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First of all, I've never even heard of Journey 1. Was that the Brendan Fraser movie where they went to the center of the earth? Wasn't that called Journey to the Center of the Earth? That's an awkward title to add a number to. According to my mom's friend, the kid is the same actor from that one, but whatever. Listen, I only went to see J2 for The Rock, I don't care about continuity.
The movie opens with someone in a lot of leather riding a sad-ass little motorcycle down a neighborhood street. Dayton, as it turns out to be. Can that bike even do 30 mph? Because it looks like a Hot Wheels toy. Some cop cars start following the biker, sirens a-blaring, and the biker says "Not good!" solely because that is the least original thing one could possibly say at that moment. The dialogue in this movie switches between minimally acceptable and atrocious. The biker, in an attempt to shake the cops, drives through a number of backyards, up a slide, and into a swimming pool. Why did you do that? When did that seem like a good idea? If that yard hadn't had a pool you would have crashed like my dreams after seeing The Last Airbender.
So shocker, the biker is the kid from the first movie (I guess?) being rebellious in some manner. Shortly after he says something like "how about a late-night swim?" to the cops, we see the street in front of the pool's house crowded with various emergency vehicles. Who needs a fire truck to get a motorcycle out of a pool? Did they use the hose as a rope? Anyway, who should come rolling up in a very large SUV than THE ROCK? Thank god, 'cause I didn't pay the price of a 3D ticket to not look at The Rock for an hour and a half. The Rock is like, hey cop buddy, thanks for getting those super old pool owners standing over there in their bathrobes to drop the charges. What were the charges? Trespassing? Getting motor oil in their pool filter? Making that tow truck drive over their landscaping? And the kid, whose name I don't remember so I'll call him Forehead, is all YOU'RE NOT MY DAD REBEL REBEL and The Rock is like dude, chill.
Back at Casa de la Mom From the Last Movie? Maybe? Forehead continues to rebel in the most annoying movie teenager way possible while his mom screeches at him about breaking into a satellite facility and The Rock is like no really, it's cool. Wait, did the "satellite facility" also drop all charges? Whose satellite? Answer: forget about it, the writers don't care. They wrote just enough backstory to get the characters to the island and not a single sentence more.
The next day or something, The Rock comes into Forehead's room to see what's going on, because while they are in America he is the most laid-back stepdad on Earth. Forehead exposits that he was intercepting some radio message and he had to break into a "satellite facility" to get a better signal. The message is a long string of words, most of which are Jules Verne characters. That's what Forehead says at least, the closest I've come to reading Verne is seeing Captain Nemo in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie (also terrible). The Rock is like, hey, this is a code that I know because I was in the Navy and I won a bunch of code-breaking awards. That's awesome, The Rock, why aren't you the main character? Forehead is a non-entity compared to you. So they go to the attic, which is where you go to break codes, and the code is some rhyming, poorly disguised nonsense that they translate using the 1960's Batman method. "Child of Steven born 1883? Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island!" Epileptic Tree is the trope, look it up.
The code involves three different old-time adventure books about islands: The Mysterious Island (never heard of it), Treasure Island, and Gulliver's Travels. Hold on a second. I read every miserable word of Gulliver's Travels for an English class project I grew to hate, and it's not about one island, it's about six. The writers don't care? Fine. They're not going to include the coolest island, which is the one populated by talking horses? Fine. I'll just watch what theydid feel like including then, shall I? In any case, the three books have super-accurate maps in them that overlap to form one big Voltron map with convenient latitude and longitude coordinates. The Rock feels the need to point out these coordinates as such because NO ONE SEEING THIS MOVIE HAS HEARD OF COORDINATES BEFORE, and they don't do that in EVERY MOVIE WITH COORDINATES IN IT. Also these particular coordinates are in the south Pacific near Palau, because you don't go sticking a mysterious island in non-tropical waters. Tropicalness is key. Discussion questions: Did they even have this kind of coordinate notation in 1880? If Gulliver was on the same island twice, as is later suggested, how did he not notice or why did he pretend it was two islands? Also what?
Well, Forehead is positive that this is a message to him from his adventurer grandpa (sure, why not!) saying COME HANG ON THIS SWEET ISLAND, so he intends to go to Palau and find this MYSTERIOUS island. To this end he grabs a backpack from a box right there in the attic and starts packing like he's going to leave in the next fifteen seconds, and that's when The Rock gets stepfatherly. He's like, you must be joking. And Forehead is like, you don't understand etc. etc. and uses the word "Vernian" about 800 times to justify himself (apparently Vernians are a thing). Luckily for Forehead, by the next scene The Rock is back to laid-back mode and convinces Mom From the Last Movie(?) that it's best to fly to Palau and show Forehead that he's wrong so that Forehead can get this out of his system and they can bond when The Rock is there to say I told you so. That sounds like an iffy plan to me. Also the Rock's construction company must be doing very well, despite the crappy economy, if he can afford this trip on a whim. In the middle of Forehead's school year. Forehead is happy to hear that he can go, yet less excited to hear that The Rock will also be going. Note to Forehead: you're sixteen, you can't go by yourself. What are you, the little mermaid? Sixteen's all grown up?
Next scene they're walking down a pier in Palau not finding someone to take them to the coordinates that Forehead keeps showing to everyone on his phone in an annoying way. Let them hold the phone dude, it's hard to read when you're waving it around. Forehead tries speaking to some guy in American Speaking To A Foreign Person English, and lo, it is embarrassing when the guy says "I won't take you there. Those are dangerous waters.". The Rock helpfully informs Forehad that Palau's official language is English. Take that, Mr. I'm Gonna Take This Trip By Myself Because I'm All Grown Up (it doesn't help that this actor has a babyface). They eventually find a guy willing to take them out yonder for a thousand dollars, and it's Luiz Guzman. His character's name is Gabato, he owns a jank helicopter, and he is trying to earn enough money to send his smart daughter to college (Daughter, who I will call Tank Top, is wearing one that will never cover her hip bones at any point in the movie). Tank Top appears out of the helicopter and through some tough negotiation intended to show us her orneriness, makes the price $3000 because Forehead dares to speak to her. The Rock is displeased, but succumbs to Forehead's wheedling because the construction business is apparently doing very well.
