Fic: Loneliness [J2]
Title: Loneliness
Fandom: CW/ RPS
Genre: A little of everything I guess- you’ll laugh, you’ll get sad, etc.
Rating: PG-14
Warnings: language, implied sex
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Jared/Sandy, Jared/ Genevieve, Jensen/Danneel
Summary: For as long as Jared can remember, he’s felt as if something is missing. Something extremely important and life-changing. He just doesn’t, for the life of him, know what. (sorta AU because I forgot to look up when the heck Jay met Sandy and how old she is compared to him and when I DID figure it all out, I already had their meeting written, so yeah- she’s been de-aged to about two months older than him as compared to two years)
Word Count: 3,201
Disclaimer: I own nothing- I gain nothing from this, no profit is made, etc.
AN: A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine prompted me to write a small story about a personified emotion with the inspiration brought by a book called “Book of Qualities” by J. Ruth Gendler. After writing that I started to think about Jared and how he relates to the emotion I wrote about and vuela!
And somehow, after five restless hours, this thing was written. And with the help of my trusty beta amethystgrey (thanks again!) I perfected it until it is now what it is before you. However, I tinkered with it slightly after it got beta’d so any remaining mistakes are mine :D
Oh, and heads up! I didn’t just base Jared off of an emotion- I based pretty much all the main and secondary characters off of one too :3 Sneaky huh? I wrote a who’s who in the AN below to those who want to know.
And also! (LOL this is turning long) I noticed after reading it a bit that some of the years seem to blend together etc. So I drew up a timeline for those who become confused or lost at all and pasted it at the end so it doesn’t ruin the surprise ending :D
Enjoy~
:::
Jared had always been a small child growing up; always the shortest and gangliest in his class. He tried to make up for this with his loud, squeaky voice, using it to overshadow those of his classmates whenever he felt like he was being ignored. He never usually meant to do that though, he just didn’t want to be left out you see, and more often than not, he would apologize quickly after with a sincere smile tugging the corners of his mouth until his cheeks dimpled.
But he needn’t have worried anyway. People would unconsciously flock to him for he, unlike many of the other kids running around the playgrounds, had a light about him, a cheeriness that couldn’t have been faked, couldn’t have even been thought to be ignored, much less left out.
Jared never really noticed though.
He had friends, of course he did; however, no amount of friends seemed to fill that hollow space of alone resting heavy in his heart like a rock. When he was in eighth grade and all the other boys were tall and had deep voices but he did not, he told his mother about that once; about how he felt like he was too different, misunderstood even. That it wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful that the people who sat at his lunch table were his friends, but that they just didn’t seem to cut it. Something was missing. He just didn’t know what.
His mother had just laughed softly in response, pulling him into a warm embrace, and told him in a heavy southern drawl that he would be fine, just let it be- you’ll come into yourself and then you’ll be fine.
In eleventh grade, he shot up like a weed smothered in Miracle Grow. His voice slowly lost the high tenor he had carried for years and deepened to a low rumble. He even filled out some- exercising had its benefits after all. Girls began practically falling all over themselves to get his attention, and he did notice that; noticed how their smiles turned suggestively coy and the way they would flaunt themselves in front of him every chance they had. He even noticed the guys looking in his direction; noticed the way they’d glance at him from the corners of their half-lidded eyes, heat flickering just under the surface.
He noticed, but Jared didn’t particularly care.
No matter whom he hooked up with, no matter how pretty or how handsome or how smart or how clever, none of them seemed to do anything for him, or for that darkening pit carving its way ever deeper into his heart.
Eventually, he gave up. He didn’t tell his mother she had been wrong, didn’t tell her he wasn’t fine, that he was far from it. Just smiled politely and said I’m sorry to the offers that continued to bombard him left and right. He was done, had decided that he was probably going to feel this way for the rest of his life, so he might as well get used to it. Maybe he would end up like that old and withered man who lived down the street, alone save for a few cats to keep him company. He’d get dogs though instead.
Then he met Sandra McCoy.
:::
How he met Sandy wasn’t exactly exciting, wasn’t particularly worth the telling and retelling his mother and father and older brother and even, hell, his little sister, had deemed it worthy of. He had just bumped into her in the hallway in that clichéd way romance novels liked to advertize, had accidently sent her books spilling out of her hands, sent her flailing to the dirt and gum covered tile.
He’d immediately set about the task of apologizing, dropping to his knees to help her pick up her scattered textbooks. She returned his apologies with ones of her own, scrambling to get everything collected. One book in particular had skid just out of reach and he had stretched out to get it, but his hand connected with soft flesh instead of worn leather bound cardboard.
