(no subject)
Title: Recall
Fandom: Lost
Characters/Pairings: Ensemble. Strong hints towards Jack/Kate, and Charlie/Claire, mentions made towards Sawyer/Kate.
Prompt: #96 - Writers Choice for
50_darkfics
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,425
Summary: Post "I Do". It's been three years since the crash, and the Others have dropped off the radar altogether. There was no rescue mission. The survivors are finally settled into a routine. That is, until Jack returns.
Author's Note: Don't let the summary deter you, this isn't just another bad attempt at a 'Jack returns' fic, or at least I hope not. This is the story I've been working at since late December. I put a lot of work into it, and it's probably one of my longest ones to date. I probably would've given up on it however, without the constant nagging of a certain person. You know who you are sweetie, and you know you're partially responsible for it as well. Not that I don't love you to death for it. So anyway, read, enjoy, and leave feedback if you have the chance.
She’ll always remember it was a wash day. Every fifth day was a wash day for her, but this one was an important one, a fact that had little to do with the clothing involved. Later, when she asks John about it, he’ll tell her it was also three years from the day of the crash.
Most of the survivors hated laundry. Claire saw it as a chance to relax, a chance to be by herself. For an hour every few days she had no responsibilities, no obligations. It was just her and the blue waters, calm even though monsoon season was barely a month away. No one bothers her, either too wrapped up in their own lives, or aware of the routine that she’s had in place for as long as most of them can remember.
On this day someone did bother her. Charlie came down the beach towards her, stopping with two feet between them. It wasn’t an easy stroll down the beach either and there was something in the way he moved that told her she needed to listen up to whatever he was about to say.
“Aaron says he saw something in the jungle.” He met her eyes when he spoke. Charlie always watched Aaron on wash days, in fact, to the outside observer, they resembled divorced parents with joint custody. They only spoke when it was concerning Aaron, otherwise they kept their distance. Things hadn’t been good between them in over a year, and she avoided him as much as she could because she knew he still cared for her and their split had been harder on him than it had been for her. He also still cared for her little boy and so she let him spend as much time with Aaron as he wanted.
“Well John and the others are out. Maybe he saw one of them.” Claire didn’t worry as much anymore about mysterious figures in the jungle. They hadn’t seen or heard anything from the Others since Kate and Sawyer’s reappearance, not long after they had been taken. Her son had an overactive imagination. It wasn’t hard to discount his claims somedays.
“Claire I think he would’ve known if it was one of yours. This was someone else.” Charlie seemed nervous, like he’d already made up his mind that whatever it was couldn’t be good.
“Where in the jungle?” She asked with a sigh, holding a shirt up against her chest so she could fold it. She wasn’t convinced that it was a big deal and she treated it accordingly.
“Oh no. It’s one thing when you go out there with Kate, but it’s another thing when you go gallivanting alone.” He warned, old protective instincts kicking up again. She gave him a look that asked the question once more. With a grunt, he pointed to a break in the trees, northwest from where she stood, and she nodded. He opened his mouth to speak but she silenced him.
“There’s nothing out there Charlie.” There was so much confidence in her voice that she sounded nothing like the scared pregnant girl from years ago. She was a different person than she was then. Charlie looked away from her and she packed the clothes up, carrying them with her to drop them off in her shelter, walking off, but not before calling over her shoulder, “Watch him until I get back.”
---
Claire wasn’t in for a long trek. She just wanted to prove to herself that there was really no one out there. Ten minutes into the jungle and she could tell already that she was wrong. Fresh footprints could be seen in the dirt, dampened by the rain from the night before. Locke’s group hadn’t come this way. She took a long breath, and then followed them.
She found him when she pushed through the trees. She nearly screamed, bringing a hand to her mouth just before the sound could make it past her lips. The man in front of her looked confused and disoriented; tired like he hadn’t slept in a long time, yet still steady on his feet. It mirrored his appearance on the day they crashed.
“Jack.”
---
Two and a half weeks after the disappearance of Jack, Kate and Sawyer, the latter two had shown up on the beach. No one knew where Jack was, or if he was even alive, and, when Hurley asked, Claire had watched Kate’s eyes water as she headed away from the welcoming party and down the beach. The woman had sat at the shore’s edge for the remainder of the day, until Sawyer had coaxed her up and into his tent.
John once told her that Sawyer had admitted Jack had stayed behind so they could leave. He wouldn’t say where exactly, just that they shouldn’t go after Jack. Claire could never understand how they could just leave him there. Like he hadn’t done so much for all of them.
She never expected to see him again.
“Jack, what are you…?” she paused, trying to figure out what was going on. How he’d gotten there. Why he was dressed in a suit that was identical to the one he wore the day of the crash. In a quiet voice, she added, “We thought you were dead.”
He looked at her with concentration in his eyes, opening his mouth and closing it only seconds afterwards several times. He was searching for something. It took her a minute to realize he was trying to remember who she was.
“It’s Claire. Remember you saved me the day of the crash.” She reminded him, wondering if he was experiencing the same type of amnesia as she had upon her return. With small reminders things had started to come back to her to a degree. She was hoping that, if he actually had lost some of his memories, there might be a way to trigger them again. Then again, it had been three years; things could just be a little fuzzy for him.
Jack nodded, recognition sweeping over his face. So at least he knew who she was now. That she wasn’t an Other. Suddenly, his eyes jerked back to her, “Aaron. How is he?”
