my razors.
17. Graduating... in general encompasses many of the first ones.
18. Figuring out where I'm going to go to grad school and what I'm going to do in grad school.
19. My state of forced abstinence... via Bryan who is a virgin. He also wants to do more but he's such a gentleman... and he's afraid lmao. But good god he teases me so often when I spend the night. He will calmly grope me kind of sneakily in my erogenious zones. He will talk casually about how much he wants to spank me (thats like my big kink... I know TMI) then he will stop moving and be pretty much asleep. Everytime I have to get out of bed and go to the bathroom to fix my issues...>.< torture!!! Number 1 reason why I'm not happy to have lost my virginity, I like need sex but I'm not going to get it for a VERY VERY VERY long time.
20. My Student Teaching Portfolio. I'm slightly nervous about how its going to be graded. My evaluator said she would look at it but never gave me any feedback...
21. I can't think of anymore but I know there is more... I'm overwhelmed past anything I've been in a long time.
All in all the moral of the story is... I'm glad I bought booze for this week, because I'm going to need it. Also, I'm glad I threw away my razor yesterday because this would be the week I lapse and cut myself. Its kind of crazy, I've been more busy in my life... but not with this many uncertainties... I don't deal well when you can't plan something and know it will happen.
1. Getting an apartment. Whether it will be during the summer only or for a year and how it will relate when I find a job. How far will I end up commuting if I end up getting a 12 month lease.
2. Getting a teaching job. Where will it be? Will it be near Bryan or my apartment? Will it be at a good school or not? Will I even like teaching?
3. Being on my own for the summer. Surviving without a real job... and my goal is to try and not ask my parents for money.
4. Finding a good summer job. I put in an early app for a place my sister is working and the job would be good but quite a commute. I do work at victoria's secret but that won't work, I will need a full time job for the summer. What would I do if I don'tget this job.
5. Finishing Student Teaching. Am I going to get an A? I know I won't get lower than a B. I've worked really hard and I have only recently started getting some criticism... I will pass but how well will I grade? My hope is no lower than an A- but I'm ready to be done so I can know!
6. The musical... next week is going to be hell but OMG it's my last week. I'm going crazy thinking about it.
7. Thank you cards and gifts. I have to find a sneaky way to figure out what my teachers favorite lotion is at Bath and Body works again, she told me but I forgot... I'm thinking I might say something like "Remember when we were talking about lotions at Bath and Body works. I forgot what lotion you mentioned before and I wanted to try it out, my skin has been so dry lately." Think that will work? Other than that I can't think of anything to get her but paper clips LMAO! That's so lame! Maybe I'll just get her that chapstick she mentioned, that would be cheaper too. Maybe three of them or something, I have a discount there, that's why I think its a great idea.
8. Affording food... my meal plan ends wednesday so I will have to suffice with the small amount I'm making at VS for the next week and a half... oh dear.
9. Taxes... when will I have time to go home and figure out taxes?!
10. My mom might have cancer...
11. My mom moving...
12. Bryan working 10 days in a row and being cranky already because he hasn't been sleeping much.
13. Moving out.
14. Teaching 4th grade tomorrow and tuesday and friday... - they are my teachers favorite so I think I feel more pressure about enjoying them as much as she does, because she says they are great... but I don't really think they are... >.< and Dr. C gave me a bad evaluation last time I taught them. I'm going to wake up earlier tomorrow to wake up more before teaching them and think through everything I'm going to say and how I'm going to make all this work and whatnot... I'm hoping I'm more calm tomorrow.
15. Being in love... without knowing if the other person loves you. Bryan is very open but I do feel like he hides some emotion because he doesn't want to get hurt as much as I don't want to get hurt. I also am not good at moving slow in relationships. Though I am very glad Bryan is... he's amazing, I think this is why I love him already. I know hes the right guy for me. I hope I'm the right girl for him.
16. Accidentally cutting myself with a razor... yes.. somehow I accidentally cut myself. Its no fun if you don't mean to harm yourself! In any case, I still have to come up with a good explanation of how I hurt myself. They kinda look like cat scratches so I have... my friend's cat scratched me and with a bandaid - I ran into something and ripped off a few layers of skin, you don't want to see, its gross. They should heal fast but I'm kinda panicky because I dont' want Bryan to notice... and I think he knows that I used to cut, I kinda hinted at it. But it does look like I was cutting but I didn't feel the skin breaking, I didn't intend to actually cut myself, I was just imagining it before i threw away my razors.
17. Graduating... in general encompasses many of the first ones.
18. Figuring out where I'm going to go to grad school and what I'm going to do in grad school.
19. My state of forced abstinence... via Bryan who is a virgin. He also wants to do more but he's such a gentleman... and he's afraid lmao. But good god he teases me so often when I spend the night. He will calmly grope me kind of sneakily in my erogenious zones. He will talk casually about how much he wants to spank me (thats like my big kink... I know TMI) then he will stop moving and be pretty much asleep. Everytime I have to get out of bed and go to the bathroom to fix my issues...>.< torture!!! Number 1 reason why I'm not happy to have lost my virginity, I like need sex but I'm not going to get it for a VERY VERY VERY long time.
20. My Student Teaching Portfolio. I'm slightly nervous about how its going to be graded. My evaluator said she would look at it but never gave me any feedback...
21. I can't think of anymore but I know there is more... I'm overwhelmed past anything I've been in a long time.
All in all the moral of the story is... I'm glad I bought booze for this week, because I'm going to need it. Also, I'm glad I threw away my razor yesterday because this would be the week I lapse and cut myself. Its kind of crazy, I've been more busy in my life... but not with this many uncertainties... I don't deal well when you can't plan something and know it will happen.