Jerking his hand away like it had been burned, he glanced up to see who the girl was for the first time-
dark hair twirling down past her shoulders in wavy tendrils, eyes healthy and bright, a healthy flush blooming across her cheeks
-and thought, maybe this was what I was missing.
She apparently had similar ideas, practically ripping his face off with her mouth when he finally got up the courage to ask her to be his girlfriend when a few tentative dates had left his heart feeling fuller, feeling better, than it ever had before.
And for a time, it really was better. Eleventh grade finished without pause and Senior year came and went, taking with it those insecure feelings of alone and hollow; Sandy was all he needed.
Instead of college, they both agreed that acting was the best way to go. It was something they both had high hopes and passions for. He had even managed to meet an agent the year prior when a winning contest had dropped him into the Teen Choice Awards. So yeah, it was worth a shot. They took the first flight out to Los Angeles the week after school had officially closed, hands intertwined as they waved their goodbyes to their proud and worried families.
After searching for months and bussing tables until they were pros, Jared landed a spot on the show Gilmore Girls. Sandy wasn’t exactly excited that he would be making out with other girls, but, she reasoned in that logical and clipped tone she always had, a role was just a role.
:::
Five years and several movies, one of which he and Sandy had gotten to work on together, later, they were still going on strong. Sure, they had their tough times like all normal couples do; times when living five feet in their immediate vicinity was five feet too little, times when Jared felt like his heart was hollowing out like it was before she came into his life, like a hole had been poked through the soft tissues so that whatever it was keeping him happy would come gushing out. But he wouldn’t let it, wouldn’t let her do that to him. He’d worked too goddamn hard, searched too goddamn long to lose it all over something as petty as forgetting to take the trash out.
So he would buy her her favorite flowers and they would make up, his heart refilling all the while. Not to the brim or anything like that, but enough that the feeling of shadowy darkness was starved away for the time being.
That all changed though the minute he walked through the elevator doors into the waiting room for the actors recalled for the new sci-fi show Supernatural.
At first glance, the only other person there wasn’t really anything special as far as he was concerned. He had seen plenty of hot men in his lifetime, both as an actor and otherwise. But then the guy looked up from where he was sprawled on the couch and smiled, plush lips parting to show straight teeth, eyes crinkling in the corners.
The guy was pretty. There wasn’t any other word to describe him. The guy was fucking gorgeous, all sparkling green eyes and spiked hair that looked soft to the touch. And Jared very much wanted to touch. Even his eyelashes were pretty.
Jesus.
Jared sat down next to him, close but not close enough, wanting to check the guy out more. And if the guy asked, well, he’d always been an affectionate person by nature.
“Hey, my name’s Jared,” pasting on his brightest smile, he’d stuck his hand out because there’s something about this guy, something that was making him forget about his career, forget about the girl he had back home in LA, forget about everything and anything… except the green eyed, bowlegged man.
“Jensen,” and he took the hand Jared offered and holy shit- Jensen’s hand was warm and calloused and not at all like any one’s he’s ever shaken before- it fit into the palm of his hand like it was made for it, like fucking puzzle pieces- and he was on cloud nine for fucks sake-
And he knew, knew as soon as he looked Jensen straight in the eyes, knew as soon as that hole in his heart filled right up and overflowed like the damn Yellowstone geyser Old Faithful, that this was what he had been waiting for for all this time, was what he had been hopelessly missing.
His realization, of course, went unnoticed, but that didn’t deter Jared in the least. No, if anything, that made him even more determined to make a place for himself in the guy’s life. In his heart, damn it, if Jared ever got any say in it.
It wasn’t until several bliss filled hours later, long after a fantastic read where he could have sworn Jensen and he were in total sync- as if they’d known each other their whole lives and not just five minutes- that he remembered Sandy.
Crap.
:::
Sandy and he ending wasn’t much of a surprise on Jared’s part. It had hurt. Of course it hurt. She had been his rock and logic and that person who kept that hollow ache away for years. But steadily, as the episodes of Supernatural continued to be recorded and as the physical and emotional distance between Sandy and he grew, his attachment to Jensen had exploded to all new heights of dependency. He couldn’t keep himself away from the other man even if he’d wanted to at that point, seriously. It was almost like Sam’s erotic dependency on Dean was bleeding over into real life times ten. He didn’t know about Jensen, but he’d liked to think it was a mutual need. Dean was pretty damn dependent on Sam after all.
Though proposing to Sandy in a last ditch attempt to keep her with him probably hadn’t helped their dying relationship any.
