Bipolar stuff
OK, I went home from work early today. I've been trying to figure out what is up the past week and I haven't been able to. I've cut the caffeine way back. I am still having some but not more than 1 a day and I used to drink way more than that. I am taking my meds at about the same time every day and I've been getting sleep. Maybe my C-PAP machine is not working/need to have it's pressure changed? I don't know.
I have been so unproductive at work the past week I am seriously worried I will get in trouble for it. Although lord knows I am still more productive than some. Today, though, it was like my nerves were exposed to open air. Everything just aggravated the hell out of me. I started shaking and it got to the point I was having a hard time typing. I couldn't focus on anything and constantly had to restart because I zoned out and lost track of what I was doing. The new place has cubes that are closer together and so it's noisier. Today I absolutely could not at time block out the sound and I found myself feeling like was being pummeled by the sounds; just completely overwhelmed.
Plus, as yesterday, I was having system problems, and today I had a coworker who is really sweet but dumb as a bag of nails who would not stop pestering me with stupid questions. Normally I am happy to help her but me today I wanted to scream at her! Couldn't she tell that I was trying not to shake and have my back arch while I was talking to her? This is one of the things that bug me the most in retrospect: Being uncharitable I view myself as a "nice guy". There have been many times I find myself not acting in a way that meets that image and it drives me crazy.
It eventually got to the point I was no longer able to continue working. I couldn't remember what I was doing; I couldn't control the keyboard and mouse well enough physically to key.
I sent an e-mail to my supervisor and left. I tried to talk to her in person but she was in a meeting or something. I talked to a coworker who sits near who, as it so happens also has bipolar and let her know why I was leaving and that she could tell my sup if she wished. I was so worried about leaving. I was just as worried about not leaving: what happens if I get so bad I can't drive, what happens if I leave and I wind up not being able to come back in time and I get fired ( I have used up all the Short Term that is available)
ARRRRGGGGGGG!
Came home and played civilization on the easy setting to relax. No thought or more than basic motor control required. Then Steven came home and he is trying hard to be comforting/understanding and I appreciate it and am trying so hard not to be oversensitive to any little thing that bugs me
I'm going to go take a bubble bath