(no subject)
Title: I Should Be Hoping (But I Can't Stop Thinking)
Fandom: Lost
Characters/Pairings: Kate/Sawyer
Word Count: 1,013
Rating: PG
Prompt: #8 - Forgiveness for
12_stories
Spoilers: Up to 4.10 - Something Nice Back Home
Summary: They say these things happen in a blur. That the world tilts on its axis and everything moves so fast that you're left wondering if anything even happened at all. This happens slowly. Painfully slowly.
They say these things happen in a blur. That the world tilts on its axis and everything moves so fast that you’re left wondering if anything even happened at all.
This happens slowly. Painfully slowly.
It’s the process of saying goodbye to everyone. She’s never been good at goodbyes, she intentionally steered clear of them when the raft sailed off. But now, since she’s the one going, she can’t exactly do that.
She almost wishes they’d just taken off sometime during the night, but it wasn’t the right thing to do, not according to the others, and everybody wanted to say goodbye to everyone else. Everybody staying, or at least most of them - well, they thought this was just a temporary goodbye. Kate knew better.
Frank yells that they’ve got one more hour before they’re taking off, and the knot in Kate’s stomach grows as she heads out into the jungle one last time, leaving Aaron with Sun.
She has to think about things like where Aaron is now. He’s her responsibility. A responsibility that she’s ill prepared for, and she’s pretty sure everyone knows that.
“Freckles.”
Kate isn’t surprised that he’s there. She listens to the leaves crunch under his feet, with her back turned, and she can’t decide whether she’s glad he’s here or not.
“Thought you’d be gone by now.”
“We fly in an hour.” She turns to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”
Sawyer shakes his head. “Ain’t enough room anyway.”
He’s right, but that’s not the point. “That isn’t why you’re not coming.”
And it’s not, and they both know that. He lost Claire, and he intends to find her, and Kate gets it but at the same time doesn’t. This is a man who hadn’t cared less about anyone but himself, and perhaps her, and now he’s staying to run off in the jungle and find her. Because he feels guilty. I ain’t got nothing back there for me. She guesses there’s that too.
He only shrugs, not willing to divulge anything more. “Fair enough.”
She supposes all he was doing was pausing, that he had something else to say because his lips moved around soundless words, but after a moment he stops and the silence lingers. It feels like forever before either of them says anything.
“Would you do me a favor?” He forces the words; she can tell he doesn’t want to ask, not really.
She doesn’t even have to think. Even if she doesn’t want to in the end, she’s still curious. “What?”
“I’ve got someone I need you to look up for me.” He digs in his pocket, and for a second she thinks it’s his letter that he’s looking for. What he produces, and hands to her, is much less worn out. She unfolds it, carefully, and finds nothing more than a name and an address. Cassidy Phillips. She doesn’t know why the name feels familiar, nor does she ask. “She might’ve moved.”
Kate nods. “Who is she?”
“Just tell her I ain’t dead.” He says, before she can get the last syllable of her sentence out. It only serves to make her more intrigued.
She’d ask, push for more, but she just doesn’t have the time. She’d rather the last words she says to him not be fighting ones. She doesn’t want to fight; she’s realized too late that it gets them nowhere. So she just tells him, “Alright.”
This time she doesn’t let the silence last too long. “I should get back; make sure they don’t leave without me.”
“Doc won’t let ‘em.” Kate’s not sure if that’s a shot at them or just an offhand comment. From his demeanor it appeared to be the latter.
“Still.” She’s going to have to say goodbye to him sooner or later, it might as well be now.
He hangs his head, looks at the ground. “Right.”
She doesn’t know how to do this. Doesn’t know if she should kiss him or hug him or just say goodbye and leave. It’s awkward, and it makes her even more thankful that she doesn’t have to do this with Jack too.
Her arms wrap themselves around him, and his hands are in her hair and on the small of her back and it’s deja vu, like the time she came back from the other side of the island, except this is goodbye instead of hello and that makes it that much sadder. Forgive and forget, she tells herself, and right there, right then, she lets go of their past, all the things wrong with him, with them, and forgives him for all of it. She won’t leave holding grudges. There’s no use.
She tries not to let the tears seep into her voice as she speaks against his chest. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
His chin rests atop her head and he’s showing no signs of letting go, as he tells her, “I won’t.” It just makes her hold onto him tighter, because she doesn’t believe him, and that’s what makes this so much worse. She doesn’t believe that he’ll be okay and she doesn’t believe that she’ll ever see him again, and it’s his choice but that doesn’t make it any easier.
One of these days she knows she’s going to wish she tried harder to change his mind. And it’s going to be too late.
It is too late.
She doesn’t kiss him. She pulls back, reluctantly, and even her smile is sad. She reaches out, her fingertips grazing his arm, something to hold onto, but this is her time to stand on her own, because she’s got to get back in that habit. They aren’t going to be around to do that for her anymore, and she used to be so good at this but that too has been sucked out of her by this place.
“Take care of yourself Sawyer.”
“You too, Freckles.”
She closes her eyes when he calls her that, burns the sound of it into her mind, and forces her feet to walk away from him.
