Like all the words irrelevant and strange, like all the girls before me
i am happy,
because the day ive waited for my whole life is so close.
but i am feeling strange about life.
because my day life clashes with my home life.
and im worried that my plan will fail because ill chicken out.
i am so easily entertained by everything in the outside world because (ya im a martian, and...) everything in my actual life is just so typical, jews are so damn sheltered.
i figure that whichever path i take in life...alone or with someone, i don't want to expose myself (or children) to so many lies and restrictions.
if i ever have one, i'd want my kid to be allowed to watch christmas specials, or to go trick or treating, like everyone else.
i would make sure to read them stories or passages that are years ahead of them, so that their vocabulary would be huge and filled with beautiful words...unlike mine.
ive always had so much difficulty with this whole scenario, though. cause if im terrified of the kid coming out like me...or i am terrified of turning into my dad; overprotective, spying on all of their friends. but just for their toddler years, cause really, those years make or break a person.
it overwhelms me to be sitting in the metro, dressed sometimes like a complete weirdo, and to notice a kid staring at me. because, really, his mind is recording this strange sight...i might be influencing his or her future by just sitting there. this simple thing fills me with tension, i over analyze everything and everyone. because i dont want to be one of the many who see life flatly, i am a philosopher with terrible grammar and a short word span.
ive assumed so much about myself that im just holding myself back from being surprised by my own course of life altogether. i tell myself i know everything when i actually cant even decide things for myself.
for one, ive convinced myself by now that ill be forever alone. and not because i cant find anyone that would stay with me for always, but because i tire of people quickly and i'd much rather not have to go through divorce or hating my boy or woman. and i hate the pity i get from people when i say these things, because in reality i pity the real-life humans who live, believing such childish things such as 'we will love eachother until we grow old.'
so really, as childish as i seem, all those who believe in such fairytales are the naive fools.
"Puck: Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
yuh...
...uhm,
the strange part of my mind is wishing for my parents to find out about my piercing, and my life. so that maybe we can have a huge fight and i can slam the door and run off to some place where i feel more at home.
or...mom and dad will find a magic person who will brainwash me into loving them and their lies.
i feel so terrible because they call me 'love' and 'darling'. but i hold grudges more than anyone i know.
and once youve hurt me,
broken the things i adore or make me happy or lowered my self esteem,
i wont forgive you.
i get so sad when i get close to people,because i dont want to grow tired of their beauty.
pourquoi est-ce-que chui comme ca? :/
because the day ive waited for my whole life is so close.
but i am feeling strange about life.
because my day life clashes with my home life.
and im worried that my plan will fail because ill chicken out.
i am so easily entertained by everything in the outside world because (ya im a martian, and...) everything in my actual life is just so typical, jews are so damn sheltered.
i figure that whichever path i take in life...alone or with someone, i don't want to expose myself (or children) to so many lies and restrictions.
if i ever have one, i'd want my kid to be allowed to watch christmas specials, or to go trick or treating, like everyone else.
i would make sure to read them stories or passages that are years ahead of them, so that their vocabulary would be huge and filled with beautiful words...unlike mine.
ive always had so much difficulty with this whole scenario, though. cause if im terrified of the kid coming out like me...or i am terrified of turning into my dad; overprotective, spying on all of their friends. but just for their toddler years, cause really, those years make or break a person.
it overwhelms me to be sitting in the metro, dressed sometimes like a complete weirdo, and to notice a kid staring at me. because, really, his mind is recording this strange sight...i might be influencing his or her future by just sitting there. this simple thing fills me with tension, i over analyze everything and everyone. because i dont want to be one of the many who see life flatly, i am a philosopher with terrible grammar and a short word span.
ive assumed so much about myself that im just holding myself back from being surprised by my own course of life altogether. i tell myself i know everything when i actually cant even decide things for myself.
for one, ive convinced myself by now that ill be forever alone. and not because i cant find anyone that would stay with me for always, but because i tire of people quickly and i'd much rather not have to go through divorce or hating my boy or woman. and i hate the pity i get from people when i say these things, because in reality i pity the real-life humans who live, believing such childish things such as 'we will love eachother until we grow old.'
so really, as childish as i seem, all those who believe in such fairytales are the naive fools.
"Puck: Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
yuh...
...uhm,
the strange part of my mind is wishing for my parents to find out about my piercing, and my life. so that maybe we can have a huge fight and i can slam the door and run off to some place where i feel more at home.
or...mom and dad will find a magic person who will brainwash me into loving them and their lies.
i feel so terrible because they call me 'love' and 'darling'. but i hold grudges more than anyone i know.
and once youve hurt me,
broken the things i adore or make me happy or lowered my self esteem,
i wont forgive you.
i get so sad when i get close to people,because i dont want to grow tired of their beauty.
pourquoi est-ce-que chui comme ca? :/