(no subject)
When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world. Every boy is the boy you are supposed to be with. Every party is going to be the best party ever. Every fight is a bridge you'll burn and a friend you'll lose.
Then you grow up and you start to realize things. Like when you look around you one day and see that you've intentionally made half of your friends hate you because you found something you didn't like about them. Or that you've made yourself be alone for the past 2 years because you are scared of getting hurt again. 2 years ago when I decided to open myself up, I did it willing to get hurt. Maybe only because I had never really felt that hurt before. But then I felt it. The feeling of rejection after you lay your heart out. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Though it felt like it for quite some time. And I've met plenty of better looking men. But no one seems to look at me the way he did. And I think that is what I've been missing.
I've realized how much I've been expecting a fairy tale ending for myself and how unrealistic that is. I expect to find a successful, rich, charming, good-looking guy to be single and be madly in love with me. Reading that just makes me laugh. The things that media gets into little girls heads. It makes me hate every cheesy romance movie and every disney movie ever made. We grow up with these expectations of finding a knight in shining armor and living a happy like with 2 kids and a white picket fence. Life isn't like a movie. Every single person has flaws. And plenty of them. You're never going to meet someone you don't get annoyed with at some point. And I'm sick of everyone saying "Let fate take care of things, everything will work out." That is bullshit. There is no chosen path for us. We clear our own. We decide which way we want to walk, and we are the reason we wind up where we do. I feel like I have two personalities fighting to overcome the other. Part of me is the I don't give a shit tattooed messy bitch with a clear drinking problem who screws over everyone around her(Let's call her Vanessa). And the other is the innocent little naive girl that wouldn't lie or hurt a fly, would never get a tattoo or peircings and is always there for anyone that needs her(We'll call her Mary). They are very off balance and sometimes it's hard to decide who I want to let live my life. But I know that in deciding how i want to live my life, I am deciding where I'll end up in 30 years. Vanessa will be either dead or living in her smoke filled apartment with her dirtbag boyfriend, while Mary will have let every one of her friends walk all over her and have none left, and have settled with an unattractive geek with lots of money, so at least she could satisfy some of her urges.
I think it's important to say when these two personalities really started to show up. When my grandma died it hit me so hard. And all I wanted to do was be like her and touch people the way she had. She was so purely genuine and happy it made you just want to be a good person. And I was not. I was a liar, a klepto. I'd taught my friends how to steal and lie and opened up new doors for all of them, looking at where they ended up just hurts me inside. I'd sleep with my best friends boyfriends and throw it in their face a year later. I'd cheat my way through school, and I'd go out smoking and drinking every night. I turned my back on my family, the only people who were a constant in my life. After her death I was changed.
I wanted to go back to who I was as a kid. The shy innocent girl who laid in bed praying to a god for things to get better. The girl that believed you're only allowed a certain amount of curse words in your life so I'd sit alone in my closet cursing to get them all out so I'd never do it again. The girl that felt guilt when she did something wrong. I wanted the nilla cookie back.
When I was young and I'd close my eyes, every single night, no fail, I had these visions. It was just regular people. But they would morph. They started beautiful and smooth, I always thought of nilla cookies. Then they would shift into these dark, scabbed creatures. Smokey and rough. They were ugly and scary and I hated them. But shortly after they would shift back. It was back and forth until I would see myself. I was a nilla cookie, and then I'd get just one scar. One hideous ugly scar on my cheek. And I would cry and slowly turn into one of those creatures. And I always tried to get myself back to the nilla cookie, but I'd always have that scar no matter how hard I tried to erase it. It was a crazy outlook to my future.
I think the only reason I fell for that one boy so hard was because I had asked my grandma one night, while laying in bed, to bring me a boy to love me. I was ready for love I told her. Shortly after, I met Matt. And it seemed too good to be true. But neither of us were in the right place so I told myself it was the wrong time and it would work out later in life. I come to find that is not how things work. You screw it up once, it's done. But for the longest time I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with.
Then after all that time of being alone and finding something wrong with every guy I met, I met the boy in Boston. Who in two words, was my dream guy. I never thought I could meet a guy like that, or that he would talk to me. He was gorgeous, he was successful, he had family values, and he was faithful. We had a huge connection, but he had a girlfriend, and I never gave him my number. And thus, we never saw eachother again. Just another chance encounter I get to look back on and sigh at. But now thinking back on these times, maybe they were just supposed to teach me something. Whether it be how to interact with a guy I am interested in, or to know that there ARE guys like that out there. Either way I don't regret how they turned out.
