(no subject)
A religion is a cult. Some religions are definitely more cult-like than others.
This was something said to me today by someone. I am not sure if I agree or disagree (well, maybe I agree), but the idea itself is kind of scary. At the same time, I doubt that walking up to anyone and calling their religion and/or faith a "cult" and saying "it scares me" would help at all, or feel good at all, being in whomever's shoes. Then again, if someone came up to me and said, "Catholicism scares me," I'd be like, "Yeah, me too." Organized religion in general does not sit well with me, at least at this very moment. Maybe looking up the definition of 'cult' might help, although at this moment, I don't particularly care to visit dictionary.com.
Hmm.
This seems to be a huge contrast with the rest of my life. Organization and structure, I mean. In breaking news:
I am not a spontaneous person at all.
I am getting older. I've always had a hard time with the unknown, but it bothers me even more now. I can't stand not having some kind of backup plan, some (even slightly vague) idea of what is going to happen, or where I am headed, or how I need to get there or what to do.
Live life to the fullest, the cliche says, and blah blah blah. No, it doesn't work that way. Without any plans, or structure in my life, I am bound to have a panic attack or a series of them. Actually, I see that happening now. I get a call, someone inviting me for "a hangout," with "maybe dinner or something," and instead of seeing possibilities, my brain goes into a strange mode. It's as if there are a series of panic buttons, all alarms sounding at once. Gears in my head start turning. I want answers: who will be there, how come you didn't tell me before, what is for dinner, what time this will start, whether or not I should bring something, why people can live without a schedule, why this wasn't planned in advance, if you are mad, whether you still love me, why a date on a calendar matters so much, why marking this in an agenda would make more sense to me, why I'm scared that all of this worries me so much. Imagine all these thoughts occurring in a span of a minute, and you know how I feel, if you can.
I knew somebody who would go into frequent panic attacks, mostly over things nobody else ever noticed. Small things would set her off at work; we'd find her crouched in an office, tears streaming down her flushed face. At the time, I wondered what would set someone off like that. Maybe I know now.
(Although, disclaimer, we later found out she was on drugs, which may have been the reason she freaked out. I am not on meth or crack or cocaine or what have you, just some really strong drops for my chronic ear problems, but those just make me oversleep.)
I need an agenda. For everything. I am a pretty easy person to get along with, I think, but to say that I am a free spirit may be a gross contradiction now. In certain things, I prefer a looser plan, but still a plan nonetheless. As long as I've been aware, I've had a need to know (to a certain extent) that my life had some sense of direction.
And something as little as someone saying, "Hey, we're doing this in such and such minutes; wanna join?" completely sends me into a tailspin. To quote the words of one of my favorite college instructors,
"Does this BOTHER ANYBODY????"
Well, it bothers me. Impromptu things, aka LIFE, should not lead me to these weird panic modes, but they do. Literally, I feel like a thousand doors are closing in on me. My brain screams, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, PLANS, PLANS, PLANS. Tell me that's not messed up and I could possibly be your friend, although I acknowledge how completely warped it is.
I don't like going to work right now and not knowing whether or not I'll get out when I'm supposed to, or wondering when I will get paid again. I don't like not having a set lunch hour, sitting around looking at the clock, wondering how my day will play out. I NEED a schedule. I don't like wondering how I am going to pay for school, whether or not people will have patience with me, or what I will do once I am in school. I have laid out a schedule for myself, one that is strict enough so I won't go crazy with my free time. I will have classes every weekday, ranging from French early in the morning, two literature classes on alternating days, and trips to the gym in between. Will it be a crazy schedule? Yes, but I've noticed that not having a schedule leads me to drive myself insane.
I simply do not know how to relax.
I don't want to end up like a good friend of mine, a girl who, when her boyfriend calls her, whips out the agenda, and then pencils him in for some "relationship time." This is (of course) done in pen, and things are final. I don't want to schedule every little thing. I like surprises, but at the same time, there is something very unsettling about the unknown. I don't want to be the person who freaks out when someone tells me they have no future plans. The sad thing is, I'm already like that. I literally break out in hives with anguish, wanting to set plans for everyone, wanting neat answers or some kind of framework.
Basically, I should probably go live on another planet, because this really doesn't sound very human at all.
That said, I guess I'm basically explaining my behavior. If you call me and say you want to do something in five minutes, and if I start rambling about the state of the world and sounding like a babbling child, tell me to stop. Tell me it's okay to be overwhelmed, go have your fun, and let me try to figure out how not to panic.
I have many things to work on.
I have stopped taking one of my medications. The dosage is VERY strong, yet it does nothing for my pain. I am not taking it because it is an addictive substance, and I don't want to reach that point of having to reach for a pill bottle every three hours, milligram after milligram of chemicals running through my bloodstream.
I deal with headaches on a daily basis now, always the same side of my head, always the same kind of pain. My boss tells me this isn't normal, that I need to go in for a CAT scan. So they can tell me what? Oh, hi, Claudia, your headaches are probably because your ex roommate nearly killed you on the highway with reckless driving. You were on the side of the car that struck the other vehicle, and due to your position at the time, this is normal. Oh, and your brain is probably leaking, random words and phrases pouring out your ears and down your jawline.
The great news in all of this is that you're still alive.
The bad news in all of this is that so are all your brain synapses, and when it comes to that, you're on your own.
The Liberace-Wanna-Be Horoscope/Fortune Teller on Univision just said that I, as a Libra, will presently enter a stage in which I become a warrior, aggressive and hostile.
This could be very true.
I need space, miles and miles of it, all broken up into a grid, a hanging pencil ready to note what will happen or some tentative plans.
when I grow up I don't want to.
I suck at telling time, yet I seem to be controlled by it. Future, future, future, future,
let me be.
