(no subject)
so if i could get off of justin entries, that'd be great.
i'm supposed to be cleaning out nick's truck.
but instead i'm smoking a cigarette in brooke's basement, procrastinating.
so we started "talking" late june. it was the weirdest thing, and i wouldn't admit that there was anything between us. even though i thought about it all the time, i couldn't admit it to myself, and especially not to anyone else. and being with him has helped me admit other very important things, finally, to myself as well. the first time we ever kissed a real kiss, i told him not to tell anyone. how shitty of me. even after i realized it for myself, (and i feel really guilty about this) i used to think, it's not like i'm going to be with him forever, i mean i can easily get out if i find someone new. i think that was just my fear of commitment talking, though, because now i can' t see anyone else, i'm in too deep. now i don't understand why it took me so long. but in a way i'm glad, because we got to really know each other, over the past four years. i'm not used to something so functional. i'm not used to being so comfortable with someone so soon. and i'm especially not used to my family liking the guy i'm with. the way he is with my brothers makes me want to cry. i love that they have someone to look up to. not that my mom isn't great, but she isn't a guy and she obviously can't give them some things that a man can. i love the fact that he isn't freaked out at my vulnerability, and he's been vulnerable for awhile now, and i took it for granted, but now i embrace it. we are pretty immature, as separate individuals, but our relationship is the closest thing to mature i've ever come. i know it's corny but i've always been so envious of couples who are friends, because i've never been friends with a guy i've been with before, and i think that is the biggest reason why my relationships, with donald especially, ended the way they did. a friendship type couple is the best because (and this is corny too) you are like a team. there is so much more than physicality, and sex, and the romance, because although it seems like a great new love has so much romance and cute little things, and can't keep your hands off of each other, that fades fast. but when you work up to it, you know it's real. when me and justin used to talk about the "what-if-we's" i used to tell him, while being very skeptical and careful with my wording at the time, that if i were to ever fall in love with him i know that it would be real love, because there were never the nervous butterfly feeling's that you sometimes think are love, to confuse it with, and because i knew for a fact that i was not in love with him then, so if it were to happen it would just happen, and i would know for sure. we've been telling each other we love each other forever for real, because we have genuinely cared about each other for awhile, we used to say we were like brother and sister though, and when he first told me that he thought he was falling in love with me, i freaked out. this was in like mid july, and he told me he couldn't hang out with me anymore because of it, so he hasn't said "in love" since, but i'm still waiting, because i know he's in love with me, and i think he knows i'm in love with him. that's what's good about not having to say it. even though we say sometimes, how much we love each other, we never had to have the whole "i'm in love with you" mushy blah blah blah conversation. actions speak so much louder than words, and thank god i found someone who knows me well enough to know that i hate that conventional step by step definitive bull shit. and if ya don't know, now ya know, nigga. haha
ps: i didn't get that job, i went to talk to the guy, and i'm not old enough. gay gay gay.
i'm supposed to be cleaning out nick's truck.
but instead i'm smoking a cigarette in brooke's basement, procrastinating.
so we started "talking" late june. it was the weirdest thing, and i wouldn't admit that there was anything between us. even though i thought about it all the time, i couldn't admit it to myself, and especially not to anyone else. and being with him has helped me admit other very important things, finally, to myself as well. the first time we ever kissed a real kiss, i told him not to tell anyone. how shitty of me. even after i realized it for myself, (and i feel really guilty about this) i used to think, it's not like i'm going to be with him forever, i mean i can easily get out if i find someone new. i think that was just my fear of commitment talking, though, because now i can' t see anyone else, i'm in too deep. now i don't understand why it took me so long. but in a way i'm glad, because we got to really know each other, over the past four years. i'm not used to something so functional. i'm not used to being so comfortable with someone so soon. and i'm especially not used to my family liking the guy i'm with. the way he is with my brothers makes me want to cry. i love that they have someone to look up to. not that my mom isn't great, but she isn't a guy and she obviously can't give them some things that a man can. i love the fact that he isn't freaked out at my vulnerability, and he's been vulnerable for awhile now, and i took it for granted, but now i embrace it. we are pretty immature, as separate individuals, but our relationship is the closest thing to mature i've ever come. i know it's corny but i've always been so envious of couples who are friends, because i've never been friends with a guy i've been with before, and i think that is the biggest reason why my relationships, with donald especially, ended the way they did. a friendship type couple is the best because (and this is corny too) you are like a team. there is so much more than physicality, and sex, and the romance, because although it seems like a great new love has so much romance and cute little things, and can't keep your hands off of each other, that fades fast. but when you work up to it, you know it's real. when me and justin used to talk about the "what-if-we's" i used to tell him, while being very skeptical and careful with my wording at the time, that if i were to ever fall in love with him i know that it would be real love, because there were never the nervous butterfly feeling's that you sometimes think are love, to confuse it with, and because i knew for a fact that i was not in love with him then, so if it were to happen it would just happen, and i would know for sure. we've been telling each other we love each other forever for real, because we have genuinely cared about each other for awhile, we used to say we were like brother and sister though, and when he first told me that he thought he was falling in love with me, i freaked out. this was in like mid july, and he told me he couldn't hang out with me anymore because of it, so he hasn't said "in love" since, but i'm still waiting, because i know he's in love with me, and i think he knows i'm in love with him. that's what's good about not having to say it. even though we say sometimes, how much we love each other, we never had to have the whole "i'm in love with you" mushy blah blah blah conversation. actions speak so much louder than words, and thank god i found someone who knows me well enough to know that i hate that conventional step by step definitive bull shit. and if ya don't know, now ya know, nigga. haha
ps: i didn't get that job, i went to talk to the guy, and i'm not old enough. gay gay gay.