She couldn’t help the smile that came over her face, “He’s fine. He’s with Charlie.” Jack seemed to understand that. He knew who Charlie was, and she was led to believe that his memory remained pretty much intact. Quick assumptions were often proved wrong; she still had yet to learn that. “How did you escape? Sawyer and Kate said there were two islands, that they got back by boat.”
“Who?”
Claire looked up to see the blank stare he fixed her with. “Kate and Sawyer. They were with you…” nothing seemed to click and she felt her stomach drop, all hopes destroyed. “You don’t have any idea who I’m talking about do you?” He shook his head, and it occurred to her that maybe standing in the middle of the jungle like this wasn’t such a fantastic idea. “I think we need to get you back to camp.”
When she grabbed hold of his hand to lead him back, he didn’t resist.
---
It was with some effort that she slipped by unnoticed from the cover of the jungle into her shelter, with the newly returned doctor at her side. From experience she knew the last thing he would want was a big welcoming party, especially with the apparent gaps in his memory. They didn’t need to know he was back. Not yet.
As they’d made their way back to camp she had thought it over. Her only solution to keep everyone from swarming around him was to keep him hidden. Then maybe she could jog his memory. She didn’t want to send him out there for everyone to look at him like there was something wrong with him. Like he would draw the Others to their camp. It was how they’d looked at her upon her return. No one needed that kind of reception. She was doing what felt right, at the moment, in her head.
“You’re going to need to stay here, away from everyone else for a few days.” He looked like he was going to protest but she put on her best mom face. “Trust me it’s not going to be any fun letting everyone know you’re back unless you like interrogations and being treated like an outcast.”
Jack avoided her eyes, as he sat in the corner of the shelter like he was used to it. As soon as he’d stepped inside, surrounded again by four walls, he’d tensed up. She wondered what went on during his imprisonment. What kind of conditions he had been held under. She didn’t ask because she figured it was too soon for that. “Is that how you felt? After you came back. Did you feel like you were an outcast?”
“Yeah,” she admitted, looking through the clothes that she had brought back from the beach earlier. They were all folded now. Best guess, Charlie had finished up what she had started. She shrugged slowly, “I was. I was an outsider. The thing that bonds us all together is the island. Our memories of it. We’ve probably passed each other on the street dozens of times but if it weren’t for this crash we wouldn’t even know one another existed. Without those memories you don’t fit in.”
Shaking his head, he laughed to himself, “That’s reassuring.” She wasn’t used to sarcasm out of him but it was comforting that he seemed to be adjusting at least.
“You wouldn’t have that much of a problem though.” Claire told him, thoughtfully. He did remember some of his time on the island at least. “What do you remember exactly?”
“The crash. I remember waking up in the jungle, and I remember you and Hurley under the wing of the plane. I remember Ethan, when he hung Charlie and kidnapped you. I remember the hatch,” her eyes fell back onto the clothes in front of her, realizing he didn’t know the hatch was long gone. “And I remember every death on this island.” It figured that he would fixate on his failures.
“But you don’t remember Kate and Sawyer?” She tried one more time, and he shook his head, confirming her words. That was one thing she didn’t understand the most. Of all the people on the island they were the two Jack had the most contact with. They were captured together for God’s sake. He should remember them if anyone.
“Should I? I mean is there some particular reason I should know who they are?” He sounded so utterly clueless that she had to take pity on him.
Claire didn’t really know what to tell him. Kate was…there was a time where the thought of the two of them not ending up together seemed ludicrous. Her behavior when she first came back went along the same lines. She wanted to go after him, Claire could tell, but she didn’t know how to go about it without getting them both killed. Kate and Sawyer may have been together off and on for the past few years but sometimes she could see Kate blank out when she was with him. Like she wasn’t really seeing him. And Sawyer seemed to be Jack’s worst enemy one day and his friend the next. They had a love/hate thing going that she couldn’t really put into words.
A part of her thought telling him all that at once might be too much. Especially because none of it was concrete; most of it was just keen observation. It was risky to tell him about his relationship with Kate now that she was with Sawyer. If it triggered his memory…Claire didn’t want to be responsible for bringing the green eyed monster out to play.
“You just,” she paused, trying to convey her meaning as well as possible, “You were close with both of them. When the Others took you captive,” he winced but she continued on, “they took them too. They escaped not long after.” She left out the part about Jack cutting a deal with the Others to allow Kate and Sawyer to escape, because it was all word of mouth.
He frowned, his brows knitting together in frustration. “Then why don’t I remember them? It doesn’t even seem familiar to me.” He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, both an effort to clear his mind and a sign that he was tired. She wasn’t surprised by the latter. She could only imagine what he’d been through to get back here. “How can I just forget people?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, wishing she had a better answer to give him. “Why don’t you try and sleep on it. Maybe some of it will start to come back to you.” She said, even though she doubted her own words. It didn’t work that way. But she guessed Jack was exhausted enough to buy it since he nodded in agreement. “I’ve got to go find Aaron but I’ll be back in a little while.”
“Alright.” He replied, stretching out and resting his head up against one of the bags she had shoved away. She got the impression that he could pretty much sleep anywhere at this point. His eyes closed easily and she knew he’d be out in mere minutes.
She rose to leave, stopping and turning back to him with a warning. “Don’t go anywhere okay. We’ll let everyone know you’re back when we’ve sorted out your memories. When you’re ready.”
“Yes ma’am,” he muttered, a small smile on his lips, eyes still closed. She had to smile to herself just a little bit as she left.