He should have just ended it instead of stringing her along just because that connection with Jensen wasn’t a sure thing. He wasn’t at all fair to her in that respect and guilt slowly ate away at him from the inside out. He could have apologized all he wanted, but he knew it wouldn’t have helped either of them. So he flew back to LA when Supernatural went on its season three hiatus, packed up his things in silence, and with a final murmured goodbye that wasn’t returned, he left her and the life they had created together.
His house in Vancouver seemed so much larger after that. Like not having a significant other to take up space in your head transferred over to your house, making it feel empty and uninhabited. Not even the companionship of his dogs seemed to change that, despite their best efforts to cheer him up.
At that point, asking Jensen to move in with him was more necessity than want, and after much prodding and pouting and just plain moping, Jensen finally moved in.
The world didn’t suddenly right itself like Jared had originally thought it would. It took some time. Jared had only ever lived with Sandy so it was weird getting used to Jensen’s habits: how he grunted in response to anything Jared said if he hadn’t had his coffee yet in the morning, or the fact that he kept the house almost neurotically clean, or how the dogs weren’t allowed in his room.
There were other things, little things that grated slightly on his nerves, but he’s pretty sure Jensen felt the same way in that respect. He knew some of his habits weren’t exactly that wonderful. Slowly but surely, however, all these quirks and tics became something of an endearment, something that made Jen even more charming and appealing than Jared thought possible.
And then everything was okay. The guilt was still sort of there, in the back of his mind, but he’d forgiven himself enough that it wasn’t much of a blip on the radar. Shooting for Supernatural continued as planned, even when the writers’ strike happened, and Jared restlessly waited for Jensen to see the obvious attraction between them. Otherwise Jared was screwed. He would rather have a relationship with Jensen, where he could hold the guy’s hand and go out on lunch dates that were actual dates and not just ‘friends hanging out,’ but if Jensen didn’t notice what was between them on his own, Jared would just have to deal with friendship. A friendship he was more than willing to keep close, fight for, and grip for dear life if it came down to it.
But no, seriously. How obvious a signal could Jared have possibly sent? Between practically humping Jensen’s leg every other five minutes and trying to “sneak” kisses in front of the cameras when Jensen was too busy talking to stop him, it was pretty damn clear if you asked Jared.
:::
Jared met Danneel Harris by accident.
He had been wandering around set, looking for Jensen, the elusive son of a bitch, when he had bumped into her. He had apologized with the sheepish grin that had always gotten him out of trouble as a kid, explaining that he didn’t tend to look where he was going when he was focused. She had simply laughed it off, forgave him, and after exchanging names and apologies once more, they separated.
It wasn’t until he found Jensen a couple minutes afterward that he found out she was his girlfriend.
And to say that he was crushed was a bit of an understatement. It was like someone ripped open his heart, letting everything spill out like blood, leaving him hollow and bleak. Like the feelings Jensen invoked had filled up that space for so long that it had stretched and stretched until it was as thin as paper, and now that nothing was filling it, it was emptier than ever before.
He had known that Jensen had someone in his life. He was the dude’s best friend after all and was graced with the knowledge of those kinds of things. But he hadn’t known she was that perfect for him. Jared had barely even talked to her for all of two minutes and he could tell she was a flawless match for Jen. She was polite and had a nice smile and she seemed to know exactly what she wanted. Most importantly, she wasn’t Jared.
He couldn’t compete with that.
So he hadn’t tried. He wasn’t about to go and ruin his best friend’s happiness just because he had feelings that were more than platonic running through his veins. That’s why when Genevieve Coretese waltzed into his life come season four, he took the chance he saw with her and, well, who could have blamed him?
While she wasn’t quite as rock solid as Sandy and didn’t fit the bill as seamlessly as Jensen, she was as close a thing Jared could possibly hope for, as close to chasing the dead feelings away as anyone probably ever could… besides Jensen.
Which was why, after less than a year of dating, he proposed and married her.
:::
When he looks back now, almost five years since the end of Supernatural and less than four since Genevieve and his divorce, he thinks maybe he shouldn’t have jumped right into it like he had. He hadn’t really been in his right mind, was more than willing to settle on whatever he could get to keep the darkness away. And like with Sandy, he hadn’t been fair to pull Genevieve along on his emotionally high rollercoaster only to hurt her in the end.
She hadn’t deserved that.
But they’re okay now. They’re starting up a tentative friendship after a couple years of radio silence and separation, forgiven each other and themselves as much as they possibly can. That’s more than anything Jared could ever hope for. He’s just glad they hadn’t ended in the same way Sandy and him had.
