unoriginal
That's kind of how I feel right now. And I also feel totally uninspired, unmotivated, and un-everything. I feel like I'm lying to myself all the time, and I seriously don't know what should I do with myself anymore. And what I hate the most about this is that I have no idea how to get out of this. The truth is, I hate doing nothing, but I think I never really had any original thought or idea, so all the things I've done up till now feel just forced to me. Be it drawings, characters, story ideas, or whatever you can think of, they're all just rip-offs of things that I've seen, heard, read etc. here and there. This is not the first time I feel like this, but now's the point when I feel like it's pointless to lie to myself anymore. I've been trying to convince myself that it's not like that, I just need to give things more thought, but how can you give thought to something that doesn't even exist? It's not easy, but I think it's time I admitted to myself that my imagination is very shallow and empty. And it's not because I'm lazy, ok I might be lazy in some areas of life, but I think I when I could finally come up with some stuff, I always worked on it until I thought it was the way I wanted it to be, and never got satisfied until it was different. But all that stuff feels totally pointless, because of problems mentioned above. I just hate, hate hate it so much when nothing, absolutely nothing comes to my mind that could be a start at least. It frustrates me so I could trash anything that gets in my hand. I absolutely despise this state of un-everything, when I feel like I'm just un-me, living in an un-house in the middle of the totally un-existent whatever. I feel like I've always been living off of other's stories, ideas and characters, but never my own. And I feel so frustrated all the time, without no obvious reason. Actually, frustration is the only strong thing in me, and that's how it was ever since I was little. I tried to cover it or get over it with different kind of behaviours and personalities throughtout the years, but in the end all failed anyway. I'm just_so_fucking_frustrated_ all the time that probably that's why there's no place in my mind for anything else.