(no subject)
What a beautiful year!
Of course, here is my
1. You (or, I) attract what is going on and what is complementary to what is going on inside of you. What are you giving out and bringing forth? I ask myself that over and over again, in my attempt at being passion by action and having a life by design, not a life by default.
2. The boys of my malicious intent, sexually overactive, emotionally regressive, love phobic, happy hour with the borderline pathological will stay with me until I abandon my unhealthy habits.
3. I want to abandon my unhealthy habits but sometimes not enough to abandon my unhealthy habits.
4. But I have always been given what I need by the greater force/universe/prankster god, even when I feel completely abandoned and as though the process of change is simply a never-ending process and I will never get there.
5. Are we there yet?
6. A year ago, I celebrated my birthday trying to fill the day with thoughts of something other than the missing boys. I could have spent the day alone and would have been happier than I was at my celebration if one of them had just called. Paul asked me, why can't you be happy about the people who actually care about you? Answering that question was extremely important.
7. "Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love" -Fiona Apple
8. My body shut down and I was the sickest I've ever been when Carol and I drove to South Dakota to see the band on Thanksgiving. I lost my desire to love him as he looked down at me and snarled, 'There is no you, there is only me'.
9. I just made you up to hurt myself. I just made you up to hurt myself. I just made you up to hurt myself.
10. When the universe takes away your hope and your longest love both in the same week, you better look around and smile at your pain, because you are truly experiencing personal evolution.
11. The week after, I happened upon Gratitude House with its bacon and a big welcoming hug, was told, 'I like to put my arms around people' on a big cushy red couch in mood lighting, felt like I was sitting on top of the mushroom, where I proceeded to meet every avenue to every beautiful/spiritual/sexual/professional connection I've made in the past year.
12. Recovery was hard, everything was disettling for a long time and I missed them every day.
13. I asked her, what should I do and she said matter of factly, follow your bliss.
14. I told her that I gave my life to the music and didn’t know where to go from here and she told me in reference to being a groupie, honey, I never stopped.
15. She appeared mid-conversation, jumping in on an eavesdrop and told me she was more or less single for 10 years. She said, anyone who comes into my life is a bonus, not a basis of my happiness.
16. I love the idea of being single for 10 years. I also hate the idea of not having regular sex for 10 years and honestly don't think it would be worth the sacrifice of non-toxic relationships.
17. I know that I can have anything I want as long as I can clearly state my intention.
18. I am still working on clearly stating my intention.
19. On the first day of summer, we had a proper goodbye. I wore my best dress and cried my eyes out and sunk to the ground, weeping away as the sun set over the gorge and the night air blanketed me as I accepted life without him. He said, 'goodbye and goodnight' and I knew I would never see him again.
20. The summer was like rolling on proverbial ectasy, thanks to many factors, but one in particular. I asked the one who is the most passionate about the flame what he wanted from fire, and he told me that fire centers him and there's little to nothing in the world he loves more, and couldn't possibly want anything more from it.
21. I said, I'm going to kill him and she said, don't kill him, just kiss him.
22. He said, I'm as good as the next guy when it comes to sweeping problems under the rug... but maybe the universe wants to show you that rugs are used to tie a room together not hide dust bunnies.
23. I was addicted and when he put his hands on me, it didn't even matter that he didn't love me. It really, really didn’t.
24. We were laying on the ashes together and I turned to him and said, we are so homies, and he said instantly, for life. I turned to the other and thought, I love you so much that I hope you leave as soon as we get out of this place, because if you don't, neither of us will ever get over our bad habits.
25. I said I met this boy who changed my life and she laughed and said, oh honey, your life will change over and over again - don't you worry.
26. Life is less, I don't like you but I love you/ you tread me badly I love you madly and more I've got sunshine on a cloudy day, I've even got the month of May.
Of course, here is my
1. You (or, I) attract what is going on and what is complementary to what is going on inside of you. What are you giving out and bringing forth? I ask myself that over and over again, in my attempt at being passion by action and having a life by design, not a life by default.
2. The boys of my malicious intent, sexually overactive, emotionally regressive, love phobic, happy hour with the borderline pathological will stay with me until I abandon my unhealthy habits.
3. I want to abandon my unhealthy habits but sometimes not enough to abandon my unhealthy habits.
4. But I have always been given what I need by the greater force/universe/prankster god, even when I feel completely abandoned and as though the process of change is simply a never-ending process and I will never get there.
5. Are we there yet?
6. A year ago, I celebrated my birthday trying to fill the day with thoughts of something other than the missing boys. I could have spent the day alone and would have been happier than I was at my celebration if one of them had just called. Paul asked me, why can't you be happy about the people who actually care about you? Answering that question was extremely important.
7. "Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love" -Fiona Apple
8. My body shut down and I was the sickest I've ever been when Carol and I drove to South Dakota to see the band on Thanksgiving. I lost my desire to love him as he looked down at me and snarled, 'There is no you, there is only me'.
9. I just made you up to hurt myself. I just made you up to hurt myself. I just made you up to hurt myself.
10. When the universe takes away your hope and your longest love both in the same week, you better look around and smile at your pain, because you are truly experiencing personal evolution.
11. The week after, I happened upon Gratitude House with its bacon and a big welcoming hug, was told, 'I like to put my arms around people' on a big cushy red couch in mood lighting, felt like I was sitting on top of the mushroom, where I proceeded to meet every avenue to every beautiful/spiritual/sexual/professional connection I've made in the past year.
12. Recovery was hard, everything was disettling for a long time and I missed them every day.
13. I asked her, what should I do and she said matter of factly, follow your bliss.
14. I told her that I gave my life to the music and didn’t know where to go from here and she told me in reference to being a groupie, honey, I never stopped.
15. She appeared mid-conversation, jumping in on an eavesdrop and told me she was more or less single for 10 years. She said, anyone who comes into my life is a bonus, not a basis of my happiness.
16. I love the idea of being single for 10 years. I also hate the idea of not having regular sex for 10 years and honestly don't think it would be worth the sacrifice of non-toxic relationships.
17. I know that I can have anything I want as long as I can clearly state my intention.
18. I am still working on clearly stating my intention.
19. On the first day of summer, we had a proper goodbye. I wore my best dress and cried my eyes out and sunk to the ground, weeping away as the sun set over the gorge and the night air blanketed me as I accepted life without him. He said, 'goodbye and goodnight' and I knew I would never see him again.
20. The summer was like rolling on proverbial ectasy, thanks to many factors, but one in particular. I asked the one who is the most passionate about the flame what he wanted from fire, and he told me that fire centers him and there's little to nothing in the world he loves more, and couldn't possibly want anything more from it.
21. I said, I'm going to kill him and she said, don't kill him, just kiss him.
22. He said, I'm as good as the next guy when it comes to sweeping problems under the rug... but maybe the universe wants to show you that rugs are used to tie a room together not hide dust bunnies.
23. I was addicted and when he put his hands on me, it didn't even matter that he didn't love me. It really, really didn’t.
24. We were laying on the ashes together and I turned to him and said, we are so homies, and he said instantly, for life. I turned to the other and thought, I love you so much that I hope you leave as soon as we get out of this place, because if you don't, neither of us will ever get over our bad habits.
25. I said I met this boy who changed my life and she laughed and said, oh honey, your life will change over and over again - don't you worry.
26. Life is less, I don't like you but I love you/ you tread me badly I love you madly and more I've got sunshine on a cloudy day, I've even got the month of May.