(no subject)
"You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in..."
Sometimes I think it would be easier just to dissapear. The lack of people who I think really care about my existence is limited and I don't even think that I really care that I'm here myself.
I don't have drive, I don't have passion and I don't really care that I don't either. Right now I just wanna curl up under a rock and cry because nothing else really has a point.
So I think the downward spirial started last week. Don't remember why, don't really care, but all I know is that I feel awful.
I want to give up, I just want to admit defeat.
I think I want to become the person my mother always said I'd be-- useless and needy, a girl who is totally selfish and only thinks of herself who can't do anything on her own... the list goes on and on and on.
I feel like anything thing I do is never good enough. I dissapoint myself by not achieving my insane goals that I just quit trying. Everyday is such a struggle to get through and I just can't do it anymore.
I wanna move back home, but I can't.
My mother hates me with every fiber of her being. I know she does-- she only cares when I do something to make HER look bad. And after 10 years of getting dumped on for the most asisine things and being ridiculed for existing I'm done. I can't live in that house, if I thought it was slowly killing me before I'd probably hang myself now.
But still there's this little nagging voice in my head that says maybe I am worthless. Maybe the world would be better off if I didn't live in it anymore.
I haven't thought of killing myself in about 6 years and all those feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness have come back and I'm honestly considering it.
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I wish everything would just go away. I have a family that doesn't understand me, therefore they distance themselves from me and all my real friends are in a town that's 400 miles away with lives of their own.
I think me coming to Santa Cruz was a mistake sometimes. Perhaps I would have been better off at home. Maybe I could have ignored my mom better and living with her would have been more tolerable.
But was it so wrong for me to at least try and be happy? Why is that everytime I think I have a handle on things everything falls apart? I never asked for this. I never asked to be born, and I sure as hell didn't ask for this life. I want better for myself, but I don't know how to achieve that. I want lasting happiness and peace-- I don't wanna hate myself anymore. I wanna love, I wanna be loved.
I just want to be free.... but why is that so fucking hard for me to do? Why can't I be happy? Even for a little bit without everything going to hell....
Sometimes I think it would be easier just to dissapear. The lack of people who I think really care about my existence is limited and I don't even think that I really care that I'm here myself.
I don't have drive, I don't have passion and I don't really care that I don't either. Right now I just wanna curl up under a rock and cry because nothing else really has a point.
So I think the downward spirial started last week. Don't remember why, don't really care, but all I know is that I feel awful.
I want to give up, I just want to admit defeat.
I think I want to become the person my mother always said I'd be-- useless and needy, a girl who is totally selfish and only thinks of herself who can't do anything on her own... the list goes on and on and on.
I feel like anything thing I do is never good enough. I dissapoint myself by not achieving my insane goals that I just quit trying. Everyday is such a struggle to get through and I just can't do it anymore.
I wanna move back home, but I can't.
My mother hates me with every fiber of her being. I know she does-- she only cares when I do something to make HER look bad. And after 10 years of getting dumped on for the most asisine things and being ridiculed for existing I'm done. I can't live in that house, if I thought it was slowly killing me before I'd probably hang myself now.
But still there's this little nagging voice in my head that says maybe I am worthless. Maybe the world would be better off if I didn't live in it anymore.
I haven't thought of killing myself in about 6 years and all those feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness have come back and I'm honestly considering it.
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I wish everything would just go away. I have a family that doesn't understand me, therefore they distance themselves from me and all my real friends are in a town that's 400 miles away with lives of their own.
I think me coming to Santa Cruz was a mistake sometimes. Perhaps I would have been better off at home. Maybe I could have ignored my mom better and living with her would have been more tolerable.
But was it so wrong for me to at least try and be happy? Why is that everytime I think I have a handle on things everything falls apart? I never asked for this. I never asked to be born, and I sure as hell didn't ask for this life. I want better for myself, but I don't know how to achieve that. I want lasting happiness and peace-- I don't wanna hate myself anymore. I wanna love, I wanna be loved.
I just want to be free.... but why is that so fucking hard for me to do? Why can't I be happy? Even for a little bit without everything going to hell....