I miss being young and "insightful". I miss knowing all the answers. I miss having a small world and there being nothing outside of it. Things were dramatic then, but they were a lot more simple than I'd realized.
Then you grow up and you start to realize things. Like when you look around you one day and see that you've intentionally made half of your friends hate you because you found something you didn't like about them. Or that you've made yourself be alone for the past 2 years because you are scared of getting hurt again. 2 years ago when I decided to open myself up, I did it willing to get hurt. Maybe only because I had never really felt that hurt before. But then I felt it. The feeling of rejection after you lay your heart out. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Though it felt like it for quite some time. And I've met plenty of better looking men. But no one seems to look at me the way he did. And I think that is what I've been missing.
I've realized how much I've been expecting a fairy tale ending for myself and how unrealistic that is. I expect to find a successful, rich, charming, good-looking guy to be single and be madly in love with me. Reading that just makes me laugh. The things that media gets into little girls heads. It makes me hate every cheesy romance movie and every disney movie ever made. We grow up with these expectations of finding a knight in shining armor and living a happy like with 2 kids and a white picket fence. Life isn't like a movie. Every single person has flaws. And plenty of them. You're never going to meet someone you don't get annoyed with at some point. And I'm sick of everyone saying "Let fate take care of things, everything will work out." That is bullshit. There is no chosen path for us. We clear our own. We decide which way we want to walk, and we are the reason we wind up where we do. I feel like I have two personalities fighting to overcome the other. Part of me is the I don't give a shit tattooed messy bitch with a clear drinking problem who screws over everyone around her(Let's call her Vanessa). And the other is the innocent little naive girl that wouldn't lie or hurt a fly, would never get a tattoo or peircings and is always there for anyone that needs her(We'll call her Mary). They are very off balance and sometimes it's hard to decide who I want to let live my life. But I know that in deciding how i want to live my life, I am deciding where I'll end up in 30 years. Vanessa will be either dead or living in her smoke filled apartment with her dirtbag boyfriend, while Mary will have let every one of her friends walk all over her and have none left, and have settled with an unattractive geek with lots of money, so at least she could satisfy some of her urges.
I think it's important to say when these two personalities really started to show up. When my grandma died it hit me so hard. And all I wanted to do was be like her and touch people the way she had. She was so purely genuine and happy it made you just want to be a good person. And I was not. I was a liar, a klepto. I'd taught my friends how to steal and lie and opened up new doors for all of them, looking at where they ended up just hurts me inside. I'd sleep with my best friends boyfriends and throw it in their face a year later. I'd cheat my way through school, and I'd go out smoking and drinking every night. I turned my back on my family, the only people who were a constant in my life. After her death I was changed.
I wanted to go back to who I was as a kid. The shy innocent girl who laid in bed praying to a god for things to get better. The girl that believed you're only allowed a certain amount of curse words in your life so I'd sit alone in my closet cursing to get them all out so I'd never do it again. The girl that felt guilt when she did something wrong. I wanted the nilla cookie back.
When I was young and I'd close my eyes, every single night, no fail, I had these visions. It was just regular people. But they would morph. They started beautiful and smooth, I always thought of nilla cookies. Then they would shift into these dark, scabbed creatures. Smokey and rough. They were ugly and scary and I hated them. But shortly after they would shift back. It was back and forth until I would see myself. I was a nilla cookie, and then I'd get just one scar. One hideous ugly scar on my cheek. And I would cry and slowly turn into one of those creatures. And I always tried to get myself back to the nilla cookie, but I'd always have that scar no matter how hard I tried to erase it. It was a crazy outlook to my future.
I think the only reason I fell for that one boy so hard was because I had asked my grandma one night, while laying in bed, to bring me a boy to love me. I was ready for love I told her. Shortly after, I met Matt. And it seemed too good to be true. But neither of us were in the right place so I told myself it was the wrong time and it would work out later in life. I come to find that is not how things work. You screw it up once, it's done. But for the longest time I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with.
Then after all that time of being alone and finding something wrong with every guy I met, I met the boy in Boston. Who in two words, was my dream guy. I never thought I could meet a guy like that, or that he would talk to me. He was gorgeous, he was successful, he had family values, and he was faithful. We had a huge connection, but he had a girlfriend, and I never gave him my number. And thus, we never saw eachother again. Just another chance encounter I get to look back on and sigh at. But now thinking back on these times, maybe they were just supposed to teach me something. Whether it be how to interact with a guy I am interested in, or to know that there ARE guys like that out there. Either way I don't regret how they turned out.
I miss being young and "insightful". I miss knowing all the answers. I miss having a small world and there being nothing outside of it. Things were dramatic then, but they were a lot more simple than I'd realized.