On Airing Dirty Laundry
It is absolutely crucial to talk often and talk long about the abuse I suffered growing up. The first steps in REALIZING it was abuse came in opening my mouth and talking about it, and being surprised by the reactions from my friends. When I saw the reflection of how people should respond to news of abuse, I realized how awful the abuse I suffered really was. I started to see that it wasn't my fault, and I started to be able to put the responsibility firmly where it belonged.
Now I am at a stage where because of the abuse I suffered I can see how my attitude is colored by my history. I know that I often question the motives of people around me and come to the conclusion that it's my fault that the core of it, rejecting them when I feel helpless to change things. The more I can go back and place the blame where it belongs, the more I can understand that not everyone is out to get me, and not everyone has ultirior motives.
I must speak on the issues I am dealing with, I must normalize my process. The more I feel isolated about it, the longer it will take for me to understand that what happened to me was not normal and I was not a bad kid. That means talking about my brother openly. That means discussing what my parents did in places where my dad might end up reading or seeing it. The sooner, the better. The abuse that my parents inflicted on me would still be happening today if I were a child in their household. I escaped, so that I could survive. That is not my fault, it is theirs. And whatever I need to do in order to put the blame where it belongs is what I need to do. Furthermore, it is not to place blame that I do what I do. It's just to let it out! It's just to feel like my voice is heard and my feelings are validated. I have no malice toward them, in fact I worry so much about how my words will affect them that I hold back and doubt myself. But any relationship that requires me to be anything other than up front and honest is a relationship there's something wrong with.
The adults in my family constantly rewrite history. They downplay my abuse and they disregard my thoughts and feelings on it. I was the one it happened to, and I was the only one not allowed to make any decisions on how it was dealt with, if it made anyone else uncomfortable. But nobody seemed to care that I was dying, that I was shattered, or that I badly needed healing. If it inconvenienced them, they were blind to it immediately.
I am not here for that. I'm here for truth. I'm trying to bring light to the world, and I want to make effective changes to my world in order to bring about justice and peace. That requires for me to make people uncomfortable. Once I can excavate the truth from my past and live through making the people I love and trusted the most in the world uncomfortable, I will see that I have the strength to make others uncomfortable in order to bring change to the larger world. I know that once I come out about the things that happened to me, there will be backlash from my family. They will play the victims in whatever way they can, because that's what they're good at and that's what has worked before. And whether it works for them or not is none of my business; it doesn't work for me. I love them, but I can't make them love me and I can't make them value me. All I can do is heal myself so I can do the work that I so badly need to do on this earth.
Now I am at a stage where because of the abuse I suffered I can see how my attitude is colored by my history. I know that I often question the motives of people around me and come to the conclusion that it's my fault that the core of it, rejecting them when I feel helpless to change things. The more I can go back and place the blame where it belongs, the more I can understand that not everyone is out to get me, and not everyone has ultirior motives.
I must speak on the issues I am dealing with, I must normalize my process. The more I feel isolated about it, the longer it will take for me to understand that what happened to me was not normal and I was not a bad kid. That means talking about my brother openly. That means discussing what my parents did in places where my dad might end up reading or seeing it. The sooner, the better. The abuse that my parents inflicted on me would still be happening today if I were a child in their household. I escaped, so that I could survive. That is not my fault, it is theirs. And whatever I need to do in order to put the blame where it belongs is what I need to do. Furthermore, it is not to place blame that I do what I do. It's just to let it out! It's just to feel like my voice is heard and my feelings are validated. I have no malice toward them, in fact I worry so much about how my words will affect them that I hold back and doubt myself. But any relationship that requires me to be anything other than up front and honest is a relationship there's something wrong with.
The adults in my family constantly rewrite history. They downplay my abuse and they disregard my thoughts and feelings on it. I was the one it happened to, and I was the only one not allowed to make any decisions on how it was dealt with, if it made anyone else uncomfortable. But nobody seemed to care that I was dying, that I was shattered, or that I badly needed healing. If it inconvenienced them, they were blind to it immediately.
I am not here for that. I'm here for truth. I'm trying to bring light to the world, and I want to make effective changes to my world in order to bring about justice and peace. That requires for me to make people uncomfortable. Once I can excavate the truth from my past and live through making the people I love and trusted the most in the world uncomfortable, I will see that I have the strength to make others uncomfortable in order to bring change to the larger world. I know that once I come out about the things that happened to me, there will be backlash from my family. They will play the victims in whatever way they can, because that's what they're good at and that's what has worked before. And whether it works for them or not is none of my business; it doesn't work for me. I love them, but I can't make them love me and I can't make them value me. All I can do is heal myself so I can do the work that I so badly need to do on this earth.