This was something said to me today by someone. I am not sure if I agree or disagree (well, maybe I agree), but the idea itself is kind of scary. At the same time, I doubt that walking up to anyone and calling their religion and/or faith a "cult" and saying "it scares me" would help at all, or feel good at all, being in whomever's shoes. Then again, if someone came up to me and said, "Catholicism scares me," I'd be like, "Yeah, me too." Organized religion in general does not sit well with me, at least at this very moment. Maybe looking up the definition of 'cult' might help, although at this moment, I don't particularly care to visit dictionary.com.
Hmm.
This seems to be a huge contrast with the rest of my life. Organization and structure, I mean. In breaking news:
I am not a spontaneous person at all.
I am getting older. I've always had a hard time with the unknown, but it bothers me even more now. I can't stand not having some kind of backup plan, some (even slightly vague) idea of what is going to happen, or where I am headed, or how I need to get there or what to do.
Live life to the fullest, the cliche says, and blah blah blah. No, it doesn't work that way. Without any plans, or structure in my life, I am bound to have a panic attack or a series of them. Actually, I see that happening now. I get a call, someone inviting me for "a hangout," with "maybe dinner or something," and instead of seeing possibilities, my brain goes into a strange mode. It's as if there are a series of panic buttons, all alarms sounding at once. Gears in my head start turning. I want answers: who will be there, how come you didn't tell me before, what is for dinner, what time this will start, whether or not I should bring something, why people can live without a schedule, why this wasn't planned in advance, if you are mad, whether you still love me, why a date on a calendar matters so much, why marking this in an agenda would make more sense to me, why I'm scared that all of this worries me so much. Imagine all these thoughts occurring in a span of a minute, and you know how I feel, if you can.
I knew somebody who would go into frequent panic attacks, mostly over things nobody else ever noticed. Small things would set her off at work; we'd find her crouched in an office, tears streaming down her flushed face. At the time, I wondered what would set someone off like that. Maybe I know now.
(Although, disclaimer, we later found out she was on drugs, which may have been the reason she freaked out. I am not on meth or crack or cocaine or what have you, just some really strong drops for my chronic ear problems, but those just make me oversleep.)
I need an agenda. For everything. I am a pretty easy person to get along with, I think, but to say that I am a free spirit may be a gross contradiction now. In certain things, I prefer a looser plan, but still a plan nonetheless. As long as I've been aware, I've had a need to know (to a certain extent) that my life had some sense of direction.
And something as little as someone saying, "Hey, we're doing this in such and such minutes; wanna join?" completely sends me into a tailspin. To quote the words of one of my favorite college instructors,
"Does this BOTHER ANYBODY????"
Well, it bothers me. Impromptu things, aka LIFE, should not lead me to these weird panic modes, but they do. Literally, I feel like a thousand doors are closing in on me. My brain screams, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, PLANS, PLANS, PLANS. Tell me that's not messed up and I could possibly be your friend, although I acknowledge how completely warped it is.
I don't like going to work right now and not knowing whether or not I'll get out when I'm supposed to, or wondering when I will get paid again. I don't like not having a set lunch hour, sitting around looking at the clock, wondering how my day will play out. I NEED a schedule. I don't like wondering how I am going to pay for school, whether or not people will have patience with me, or what I will do once I am in school. I have laid out a schedule for myself, one that is strict enough so I won't go crazy with my free time. I will have classes every weekday, ranging from French early in the morning, two literature classes on alternating days, and trips to the gym in between. Will it be a crazy schedule? Yes, but I've noticed that not having a schedule leads me to drive myself insane.
I simply do not know how to relax.
I don't want to end up like a good friend of mine, a girl who, when her boyfriend calls her, whips out the agenda, and then pencils him in for some "relationship time." This is (of course) done in pen, and things are final. I don't want to schedule every little thing. I like surprises, but at the same time, there is something very unsettling about the unknown. I don't want to be the person who freaks out when someone tells me they have no future plans. The sad thing is, I'm already like that. I literally break out in hives with anguish, wanting to set plans for everyone, wanting neat answers or some kind of framework.
Basically, I should probably go live on another planet, because this really doesn't sound very human at all.
That said, I guess I'm basically explaining my behavior. If you call me and say you want to do something in five minutes, and if I start rambling about the state of the world and sounding like a babbling child, tell me to stop. Tell me it's okay to be overwhelmed, go have your fun, and let me try to figure out how not to panic.
I have many things to work on.
I have stopped taking one of my medications. The dosage is VERY strong, yet it does nothing for my pain. I am not taking it because it is an addictive substance, and I don't want to reach that point of having to reach for a pill bottle every three hours, milligram after milligram of chemicals running through my bloodstream.
I deal with headaches on a daily basis now, always the same side of my head, always the same kind of pain. My boss tells me this isn't normal, that I need to go in for a CAT scan. So they can tell me what? Oh, hi, Claudia, your headaches are probably because your ex roommate nearly killed you on the highway with reckless driving. You were on the side of the car that struck the other vehicle, and due to your position at the time, this is normal. Oh, and your brain is probably leaking, random words and phrases pouring out your ears and down your jawline.
The great news in all of this is that you're still alive.
The bad news in all of this is that so are all your brain synapses, and when it comes to that, you're on your own.
The Liberace-Wanna-Be Horoscope/Fortune Teller on Univision just said that I, as a Libra, will presently enter a stage in which I become a warrior, aggressive and hostile.
This could be very true.
I need space, miles and miles of it, all broken up into a grid, a hanging pencil ready to note what will happen or some tentative plans.
when I grow up I don't want to.
I suck at telling time, yet I seem to be controlled by it. Future, future, future, future,
let me be.