They all take off in the helicopter which is magically quiet enough for everyone to hear each other without headsets. Forehead tries to talk to Tank Top and fails so miserably it suggests he's never been near a girl before. Gabato gives them the luxury tour like on your left, you can see the Pacific Ocean and on your right, the Pacific Ocean, which shows you the level of wit that went into his lines. His delivery makes up for it sometimes, but man. What swill. So they're flying and whoa, giant tornado water spout typhoon hurricane madness! I won't pretend like I know what storms are like on the ocean, but this seems to be a combination of several things. The chopper crashes and the screen goes dark for long enough that the entire audience suspects that the projector broke. This is real-life foreshadowing because the sound does cut out a few times later, for two of three seconds at a time, though luckily not too much when The Rock is talking. Back in the movie, they all wake up on a cliffy kind beach covered in large sharp rocks that somehow did not kill them. Luckily all their shit washed up too, including the paper combination map of the island. It's fine, sure. Printer paper does great in seawater, didn't you know? Ignore that The Rock tore the map when he picked it up, it'll mend itself.
Forehead finds a cave in the cliff and practically sprints into it while everyone else is worrying about their survival, because he is all about Adventure. Gabato would prefer to stay on the beach and spell out "Help!" with seashells and maybe kelp, but he goes with anyway. He gets a good line when a GIANT centipede (that they can't see but we can) skitters by. Tank Top says "what was that?" and Gabato says "a creepy noise in a scary cave, keep moving!". Hee. They get out of the cave and behold, a tropical island paradise. When people who live in tropical island paradises make movies, where do they set them? In their backyards? Somewhere with fewer enormous bugs? Alaska? Speaking of enormous bugs, a flutter of really big butterflies crosses the screen, and you know, the 3D is okay. It would have been a perfectly serviceable movie in 2D, but the 3D is used skillfully enough to justify it. Gabato worries that they've all shrunk, but after the butterflies pass the group hears an elephant noise and turn around to see a knee-high elephant come trotting up. The Rock picks it up all "who's a tiny elephant? you are! yes you are! you're a very tiny elephant!" and I make it my life's goal to give The Rock an actual tiny elephant. The elephant takes off with its herd, and Forehead explains that the first rule of island biology is that small animals grow and large animals shrink. Excuse me? Really? You know what, whatever.
So they're walking and Forehead stops to apply some sunscreen and The Rock makes crack about how when you squeeze a tube of 100 SPF sunscreen, a sweater comes out. Forehead's all, don't come crying to me when your face is peeling off and The Rock asks if he looks like he burns. No, not really. As a matter of fact, Forehead's the only white person onscreen right now, so high five Hollywood for a little diversity! See how you didn't scare anyone off by including non-white people in a movie? Take notes. Anyway, the weird little moguls they're walking clearly are not rocks, which no one figures out until The Rock, massive hunk of man that he is, steps on one and cracks it. Everyone's all shit, they're giant eggs, and giant Mama must be around somewhere. She's actually right over there asleep, and she's a thirty-foot Something Something Lizard. Forehead warns them all to be very careful because lizards have great senses of smell and excellent hearing and begin rant:
If I complained about all the nonsense science in this movie we'd be here for a week, so this is the part I'm gonna let bother me the most: reptiles don't have great hearing. According to a Smithsonian exhibit I saw last summer, mammals are the class with the awesome super hearing. If that one Spider-Man novel wasn't lying to me, reptiles don't even care that much about sound. That's why The Lizard was able to defeat a villain with the sound gun while Spider-Man and Venom were both incapacitated. Also there are way too many eggs for one lizard. End rant.
Gabato, being the comic relief, is the one who ends up breaking and falling into an egg, where a half-formed lizard baby and he scream at each other. Um, ew. He escapes out the side with about 80 gallons of egg goo and they all take off running 'cause Mama's awake and unhappy. And if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. After running through the jungle for longer than I care about, they get stuck in front of a wall of trees and The Rock tries to ward off Mama with a flare. Forehead points out that lizards are cold-blooded and attracted to heat, and Mama reinforces this point by eating the flare......I don't think that's how attraction to heat works. The Rock also tries punching Mama in the face, bless his heart, but doesn't work either.
What does work is the log'n'vine battering rams that are hanging all over that area. They knock Mama out and Michael Caine reveals himself as Grandpa Forehead, master of logs and vines. All right, leaving aside the convenient placement of those logs, how did he hoist them? He looks a hundred and four. He probably wheezes when he gets out of bed, much less when hiking through a tropical island paradise jungle. He says "don't just stand there! applaud!" and Gabato does but wow, arrogant much? Answer: yes. Granpda immediately starts being an ass to The Rock for reasons I cannot discern, so I will assume that he is naturally a jerk. What's his deal? Does he hate The Rock on his absent son's behalf? Does he have malaria? Is he racist? I can't even tell, he's just a tool.
The tool invites everyone back to his treehouseboat made from pieces of Blue-Eyed Lucy, the boat that got him to the island. Come on now, how did he haul most of a boat off that cliffy beach and then into a tree in the middle of the island? He's a hundred and five. Grandpa Jerk's treehouseboat has all the quirky bamboo technology you expect in this kind of Swiss Family Robinson set-up, plus an unusual number of "keep out" and "do not disturb" signs. That's a lot of effort for a one-scene gag, Grandpa. Also he aimed a window at the ever-oozing volcano over there, referring to this window as an HD TV (who was supposed to find that clever?) and he made a radio out of an alarm clock and an umbrella. He exposits that the radio only works when a particular satellite goes overhead, which it won't for another two weeks, so they can have a romping good time on the tropical island paradise until then. They all go to bed, but not before Forehead strikes out with Tank Top again.