---
“Charlie!” She shouted, thirty feet from where he sat with his guitar, still in good condition despite the island, strumming away like he didn’t have a care in the world. Charlie went somewhere when he had guitar in his hands and it usually took quite a bit of prodding to bring him back to reality. He could carry on a whole conversation and not hear anything that was being said. Not enough to recount it later anyway.
His hand snapped her way, and his fingers stilled. “Claire. I didn’t even know you were back.” He set the guitar down and stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Did you find anything?”
She briefly considered telling him. It would be a good idea to let someone else in on this whole secret. Of course it would help if said person could keep their mouth shut. That alone immediately knocked Charlie out of the running. She would deal with that later. For now she would lie. “No, I didn’t. Which is exactly what I told you. He was probably just making up stories to see if you’d believe him.” It surprised her how easily the words fell from her lips. It shouldn’t be this easy to lie to him. She caught the relief on his face. “Where’s Aaron?”
“Oh, he’s napping in there,” he nodded to the shelter they stood outside of. “I managed to tire out the little bugger. Finally.” In all honesty it seemed to have worked both ways. Aaron had just given in quicker.
“Do you think you could keep an eye on him for a little longer today? I’ve got some things to do.” She propositioned, setting him up a bit. “He likes you anyway and if he’s as tired out as you say then he shouldn’t be too much trouble. I hate to ask you but -”
Charlie held up a hand, “Claire, if it’s alone time you’re after you can just say so. I don’t mind. We all need a break now and then, and most of us aren’t loaded down with as much responsibility as you. He can stay the night if you need.”
He took the bait. She smiled, a little at herself, a little at him. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem luv.” The term of endearment slipped in there and she noticed it even if he didn’t. She bit her lip, but shook it off. He did that with a lot of the females here anyway. It didn’t mean anything.
She turned to start off back to her shelter, when she looked back at him, “Oh and Charlie.” He looked up, raising an eyebrow. “The laundry was a nice touch. Who knew you could fold better than I can.” If she had been looking she would’ve seen him blush crimson at her retreating form.
---
She was there when he awoke, curled up on an airline seat, with a book she had taken from Sawyer’s stash. He had pack-ratted a lot of the books from the hatch before it blew up. Since then she had been slowly working her way through the books she hadn’t read before. It passed time, something they had a lot of on this island.
“That one’s from the hatch isn’t it?” He observed, and she put the book down on the ground next to her, nodding her head. “I remember reading it when I was down there taking care of…” he trailed off, having to search his mind for the name, “I can’t even remember who it was.”
“Sawyer,” she told him, noting that at least he’d recalled the situation. “Sawyer got shot by the Others. You fixed him. Do you remember that?”
He furrowed his brow, sitting up and nodding his head slowly. “I think so. He was delirious, and it didn’t look like he was going to make it for a while.” Jack looked up at her, as if he had no idea where this was all coming from.
A smile tugged at her lips, “Yeah. That’s good. See some of it’s starting to come back. Is there anything else you can remember?”
Solemnly he shook his head. “No.” Disappointment shot through her, but not surprise. “I don’t understand it. Memory loss is usually caused by head trauma but I don’t have any injuries. And it’s isolated which makes even less sense.”
“Did the Others drug you? They used to shoot me up with a bunch of stuff. A vaccine or something.” She asked, recalling the various needles she had been prodded with during her short stay with them.
“No. But they took blood from me a few times. Never really told me why other than they were running tests.” She located the bandage on the inside of his elbow, deducing that they must have taken it recently. Thinking back she had seen something similar on Kate after her homecoming. Not on Sawyer though.
“Tests for what?” She asked. He shrugged his answer. Even if he knew he wasn’t about to share and so she moved on to her next question. “How did you escape?”
A dark look passed over his features and she could tell there was a reason he had been skirting the issue. They hadn’t just set him free; he had to have done something to escape. Whatever it was it wasn’t anything particularly pleasant. She wondered who he had killed to gain his freedom. Claire didn’t get a chance to find out, interrupted by the commotion that started up outside. She could make out Sayid’s voice and she realized the group that had gone out earlier in the day had probably come back.
“I’ll be right back. John’s group is back.” She lifted the tarp she used as a door slightly to peek out at the scene playing out not too far outside, before looking back at him. He gave a silent nod that confirmed he wasn’t going anywhere and she walked out quickly, making her way across the sand.
A small group had gathered, including Hurley and Desmond, around the newly returned survivors, back from their latest jungle expedition. Upon closer examination she noticed that they were minus two people. Locke, Sayid, Kate, and Sawyer had all gone into the jungle, but only the former two stood before her. She searched the beach for them but when she came up empty she felt her chest tighten, fearing the worst.
“You guys are back early,” Nikki said, and Claire saw her push her way toward the front of the group. Ever since Locke had made the mistake of letting her go searching for Eko with him and a few others she always wanted to be involved. She hadn’t yet accepted that she wasn’t part of the island’s own personal A-Team. Claire could tell it irritated Sayid, though it didn’t seem to bother Locke all that much. Every time Nikki wanted to come along there was an uneasy conversation between the two, that dangled on the edge of all out fight. “What happened?”
“John claims it’s going to storm soon. He thought perhaps we should come back to camp to avoid getting caught in the storm.” Sayid looked over at Locke cautiously. The man always knew when it was going to rain. Always. It wasn’t something anyone could really explain other than saying he was very attuned to nature.
