this is a letter i wrote to helena/ also good live journal material about my normal life
really, these days my life is super average. evan and i are madly and happily in love for maybe the first time since we started dating a year ago. he promised me i could come to chicago over winter break with him, but before that im going to meet his parents and little brother at his senior concert. this is scary. i dont expect him to help me out with this because he's so ADD himself, he will probably be all over the place. and that's fine, i just need to "nut up or shut up".
i just got back to new york after being home for fall break and i realized that even though this LOVE thing is happening and giving me something ive wanted forever, everything else in my life is falling apart...
i dont like people anymore.
it's depressing as hell. at parties, i hate everyone. even my friends. i make an effort to enjoy myself but even while drunk, its hard not to see past all the bullshit. i want to feel like, on the inside, everyone knows what i know. that were all huge douchey fakers.
i want to hole up in the library and only come out to see evan, but the problem with that is...
i'm a horrible student.
i dont do my homework. i have to write a 12 page paper on feminist philosophy theory today and hand it in tomorrow. i didnt and in a lab report... and i have another one due tomorrow that i never started. im supposed to be moderating AGAIN this semester, this time into spanish. that means i might be doing two senior projects. one would be making a movie. the other would be writing a 100 page dissertation on a narrowed down subject in spanish literature. the idea excites me, but i shouldnt do it for many reasons, one of them being...
i lost my wind.
i dont care if i see the world anymore. i dont have the money to travel, so i just stop thinking about it. i dont care about animals OR humans anymore, if someone wants me to eat turkey on thanksgiving, why shouldnt i? i dont care about africa, i dont care about tibet, i dont care about anyone or anything. i hardly care about myself. i care about my mom and my sister and dave and kyle. for some reason my FAMILY means more to anything than it ever did before. i think its because i realized they are all amazing people. i am not who i thought i was, and i cannot save the world. in fact, i can hardly live in it.
i think i actually JUST realized, the root of my discontent is the simple fact that i am the same as every other person.
i really, up until the end of this summer, thought i was special.
so thats where my life is. ive been drinking alo of tea lately tho. thats supposed to be good for a person. it keeps one calm when the "shit hits the fan".
i want to disappear and start over, but im completely unmotivated, so i will "keep on keeping on" with my bland, normal life.
i just got back to new york after being home for fall break and i realized that even though this LOVE thing is happening and giving me something ive wanted forever, everything else in my life is falling apart...
i dont like people anymore.
it's depressing as hell. at parties, i hate everyone. even my friends. i make an effort to enjoy myself but even while drunk, its hard not to see past all the bullshit. i want to feel like, on the inside, everyone knows what i know. that were all huge douchey fakers.
i want to hole up in the library and only come out to see evan, but the problem with that is...
i'm a horrible student.
i dont do my homework. i have to write a 12 page paper on feminist philosophy theory today and hand it in tomorrow. i didnt and in a lab report... and i have another one due tomorrow that i never started. im supposed to be moderating AGAIN this semester, this time into spanish. that means i might be doing two senior projects. one would be making a movie. the other would be writing a 100 page dissertation on a narrowed down subject in spanish literature. the idea excites me, but i shouldnt do it for many reasons, one of them being...
i lost my wind.
i dont care if i see the world anymore. i dont have the money to travel, so i just stop thinking about it. i dont care about animals OR humans anymore, if someone wants me to eat turkey on thanksgiving, why shouldnt i? i dont care about africa, i dont care about tibet, i dont care about anyone or anything. i hardly care about myself. i care about my mom and my sister and dave and kyle. for some reason my FAMILY means more to anything than it ever did before. i think its because i realized they are all amazing people. i am not who i thought i was, and i cannot save the world. in fact, i can hardly live in it.
i think i actually JUST realized, the root of my discontent is the simple fact that i am the same as every other person.
i really, up until the end of this summer, thought i was special.
so thats where my life is. ive been drinking alo of tea lately tho. thats supposed to be good for a person. it keeps one calm when the "shit hits the fan".
i want to disappear and start over, but im completely unmotivated, so i will "keep on keeping on" with my bland, normal life.