The next day Grandpa Jerk takes them all on a long hike through some obscenely picturesque trees. Every tree is covered in pink and white orchids like they stumbled over a tiny elephant wedding with the world's biggest floral budget. Gabato and Tank Top have another conversation about how she wants to go to to college and how Gabato promises to send her, even if he's broke. Then Forehead tries to chat her up, asking if she wants to hang out sometime. 1) Dude, she lives in Palau and you live in Ohio. 2) What are you guys doing right now? I think it's hanging out. She blows him off and this prompts The Rock to share girl advice with Forehead. His special move is the pec pop, where you flex your pecs to show off your incredible fitnes and also man boobs. Five continuous minutes of The Rock popping his pecs is both impressive and weird. Gabato thinks it's great and bounces berries off The Rock's pecs (that is not a euphemism) and yes, bouncing a berry back into Gabato's mouth is a good trick, although I wonder if it tastes sweaty. Forehead wisely refuses the pec popping advice, possibly because he doesn't and will never have pecs like that, and is just about to talk to Tank Top again when they get to Grandpa Jerk's destination.
It's a panoramic view of a whole lot of ruins in the middle of the island, with that oozing volcano in the background. When they get closer you can see the ruins are arranged in concentric rings and Forehead points out the mosaic of Poseidon in the middle. There, written in really old Greek or possibly Futhark, it says "Atlantis". For serious. Atlantis isn't near Greece, what are you talking about, it's in the south Pacific and it's covered in tiny elephants. Grandpa Jerk's explanation for why this makes sense is that the island rises above and falls below sea level in a 140-year cycle (?) because of tectonics (?). It's not due to sink for twelve-ish more years, so Gramps is gonna get a whole bunch of shit named after him when he gets back to civilization and takes some people with actual cameras to visit the island. He's all, you like that Forehead? Gonna name a whole damn island after our family!
During this old-guy rant, The Rock is looking around at the ruins, which are pretty damp. He finds a pool of saltwater and uses his construction-company-owner-based knowledge to conclude that the island is sinking much faster than "in twelve years". More like in three days. Whoops-a-doodle! Their tropical island paradise vacation is quickly scrapped in favor of a "let's not drown in the beautiful south Pacific as this island sinks out from under us" escape plan. Fortunately for them one of those old-time adventure novels says that Captain Nemo, as in steampunk submarine Nemo, left his sub docked somewhere on the island and that the exact location is in his journal. The journal he had buried with him. If the sub is still there, how did his crew get off the island? Did he bury himself? Luckily for The Rock et. al, Grandpa Whoops knows where the tomb is. He just hasn't gone in because the only tunnel in is too small (tomb tunnels were all the rage back in the day). Also he's a hundred and six, he can't be crawling through things. Finally, something for Tank Top to do besides show off her hip bones! Specifically, wiggling around in dust and bugs while we get a good look at her from varying angles. Have I mentioned her improbably short shorts? And isn't this a kids' movie?
She wriggles into the tomb, which is much larger than the setpiece outside suggests, and finds the journal in Nemo's decayed arms and again, how did his crew escape? Does it say in this novel I've never heard of? Tank Top yanks the journal right out of Nemo's dead-ass grip and with it comes a GIANT centipede, like so big it's not scary anymore. Tank Top helpfully smacks it right toward the audience, because this is a 3D movie and the directors didn't forget halfway through. This somehow causes the tomb to start collapsing, because stone is not centipede-proof, so Tank Top has to writhe particularly fast back out the tunnel. When the tomb explodallapses she lands, of course, nose-to-nose on top of Forehead, who totally digs it. She doesn't though, and gets up without fanfare. Thank you, Tank Top. Thank you for not falling for that cliche.
The journal tells them that the submarine is by Poseidon's Cliffs, so they start walking. And walking. And there they are walking some more, until they find an excuse to insert some Adventure back into this nonsense. Gotta climb a really big hill? Why not ride a giant bee instead? Grandpa Jerk is like, it's easy! And takes off without looking back at, you know, therest of his party. Everyone hops on some giants bees and rides them for about six hours while I get bored and then a couple of really big birds show up like YUM BEES DELICIOUS! Forehead calls them Great Sliver-Tailed Greenies or something, I don't care and says (I swear) "their main food is insects and yes, bees!". "And yes, bees"? This is what you scream at your companions as they flee from enormous predators at high speed? "And yes, bees"? Are you a college professor? Are you wearing tweed? Who wrote this line? Did that person realize it was going to be spoken during an aerial chase scene? This is the best example of the atrocious half of the dialogue. "And yes, bees!". My god.
So there's an eighty-minute chase scene involving bees and birds and Tank Top falling off the bee so Forehead can last-minute rescue her and it takes forever. Yes, the birds are pretty, and you guys did an okay job of animating them, but enough already. I'd bust out a Kindle if I had one. I could go make a sandwich and come back and they'd still be chasing each other. Four days later, The Rock kills both birds by playing chicken with Grandpa Jerk and the birds explode into very colorful feathers, not unlike that bird that flew in front of that MLB pitch in 2007 (fun fact: the pitcher's name was Randy Johnson. His parents did not think that through). Somehow in all this flying and exploding, Forehead gets thrown off his bee and slo-mo skids over the forest floor until he stops by dislocating his ankle on a rock. Too bad it wasn't his head, 'cause he would have been fine. Kid looks like a Dick Tracy villain. This ankle injury leads to a lot of amusing hopping for the rest of the movie, so I approve.
Laterish, they make camp in a nice patch of forest, and in a demonstration of minimally acceptable dialogue, Gabato and Tank Top declare their intention to go get some water. This allows Forehead, Grandpa and The Rock to have a Family Bonding Moment the dynamics of which I totally ignore because The Rock starts singing What a Wonderful World, accompanying himself on Gabato's ukulele. The Rock, you are my new favorite singer. He substitutes the original lyrics for things like "we rode some bees and exploded some birds! this island sucks, hope we don't die here", and it's clever enough for me. Gabato and Tank Top, returning from their mediocre trip to a stream, reveal that the ash from the volcano is in fact gold flake. Volcanoes spew what they're made of, says Forehead, so that ever-oozing volcano is in fact made of LIQUID HOT GOLD, and that is why Robert Louis Stevenson called it Treasure Island. Not because of the pirate treasure, but because of the gold volcano I'm pretty sure he never ever mentions, if the Muppet version is anything to go by. Sadly, The Rock et. al can't get them some of that because Forehead can't hop fast enough to visit both the volcano and the submarine that will save their lives. He should have held onto that bee better.