“What happened to Kate and Sawyer?” Claire caught Locke’s eye when she asked, knowing he would give her an answer.
“Kate chose not to take my advice and stay behind instead. She figures we were out too far to turn back. Sawyer elected to stay behind with her. Make sure she stays out of trouble.” Locke didn’t sound especially surprised by this, as well he shouldn’t be. Kate defied his authority every chance she got, mostly since he had taken over Jack’s place in the island’s social hierarchy. There was resentment there, even though Locke hadn’t really done anything wrong. She’d hate to see what would go on between Locke and Jack once Jack got back on his feet.
---
When the group dispersed and the camp calmed Claire trailed after Locke, as he headed back to his own shelter. She didn’t know much about memory loss other than what Libby had told her. Most of that she didn’t even remember. She needed someone who might know more on the subject than she did.
“John, do you have a moment?” She asked, catching up with him as he came to a stop by the sturdy structure he’d built over a year ago.
He turned to face her and set his backpack down, starting to unload it. “Of course. What can I help you with Claire?” She watched him take out several hunting knives and place them back in the same case they’d been in since before the crash. It stopped unnerving her and started making her feel more comfortable in camp, knowing there were people there that were more than capable of defending the camp if need be.
“What do you know about memory loss?” The way he looked over at her, cautiously, made it hard for her to keep her eyes level with his instead of on the ground under her feet.
“I thought your memories had come back awhile ago.” He replied, clicking the locks on the case shut and putting it inside his shelter. They were three digit combinations that only he knew so he wasn’t normally all that worried about where he left the case.
“Well they did. I mean mostly anyway. I just -” she stumbled her way through the sentence, stopping to collect herself. It was hard to come up with a valid excuse that didn’t seem suspicious. “I just want to know what caused me to lose them in the first place.”
He contemplated that for a moment, leaning up against a tree with arms crossed over his chest. “Why are you asking me this?”
She shrugged. “You always seem to know something about everything.” Claire wasn’t really sure why she’d gone to him. He just seemed to be the authority on all things weird. Plus, even if he questioned her motives, he would inform the entire camp of her queries like some others might.
Locke mulled that over, and then nodded his head slowly. “It could be caused by any number of things. Given the trauma that must have occurred, being kidnapped after all of this - the crash, not to mention your pregnancy - I wouldn’t be surprised if it was simply repression.”
“That’s like making yourself forget stuff right?” She tried.
“Not exactly. It’s not a conscious decision. It’s essentially a defense mechanism that eventually backfires. People have been known to repress memories as a form of denial. Sometimes it’s a way of dealing with loss of a loved one. Sometimes it’s a horrific event that occurred at childhood - abuse or even seeing something you shouldn’t. Other times it’s a way of ridding the mind of something it just can’t handle.”
Claire tried to think of a way to relate it back to Jack. She couldn’t without knowing what happened to him in the Others camp, not fully. But it made sense now, that he would forget the two of them. Whatever had happened to them in captivity, whatever had kept Sawyer and Kate quiet all these years, was traumatic enough to make Jack forget. Or try to anyway.
“The memories usually crop back up with time,” he continued, “usually after triggered by some small detail reminiscent of the event. I believe when Aaron get sick you remembered the vaccine they had given you. That led to a recovery of your memories. At least partially. When they do it can affect the person at a higher level then it did with you. Some are plagued with flashbacks of the event or events that were repressed.” He was starting to sound like a textbook. He knew far too much on the subject. Not that she was about to complain. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
“How long usually before they come back on their own?” Jack seemed to be gaining back some of his memories, or at least connecting things when it came to Sawyer, but it was forced.
“Sometimes days. Months. A man was convicted of a murder that happened twenty years prior based on testimony given by a witness who’d repressed memories of the murder since childhood. It all depends on whether the person is willing to open themselves up. If they want to remember. They mind has to be ready.” He paused, shifting his weight and getting that curious look on his face again. “So, what is this really about?”
Her eyes darted up, widening slightly against her will. Still, she continued with her lie, hoping to avoid a confrontation. “I told you. I wanted to know why I lost my memory. No one ever really explained that to me. Or at least not as well as you just did.”
She knew by the way his eyes narrowed, nearly undetectably, that he didn’t believe her. And really she hadn’t expected him to. He was much too smart for that. What she did expect was for him to leave it alone for the time being. She would just have to be wary around him until this whole thing with Jack was over and done with. It was worth it in the end if she got the information she needed. When he didn’t reply she took it as her cue to leave.
“Well thanks a lot. You’ve been a lot of help. But I’ve got to get back to Aaron. He should be up from his nap soon and you know how he is.” It was a half-truth. Aaron would be waking from his nap soon but she wouldn’t be there when he did. She wasn’t going back to Jack either. No, Claire had other errands to run first.
As she turned on her heel, on her way in the general direction of where she knew her son lay sleeping, planning to change routes once his piercing stare was off her, she heard him call out to her. “Whatever it is that you’re keeping secret,” she froze, “it would be wise to tell someone about it.”
She threw a glance back at him over her shoulder. She wanted to tell him that really she wasn’t keeping secrets. She just wanted to know. But she couldn’t force the words past her lips. There was no point in them. They would just be more chances for him to try and get the truth out of her. He was manipulative, sneaky, and new how to spin a person’s words just enough to get them to spill the whole truth as they tried to defend and correct. She needed out of this conversation. So she kept walking and didn’t answer at all.
