uh oh

[slipperybutter]

sooo....I may have hung out with the person who is ultimately destructive to me last night. Beers, cards, & good conversation. It was nice.. for a change. I slept over his house, but nothing "happened" except some sleep. He made me breakfast this morning & we may have kissed. I know, I know, wtf is your problem Shari, this guy is only going to hurt me. I know, I know. He has already. It's weird too because when I am drunk I don't care about him, well I don't have the urge to talk to him. It's when I am sober that I think about him & want to talk to him. I don't know why I can't get rid of him from my head & thoughts. Actually I think I know why. It's because its a chase for me. I just don't get it. He wanted me to be "his" for 4 years & then he gets me and he doesn't know how to treat me. It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. I tell myself everyday, do not respond to his calls/texts if he calls/texts today. AND DO NOT MESSAGE HIM! I try & normally succeed until he's messaged me 5 times & called once. And it's even more annoying because this is the time period again for him to realize what he is missing out on. We broke up one month ago. Tomorrow is a new day. I can make this day the day that I don't talk to him. However, as I write this I am thinking, but I might want to tomorrow. NOOOOOO! And yeah, I have distractions from him which makes it so much easier, but I keep pushing them away. I make excuses for why it wouldn't work with distraction 1-5 & keep that in my head as I talk to them. I know all of the reasons why he is not good for me. And yet, I can't keep that in my head. It's even worse when I see him. When he came in to my work last Saturday (completely wasted), I loathed it because I knew what was coming. This. Well maybe I didn't know that I would be writing this post, but this feeling. Eck! And I loathe that I let him break my heart when I should have known when we broke up the first time. He's a 3 month relationship kinda guy that is selfish, stubborn, & lacks the ability to share his feelings regarding his heart. I know this & yet I continue to want to travel along this destructive path until I can no longer feel. sick. This song is perfect for what I wanted to say & so I will quote it.

"You have stolen my heart."
you suck & don't deserve it.

I'd like to say I feel better, but I don't so I shall fall into a slumber.
I love you,
buona notte