The next day, Forehead wakes up when he rolls over into a stream that was not there previously. Their camp is on a little island surrounded by six inches of water because, as The Rock informs us, the rate of island-sinkage has tripled overnight and now they have mere hours to get off this tropical island paradise of doom. The Rock is like LET'S GO but wait! Gabato is missing. Tank Top rightly concludes that he took off to find some volcano gold so he can send her to college. Gabato's sweet, if a little short-sighted. Honey, that gold will only make you sink faster when the island goes under. She and Grandpa Crap This Shit's Sinking will go after Gabato while The Rock and Gimper McGee head for Nemo's sub, because one can only hop hilariously through so much jungle in a day.
Cut to Gabato somewhere in the jungle, tripping over a big old gold rock. He tries to pry it out, but what's aboveground is only the tip of the moolah iceberg. So he digs and digs and digs until we go back to The Rock and Forehead, who have successfully found Poseidon's Cliff. You can tell it's the right place 'cause there's a big old trident stuck in that rock over there....just a sec. The writers felt it necessary to tell the audience for the 4,000th time what longitude and latitude mean, but they assume we all automatically know who Poseidon is, why his mosaic indicates that this is Atlantis, and why a trident means they're in the right place? Who did they write this for? 9-year-olds with a strong background in Greek mythology but a poor grasp of maps? Whatever. The Rock and Forehead are all, here are the cliffs but where is the submarine? I think your answer is right there, guys. The submarine, being sub marine isprooobably underwater. Don't look so surprised when you realize that. When this knowledge finally dawns on them, they rig up some ghetto scuba gear out of straws and plastic bags and dive for it. In an improbably long underwater scene, they find the sub in a cave and crank open its rusty-ass hatch while ducking a really big electric eel. Does the bullshit island biology rule also work underwater? 'Cause I'm pretty sure an eel doesn't care exactly how underwater its cave is, and whether that cave is under an island or a coral reef.
The inside of the sub is totally sweet, as one would expect from a classy 19th-century guy like Nemo. Wrought iron, chandeliers, a wine rack over by the torpedo tubes. Unfortunately, it's been sitting idle for 140 years and the batteries, which look like enormous Baghdad batteries, are out of juice. Solution: put The Rock in one of those old-timey diving helmets and send him outside to spear the electric eel. On his way out the hatch, Forehead gives a cute little speech about how The Rock should not die because everyone keeps leaving Forehead. Like Brendan Fraser, whose absence in this movie has been completely and totally glossed over. No explanation whatsoever. Also like Grandpa Jerk, who's spent Forehead's whole life adventuring instead of teaching him to spit, or whatever grandpas are for. So The Rock goes out, spears the eel, and comes back fine. Forehead, he's The ROCK. He'll always be fine (unless he's the bad guy). Remember that movie where some casino thugs beat him mostly to death? He got better, made himself sheriff, and killed most of them with a 2x4!
Meanwhile, Tank Top and Grandpa Jerk find Gabato in a big hole, still trying to dig out the gold rock which is larger than the actual The Rock. Gabato, you silly, you can't lift that! Tank Top has a semi-touching moment where she's like I'd rather we were both alive and poor than both drowned on this sinking tropical island paradise. So get out of that hole and let's go. Gabato concedes her point with little debate, and the three of them take off towards the aforementioned cliffs. When they get there they don't see anything, because the submarine is UNDERWATER GUYS, and there's a lot earthquakey-type action as the island sinks. If it does this every time it sinks, how are any of the ruins still standing?
Anyway, they get throw into the ocean and the submarine picks them up gulp! like a whale shark. For a smallish sub, it certainly has a lot of access to the outside. Where does the extra air come from, when they keep pumping the water out of the locks? No one cares, so everyone's on the bridge being all happy and whatnot. Tank Top finally hugs Forehead (I assume because he's a better alternative than drowning on a sinking tropical island paradise), and The Rock suggests that the time is ripe for a pec pop. Again, Forehead doesn't have the pecs to pop, so he settles for pointing out that hey, chunks of island are trying to crush us. Gabato uses his helicopter pilot skills to steer them to safety. Yay, adventure over.
In the epilogue, an overly large SUV drives up to Casa de la Mom and Tank Top gets out covered in the latest unattractive fashions but at least you can't see her hip bones anymore. She's late for Forehead's birthday, talking on the phone to Gabato who misses her and will call her again in five minutes. Aw, Gabato, you're the second-coolest person in this movie. Too bad everyone else but The Rock is jerks. Gabato, back in Palau, is wearing a sweet captain outfit all hat and ascot, and he's getting ready to take a bunch of people on a tour in his sweet steampunk submarine. Adventures with The Rock turn out pretty good, don't they? Lose a helicopter, get a sweet steampunk submarine. Get trapped on Mars with alien mutants, end up a super soldier reunited with your estranged sister. It's all good.
Back at Casa de la Mom, everyone's all presents happy yay. Forehead gets a postcard from Grandpa Jerk saying he'll giftify in person next time he's around, which Forehead's face declares will be never. But wait! Is that the sound of a motorcycle outside? It is! Grandpa Jerk walks in in riding leathers, and come on seriously. He's a hundred and seven, bitch can't even drive a car and you want me to believe he rode a motorcycle more than six inches? Whatever, writers, please. Unless you have a 19th century steampunk crane available for my use, I am done suspending my disbelief. Grandpa Jerk, who is over his abandoning ways but not his incredible arrogance, says "don't just stand there! applaud!", and dude, you didn't even kill a giant lizard this time. All you did was not die of old age in the last six months which, okay, that's a decent trick when you're a hundred and eight.
Everyone applauds, because they are dumbasses (except for The Rock because he can do whatever he wants as long as he's smiling that amazing smile). Grandpa Jerk's present turns out to be a copy of Voyage to the Moon by Jules Verne, which is meant to be inspiration for their next family outing. Everyone thinks this is hilarious and they laugh and laugh while the camera pans out to the moon. Writers, I know you like sequel hooks. I like sequel hooks. Everyone likes sequel hooks. But for Jesus's sake, no one's gonna give you money to send The Rock to the moon on a steampunk spaceship (I hope). Get a grip.
