Alone
The hardest part about being alone is those moments when you turn your heard to talk to someone and realize there is no one there. It is even harder in those moment when its a bad time to call or text anyone to feel less alone.
All my friends are tied up in their own understandably busy lives doing their own understandably busy things. They care about me and love me, as a secondary fixture in their life. I have always felt this way. Maybe its why I push to hard to be noticed. Maybe its why I tried so hard to convince myself that my friends are my family, as I sit alone here in my one bedroom apartment.
There is no one who will have their day to day life changed if I vanished. I bring no real improvements to the day to day life of anyone. Once or twice I found someone I loved that said they loved me back, only to find they didn't love me, but what they thought they could turn me into.
I don't know what to do. I don't have a solution. I just exist and while I like the freedom of living alone I just wish there was a way I could not live alone again. I suppose the middle of a pandemic is a normal time to start noticing these things.
These times we are in now showed me one thing. my family gets me, it was never about not getting me. They understood me just fine. This is why no one wanted me around. I am very glad that I have friends that love me. But I really do wish I had a family that like me as well as loved me.