Nightmares
It's very hard to illustrate how it feels, because I have never had a dream, or a recurring memory, about a guy I have dated before. This would be the first time, and sadly I am under no control of it.
When will it subside? I laid restless last night, because the memories kept coming like waves, after a single drop in still waters. When situations arise that you in no way can control, you can't help with anything but endure the bombardment of irritation, and questions, and memories, and thoughts. You can't rise above a tormentor when you are the one that betrays you.
The dream was where it all began; my old house with a red picket fence, my old room with blue paint, my old bed rickety and loud. We were watching a movie; like we we usually did, and I closed my eyes for a second, when I opened them- he was gone. I looked around the room frantically. I checked under the bed sheets, and then I awoke in a new room. It feels so alien to me; the feeling of sleeping alone.
I suppose I cannot ask why it hurts so much. The reasons are already known to me. Those last minutes that we talked turned into hours; I still felt it. Hours became days; I still thought about him. The days have now turned into a week; still, here they are.
It's like my heart is grieving for my old self. The one that smiled that Friday the 13th, because he had a secret, and that secret was lying on the bed.
I keep telling myself, that I did the best I could, and it's true, and I know this. The fact is; he was the kind of person who knew he wanted a relationship. I gave it to him, he just didn't know what to do with it. I am saddened that I am not myself and I cannot sleep at night.
When will it subside? I laid restless last night, because the memories kept coming like waves, after a single drop in still waters. When situations arise that you in no way can control, you can't help with anything but endure the bombardment of irritation, and questions, and memories, and thoughts. You can't rise above a tormentor when you are the one that betrays you.
The dream was where it all began; my old house with a red picket fence, my old room with blue paint, my old bed rickety and loud. We were watching a movie; like we we usually did, and I closed my eyes for a second, when I opened them- he was gone. I looked around the room frantically. I checked under the bed sheets, and then I awoke in a new room. It feels so alien to me; the feeling of sleeping alone.
I suppose I cannot ask why it hurts so much. The reasons are already known to me. Those last minutes that we talked turned into hours; I still felt it. Hours became days; I still thought about him. The days have now turned into a week; still, here they are.
It's like my heart is grieving for my old self. The one that smiled that Friday the 13th, because he had a secret, and that secret was lying on the bed.
I keep telling myself, that I did the best I could, and it's true, and I know this. The fact is; he was the kind of person who knew he wanted a relationship. I gave it to him, he just didn't know what to do with it. I am saddened that I am not myself and I cannot sleep at night.