Part 2
Fandom: Lost
Characters/Pairings: Ensemble. Strong hints towards Jack/Kate, and Charlie/Claire, mentions made towards Sawyer/Kate.
Prompt: #96 - Writers Choice for
50_darkfics
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,425
Summary: Post "I Do". It's been three years since the crash, and the Others have dropped off the radar altogether. There was no rescue mission. The survivors are finally settled into a routine. That is, until Jack returns.
Author's Note: Don't let the summary deter you, this isn't just another bad attempt at a 'Jack returns' fic, or at least I hope not. This is the story I've been working at since late December. I put a lot of work into it, and it's probably one of my longest ones to date. I probably would've given up on it however, without the constant nagging of a certain person. You know who you are sweetie, and you know you're partially responsible for it as well. Not that I don't love you to death for it. So anyway, read, enjoy, and leave feedback if you have the chance.
She’ll always remember it was a wash day. Every fifth day was a wash day for her, but this one was an important one, a fact that had little to do with the clothing involved. Later, when she asks John about it, he’ll tell her it was also three years from the day of the crash.
Most of the survivors hated laundry. Claire saw it as a chance to relax, a chance to be by herself. For an hour every few days she had no responsibilities, no obligations. It was just her and the blue waters, calm even though monsoon season was barely a month away. No one bothers her, either too wrapped up in their own lives, or aware of the routine that she’s had in place for as long as most of them can remember.
On this day someone did bother her. Charlie came down the beach towards her, stopping with two feet between them. It wasn’t an easy stroll down the beach either and there was something in the way he moved that told her she needed to listen up to whatever he was about to say.
“Aaron says he saw something in the jungle.” He met her eyes when he spoke. Charlie always watched Aaron on wash days, in fact, to the outside observer, they resembled divorced parents with joint custody. They only spoke when it was concerning Aaron, otherwise they kept their distance. Things hadn’t been good between them in over a year, and she avoided him as much as she could because she knew he still cared for her and their split had been harder on him than it had been for her. He also still cared for her little boy and so she let him spend as much time with Aaron as he wanted.
“Well John and the others are out. Maybe he saw one of them.” Claire didn’t worry as much anymore about mysterious figures in the jungle. They hadn’t seen or heard anything from the Others since Kate and Sawyer’s reappearance, not long after they had been taken. Her son had an overactive imagination. It wasn’t hard to discount his claims somedays.
“Claire I think he would’ve known if it was one of yours. This was someone else.” Charlie seemed nervous, like he’d already made up his mind that whatever it was couldn’t be good.
“Where in the jungle?” She asked with a sigh, holding a shirt up against her chest so she could fold it. She wasn’t convinced that it was a big deal and she treated it accordingly.
“Oh no. It’s one thing when you go out there with Kate, but it’s another thing when you go gallivanting alone.” He warned, old protective instincts kicking up again. She gave him a look that asked the question once more. With a grunt, he pointed to a break in the trees, northwest from where she stood, and she nodded. He opened his mouth to speak but she silenced him.
“There’s nothing out there Charlie.” There was so much confidence in her voice that she sounded nothing like the scared pregnant girl from years ago. She was a different person than she was then. Charlie looked away from her and she packed the clothes up, carrying them with her to drop them off in her shelter, walking off, but not before calling over her shoulder, “Watch him until I get back.”
---
Claire wasn’t in for a long trek. She just wanted to prove to herself that there was really no one out there. Ten minutes into the jungle and she could tell already that she was wrong. Fresh footprints could be seen in the dirt, dampened by the rain from the night before. Locke’s group hadn’t come this way. She took a long breath, and then followed them.
She found him when she pushed through the trees. She nearly screamed, bringing a hand to her mouth just before the sound could make it past her lips. The man in front of her looked confused and disoriented; tired like he hadn’t slept in a long time, yet still steady on his feet. It mirrored his appearance on the day they crashed.
“Jack.”
---
Two and a half weeks after the disappearance of Jack, Kate and Sawyer, the latter two had shown up on the beach. No one knew where Jack was, or if he was even alive, and, when Hurley asked, Claire had watched Kate’s eyes water as she headed away from the welcoming party and down the beach. The woman had sat at the shore’s edge for the remainder of the day, until Sawyer had coaxed her up and into his tent.
John once told her that Sawyer had admitted Jack had stayed behind so they could leave. He wouldn’t say where exactly, just that they shouldn’t go after Jack. Claire could never understand how they could just leave him there. Like he hadn’t done so much for all of them.
She never expected to see him again.
“Jack, what are you…?” she paused, trying to figure out what was going on. How he’d gotten there. Why he was dressed in a suit that was identical to the one he wore the day of the crash. In a quiet voice, she added, “We thought you were dead.”
He looked at her with concentration in his eyes, opening his mouth and closing it only seconds afterwards several times. He was searching for something. It took her a minute to realize he was trying to remember who she was.
“It’s Claire. Remember you saved me the day of the crash.” She reminded him, wondering if he was experiencing the same type of amnesia as she had upon her return. With small reminders things had started to come back to her to a degree. She was hoping that, if he actually had lost some of his memories, there might be a way to trigger them again. Then again, it had been three years; things could just be a little fuzzy for him.
Jack nodded, recognition sweeping over his face. So at least he knew who she was now. That she wasn’t an Other. Suddenly, his eyes jerked back to her, “Aaron. How is he?”
