OKAY OKAY OKAY
DON'T JUDGE ME MRUDULA. :P
SO I POSTED THIS ON TWATLIGHT LAST NIGHT AND I WANT MARLEY TO SEE IT BUT SHE CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S LOCKED SOOOO I'M POSTING IT HERE SO SHE CAN SEE IT.
ALSO, THIS IS BASED OFF OF ONE THE TWILIGHT BOOKS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM, THEN IT MAY NOT ALL MAKE SENSE?
LIKE I SAID, I'M MAINLY POSTING THIS FOR MARLEY. I JUST DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO BE LIKE "WTF, WHY'S SHE POSTING SHIT I DON'T CARE ABOUT?" BUT ALSO DON'T FEEL LIKE "OMG, I DON'T WANT YOU TO READ THIS BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY NOT FOR YOU." I DON'T MEAN THAT EITHER. IT HAS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, SOOOO THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL BOND OVER RIGHT?? *HAS DUG HERSELF INTO A HOLE*
ANYWAY. THAT'S ALL. HI MARLEY!
OKAY, MY BBS. IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!
WELCOME TO
ECLIPSE RETOLD: ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT STYLE
THIS IS HUUUUGE, BUT WHAT CAN I SAY? IT'S JUST THAT GOOD OF A SHOW.
Okay! Quick recap. This is Bella.
These are the Cullens.
This is Edward Cullen.
He fell in love with Bella.
Reaction of readers across the world:
Edward ran away to ~protect~ Bella. Bella was sad. She befriended Jacob.
She saved Edward from ~CERTAIN DEATH~. He was thankful but she was still hurt.
Jacob's upset. Edward and Bella are engaged. Emmett is happy for them:
ZOMG, TEH DRAMA.
And now for our feature presentation...
Jacob's mopey. Bella's mopey. Charlie's mopey. Everyone and their goddamned mother is mopey. Then there's news that there have been a number of unexplained murders in Seattle. Mysteriousssss.
But in the midst of the craziness, Edward and Bella are totally still in loooove.
With the murders and the return of Victoria, Edward is hesitant to let Bella hang out with the werewolves.
He even has Alice "look after her" while he's away hunting. Bella is hella chagrined.
Finally, after running away with Jacob during school, she's able to convince him to let her hang out with the wolves. He's still slightly chagrined though.
She started hanging out with them more, though. She tried to keep Jacob from exclaiming his love for her by talking constantly about Edward.
Jacob was not happy, but would play along.
He then lip-raped the hell out of her. She was only semi-upset (she just didn't know it yet.)
Bella then experiences huge amounts of unexplainable horniness.
Edward tells her that they can't.
He assured her that he still loved her, though. And it was for that reason that they had to wait.
She remained unconvinced about his "crushing her pelvis to death" theory.
She told him about how frustrated she was because she would never get it on with anyone else.
He was done with the subject though.
This blew her mind.
No, really. He was done.
Bella moped about some more after that.
The next day, when there were more killings in Seattle, Jasper told Bella about his time in the confederacy, y'all.
He showed off his honors.
He then talked about joining Maria's army.
It was ~EPIC BATTLE TIME~. Which, of course, meant that Bella would not be participating in any cool action because she is not a BAMF. She's just lame.
Edward on the other hand was willing to fight to the death for this cause.
Butttt Bella wouldn't let him. So they went on a glorified camping trip instead!
Jacob came along. The bickering was overwhelming.
Edward mocked Bella's friendship with Jacob.
Bella was chagrined.
Jacob ran away to fight in battle after he manipulated the hell out of her and she realized she loved him.
Audience reaction:
Edward was unhappy.
A Fo Realz Semi-Epic battle took place next WHICH THE READER WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO SEE FIRST HAND FOR ONCE.
Edward totally pwned Victoria. Because no one messes with his family. (Er, and the woman he loves?)
Everyone was fine and Bella rejected Jacob and he was ~miserable~ and she was miserable for a time, but then she saw Edward again and, like, completely forgot about that shit. The girl's a crazy, I'm telling you.
Then Edward, to show his true devotion to her, tried to sleep with Bella. Bella was confused. She asked him to explain.
Bella said they didn't have to and that she could wait until she was a vampire.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, except for Jacob. Who's in Canada? Whatthefuck?
THE END
And now, for a Breaking Dawn spoiler!
That's right! Edward sells Bella to another band of thirsty vampires for a pack of cigarettes. Will she be killed? Or will she jump off another cliff to avoid such a destiny??
Either way, the audience reaction:
Alright, my dazzling danishes of deliciousness (oooh, alliteration), that's all I have for you tonight.
