Mom is always right...
I have been single for a very long time.
A very very long time.
For about half that time I've prided myself on not needing anyone but my girls. The single life is what I want. No stupid late night fights over the phone. No distractions. No obligations. Just me, me, me and my friends. (who mostly all have boyfriends...super)
Deep down, though, things are different. Its hard to put this into words and talk to people about it. I'm mostly afraid. Secretly, I really do want someone. But I seem to have put up this wall. Not letting anyone (boy) in, not letting me out. I'm in a limbo here. When a boy shows interest in me, I shut down. Im flattered, but I usually spaz out and abort mission. On the rare occasion that I meet a boy that I genuwinely like and am attracted to, I keep myself in. Usually in the form of ignoring them. Either way I'm preventing heartache.
Remember that very long time ago when I had my heart stomped on....you know...the time when I lost a month of my life and did crazy stupid things like throw shoes and hook up with friends exboyfriends?
Well I'm convinced this is a cosmic joke. And the more I think about it, the more i believe it. How many hearts in my lifetime have I broke. Unintentionally, albeit, but still....Maybe this is the universe's way of getting back at me. You did you're damage, now you have to pay. I dont want to sound arrogant or cocky, but I sure can think of more than one boy whos heart i broke. Now its time to face the consequences of my wrong doing.
Funny story, all those boys whos hearts I may have broke? Well they're all doing fine. I'm in limbo land still. Paying my cosmic debt to cupid and society and whatever else.
And mom sticks to her guns when she says "you'll find someone kara. when you least expect it" and im sure shes probably right. she usually is. (except when it comes to electronics and her fashion choices)
and the wall that i've carefully constructed, i've missed a little spot, and my vulnerability comes peaking through. "you'll find someone kara. hes there. hes waiting for you. be bold. be brave. but most importantly be you. Keep hoping. "
Confession Time: I'm partly excited to go to St. Louis because I want to meet someone. I want to date someone. You know, have him pick me up and take me to dinner. Because if i've been single a long time, its been even longer since i've been on a real date.
I'm really hoping mom is right on this one. A boy is there. Waiting for me. A cute, quirky, funny boy.
Hellooooooooo? I think i've paid my cosmic debt. Come find me please.