The credits feature the movie's various critters wandering around the submarine. Yes, that birdis impressive, why don't you run it by me three more times? Really I don't care what you do, credit animators, because The Rock reprises What a Wonderful World during the credits, somehow singing the Israel Kamikawiwo'ole version in a Bobby Darrin style. Oh, The Rock. You have so many talents.
movie haiku:
The Rock's smile, perfect
Forehead's forehead, prominent
the science? less so
The movie opens with someone in a lot of leather riding a sad-ass little motorcycle down a neighborhood street. Dayton, as it turns out to be. Can that bike even do 30 mph? Because it looks like a Hot Wheels toy. Some cop cars start following the biker, sirens a-blaring, and the biker says "Not good!" solely because that is the least original thing one could possibly say at that moment. The dialogue in this movie switches between minimally acceptable and atrocious. The biker, in an attempt to shake the cops, drives through a number of backyards, up a slide, and into a swimming pool. Why did you do that? When did that seem like a good idea? If that yard hadn't had a pool you would have crashed like my dreams after seeing The Last Airbender.
So shocker, the biker is the kid from the first movie (I guess?) being rebellious in some manner. Shortly after he says something like "how about a late-night swim?" to the cops, we see the street in front of the pool's house crowded with various emergency vehicles. Who needs a fire truck to get a motorcycle out of a pool? Did they use the hose as a rope? Anyway, who should come rolling up in a very large SUV than THE ROCK? Thank god, 'cause I didn't pay the price of a 3D ticket to not look at The Rock for an hour and a half. The Rock is like, hey cop buddy, thanks for getting those super old pool owners standing over there in their bathrobes to drop the charges. What were the charges? Trespassing? Getting motor oil in their pool filter? Making that tow truck drive over their landscaping? And the kid, whose name I don't remember so I'll call him Forehead, is all YOU'RE NOT MY DAD REBEL REBEL and The Rock is like dude, chill.
Back at Casa de la Mom From the Last Movie? Maybe? Forehead continues to rebel in the most annoying movie teenager way possible while his mom screeches at him about breaking into a satellite facility and The Rock is like no really, it's cool. Wait, did the "satellite facility" also drop all charges? Whose satellite? Answer: forget about it, the writers don't care. They wrote just enough backstory to get the characters to the island and not a single sentence more.
The next day or something, The Rock comes into Forehead's room to see what's going on, because while they are in America he is the most laid-back stepdad on Earth. Forehead exposits that he was intercepting some radio message and he had to break into a "satellite facility" to get a better signal. The message is a long string of words, most of which are Jules Verne characters. That's what Forehead says at least, the closest I've come to reading Verne is seeing Captain Nemo in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie (also terrible). The Rock is like, hey, this is a code that I know because I was in the Navy and I won a bunch of code-breaking awards. That's awesome, The Rock, why aren't you the main character? Forehead is a non-entity compared to you. So they go to the attic, which is where you go to break codes, and the code is some rhyming, poorly disguised nonsense that they translate using the 1960's Batman method. "Child of Steven born 1883? Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island!" Epileptic Tree is the trope, look it up.
The code involves three different old-time adventure books about islands: The Mysterious Island (never heard of it), Treasure Island, and Gulliver's Travels. Hold on a second. I read every miserable word of Gulliver's Travels for an English class project I grew to hate, and it's not about one island, it's about six. The writers don't care? Fine. They're not going to include the coolest island, which is the one populated by talking horses? Fine. I'll just watch what theydid feel like including then, shall I? In any case, the three books have super-accurate maps in them that overlap to form one big Voltron map with convenient latitude and longitude coordinates. The Rock feels the need to point out these coordinates as such because NO ONE SEEING THIS MOVIE HAS HEARD OF COORDINATES BEFORE, and they don't do that in EVERY MOVIE WITH COORDINATES IN IT. Also these particular coordinates are in the south Pacific near Palau, because you don't go sticking a mysterious island in non-tropical waters. Tropicalness is key. Discussion questions: Did they even have this kind of coordinate notation in 1880? If Gulliver was on the same island twice, as is later suggested, how did he not notice or why did he pretend it was two islands? Also what?
Well, Forehead is positive that this is a message to him from his adventurer grandpa (sure, why not!) saying COME HANG ON THIS SWEET ISLAND, so he intends to go to Palau and find this MYSTERIOUS island. To this end he grabs a backpack from a box right there in the attic and starts packing like he's going to leave in the next fifteen seconds, and that's when The Rock gets stepfatherly. He's like, you must be joking. And Forehead is like, you don't understand etc. etc. and uses the word "Vernian" about 800 times to justify himself (apparently Vernians are a thing). Luckily for Forehead, by the next scene The Rock is back to laid-back mode and convinces Mom From the Last Movie(?) that it's best to fly to Palau and show Forehead that he's wrong so that Forehead can get this out of his system and they can bond when The Rock is there to say I told you so. That sounds like an iffy plan to me. Also the Rock's construction company must be doing very well, despite the crappy economy, if he can afford this trip on a whim. In the middle of Forehead's school year. Forehead is happy to hear that he can go, yet less excited to hear that The Rock will also be going. Note to Forehead: you're sixteen, you can't go by yourself. What are you, the little mermaid? Sixteen's all grown up?
Next scene they're walking down a pier in Palau not finding someone to take them to the coordinates that Forehead keeps showing to everyone on his phone in an annoying way. Let them hold the phone dude, it's hard to read when you're waving it around. Forehead tries speaking to some guy in American Speaking To A Foreign Person English, and lo, it is embarrassing when the guy says "I won't take you there. Those are dangerous waters.". The Rock helpfully informs Forehad that Palau's official language is English. Take that, Mr. I'm Gonna Take This Trip By Myself Because I'm All Grown Up (it doesn't help that this actor has a babyface). They eventually find a guy willing to take them out yonder for a thousand dollars, and it's Luiz Guzman. His character's name is Gabato, he owns a jank helicopter, and he is trying to earn enough money to send his smart daughter to college (Daughter, who I will call Tank Top, is wearing one that will never cover her hip bones at any point in the movie). Tank Top appears out of the helicopter and through some tough negotiation intended to show us her orneriness, makes the price $3000 because Forehead dares to speak to her. The Rock is displeased, but succumbs to Forehead's wheedling because the construction business is apparently doing very well.
