The Darkness of Friendship.
Friendship is one of those things like love, everyone has their own definition for what makes someone a friend.
We say stuff like "Oh, that is my best friend, and that person is a close friend, that other friend is like family, that other person over there is more of an acquaintance." We all have our own little lines we draw for what dictates what level of friend.
I find my self thinking back over my life of what made me feel really close to a person. It isn't about shared interests so much as it is about shared pain. Not to say that all my friends have the same problems. More so to say that my closest friends are the ones with whom I shared my vulnerabilities. They are the ones I trust with the feelings, fears, and desires I don't share with everyone because they can be used to hurt me. And I in turn do the same for them. I listen to their pain and about the things that could be used to hurt them. We have to share that with each other to build trust. Without shared vulnerability how does one build real trust. Trust that lets two or more people be more than just buddies or acquaintances?
While I still fell moving was a good choice, there is a sense of connection I miss from the people I left behind. People with whom I have shared a great deal of experience and mutual vulnerability. What I really miss is that sense of: 'That person is a flawed human being and I know why, and I like that person either because of that flaw or regardless of that flaw.' It is comforting to know they feel the same about me. They know my weirdness and dark secrets and like me anyway. I hate the though of someone learning some bombshell about me and no longer wanting to have anything to do with me. This is a core part of why I am so open with my life. To keep an eye out for people that turn up their nose or scoff at who I really am. I want to know my friends and enemies up front, not years down the line. It has happened often enough, I lose people because they grow tired of me or fed up with me or after learning something about me.
I went through a great deal of study into philosophy, self help, Zen, and enlightenment. And I found that while it changes how I view and handle things, and it changes how I filter things, even helps me deal with my issues a great deal. Who I am inside is still the same all be it with more manageable issues. I am still the same scared little child we all are deep deep down in ourselves. We seek connections to help that feeling subside. But we all have dark places in our hearts. Things we fear will make people hate us, laugh at us, think they are better than us. You can't get rid of your darkness but you can tame it. The trick is to make peace with it, learn to control it, and accept it is part of you. And hopefully you can find someone that is okay with that.
We say stuff like "Oh, that is my best friend, and that person is a close friend, that other friend is like family, that other person over there is more of an acquaintance." We all have our own little lines we draw for what dictates what level of friend.
I find my self thinking back over my life of what made me feel really close to a person. It isn't about shared interests so much as it is about shared pain. Not to say that all my friends have the same problems. More so to say that my closest friends are the ones with whom I shared my vulnerabilities. They are the ones I trust with the feelings, fears, and desires I don't share with everyone because they can be used to hurt me. And I in turn do the same for them. I listen to their pain and about the things that could be used to hurt them. We have to share that with each other to build trust. Without shared vulnerability how does one build real trust. Trust that lets two or more people be more than just buddies or acquaintances?
While I still fell moving was a good choice, there is a sense of connection I miss from the people I left behind. People with whom I have shared a great deal of experience and mutual vulnerability. What I really miss is that sense of: 'That person is a flawed human being and I know why, and I like that person either because of that flaw or regardless of that flaw.' It is comforting to know they feel the same about me. They know my weirdness and dark secrets and like me anyway. I hate the though of someone learning some bombshell about me and no longer wanting to have anything to do with me. This is a core part of why I am so open with my life. To keep an eye out for people that turn up their nose or scoff at who I really am. I want to know my friends and enemies up front, not years down the line. It has happened often enough, I lose people because they grow tired of me or fed up with me or after learning something about me.
I went through a great deal of study into philosophy, self help, Zen, and enlightenment. And I found that while it changes how I view and handle things, and it changes how I filter things, even helps me deal with my issues a great deal. Who I am inside is still the same all be it with more manageable issues. I am still the same scared little child we all are deep deep down in ourselves. We seek connections to help that feeling subside. But we all have dark places in our hearts. Things we fear will make people hate us, laugh at us, think they are better than us. You can't get rid of your darkness but you can tame it. The trick is to make peace with it, learn to control it, and accept it is part of you. And hopefully you can find someone that is okay with that.