You create you own ending.
Drowning
They were the hardest 3 years of my life
I felt like I was drowning,
The life felt like it was literally flowing out of me.
And I was frozen in that water, stuck,
unable to even think, to move, to breathe.
I lived in routine,
I accepted what I had, told myself it was enough.
I doused the fire that was my longing for more,
even though it still continued to smoke.
I stalled, moved from one obsession to another,
so I didn't have to think about life, about reality,
About what was really important.
Even though deep down I knew....
there was something missing.
Because there was always that one night,
Where I sobered up from my temporary highs,
and I felt...everything.
From the dissapointment in myself,
to the gaping hole in my chest...
Everything.
But I wasn't strong enough.
I couldn't force myself to stay awake,
even though I wanted to,
More than anyone could know.
But I couldn't
My life was great.
I had everything I convinced myself I wanted.
But I wanted more.
Greedy right?
I couldn't break the ice,
I couldn't get my head above water.
Everything was blurry,
I couldn't see clearly,
Except those few times my head would get close enough to the surface,
that I could take in the tiniest breath of air.
That tiny amount of air would somehow get me through the year,
Made me believe I could survive like this.
But it wasn't until I hit the end of the 3rd year,
that I realized.... I didn't want to survive.
I wanted to live.