They all take off in the helicopter which is magically quiet enough for everyone to hear each other without headsets. Forehead tries to talk to Tank Top and fails so miserably it suggests he's never been near a girl before. Gabato gives them the luxury tour like on your left, you can see the Pacific Ocean and on your right, the Pacific Ocean, which shows you the level of wit that went into his lines. His delivery makes up for it sometimes, but man. What swill. So they're flying and whoa, giant tornado water spout typhoon hurricane madness! I won't pretend like I know what storms are like on the ocean, but this seems to be a combination of several things. The chopper crashes and the screen goes dark for long enough that the entire audience suspects that the projector broke. This is real-life foreshadowing because the sound does cut out a few times later, for two of three seconds at a time, though luckily not too much when The Rock is talking. Back in the movie, they all wake up on a cliffy kind beach covered in large sharp rocks that somehow did not kill them. Luckily all their shit washed up too, including the paper combination map of the island. It's fine, sure. Printer paper does great in seawater, didn't you know? Ignore that The Rock tore the map when he picked it up, it'll mend itself.
Forehead finds a cave in the cliff and practically sprints into it while everyone else is worrying about their survival, because he is all about Adventure. Gabato would prefer to stay on the beach and spell out "Help!" with seashells and maybe kelp, but he goes with anyway. He gets a good line when a GIANT centipede (that they can't see but we can) skitters by. Tank Top says "what was that?" and Gabato says "a creepy noise in a scary cave, keep moving!". Hee. They get out of the cave and behold, a tropical island paradise. When people who live in tropical island paradises make movies, where do they set them? In their backyards? Somewhere with fewer enormous bugs? Alaska? Speaking of enormous bugs, a flutter of really big butterflies crosses the screen, and you know, the 3D is okay. It would have been a perfectly serviceable movie in 2D, but the 3D is used skillfully enough to justify it. Gabato worries that they've all shrunk, but after the butterflies pass the group hears an elephant noise and turn around to see a knee-high elephant come trotting up. The Rock picks it up all "who's a tiny elephant? you are! yes you are! you're a very tiny elephant!" and I make it my life's goal to give The Rock an actual tiny elephant. The elephant takes off with its herd, and Forehead explains that the first rule of island biology is that small animals grow and large animals shrink. Excuse me? Really? You know what, whatever.
So they're walking and Forehead stops to apply some sunscreen and The Rock makes crack about how when you squeeze a tube of 100 SPF sunscreen, a sweater comes out. Forehead's all, don't come crying to me when your face is peeling off and The Rock asks if he looks like he burns. No, not really. As a matter of fact, Forehead's the only white person onscreen right now, so high five Hollywood for a little diversity! See how you didn't scare anyone off by including non-white people in a movie? Take notes. Anyway, the weird little moguls they're walking clearly are not rocks, which no one figures out until The Rock, massive hunk of man that he is, steps on one and cracks it. Everyone's all shit, they're giant eggs, and giant Mama must be around somewhere. She's actually right over there asleep, and she's a thirty-foot Something Something Lizard. Forehead warns them all to be very careful because lizards have great senses of smell and excellent hearing and begin rant:
If I complained about all the nonsense science in this movie we'd be here for a week, so this is the part I'm gonna let bother me the most: reptiles don't have great hearing. According to a Smithsonian exhibit I saw last summer, mammals are the class with the awesome super hearing. If that one Spider-Man novel wasn't lying to me, reptiles don't even care that much about sound. That's why The Lizard was able to defeat a villain with the sound gun while Spider-Man and Venom were both incapacitated. Also there are way too many eggs for one lizard. End rant.
Gabato, being the comic relief, is the one who ends up breaking and falling into an egg, where a half-formed lizard baby and he scream at each other. Um, ew. He escapes out the side with about 80 gallons of egg goo and they all take off running 'cause Mama's awake and unhappy. And if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. After running through the jungle for longer than I care about, they get stuck in front of a wall of trees and The Rock tries to ward off Mama with a flare. Forehead points out that lizards are cold-blooded and attracted to heat, and Mama reinforces this point by eating the flare......I don't think that's how attraction to heat works. The Rock also tries punching Mama in the face, bless his heart, but doesn't work either.
What does work is the log'n'vine battering rams that are hanging all over that area. They knock Mama out and Michael Caine reveals himself as Grandpa Forehead, master of logs and vines. All right, leaving aside the convenient placement of those logs, how did he hoist them? He looks a hundred and four. He probably wheezes when he gets out of bed, much less when hiking through a tropical island paradise jungle. He says "don't just stand there! applaud!" and Gabato does but wow, arrogant much? Answer: yes. Granpda immediately starts being an ass to The Rock for reasons I cannot discern, so I will assume that he is naturally a jerk. What's his deal? Does he hate The Rock on his absent son's behalf? Does he have malaria? Is he racist? I can't even tell, he's just a tool.
The tool invites everyone back to his treehouseboat made from pieces of Blue-Eyed Lucy, the boat that got him to the island. Come on now, how did he haul most of a boat off that cliffy beach and then into a tree in the middle of the island? He's a hundred and five. Grandpa Jerk's treehouseboat has all the quirky bamboo technology you expect in this kind of Swiss Family Robinson set-up, plus an unusual number of "keep out" and "do not disturb" signs. That's a lot of effort for a one-scene gag, Grandpa. Also he aimed a window at the ever-oozing volcano over there, referring to this window as an HD TV (who was supposed to find that clever?) and he made a radio out of an alarm clock and an umbrella. He exposits that the radio only works when a particular satellite goes overhead, which it won't for another two weeks, so they can have a romping good time on the tropical island paradise until then. They all go to bed, but not before Forehead strikes out with Tank Top again.
The next day Grandpa Jerk takes them all on a long hike through some obscenely picturesque trees. Every tree is covered in pink and white orchids like they stumbled over a tiny elephant wedding with the world's biggest floral budget. Gabato and Tank Top have another conversation about how she wants to go to to college and how Gabato promises to send her, even if he's broke. Then Forehead tries to chat her up, asking if she wants to hang out sometime. 1) Dude, she lives in Palau and you live in Ohio. 2) What are you guys doing right now? I think it's hanging out. She blows him off and this prompts The Rock to share girl advice with Forehead. His special move is the pec pop, where you flex your pecs to show off your incredible fitnes and also man boobs. Five continuous minutes of The Rock popping his pecs is both impressive and weird. Gabato thinks it's great and bounces berries off The Rock's pecs (that is not a euphemism) and yes, bouncing a berry back into Gabato's mouth is a good trick, although I wonder if it tastes sweaty. Forehead wisely refuses the pec popping advice, possibly because he doesn't and will never have pecs like that, and is just about to talk to Tank Top again when they get to Grandpa Jerk's destination.