She couldn’t help the smile that came over her face, “He’s fine. He’s with Charlie.” Jack seemed to understand that. He knew who Charlie was, and she was led to believe that his memory remained pretty much intact. Quick assumptions were often proved wrong; she still had yet to learn that. “How did you escape? Sawyer and Kate said there were two islands, that they got back by boat.”
“Who?”
Claire looked up to see the blank stare he fixed her with. “Kate and Sawyer. They were with you…” nothing seemed to click and she felt her stomach drop, all hopes destroyed. “You don’t have any idea who I’m talking about do you?” He shook his head, and it occurred to her that maybe standing in the middle of the jungle like this wasn’t such a fantastic idea. “I think we need to get you back to camp.”
When she grabbed hold of his hand to lead him back, he didn’t resist.
---
It was with some effort that she slipped by unnoticed from the cover of the jungle into her shelter, with the newly returned doctor at her side. From experience she knew the last thing he would want was a big welcoming party, especially with the apparent gaps in his memory. They didn’t need to know he was back. Not yet.
As they’d made their way back to camp she had thought it over. Her only solution to keep everyone from swarming around him was to keep him hidden. Then maybe she could jog his memory. She didn’t want to send him out there for everyone to look at him like there was something wrong with him. Like he would draw the Others to their camp. It was how they’d looked at her upon her return. No one needed that kind of reception. She was doing what felt right, at the moment, in her head.
“You’re going to need to stay here, away from everyone else for a few days.” He looked like he was going to protest but she put on her best mom face. “Trust me it’s not going to be any fun letting everyone know you’re back unless you like interrogations and being treated like an outcast.”
Jack avoided her eyes, as he sat in the corner of the shelter like he was used to it. As soon as he’d stepped inside, surrounded again by four walls, he’d tensed up. She wondered what went on during his imprisonment. What kind of conditions he had been held under. She didn’t ask because she figured it was too soon for that. “Is that how you felt? After you came back. Did you feel like you were an outcast?”
“Yeah,” she admitted, looking through the clothes that she had brought back from the beach earlier. They were all folded now. Best guess, Charlie had finished up what she had started. She shrugged slowly, “I was. I was an outsider. The thing that bonds us all together is the island. Our memories of it. We’ve probably passed each other on the street dozens of times but if it weren’t for this crash we wouldn’t even know one another existed. Without those memories you don’t fit in.”
Shaking his head, he laughed to himself, “That’s reassuring.” She wasn’t used to sarcasm out of him but it was comforting that he seemed to be adjusting at least.
“You wouldn’t have that much of a problem though.” Claire told him, thoughtfully. He did remember some of his time on the island at least. “What do you remember exactly?”
“The crash. I remember waking up in the jungle, and I remember you and Hurley under the wing of the plane. I remember Ethan, when he hung Charlie and kidnapped you. I remember the hatch,” her eyes fell back onto the clothes in front of her, realizing he didn’t know the hatch was long gone. “And I remember every death on this island.” It figured that he would fixate on his failures.
“But you don’t remember Kate and Sawyer?” She tried one more time, and he shook his head, confirming her words. That was one thing she didn’t understand the most. Of all the people on the island they were the two Jack had the most contact with. They were captured together for God’s sake. He should remember them if anyone.
“Should I? I mean is there some particular reason I should know who they are?” He sounded so utterly clueless that she had to take pity on him.
Claire didn’t really know what to tell him. Kate was…there was a time where the thought of the two of them not ending up together seemed ludicrous. Her behavior when she first came back went along the same lines. She wanted to go after him, Claire could tell, but she didn’t know how to go about it without getting them both killed. Kate and Sawyer may have been together off and on for the past few years but sometimes she could see Kate blank out when she was with him. Like she wasn’t really seeing him. And Sawyer seemed to be Jack’s worst enemy one day and his friend the next. They had a love/hate thing going that she couldn’t really put into words.
A part of her thought telling him all that at once might be too much. Especially because none of it was concrete; most of it was just keen observation. It was risky to tell him about his relationship with Kate now that she was with Sawyer. If it triggered his memory…Claire didn’t want to be responsible for bringing the green eyed monster out to play.
“You just,” she paused, trying to convey her meaning as well as possible, “You were close with both of them. When the Others took you captive,” he winced but she continued on, “they took them too. They escaped not long after.” She left out the part about Jack cutting a deal with the Others to allow Kate and Sawyer to escape, because it was all word of mouth.
He frowned, his brows knitting together in frustration. “Then why don’t I remember them? It doesn’t even seem familiar to me.” He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, both an effort to clear his mind and a sign that he was tired. She wasn’t surprised by the latter. She could only imagine what he’d been through to get back here. “How can I just forget people?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, wishing she had a better answer to give him. “Why don’t you try and sleep on it. Maybe some of it will start to come back to you.” She said, even though she doubted her own words. It didn’t work that way. But she guessed Jack was exhausted enough to buy it since he nodded in agreement. “I’ve got to go find Aaron but I’ll be back in a little while.”
“Alright.” He replied, stretching out and resting his head up against one of the bags she had shoved away. She got the impression that he could pretty much sleep anywhere at this point. His eyes closed easily and she knew he’d be out in mere minutes.
She rose to leave, stopping and turning back to him with a warning. “Don’t go anywhere okay. We’ll let everyone know you’re back when we’ve sorted out your memories. When you’re ready.”
“Yes ma’am,” he muttered, a small smile on his lips, eyes still closed. She had to smile to herself just a little bit as she left.