Fandom: Lost
Characters/Pairings: Kate/Sawyer
Word Count: 1,013
Rating: PG
Prompt: #8 - Forgiveness for
12_stories
Spoilers: Up to 4.10 - Something Nice Back Home
Summary: They say these things happen in a blur. That the world tilts on its axis and everything moves so fast that you're left wondering if anything even happened at all. This happens slowly. Painfully slowly.
They say these things happen in a blur. That the world tilts on its axis and everything moves so fast that you’re left wondering if anything even happened at all.
This happens slowly. Painfully slowly.
It’s the process of saying goodbye to everyone. She’s never been good at goodbyes, she intentionally steered clear of them when the raft sailed off. But now, since she’s the one going, she can’t exactly do that.
She almost wishes they’d just taken off sometime during the night, but it wasn’t the right thing to do, not according to the others, and everybody wanted to say goodbye to everyone else. Everybody staying, or at least most of them - well, they thought this was just a temporary goodbye. Kate knew better.
Frank yells that they’ve got one more hour before they’re taking off, and the knot in Kate’s stomach grows as she heads out into the jungle one last time, leaving Aaron with Sun.
She has to think about things like where Aaron is now. He’s her responsibility. A responsibility that she’s ill prepared for, and she’s pretty sure everyone knows that.
“Freckles.”
Kate isn’t surprised that he’s there. She listens to the leaves crunch under his feet, with her back turned, and she can’t decide whether she’s glad he’s here or not.
“Thought you’d be gone by now.”
“We fly in an hour.” She turns to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”
Sawyer shakes his head. “Ain’t enough room anyway.”
He’s right, but that’s not the point. “That isn’t why you’re not coming.”
And it’s not, and they both know that. He lost Claire, and he intends to find her, and Kate gets it but at the same time doesn’t. This is a man who hadn’t cared less about anyone but himself, and perhaps her, and now he’s staying to run off in the jungle and find her. Because he feels guilty. I ain’t got nothing back there for me. She guesses there’s that too.
He only shrugs, not willing to divulge anything more. “Fair enough.”
She supposes all he was doing was pausing, that he had something else to say because his lips moved around soundless words, but after a moment he stops and the silence lingers. It feels like forever before either of them says anything.
“Would you do me a favor?” He forces the words; she can tell he doesn’t want to ask, not really.
She doesn’t even have to think. Even if she doesn’t want to in the end, she’s still curious. “What?”
“I’ve got someone I need you to look up for me.” He digs in his pocket, and for a second she thinks it’s his letter that he’s looking for. What he produces, and hands to her, is much less worn out. She unfolds it, carefully, and finds nothing more than a name and an address. Cassidy Phillips. She doesn’t know why the name feels familiar, nor does she ask. “She might’ve moved.”
Kate nods. “Who is she?”
“Just tell her I ain’t dead.” He says, before she can get the last syllable of her sentence out. It only serves to make her more intrigued.
She’d ask, push for more, but she just doesn’t have the time. She’d rather the last words she says to him not be fighting ones. She doesn’t want to fight; she’s realized too late that it gets them nowhere. So she just tells him, “Alright.”
This time she doesn’t let the silence last too long. “I should get back; make sure they don’t leave without me.”
“Doc won’t let ‘em.” Kate’s not sure if that’s a shot at them or just an offhand comment. From his demeanor it appeared to be the latter.
“Still.” She’s going to have to say goodbye to him sooner or later, it might as well be now.
He hangs his head, looks at the ground. “Right.”
She doesn’t know how to do this. Doesn’t know if she should kiss him or hug him or just say goodbye and leave. It’s awkward, and it makes her even more thankful that she doesn’t have to do this with Jack too.
Her arms wrap themselves around him, and his hands are in her hair and on the small of her back and it’s deja vu, like the time she came back from the other side of the island, except this is goodbye instead of hello and that makes it that much sadder. Forgive and forget, she tells herself, and right there, right then, she lets go of their past, all the things wrong with him, with them, and forgives him for all of it. She won’t leave holding grudges. There’s no use.
She tries not to let the tears seep into her voice as she speaks against his chest. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
His chin rests atop her head and he’s showing no signs of letting go, as he tells her, “I won’t.” It just makes her hold onto him tighter, because she doesn’t believe him, and that’s what makes this so much worse. She doesn’t believe that he’ll be okay and she doesn’t believe that she’ll ever see him again, and it’s his choice but that doesn’t make it any easier.
One of these days she knows she’s going to wish she tried harder to change his mind. And it’s going to be too late.
It is too late.
She doesn’t kiss him. She pulls back, reluctantly, and even her smile is sad. She reaches out, her fingertips grazing his arm, something to hold onto, but this is her time to stand on her own, because she’s got to get back in that habit. They aren’t going to be around to do that for her anymore, and she used to be so good at this but that too has been sucked out of her by this place.
“Take care of yourself Sawyer.”
“You too, Freckles.”
She closes her eyes when he calls her that, burns the sound of it into her mind, and forces her feet to walk away from him.