It's a panoramic view of a whole lot of ruins in the middle of the island, with that oozing volcano in the background. When they get closer you can see the ruins are arranged in concentric rings and Forehead points out the mosaic of Poseidon in the middle. There, written in really old Greek or possibly Futhark, it says "Atlantis". For serious. Atlantis isn't near Greece, what are you talking about, it's in the south Pacific and it's covered in tiny elephants. Grandpa Jerk's explanation for why this makes sense is that the island rises above and falls below sea level in a 140-year cycle (?) because of tectonics (?). It's not due to sink for twelve-ish more years, so Gramps is gonna get a whole bunch of shit named after him when he gets back to civilization and takes some people with actual cameras to visit the island. He's all, you like that Forehead? Gonna name a whole damn island after our family!
During this old-guy rant, The Rock is looking around at the ruins, which are pretty damp. He finds a pool of saltwater and uses his construction-company-owner-based knowledge to conclude that the island is sinking much faster than "in twelve years". More like in three days. Whoops-a-doodle! Their tropical island paradise vacation is quickly scrapped in favor of a "let's not drown in the beautiful south Pacific as this island sinks out from under us" escape plan. Fortunately for them one of those old-time adventure novels says that Captain Nemo, as in steampunk submarine Nemo, left his sub docked somewhere on the island and that the exact location is in his journal. The journal he had buried with him. If the sub is still there, how did his crew get off the island? Did he bury himself? Luckily for The Rock et. al, Grandpa Whoops knows where the tomb is. He just hasn't gone in because the only tunnel in is too small (tomb tunnels were all the rage back in the day). Also he's a hundred and six, he can't be crawling through things. Finally, something for Tank Top to do besides show off her hip bones! Specifically, wiggling around in dust and bugs while we get a good look at her from varying angles. Have I mentioned her improbably short shorts? And isn't this a kids' movie?
She wriggles into the tomb, which is much larger than the setpiece outside suggests, and finds the journal in Nemo's decayed arms and again, how did his crew escape? Does it say in this novel I've never heard of? Tank Top yanks the journal right out of Nemo's dead-ass grip and with it comes a GIANT centipede, like so big it's not scary anymore. Tank Top helpfully smacks it right toward the audience, because this is a 3D movie and the directors didn't forget halfway through. This somehow causes the tomb to start collapsing, because stone is not centipede-proof, so Tank Top has to writhe particularly fast back out the tunnel. When the tomb explodallapses she lands, of course, nose-to-nose on top of Forehead, who totally digs it. She doesn't though, and gets up without fanfare. Thank you, Tank Top. Thank you for not falling for that cliche.
The journal tells them that the submarine is by Poseidon's Cliffs, so they start walking. And walking. And there they are walking some more, until they find an excuse to insert some Adventure back into this nonsense. Gotta climb a really big hill? Why not ride a giant bee instead? Grandpa Jerk is like, it's easy! And takes off without looking back at, you know, therest of his party. Everyone hops on some giants bees and rides them for about six hours while I get bored and then a couple of really big birds show up like YUM BEES DELICIOUS! Forehead calls them Great Sliver-Tailed Greenies or something, I don't care and says (I swear) "their main food is insects and yes, bees!". "And yes, bees"? This is what you scream at your companions as they flee from enormous predators at high speed? "And yes, bees"? Are you a college professor? Are you wearing tweed? Who wrote this line? Did that person realize it was going to be spoken during an aerial chase scene? This is the best example of the atrocious half of the dialogue. "And yes, bees!". My god.
So there's an eighty-minute chase scene involving bees and birds and Tank Top falling off the bee so Forehead can last-minute rescue her and it takes forever. Yes, the birds are pretty, and you guys did an okay job of animating them, but enough already. I'd bust out a Kindle if I had one. I could go make a sandwich and come back and they'd still be chasing each other. Four days later, The Rock kills both birds by playing chicken with Grandpa Jerk and the birds explode into very colorful feathers, not unlike that bird that flew in front of that MLB pitch in 2007 (fun fact: the pitcher's name was Randy Johnson. His parents did not think that through). Somehow in all this flying and exploding, Forehead gets thrown off his bee and slo-mo skids over the forest floor until he stops by dislocating his ankle on a rock. Too bad it wasn't his head, 'cause he would have been fine. Kid looks like a Dick Tracy villain. This ankle injury leads to a lot of amusing hopping for the rest of the movie, so I approve.
Laterish, they make camp in a nice patch of forest, and in a demonstration of minimally acceptable dialogue, Gabato and Tank Top declare their intention to go get some water. This allows Forehead, Grandpa and The Rock to have a Family Bonding Moment the dynamics of which I totally ignore because The Rock starts singing What a Wonderful World, accompanying himself on Gabato's ukulele. The Rock, you are my new favorite singer. He substitutes the original lyrics for things like "we rode some bees and exploded some birds! this island sucks, hope we don't die here", and it's clever enough for me. Gabato and Tank Top, returning from their mediocre trip to a stream, reveal that the ash from the volcano is in fact gold flake. Volcanoes spew what they're made of, says Forehead, so that ever-oozing volcano is in fact made of LIQUID HOT GOLD, and that is why Robert Louis Stevenson called it Treasure Island. Not because of the pirate treasure, but because of the gold volcano I'm pretty sure he never ever mentions, if the Muppet version is anything to go by. Sadly, The Rock et. al can't get them some of that because Forehead can't hop fast enough to visit both the volcano and the submarine that will save their lives. He should have held onto that bee better.
The next day, Forehead wakes up when he rolls over into a stream that was not there previously. Their camp is on a little island surrounded by six inches of water because, as The Rock informs us, the rate of island-sinkage has tripled overnight and now they have mere hours to get off this tropical island paradise of doom. The Rock is like LET'S GO but wait! Gabato is missing. Tank Top rightly concludes that he took off to find some volcano gold so he can send her to college. Gabato's sweet, if a little short-sighted. Honey, that gold will only make you sink faster when the island goes under. She and Grandpa Crap This Shit's Sinking will go after Gabato while The Rock and Gimper McGee head for Nemo's sub, because one can only hop hilariously through so much jungle in a day.