---
“Charlie!” She shouted, thirty feet from where he sat with his guitar, still in good condition despite the island, strumming away like he didn’t have a care in the world. Charlie went somewhere when he had guitar in his hands and it usually took quite a bit of prodding to bring him back to reality. He could carry on a whole conversation and not hear anything that was being said. Not enough to recount it later anyway.
His hand snapped her way, and his fingers stilled. “Claire. I didn’t even know you were back.” He set the guitar down and stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Did you find anything?”
She briefly considered telling him. It would be a good idea to let someone else in on this whole secret. Of course it would help if said person could keep their mouth shut. That alone immediately knocked Charlie out of the running. She would deal with that later. For now she would lie. “No, I didn’t. Which is exactly what I told you. He was probably just making up stories to see if you’d believe him.” It surprised her how easily the words fell from her lips. It shouldn’t be this easy to lie to him. She caught the relief on his face. “Where’s Aaron?”
“Oh, he’s napping in there,” he nodded to the shelter they stood outside of. “I managed to tire out the little bugger. Finally.” In all honesty it seemed to have worked both ways. Aaron had just given in quicker.
“Do you think you could keep an eye on him for a little longer today? I’ve got some things to do.” She propositioned, setting him up a bit. “He likes you anyway and if he’s as tired out as you say then he shouldn’t be too much trouble. I hate to ask you but -”
Charlie held up a hand, “Claire, if it’s alone time you’re after you can just say so. I don’t mind. We all need a break now and then, and most of us aren’t loaded down with as much responsibility as you. He can stay the night if you need.”
He took the bait. She smiled, a little at herself, a little at him. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem luv.” The term of endearment slipped in there and she noticed it even if he didn’t. She bit her lip, but shook it off. He did that with a lot of the females here anyway. It didn’t mean anything.
She turned to start off back to her shelter, when she looked back at him, “Oh and Charlie.” He looked up, raising an eyebrow. “The laundry was a nice touch. Who knew you could fold better than I can.” If she had been looking she would’ve seen him blush crimson at her retreating form.
---
She was there when he awoke, curled up on an airline seat, with a book she had taken from Sawyer’s stash. He had pack-ratted a lot of the books from the hatch before it blew up. Since then she had been slowly working her way through the books she hadn’t read before. It passed time, something they had a lot of on this island.
“That one’s from the hatch isn’t it?” He observed, and she put the book down on the ground next to her, nodding her head. “I remember reading it when I was down there taking care of…” he trailed off, having to search his mind for the name, “I can’t even remember who it was.”
“Sawyer,” she told him, noting that at least he’d recalled the situation. “Sawyer got shot by the Others. You fixed him. Do you remember that?”
He furrowed his brow, sitting up and nodding his head slowly. “I think so. He was delirious, and it didn’t look like he was going to make it for a while.” Jack looked up at her, as if he had no idea where this was all coming from.
A smile tugged at her lips, “Yeah. That’s good. See some of it’s starting to come back. Is there anything else you can remember?”
Solemnly he shook his head. “No.” Disappointment shot through her, but not surprise. “I don’t understand it. Memory loss is usually caused by head trauma but I don’t have any injuries. And it’s isolated which makes even less sense.”
“Did the Others drug you? They used to shoot me up with a bunch of stuff. A vaccine or something.” She asked, recalling the various needles she had been prodded with during her short stay with them.
“No. But they took blood from me a few times. Never really told me why other than they were running tests.” She located the bandage on the inside of his elbow, deducing that they must have taken it recently. Thinking back she had seen something similar on Kate after her homecoming. Not on Sawyer though.
“Tests for what?” She asked. He shrugged his answer. Even if he knew he wasn’t about to share and so she moved on to her next question. “How did you escape?”
A dark look passed over his features and she could tell there was a reason he had been skirting the issue. They hadn’t just set him free; he had to have done something to escape. Whatever it was it wasn’t anything particularly pleasant. She wondered who he had killed to gain his freedom. Claire didn’t get a chance to find out, interrupted by the commotion that started up outside. She could make out Sayid’s voice and she realized the group that had gone out earlier in the day had probably come back.
“I’ll be right back. John’s group is back.” She lifted the tarp she used as a door slightly to peek out at the scene playing out not too far outside, before looking back at him. He gave a silent nod that confirmed he wasn’t going anywhere and she walked out quickly, making her way across the sand.
A small group had gathered, including Hurley and Desmond, around the newly returned survivors, back from their latest jungle expedition. Upon closer examination she noticed that they were minus two people. Locke, Sayid, Kate, and Sawyer had all gone into the jungle, but only the former two stood before her. She searched the beach for them but when she came up empty she felt her chest tighten, fearing the worst.
“You guys are back early,” Nikki said, and Claire saw her push her way toward the front of the group. Ever since Locke had made the mistake of letting her go searching for Eko with him and a few others she always wanted to be involved. She hadn’t yet accepted that she wasn’t part of the island’s own personal A-Team. Claire could tell it irritated Sayid, though it didn’t seem to bother Locke all that much. Every time Nikki wanted to come along there was an uneasy conversation between the two, that dangled on the edge of all out fight. “What happened?”
“John claims it’s going to storm soon. He thought perhaps we should come back to camp to avoid getting caught in the storm.” Sayid looked over at Locke cautiously. The man always knew when it was going to rain. Always. It wasn’t something anyone could really explain other than saying he was very attuned to nature.
