(no subject)
I haven't cried like I did today in a long time. It was one of those massive sobfests, where you can't even breathe you're sobbing so hard and you just collapse, desperate for any source of comfort. I knew it was coming when I was saying goodbye to my parents and Abby before they left. And it wasn't just because they were leaving, it was mainly because we started talking about jobs and where I'm going to be living by the time my lease here is up. They weren't lecturing me and it wasn't a bad conversation, it just made all my anxieties and worries about the future bubble up, and that combined with the thought of being alone again was just too much to handle. I managed to keep a smile on until I walked through my door, then I fell.
I've been struggling up here, I really have. It's beautiful, it's my favorite place in the world. But being up here alone is difficult at times. And it's not just the fact that I'm alone, it's just that, I have so many wonderful memories here with my family, and it makes me miss them terribly. But even more than that, I'm just craving companionship. It goes beyond wanting a boyfriend. I want a husband, someone to share my life with forever and ever until the day we die. I want that kind of relationship more than anything in the world. I want to know that the next person I'm with will be there to the very end. I'm so through "dating" and having crushes that go nowhere and all that silly stuff. I want forever, someone to be parents with, someone to grow old with. I see older couples come into the coffee shop every night and they always know what to order for each other, and they can just sit and enjoy each other's company just being near each other. I want that.
But, as important as that is to me right now, I put it on the back-burner everyday. I shove it to the back of my mind after it's the first though I wake up to, because I know I will not be able to have that until I straighten everything else out. I need to find a job - a real-life, adult, salaried, benefits-included, full-time job. I get so frustrated when I'm told I don't have enough experience. How am I supposed to get experience when no one will hire me? I'm smart, a very fast learner, I can multi-task with the best of them, and a very good writer. I think I have great qualifications for an administrative assistant, but sorry, I don't have years of experience quite yet so somehow, I get dismissed.
Some days, like today, that really gets me down. I get so discouraged, and I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. But some days, I think maybe there's still a job at Interlochen waiting for me and it's only a matter of time before it opens and it's mine. I want to work there more than anywhere else. It's everything I love about the arts, everything that has driven me in the arts since I was 10. Above everything, it's educating intelligent, miraculously talented children who are so passionate about their craft. Just walking through the campus you can feel the creative energy, it's like electricity. Something you'll never understand until you've seen a concert, went to a show or exhibit, or spent a summer there. It's also like being part of a huge family; everyone from the President, the students, summer campers, all the staff/faculty, and the alumni. I believe in everything Interlochen has done in the past and will continue to do in the future, and I want nothing more than to be a part of that for the next 30-40 years of my life.
Life is an adventure, which I suppose doesn't make it always easy. This time in my life right now is probably one of the hardest times I'll have. However, I can't remember when I've felt more accomplished, or hard-working. Granted, there's a lot I need to learn about being a real-world adult, but I should give myself a bit more credit perhaps. I'm still young, and I still have so much to learn. I can't give up now.
I've been struggling up here, I really have. It's beautiful, it's my favorite place in the world. But being up here alone is difficult at times. And it's not just the fact that I'm alone, it's just that, I have so many wonderful memories here with my family, and it makes me miss them terribly. But even more than that, I'm just craving companionship. It goes beyond wanting a boyfriend. I want a husband, someone to share my life with forever and ever until the day we die. I want that kind of relationship more than anything in the world. I want to know that the next person I'm with will be there to the very end. I'm so through "dating" and having crushes that go nowhere and all that silly stuff. I want forever, someone to be parents with, someone to grow old with. I see older couples come into the coffee shop every night and they always know what to order for each other, and they can just sit and enjoy each other's company just being near each other. I want that.
But, as important as that is to me right now, I put it on the back-burner everyday. I shove it to the back of my mind after it's the first though I wake up to, because I know I will not be able to have that until I straighten everything else out. I need to find a job - a real-life, adult, salaried, benefits-included, full-time job. I get so frustrated when I'm told I don't have enough experience. How am I supposed to get experience when no one will hire me? I'm smart, a very fast learner, I can multi-task with the best of them, and a very good writer. I think I have great qualifications for an administrative assistant, but sorry, I don't have years of experience quite yet so somehow, I get dismissed.
Some days, like today, that really gets me down. I get so discouraged, and I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. But some days, I think maybe there's still a job at Interlochen waiting for me and it's only a matter of time before it opens and it's mine. I want to work there more than anywhere else. It's everything I love about the arts, everything that has driven me in the arts since I was 10. Above everything, it's educating intelligent, miraculously talented children who are so passionate about their craft. Just walking through the campus you can feel the creative energy, it's like electricity. Something you'll never understand until you've seen a concert, went to a show or exhibit, or spent a summer there. It's also like being part of a huge family; everyone from the President, the students, summer campers, all the staff/faculty, and the alumni. I believe in everything Interlochen has done in the past and will continue to do in the future, and I want nothing more than to be a part of that for the next 30-40 years of my life.
Life is an adventure, which I suppose doesn't make it always easy. This time in my life right now is probably one of the hardest times I'll have. However, I can't remember when I've felt more accomplished, or hard-working. Granted, there's a lot I need to learn about being a real-world adult, but I should give myself a bit more credit perhaps. I'm still young, and I still have so much to learn. I can't give up now.