im not going to survive because im an asshole and a failure
Falling in love ruined my life. I'm a total failure as a student and an artist. As a human, I'm pretty normal and it sucks. I cry all the time, like a huge baby. I have gained weight, because I'm made out of failure. Falling in love made me into a regular, bland, normal asshole. I'm just like everyone else now.
My professors and my advisors keep telling me that I'm at this level where my work is grasping at something and not exploring it fully. I'm not developing my ideas or takin enough risks to make my films really great or powerful.
I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK this even means or HOW THE HELL I can do anything about it When I think about making a movie in my head I see pictures and hear whispers and have tiny little bulbs of ideas that never really work out. I don't know why I can't get anything to happen and the more I'm in school the more I realize that I don't have any idea why I am here or what I am doing. I don't know if I really want to make movies in the future. Last year I thought I did for sure. But then they told me I was bad at doing it and I believed them. And I still believe them, even when they say "But it's not a bad thing. In a way it's a great thing. You're smart. You're just TOTALLY FUCKING INEPT."
This is supposed to be MY time to figure out my life and deal with my shit.
I feel like I'm being crushed by everything.
People always turn into assholes.
I can't seem to do ANYTHING right.
Evan is going to leave and suddenly I'm going to wake up, alone, in a horrible night mare, naked and vulnerable, drunk and fat, wondering why the hell I ever gave my heart (my head) away to someone so silly and so temporary.
Fuck. Fuck everything.
My professors and my advisors keep telling me that I'm at this level where my work is grasping at something and not exploring it fully. I'm not developing my ideas or takin enough risks to make my films really great or powerful.
I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK this even means or HOW THE HELL I can do anything about it When I think about making a movie in my head I see pictures and hear whispers and have tiny little bulbs of ideas that never really work out. I don't know why I can't get anything to happen and the more I'm in school the more I realize that I don't have any idea why I am here or what I am doing. I don't know if I really want to make movies in the future. Last year I thought I did for sure. But then they told me I was bad at doing it and I believed them. And I still believe them, even when they say "But it's not a bad thing. In a way it's a great thing. You're smart. You're just TOTALLY FUCKING INEPT."
This is supposed to be MY time to figure out my life and deal with my shit.
I feel like I'm being crushed by everything.
People always turn into assholes.
I can't seem to do ANYTHING right.
Evan is going to leave and suddenly I'm going to wake up, alone, in a horrible night mare, naked and vulnerable, drunk and fat, wondering why the hell I ever gave my heart (my head) away to someone so silly and so temporary.
Fuck. Fuck everything.