geranium killer
i feel that things in my life are starting to twist in another direction. a direction im more than happy to see them go in. in many ways im still a sad sad little human. but everything seems worth salvaging. i picked up the guitar again. i realize what a genius i can be sometimes. i can make jokes in public... i dont want to hide anymore. i smoke weed again which relaxes me so much.
dare i say it...
ive been thinking a lot lately about myself in a really positive way, and evan hasn't been around for it. we've both been so busy that we haven't seen each other for days. when we talk on the phone we have nothing to say to each other. i saw him briefly today but after the initial jolt of happiness that seeing him brought me, the rest was a whiny and confusing blur.
i think im kind of on an ego trip... and this is why i feel like "we're growing apart"
but also... he's graduating in may and im leaving for argentina. we won't stay together. will we?
why did i ever want so badly for us to make it work after he leaves in six months. three months ago i had separation anxiety. i got nervous when i dropped him off at his house. i slept on him every night. i made him stick around. i thought life without him next year would be dreadful
and sometimes now i cant even tell if we will make it to may...
he stripped me of my independence. being with him made me look up marraige on google and babies in dream interpretation. he normalized me. i was ready to lay down and drop out and give up so we could be together... the thoguht of do any of those things now is just... preposterous.
things change so quickly but morph so slowly. you put jello in the fridge and its liquid. you take it out and its jello. but for four hours what the fuck is going on?
mine is a fickle, fickle heart. and as much as i love evan for how funny he is and how talented he is and in general for what a beautiful beautiful human being he is...
are we both better off single?
love can make me a nasty bitch.
dare i say it...
ive been thinking a lot lately about myself in a really positive way, and evan hasn't been around for it. we've both been so busy that we haven't seen each other for days. when we talk on the phone we have nothing to say to each other. i saw him briefly today but after the initial jolt of happiness that seeing him brought me, the rest was a whiny and confusing blur.
i think im kind of on an ego trip... and this is why i feel like "we're growing apart"
but also... he's graduating in may and im leaving for argentina. we won't stay together. will we?
why did i ever want so badly for us to make it work after he leaves in six months. three months ago i had separation anxiety. i got nervous when i dropped him off at his house. i slept on him every night. i made him stick around. i thought life without him next year would be dreadful
and sometimes now i cant even tell if we will make it to may...
he stripped me of my independence. being with him made me look up marraige on google and babies in dream interpretation. he normalized me. i was ready to lay down and drop out and give up so we could be together... the thoguht of do any of those things now is just... preposterous.
things change so quickly but morph so slowly. you put jello in the fridge and its liquid. you take it out and its jello. but for four hours what the fuck is going on?
mine is a fickle, fickle heart. and as much as i love evan for how funny he is and how talented he is and in general for what a beautiful beautiful human being he is...
are we both better off single?
love can make me a nasty bitch.