Sandy still hasn’t breathed a word to him in the past eight years. It’s kind of disheartening. However, he’s heard through the grapevine of LA gossip and People magazine that she’s landed herself an amazing role in a movie written and produced by Tim Burton and has a steady boyfriend who’s hopefully treating her better than Jared ever could, so at least she’s moved on and doing alright.
The heavy weight pressing insistently harder onto his chest and waist breaks him out of his thoughts and he snuggles down further under the soft covers, ignoring the groggy huff of disagreement from his partner when he turns onto his side. He likes to think he makes up for it by crowding in; hugging the warm body he had played better than any instrument less than an hour before closer.
“Dude, why the fuck are you still up?” Jensen blinks blearily at him; nose brushing Jared’s when he moves nearer, arms tightening around his waist unconsciously. “Did I not wear you out enough or something? Because I think I gave a pretty satisfying performance if I may say so myself.”
Jared cracks a grin- can’t help it because Jesus Christ, sleepy post coital Jensen is a fucking adorable (and sexy, though that goes without saying) sight to behold and oh God, he’s so thankful he’s the only one who will ever get to see it ever ever again. The new, heavy platinum band circling his ring finger digs into his skin as a welcome reminder of this.
“Nah, just thinking.”
“Well stop it, Jesus, I can’t sleep and it’s all your fault.”
“We have a whole honeymoon and the rest of our lives for me to make it up to you.”
“Pft, you better,” Jensen grumbles and presses a brief, fond kiss to Jared’s mouth. Then he twists over so he’s on his other side, dragging Jared’s arm with him so they’re plastered front to back, spooning like Jensen will never admit to in the morning. He sighs contently and goes still, his sides expanding when he breathes being the only telltale sign that he’s alive.
Jared still occasionally feels flares of anger toward Danneel, probably won’t ever completely forgive her, for what happened between her and Jensen years ago. What could have been a quiet, easy divorce turned into a public affair where slandering was done and words were said that tore them apart and ruined whatever scraps of friendship they could have pulled together. However, he doesn’t, not even for a second, regret helping his best friend pick up the pieces her perfectionist ass left behind to rot.
Jared laughs softly and noses the hairs at the back of Jen’s neck playfully before settling in comfortably, “Love you.”
“Yeah, yeah, love you too. Now go the fuck to sleep or I’ll drug you.”
Yeah, it took some time (thirty-four fucking years- Jesus) and a couple failed relationships, but he’s got the guy of his dreams and his heart is finally, finally overflowing with light.
FIN
AN: Can you believe this was supposed to be a drabble?? Haha- psh, drabble. But really, I hope you enjoyed this :3 I certainly did in the five some hours into the early morning and the two or three of fixing and adding LOL
Oh and for those who care, here is the guide to which person is which emotion:
Jared: Loneliness; he feels empty, alone even in a crowded room, but he doesn't like to show it, so he puts up a happy act that fools pretty much everyone.
Sandy: Intelligence; she's smart, knows how Jared is lonely, and tries to help, after all, there isn't really anything she doesn't understand. In the end though, her intelligence leads to her downfall. She could see the change in Jared after his meeting with Jensen but refused to part from him.
Jensen: Love; only love can fill that void of loneliness Jared has, and Jensen pretty much radiates it through his pores, his ability to love with his whole being ;D he also picked up his cleaning habits from Danneel
Genevieve: Forgiveness; Jared hurt her and used her but in a way, she was using him too, it's why she agreed to marry him after all. So she forgave him and herself and started up a new friendship.
Danneel: Perfection; she needs everything perfect and in order, needs to check and re-check and stay ahead of the game. Jensen isn't perfect though, no matter how hard he tried to be for her, and in the end their relationship died because even Love wasn't perfect enough for her.
And here’s the timeline:
1999: end of 11th grade, Jared’s 17ish when he meets Sandy (she’s also 17, but is older than Jay by two months)
2000: Senior years ends and they leave for LA; Jared gets put on GG
2005: GG ends; Jared meets Jen, SPN gets picked up
2006: Season one ends; Danny and Jen start dating
2007: Season two ends
2008: During season three Hiatus (in January), Sandy and Jared break up and he gets his things; Season three ends; Gen and Jay meet beginning of season 4
2009: Gen and Jay begin dating
2010: Gen and Jay get married; Jen and Danny get married
2011: season six ends
2012: Gen and Jay get divorced (early in the year)
2013: Danny and Jen get divorced (later in the year)
2014: Jay and Jen start dating (beginning of year)
2016: Jay (34 years) and Jen (38 years) get married :DD
*Yes, I have thought a lot about this LOL I am also in the process of working up some inspiration to write the wedding and such as we speak, just don’t expect it anytime soon :P