(no subject)
flashback:
i was at prom. we had this raffle where there were about 10 winners and there were different prizes for each. mrs schwartz (the sewing teacher i harrassed freshman year then grew a bond with afterwards) was calling out the numbers throughout the night. at one point, i decide ill actually check my ticket for this number. it was my number. i won. i go up and she tells me congratulations, i won a cd or a gift card or something like that. and i say no! mrs schwartz!! i want the mini fridge! PLEASE!!! she looks at me and laughs and says "keri..are you even going to college?" ouch.
working at chilis, i always see the guy who failed me senior year. and he always sees me... running his food. i feel so worthless. i can't even blame him though. i mean i never went to school for 6 years straight...it was bound to catch up with me. but what the fuck am i supposed to do with myself now? i've ruined so much of my life and my looks and my personality with all the choices and depression and crap that i've gone through in my life. and now i just feel like a tarnished old fruit or something. i don't really know how to describe this but i'll do the best i can...
growing up, when i would lay in bed sometimes, i would close my eyes and i would just see people. people i didnt know, and they would start changing. they started off smooth and clean, i would always think of nilla cookies. they looked like them. and then they would change, and become frail and dark and skin falling off. and for a long time everytime i closed my eyes i would see these people just shape shifting back and forth all the time. i feel like the frail dark ugly people. and i just want to be a nilla cookie.
i was at prom. we had this raffle where there were about 10 winners and there were different prizes for each. mrs schwartz (the sewing teacher i harrassed freshman year then grew a bond with afterwards) was calling out the numbers throughout the night. at one point, i decide ill actually check my ticket for this number. it was my number. i won. i go up and she tells me congratulations, i won a cd or a gift card or something like that. and i say no! mrs schwartz!! i want the mini fridge! PLEASE!!! she looks at me and laughs and says "keri..are you even going to college?" ouch.
working at chilis, i always see the guy who failed me senior year. and he always sees me... running his food. i feel so worthless. i can't even blame him though. i mean i never went to school for 6 years straight...it was bound to catch up with me. but what the fuck am i supposed to do with myself now? i've ruined so much of my life and my looks and my personality with all the choices and depression and crap that i've gone through in my life. and now i just feel like a tarnished old fruit or something. i don't really know how to describe this but i'll do the best i can...
growing up, when i would lay in bed sometimes, i would close my eyes and i would just see people. people i didnt know, and they would start changing. they started off smooth and clean, i would always think of nilla cookies. they looked like them. and then they would change, and become frail and dark and skin falling off. and for a long time everytime i closed my eyes i would see these people just shape shifting back and forth all the time. i feel like the frail dark ugly people. and i just want to be a nilla cookie.