“What happened to Kate and Sawyer?” Claire caught Locke’s eye when she asked, knowing he would give her an answer.
“Kate chose not to take my advice and stay behind instead. She figures we were out too far to turn back. Sawyer elected to stay behind with her. Make sure she stays out of trouble.” Locke didn’t sound especially surprised by this, as well he shouldn’t be. Kate defied his authority every chance she got, mostly since he had taken over Jack’s place in the island’s social hierarchy. There was resentment there, even though Locke hadn’t really done anything wrong. She’d hate to see what would go on between Locke and Jack once Jack got back on his feet.
---
When the group dispersed and the camp calmed Claire trailed after Locke, as he headed back to his own shelter. She didn’t know much about memory loss other than what Libby had told her. Most of that she didn’t even remember. She needed someone who might know more on the subject than she did.
“John, do you have a moment?” She asked, catching up with him as he came to a stop by the sturdy structure he’d built over a year ago.
He turned to face her and set his backpack down, starting to unload it. “Of course. What can I help you with Claire?” She watched him take out several hunting knives and place them back in the same case they’d been in since before the crash. It stopped unnerving her and started making her feel more comfortable in camp, knowing there were people there that were more than capable of defending the camp if need be.
“What do you know about memory loss?” The way he looked over at her, cautiously, made it hard for her to keep her eyes level with his instead of on the ground under her feet.
“I thought your memories had come back awhile ago.” He replied, clicking the locks on the case shut and putting it inside his shelter. They were three digit combinations that only he knew so he wasn’t normally all that worried about where he left the case.
“Well they did. I mean mostly anyway. I just -” she stumbled her way through the sentence, stopping to collect herself. It was hard to come up with a valid excuse that didn’t seem suspicious. “I just want to know what caused me to lose them in the first place.”
He contemplated that for a moment, leaning up against a tree with arms crossed over his chest. “Why are you asking me this?”
She shrugged. “You always seem to know something about everything.” Claire wasn’t really sure why she’d gone to him. He just seemed to be the authority on all things weird. Plus, even if he questioned her motives, he would inform the entire camp of her queries like some others might.
Locke mulled that over, and then nodded his head slowly. “It could be caused by any number of things. Given the trauma that must have occurred, being kidnapped after all of this - the crash, not to mention your pregnancy - I wouldn’t be surprised if it was simply repression.”
“That’s like making yourself forget stuff right?” She tried.
“Not exactly. It’s not a conscious decision. It’s essentially a defense mechanism that eventually backfires. People have been known to repress memories as a form of denial. Sometimes it’s a way of dealing with loss of a loved one. Sometimes it’s a horrific event that occurred at childhood - abuse or even seeing something you shouldn’t. Other times it’s a way of ridding the mind of something it just can’t handle.”
Claire tried to think of a way to relate it back to Jack. She couldn’t without knowing what happened to him in the Others camp, not fully. But it made sense now, that he would forget the two of them. Whatever had happened to them in captivity, whatever had kept Sawyer and Kate quiet all these years, was traumatic enough to make Jack forget. Or try to anyway.
“The memories usually crop back up with time,” he continued, “usually after triggered by some small detail reminiscent of the event. I believe when Aaron get sick you remembered the vaccine they had given you. That led to a recovery of your memories. At least partially. When they do it can affect the person at a higher level then it did with you. Some are plagued with flashbacks of the event or events that were repressed.” He was starting to sound like a textbook. He knew far too much on the subject. Not that she was about to complain. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
“How long usually before they come back on their own?” Jack seemed to be gaining back some of his memories, or at least connecting things when it came to Sawyer, but it was forced.
“Sometimes days. Months. A man was convicted of a murder that happened twenty years prior based on testimony given by a witness who’d repressed memories of the murder since childhood. It all depends on whether the person is willing to open themselves up. If they want to remember. They mind has to be ready.” He paused, shifting his weight and getting that curious look on his face again. “So, what is this really about?”
Her eyes darted up, widening slightly against her will. Still, she continued with her lie, hoping to avoid a confrontation. “I told you. I wanted to know why I lost my memory. No one ever really explained that to me. Or at least not as well as you just did.”
She knew by the way his eyes narrowed, nearly undetectably, that he didn’t believe her. And really she hadn’t expected him to. He was much too smart for that. What she did expect was for him to leave it alone for the time being. She would just have to be wary around him until this whole thing with Jack was over and done with. It was worth it in the end if she got the information she needed. When he didn’t reply she took it as her cue to leave.
“Well thanks a lot. You’ve been a lot of help. But I’ve got to get back to Aaron. He should be up from his nap soon and you know how he is.” It was a half-truth. Aaron would be waking from his nap soon but she wouldn’t be there when he did. She wasn’t going back to Jack either. No, Claire had other errands to run first.
As she turned on her heel, on her way in the general direction of where she knew her son lay sleeping, planning to change routes once his piercing stare was off her, she heard him call out to her. “Whatever it is that you’re keeping secret,” she froze, “it would be wise to tell someone about it.”
She threw a glance back at him over her shoulder. She wanted to tell him that really she wasn’t keeping secrets. She just wanted to know. But she couldn’t force the words past her lips. There was no point in them. They would just be more chances for him to try and get the truth out of her. He was manipulative, sneaky, and new how to spin a person’s words just enough to get them to spill the whole truth as they tried to defend and correct. She needed out of this conversation. So she kept walking and didn’t answer at all.
Part 2