Jumble of emotions
I just need to clear my head of everything thats going through it right now.
I had the weirdest dream this morning before going to work, it was so vivid it brought me to tears. For many years now i my sister and i have not been on speaking terms and it feels like its been a war between the both of us. In my dream my sister and i were actually on terms that we were when we were growing up, when we would hang out together and go places. It felt so right to actually be able to talk to her and hug her like i use to. This brought me to tears this morning. i miss her a lot and really feel that she will never truly accept me for who i am. I actually have come to terms with this and the worse thing about it is that for once truly in my life it actually is hurting me a lot. (as i wright this i am fighting tears off) But i dont know what else to do. I have been nothing but nice to her all my life as this is the slap in the face that i get.
The second thing that is kinda bothering me is this, the holiday season is around the corner and it looks like its going to be another one single and alone. I mean there are times that i seriously feel like i am going to spend the rest of my life a lone and that i will never find the right guy for me. I always attract the guys that are in it for the quick booty call and off they disappear as quickly as the showed up in my life. Plus the gay community is so superficial that no one is attracted to big guys, everyone wants a trophy boyfriend an abercrombie or holster boy or an express boy and i am none of those. I only wish i was one of them but i am fat, fat and ugly as many guy have put it. I normally don't let things like this get to be but lately i have been feeling i should just settle for the next guy who comes around just to be happy. I guess i will always be a wing man for the rest of my life, while everyone else is finding love i'll be the one that guy that is only wanted when they want something or need to go somewhere.
I had thought i had found my true love i feel hard for him but he ended up being nothing but a scrub, he had no car, a job that didn't pay him anything and would always be asking for a ride here and a ride there, when it came time that i expressed my feelings about him on how i truly felt about him, he pulled the whole maybe we should just be friends. This was a blow to my ego, was i not good enough for you, what is it about me ? my weight, is it that I'm fat, had to be no one wants to date a fuckin whale, so i just pulled back and gave him the space he wanted. I thought i would give it a second chance and see if we could do something fun, so i took him out with us Halloween Night, that was the worst nite possible, he had no money, no costume, no nothing. He drove me insane that nite, leaching off of me the complete time. He drove me insane, i ended up dumping him on one of my friends and just ignoring him the rest of the nite just for my own sanity. After that nite i deleted his number from my phone and have just attempted to move on. But he wont leave me alone !!! Someone save me before i got nuts and do something really mean to him and shoot him out of the sky like a bug that he is,... (that sounded better in my head but whatevers .lol)
The holidays are always a real hard time for me this may sound really corny but i have always wanted to be able to go to Disneyland with the guy that i love and watch the firework show and get snowed on at the end and share a nice kiss on main street while the snow falls, and walk around share a cup of hot chocolate and walk around and look at the stuff on the shops that are on main street. Don't get me wrong i love spending time with my best girl of all time as well, considering this a tradition that her and i had created over the years but it would be nice to spend it with that special someone.
Is that really a lot to ask, i feel that i am a honest censer person, i don't have a lot of hang ups just want someone to love me for who i am and for me to love them for who they are. I feel a 100 times better now.I just needed to get somethings off my chest and clear my mind.
** Comment if you would like, i truly appreciate all the love i get from my friends, i love my friends dearly and would do anything that i can for them, to them i say thank you !!! and i dedicate "For Good by the cast of wicked"
I had the weirdest dream this morning before going to work, it was so vivid it brought me to tears. For many years now i my sister and i have not been on speaking terms and it feels like its been a war between the both of us. In my dream my sister and i were actually on terms that we were when we were growing up, when we would hang out together and go places. It felt so right to actually be able to talk to her and hug her like i use to. This brought me to tears this morning. i miss her a lot and really feel that she will never truly accept me for who i am. I actually have come to terms with this and the worse thing about it is that for once truly in my life it actually is hurting me a lot. (as i wright this i am fighting tears off) But i dont know what else to do. I have been nothing but nice to her all my life as this is the slap in the face that i get.
The second thing that is kinda bothering me is this, the holiday season is around the corner and it looks like its going to be another one single and alone. I mean there are times that i seriously feel like i am going to spend the rest of my life a lone and that i will never find the right guy for me. I always attract the guys that are in it for the quick booty call and off they disappear as quickly as the showed up in my life. Plus the gay community is so superficial that no one is attracted to big guys, everyone wants a trophy boyfriend an abercrombie or holster boy or an express boy and i am none of those. I only wish i was one of them but i am fat, fat and ugly as many guy have put it. I normally don't let things like this get to be but lately i have been feeling i should just settle for the next guy who comes around just to be happy. I guess i will always be a wing man for the rest of my life, while everyone else is finding love i'll be the one that guy that is only wanted when they want something or need to go somewhere.
I had thought i had found my true love i feel hard for him but he ended up being nothing but a scrub, he had no car, a job that didn't pay him anything and would always be asking for a ride here and a ride there, when it came time that i expressed my feelings about him on how i truly felt about him, he pulled the whole maybe we should just be friends. This was a blow to my ego, was i not good enough for you, what is it about me ? my weight, is it that I'm fat, had to be no one wants to date a fuckin whale, so i just pulled back and gave him the space he wanted. I thought i would give it a second chance and see if we could do something fun, so i took him out with us Halloween Night, that was the worst nite possible, he had no money, no costume, no nothing. He drove me insane that nite, leaching off of me the complete time. He drove me insane, i ended up dumping him on one of my friends and just ignoring him the rest of the nite just for my own sanity. After that nite i deleted his number from my phone and have just attempted to move on. But he wont leave me alone !!! Someone save me before i got nuts and do something really mean to him and shoot him out of the sky like a bug that he is,... (that sounded better in my head but whatevers .lol)
The holidays are always a real hard time for me this may sound really corny but i have always wanted to be able to go to Disneyland with the guy that i love and watch the firework show and get snowed on at the end and share a nice kiss on main street while the snow falls, and walk around share a cup of hot chocolate and walk around and look at the stuff on the shops that are on main street. Don't get me wrong i love spending time with my best girl of all time as well, considering this a tradition that her and i had created over the years but it would be nice to spend it with that special someone.
Is that really a lot to ask, i feel that i am a honest censer person, i don't have a lot of hang ups just want someone to love me for who i am and for me to love them for who they are. I feel a 100 times better now.I just needed to get somethings off my chest and clear my mind.
** Comment if you would like, i truly appreciate all the love i get from my friends, i love my friends dearly and would do anything that i can for them, to them i say thank you !!! and i dedicate "For Good by the cast of wicked"