Cut to Gabato somewhere in the jungle, tripping over a big old gold rock. He tries to pry it out, but what's aboveground is only the tip of the moolah iceberg. So he digs and digs and digs until we go back to The Rock and Forehead, who have successfully found Poseidon's Cliff. You can tell it's the right place 'cause there's a big old trident stuck in that rock over there....just a sec. The writers felt it necessary to tell the audience for the 4,000th time what longitude and latitude mean, but they assume we all automatically know who Poseidon is, why his mosaic indicates that this is Atlantis, and why a trident means they're in the right place? Who did they write this for? 9-year-olds with a strong background in Greek mythology but a poor grasp of maps? Whatever. The Rock and Forehead are all, here are the cliffs but where is the submarine? I think your answer is right there, guys. The submarine, being sub marine isprooobably underwater. Don't look so surprised when you realize that. When this knowledge finally dawns on them, they rig up some ghetto scuba gear out of straws and plastic bags and dive for it. In an improbably long underwater scene, they find the sub in a cave and crank open its rusty-ass hatch while ducking a really big electric eel. Does the bullshit island biology rule also work underwater? 'Cause I'm pretty sure an eel doesn't care exactly how underwater its cave is, and whether that cave is under an island or a coral reef.
The inside of the sub is totally sweet, as one would expect from a classy 19th-century guy like Nemo. Wrought iron, chandeliers, a wine rack over by the torpedo tubes. Unfortunately, it's been sitting idle for 140 years and the batteries, which look like enormous Baghdad batteries, are out of juice. Solution: put The Rock in one of those old-timey diving helmets and send him outside to spear the electric eel. On his way out the hatch, Forehead gives a cute little speech about how The Rock should not die because everyone keeps leaving Forehead. Like Brendan Fraser, whose absence in this movie has been completely and totally glossed over. No explanation whatsoever. Also like Grandpa Jerk, who's spent Forehead's whole life adventuring instead of teaching him to spit, or whatever grandpas are for. So The Rock goes out, spears the eel, and comes back fine. Forehead, he's The ROCK. He'll always be fine (unless he's the bad guy). Remember that movie where some casino thugs beat him mostly to death? He got better, made himself sheriff, and killed most of them with a 2x4!
Meanwhile, Tank Top and Grandpa Jerk find Gabato in a big hole, still trying to dig out the gold rock which is larger than the actual The Rock. Gabato, you silly, you can't lift that! Tank Top has a semi-touching moment where she's like I'd rather we were both alive and poor than both drowned on this sinking tropical island paradise. So get out of that hole and let's go. Gabato concedes her point with little debate, and the three of them take off towards the aforementioned cliffs. When they get there they don't see anything, because the submarine is UNDERWATER GUYS, and there's a lot earthquakey-type action as the island sinks. If it does this every time it sinks, how are any of the ruins still standing?
Anyway, they get throw into the ocean and the submarine picks them up gulp! like a whale shark. For a smallish sub, it certainly has a lot of access to the outside. Where does the extra air come from, when they keep pumping the water out of the locks? No one cares, so everyone's on the bridge being all happy and whatnot. Tank Top finally hugs Forehead (I assume because he's a better alternative than drowning on a sinking tropical island paradise), and The Rock suggests that the time is ripe for a pec pop. Again, Forehead doesn't have the pecs to pop, so he settles for pointing out that hey, chunks of island are trying to crush us. Gabato uses his helicopter pilot skills to steer them to safety. Yay, adventure over.
In the epilogue, an overly large SUV drives up to Casa de la Mom and Tank Top gets out covered in the latest unattractive fashions but at least you can't see her hip bones anymore. She's late for Forehead's birthday, talking on the phone to Gabato who misses her and will call her again in five minutes. Aw, Gabato, you're the second-coolest person in this movie. Too bad everyone else but The Rock is jerks. Gabato, back in Palau, is wearing a sweet captain outfit all hat and ascot, and he's getting ready to take a bunch of people on a tour in his sweet steampunk submarine. Adventures with The Rock turn out pretty good, don't they? Lose a helicopter, get a sweet steampunk submarine. Get trapped on Mars with alien mutants, end up a super soldier reunited with your estranged sister. It's all good.
Back at Casa de la Mom, everyone's all presents happy yay. Forehead gets a postcard from Grandpa Jerk saying he'll giftify in person next time he's around, which Forehead's face declares will be never. But wait! Is that the sound of a motorcycle outside? It is! Grandpa Jerk walks in in riding leathers, and come on seriously. He's a hundred and seven, bitch can't even drive a car and you want me to believe he rode a motorcycle more than six inches? Whatever, writers, please. Unless you have a 19th century steampunk crane available for my use, I am done suspending my disbelief. Grandpa Jerk, who is over his abandoning ways but not his incredible arrogance, says "don't just stand there! applaud!", and dude, you didn't even kill a giant lizard this time. All you did was not die of old age in the last six months which, okay, that's a decent trick when you're a hundred and eight.
Everyone applauds, because they are dumbasses (except for The Rock because he can do whatever he wants as long as he's smiling that amazing smile). Grandpa Jerk's present turns out to be a copy of Voyage to the Moon by Jules Verne, which is meant to be inspiration for their next family outing. Everyone thinks this is hilarious and they laugh and laugh while the camera pans out to the moon. Writers, I know you like sequel hooks. I like sequel hooks. Everyone likes sequel hooks. But for Jesus's sake, no one's gonna give you money to send The Rock to the moon on a steampunk spaceship (I hope). Get a grip.
The credits feature the movie's various critters wandering around the submarine. Yes, that birdis impressive, why don't you run it by me three more times? Really I don't care what you do, credit animators, because The Rock reprises What a Wonderful World during the credits, somehow singing the Israel Kamikawiwo'ole version in a Bobby Darrin style. Oh, The Rock. You have so many talents.
movie haiku:
The Rock's smile, perfect
Forehead's forehead, prominent
the science? less so