Living alone, a reflection on recent choices.
All my life I never lived alone. I moved out of my mom's place and moved in with friends at 21. I stayed with those same friends for over 15 years in a variety of ways. But people change, situations change. It was time to leave Florida. I refused to do so alone, but some friends of mine were ready to move, and with the offer extended and my current life feeling like a chaotic mess I grabed the hand of freedom and took my first step on a new journey.
Oregon is great. I love it here. Things played out in much the way I expected. Move up here, eventually I would start to feel unwanted and very much un-welcomed in my own home, and when I found the right place I would move out. This isn't what I wanted, but I felt it was what would happen. My friends assured me I would continue to be treated like family and maybe they meant it at the time but it ended up being untrue. Things got weird after we left Florida. I was hurt and angry but at the time. But I had no one to blame but myself. I knew this would happen eventually.
In all candor I really enjoy living alone. It is nice to not have to worry about my noise bothering other or other people making sounds when I am attempting to sleep. I can clean a room and come back to it later and it is still clean. Best of all I don't need to constantly watch my mouth, my actions, and any other little details or things I do that somehow mange to offend people. While it is rarely my intent to be hurtful, somehow I manage to do it.
I remember when I said this to a friend. I told them that I don't say things to be mean and I was at my wits end trying not to, I was depressed at the fact I could never be free with my words because it was always assumed I meant something hurtful. No amount of backtracking or explaining that isn't what I meant would change the fact I had hurt someones feelings. At the end of my monologue all I got in reply was a speech about why it is okay and normal for people that love me to get angry at what I say, even though it isn't what I meant, because it "sounds like" other offensive things herd throughout the day. That was the night I knew I was moving. Never in my life do I think I felt as much pain at being right about something.
Living alone comes with a great deal of freedom but at a great cost. I no longer have a family. There is no one to report to at the end of the day. No hugs ready for me at home. Just myself and my own thoughts. There is a part of me that wants that again. I realize I can't go back to what was because those places and those people as I knew them are gone. Somehow the finality of it makes it easier. A bridge burnt can sometimes help you move forward. I lost my family the moment I announced I was leaving Florida.
To be clear I am not saying any of this as a slight to the friends I have now. I love my friends and enjoy time spent with them immensely. This doesn't change the fact they are not family. Most of the time I feel distant and separated from everything going on. Like I am observing a situation and my body is just a puppet I am using to interact. There are very few people I ever felt truly connected with. Not even my own blood relatives. (they are probably the worse)
My ex-fiance was one of them, it is why I love her so much. She knows the real me and accepts it. My friend Jim was the same, as was my friend Vic who I lost just last year. That wound is still fresh. Those bonds formed over years, and formative years at that, there is no getting that back. It is done, the book is closed. Time marches on.
I get out more now, I am healthier and happier than I was just over a year ago. With change and the new also comes loss. Coping with that loss and still appreciating the new is my current challenge in life. I had to let go of old attachments to start a change. It was a good choice. I do not have regrets about coming here. My life now is still much better than it was just before I left Florida.
The thing that gets me is.... hard to explain. It is like there is a person, or group of people, so important in one's life that nothing feels real until you have shared it with them. Like getting an A on a test as a kid doesn't matter until you show your parent or friend. I have days like that. Days where I turn my head to say "Can you believe this?!" or "Guess what just happened" and no one is there. I am talking to an empty room and there is no one that will be there anytime soon. There is a square shaped hole in my life and everyone I know is a triangle.
.....so now, what comes next?
Oregon is great. I love it here. Things played out in much the way I expected. Move up here, eventually I would start to feel unwanted and very much un-welcomed in my own home, and when I found the right place I would move out. This isn't what I wanted, but I felt it was what would happen. My friends assured me I would continue to be treated like family and maybe they meant it at the time but it ended up being untrue. Things got weird after we left Florida. I was hurt and angry but at the time. But I had no one to blame but myself. I knew this would happen eventually.
In all candor I really enjoy living alone. It is nice to not have to worry about my noise bothering other or other people making sounds when I am attempting to sleep. I can clean a room and come back to it later and it is still clean. Best of all I don't need to constantly watch my mouth, my actions, and any other little details or things I do that somehow mange to offend people. While it is rarely my intent to be hurtful, somehow I manage to do it.
I remember when I said this to a friend. I told them that I don't say things to be mean and I was at my wits end trying not to, I was depressed at the fact I could never be free with my words because it was always assumed I meant something hurtful. No amount of backtracking or explaining that isn't what I meant would change the fact I had hurt someones feelings. At the end of my monologue all I got in reply was a speech about why it is okay and normal for people that love me to get angry at what I say, even though it isn't what I meant, because it "sounds like" other offensive things herd throughout the day. That was the night I knew I was moving. Never in my life do I think I felt as much pain at being right about something.
Living alone comes with a great deal of freedom but at a great cost. I no longer have a family. There is no one to report to at the end of the day. No hugs ready for me at home. Just myself and my own thoughts. There is a part of me that wants that again. I realize I can't go back to what was because those places and those people as I knew them are gone. Somehow the finality of it makes it easier. A bridge burnt can sometimes help you move forward. I lost my family the moment I announced I was leaving Florida.
To be clear I am not saying any of this as a slight to the friends I have now. I love my friends and enjoy time spent with them immensely. This doesn't change the fact they are not family. Most of the time I feel distant and separated from everything going on. Like I am observing a situation and my body is just a puppet I am using to interact. There are very few people I ever felt truly connected with. Not even my own blood relatives. (they are probably the worse)
My ex-fiance was one of them, it is why I love her so much. She knows the real me and accepts it. My friend Jim was the same, as was my friend Vic who I lost just last year. That wound is still fresh. Those bonds formed over years, and formative years at that, there is no getting that back. It is done, the book is closed. Time marches on.
I get out more now, I am healthier and happier than I was just over a year ago. With change and the new also comes loss. Coping with that loss and still appreciating the new is my current challenge in life. I had to let go of old attachments to start a change. It was a good choice. I do not have regrets about coming here. My life now is still much better than it was just before I left Florida.
The thing that gets me is.... hard to explain. It is like there is a person, or group of people, so important in one's life that nothing feels real until you have shared it with them. Like getting an A on a test as a kid doesn't matter until you show your parent or friend. I have days like that. Days where I turn my head to say "Can you believe this?!" or "Guess what just happened" and no one is there. I am talking to an empty room and there is no one that will be there anytime soon. There is a square shaped hole in my life and everyone I know is a triangle.
.....so now, what comes next?