I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. BUT IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE HILARITY (....?).
SO I POSTED THIS ON TWATLIGHT LAST NIGHT AND I WANT MARLEY TO SEE IT BUT SHE CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S LOCKED SOOOO I'M POSTING IT HERE SO SHE CAN SEE IT.
ALSO, THIS IS BASED OFF OF ONE THE TWILIGHT BOOKS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM, THEN IT MAY NOT ALL MAKE SENSE?
LIKE I SAID, I'M MAINLY POSTING THIS FOR MARLEY. I JUST DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO BE LIKE "WTF, WHY'S SHE POSTING SHIT I DON'T CARE ABOUT?" BUT ALSO DON'T FEEL LIKE "OMG, I DON'T WANT YOU TO READ THIS BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY NOT FOR YOU." I DON'T MEAN THAT EITHER. IT HAS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, SOOOO THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL BOND OVER RIGHT?? *HAS DUG HERSELF INTO A HOLE*
ANYWAY. THAT'S ALL. HI MARLEY!
OKAY, MY BBS. IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!
WELCOME TO
ECLIPSE RETOLD: ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT STYLE
THIS IS HUUUUGE, BUT WHAT CAN I SAY? IT'S JUST THAT GOOD OF A SHOW.
Okay! Quick recap. This is Bella.
These are the Cullens.
This is Edward Cullen.
He fell in love with Bella.
Reaction of readers across the world:
Edward ran away to ~protect~ Bella. Bella was sad. She befriended Jacob.
She saved Edward from ~CERTAIN DEATH~. He was thankful but she was still hurt.
Jacob's upset. Edward and Bella are engaged. Emmett is happy for them:
ZOMG, TEH DRAMA.
And now for our feature presentation...
Jacob's mopey. Bella's mopey. Charlie's mopey. Everyone and their goddamned mother is mopey. Then there's news that there have been a number of unexplained murders in Seattle. Mysteriousssss.
But in the midst of the craziness, Edward and Bella are totally still in loooove.
With the murders and the return of Victoria, Edward is hesitant to let Bella hang out with the werewolves.
He even has Alice "look after her" while he's away hunting. Bella is hella chagrined.
Finally, after running away with Jacob during school, she's able to convince him to let her hang out with the wolves. He's still slightly chagrined though.
She started hanging out with them more, though. She tried to keep Jacob from exclaiming his love for her by talking constantly about Edward.
Jacob was not happy, but would play along.
He then lip-raped the hell out of her. She was only semi-upset (she just didn't know it yet.)
Bella then experiences huge amounts of unexplainable horniness.
Edward tells her that they can't.
He assured her that he still loved her, though. And it was for that reason that they had to wait.
She remained unconvinced about his "crushing her pelvis to death" theory.
She told him about how frustrated she was because she would never get it on with anyone else.
He was done with the subject though.
This blew her mind.
No, really. He was done.
Bella moped about some more after that.
The next day, when there were more killings in Seattle, Jasper told Bella about his time in the confederacy, y'all.
He showed off his honors.
He then talked about joining Maria's army.
It was ~EPIC BATTLE TIME~. Which, of course, meant that Bella would not be participating in any cool action because she is not a BAMF. She's just lame.
Edward on the other hand was willing to fight to the death for this cause.
Butttt Bella wouldn't let him. So they went on a glorified camping trip instead!
Jacob came along. The bickering was overwhelming.
Edward mocked Bella's friendship with Jacob.
Bella was chagrined.
Jacob ran away to fight in battle after he manipulated the hell out of her and she realized she loved him.
Audience reaction:
Edward was unhappy.
A Fo Realz Semi-Epic battle took place next WHICH THE READER WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO SEE FIRST HAND FOR ONCE.
Edward totally pwned Victoria. Because no one messes with his family. (Er, and the woman he loves?)
Everyone was fine and Bella rejected Jacob and he was ~miserable~ and she was miserable for a time, but then she saw Edward again and, like, completely forgot about that shit. The girl's a crazy, I'm telling you.
Then Edward, to show his true devotion to her, tried to sleep with Bella. Bella was confused. She asked him to explain.
Bella said they didn't have to and that she could wait until she was a vampire.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, except for Jacob. Who's in Canada? Whatthefuck?
THE END
And now, for a Breaking Dawn spoiler!
That's right! Edward sells Bella to another band of thirsty vampires for a pack of cigarettes. Will she be killed? Or will she jump off another cliff to avoid such a destiny??
Either way, the audience reaction:
Alright, my dazzling danishes of deliciousness (oooh, alliteration), that's all I have for you tonight.
I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. BUT IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE HILARITY (....?).